Indebted
I was sitting in my new summer class this evening and had some thoughts run across my mind, in which I took time to jot down. Now this is mentioned not to give the impression that my summer class was boring because it was NOT. My class is called "Computing in the Arts and Sciences" and the course description (on the class syllabus) reads as follows: This courses is intended for those who are not majoring in a science field. it discusses th role of computers in society today, basic computer concepts (such as operating systems, file systems, networking, and the internet)and gives students experience in spreadsheets, databases, web page design, and some form of computer programming in a high level language.
Well I am not majoring in science and this course really spoon-feeds how to accomplish various data programming. I feel that I need to learn how to manage some of these systems before I finish I my final year of college!!! Which if I haven't expressed prior, I AM VERY ELATED ABOUT!!!
So right now I feel really BLESSED to have the funds to take this summer course and I am very motivated in my efforts to learn this material. Now next week I will probably be writing an entry about how I don't understand the SHIT & how I don't understand why I need to take this BULLSHIT any way. However, for now, we are rooting for the optimistic side of summer school!
Now to digress back to my original reason for writing this message; I was jotting down some secret thoughts of mine. My thoughts along with an arrange of my sentiments formed what I am about to share with you know. So here you are...
Listen carefully to Me
What I have to say needs your undivided attention
Although I am not expecting too much from You
You have never offered me the attention I have struggled personally to seek in the past
But I will continue in what I have to say
I need to do this MORE for ME than for YOU
...
I LOVE ME 1st
And then I grow to learn you.
And then I grow to love qualities about you.
And then I grow to love you... UNCONDITIONALLY
Though I realize foolishly you NEVER have me
You see I have heard GREAT prophets speak
Not knowing that it was actually I they were speaking to
Often times I thought their words were merely for the generalization of everyone
But I know now their words were meant to protect me from what was to come
At the time my ears were consciously deaf and I failed to listen
Instead I trusted your bitter-nothings coated with a fool's taste of sweet somethings
Causing me to fall eternally IN LOVE with you
One Prophet told me through her words of lyricism "Loving ME means more than losing YOU"
And I thought out loud to her so loving MYSELF means more than losing HIM?
Questioning as though she had a tainted formula of some kind
And she was WRONG and I would continue on in my pursuit "to give you the best I got, Baby"
I continued to Love you though I could feel nothing from you
I began to HATE myself thinking perhaps it was me that had brought about this non-reaction from YOU
I wondered maybe even the slightest notion of reciprocation was TOO MUCH
Maybe my standards were TOO MUCH
Maybe I, ME, THIS LADY, RIGHT HERE, was JUST TOO DAMN' MUCH
Maybe I was not worthy of being LOVED because I WAS JUST TOO MUCH
In All the self-afflicted HATE I never though once that maybe YOU weren't WORTHY enough to LOVE ME
The more I tired in my efforts to LOVE you
The more my presence deprecated to you
The more my physical value derailed from its chosen path
The more I saw myself turn into the women I badgered the most
The young girls... "But MAMA I love Him"
Who become the young Women... "But what would I do without him"
Who become the resentful wives... "But what would our friends say"
Who become the bitter mothers... "We have to stay in this for the children"
Who become the old broken down women..."I just don't know who I am anymore"
And I just couldn't stand to think, I would one day be that woman who had lost sight of herself, if I stayed on this path
So as you continued to excommunicate yourself from my life, our life
I began to understand the realism in her poetry
I didn't want to believe that the words I quickly regretted would now become my therapy
I didn't want to believe that after all this time, through all my efforts,through all my tears, all my pain there was someone greater to be loved than you
It almost made me feel as though I had failed
For I certainly was never shown that my efforts were successful
And the greatest lesson I have learned through all of this
Is that I am not to waste the remainder of my time spiting you
I'm not even going to welcome the idea of making you feel an inkling of how you made me feel
I can't afford you anymore
Because the cost of you has indebted me
I am indebted to someone I have to answer to for the rest of my life...
ME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yepp and thats all I have ladies and gentlemen
And thank you all for reading my journal entry. Peace until next time!!!
Well I am not majoring in science and this course really spoon-feeds how to accomplish various data programming. I feel that I need to learn how to manage some of these systems before I finish I my final year of college!!! Which if I haven't expressed prior, I AM VERY ELATED ABOUT!!!
So right now I feel really BLESSED to have the funds to take this summer course and I am very motivated in my efforts to learn this material. Now next week I will probably be writing an entry about how I don't understand the SHIT & how I don't understand why I need to take this BULLSHIT any way. However, for now, we are rooting for the optimistic side of summer school!
Now to digress back to my original reason for writing this message; I was jotting down some secret thoughts of mine. My thoughts along with an arrange of my sentiments formed what I am about to share with you know. So here you are...
Listen carefully to Me
What I have to say needs your undivided attention
Although I am not expecting too much from You
You have never offered me the attention I have struggled personally to seek in the past
But I will continue in what I have to say
I need to do this MORE for ME than for YOU
...
I LOVE ME 1st
And then I grow to learn you.
And then I grow to love qualities about you.
And then I grow to love you... UNCONDITIONALLY
Though I realize foolishly you NEVER have me
You see I have heard GREAT prophets speak
Not knowing that it was actually I they were speaking to
Often times I thought their words were merely for the generalization of everyone
But I know now their words were meant to protect me from what was to come
At the time my ears were consciously deaf and I failed to listen
Instead I trusted your bitter-nothings coated with a fool's taste of sweet somethings
Causing me to fall eternally IN LOVE with you
One Prophet told me through her words of lyricism "Loving ME means more than losing YOU"
And I thought out loud to her so loving MYSELF means more than losing HIM?
Questioning as though she had a tainted formula of some kind
And she was WRONG and I would continue on in my pursuit "to give you the best I got, Baby"
I continued to Love you though I could feel nothing from you
I began to HATE myself thinking perhaps it was me that had brought about this non-reaction from YOU
I wondered maybe even the slightest notion of reciprocation was TOO MUCH
Maybe my standards were TOO MUCH
Maybe I, ME, THIS LADY, RIGHT HERE, was JUST TOO DAMN' MUCH
Maybe I was not worthy of being LOVED because I WAS JUST TOO MUCH
In All the self-afflicted HATE I never though once that maybe YOU weren't WORTHY enough to LOVE ME
The more I tired in my efforts to LOVE you
The more my presence deprecated to you
The more my physical value derailed from its chosen path
The more I saw myself turn into the women I badgered the most
The young girls... "But MAMA I love Him"
Who become the young Women... "But what would I do without him"
Who become the resentful wives... "But what would our friends say"
Who become the bitter mothers... "We have to stay in this for the children"
Who become the old broken down women..."I just don't know who I am anymore"
And I just couldn't stand to think, I would one day be that woman who had lost sight of herself, if I stayed on this path
So as you continued to excommunicate yourself from my life, our life
I began to understand the realism in her poetry
I didn't want to believe that the words I quickly regretted would now become my therapy
I didn't want to believe that after all this time, through all my efforts,through all my tears, all my pain there was someone greater to be loved than you
It almost made me feel as though I had failed
For I certainly was never shown that my efforts were successful
And the greatest lesson I have learned through all of this
Is that I am not to waste the remainder of my time spiting you
I'm not even going to welcome the idea of making you feel an inkling of how you made me feel
I can't afford you anymore
Because the cost of you has indebted me
I am indebted to someone I have to answer to for the rest of my life...
ME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yepp and thats all I have ladies and gentlemen
And thank you all for reading my journal entry. Peace until next time!!!