TRYING TO HOLD ON TO THE LITTLE BIT OF DECENCY I HAVE WHEN I REALLY NEED TO JUST...LET IT GO!!!
Today is another one of those days. I don't know if it is ever going to get better. I think I am slipping back into my depression. I don't know I just don't have the motivation to want to wake up in the morning. It's not like I have anything fulfilling awaiting me for the day.
My daughter (Alicia) is the one who got me started on this LiveJournal business. We had a hell of a time getting it started. She told that it would help me a lot to just get on here and write sometimes. At first I really didn't believe her (to be honest) but it has helped me maintain the little bit of sanity I have. I just hate feeling like I don't have a purpose. I get up in the mornings exercise sometimes, go to work, get off of work, go back to my room, watch television or do whatever, finally go to be at like 2 and 3 A.M. and then repeat this mundane cycle over again for the next weeks that follow. All of that seems so purposeless, except for monetary means... but MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING!!! Well to me it is very important but I NEED TO LIVE A LIFE!!!
The other girls here that I work with, are always going on weekend road trips and stuff like that. I want to do something like that. If I still had my car I would be gone. Now I feel like I am a freshman in high school when I had to rely on my mom to take me places. She has been real understanding about the whole situation though. Whenever I want to come home she will pick me up and bring me home. But I don't want my mom having to run up under her 20 year daughter as a means of transportation. Though its not my fault I no longer have my car, I still feel guilty for some crazy reason.
My mom has been working a lot lately she is determined to get me another car. I have been working a lot lately too. She said that we could put our money togehter and get a nice used car. A nice used car is whatI wanted in the 1st place. Perhaps if my mom would have listened to me when I got my license and just got me a nice used car like I had asked for in the first place the situation wouldn't have ended up like this. But I don't like to blam my mom.
I LOVE MY MOMMY WITH ALL MY HEART!!! Sometimes SHIT JUST HAPPENES!!! I am sure she didn't plan on things ending up this way. I KNOW SHE WOULD GIVE HER LIFE FOR ME!!! I WOULD DO THE SAME!!! She is the only person in this WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD that really understands me. Yeah we have our moments all the time but at the end of the day she is always there regardless if she disagrees with me or not. LFYE said it MUST BE NICE & I am a testimony that it is nice to have someone there that you can always turn to in time of need.
I was talking to my mommy yesterday and she told me that maybe this whole losing the car situation happened for a reason. I am beginning to see people for how they really are. I have just realized that a lot of people won't do for me what I do for them. That realization really hurts but besides the pain IT IS THE BLATANT TRUTH. I don't know...I guess everyone doesn't have the same morals or values. When I had my car I would offer to take people here and there. Or if they would ask to go somewhere I usually always found time to make myself available to them. But the people that I was generous to at one time have not reciprocated these same actions towards me. I am not going to mention any names, actually it is just one person that I am referring to. This person finally got them a car and now they have started acting real funny. The things that I would do for them they have quickly forgotten. And its cool.
I am really not the type of person to throw up in other people's faces what I have done for them, because I hate for people to do it to me. I do things for people out of the kindness of my heart, because I want to, because MY MOMMY taught me to always ask and offer. But everyone isn't like that. And I have to keep reminding myself of that,whenever I feel like I am being let down by one of my friends. Everyone doesn't have the same morals and values as I do. Maybe that is why I always feel so let down in the end. I try to surround myself with people who I feel I have the same values in common with me. And when they don't meet my expectations it is really disappointing. I just always give people the benefit of the doubt and then when they don't come through, it pisses me off. Then after I a get pissed I become infuriated and then after that point I become saddened (only for a little bit) then finally depression sets in.
I don't like to spare any extra emotions over people who aren't doing shit for me and could probably care less. Once people get theirs and they know that they have all of their stuff in order, they could care less about you. I am beginning to see what my mommy has always tried to tell me about people. I have to live through my own experiences though. Right now I just wished that I would have listened instead of trusting people. I guess it really is "A every man for himself" world out here. That is real unfortunate!
I don't know...now I begin to question friendshp all together. I mean why are people friends with other people in the first place? Is it really because they want someone they share secrets with, spend time, or is it because they look at person and see how that person might be able to benefit them? I just feel like people looked at me to see how I could benefit them. It wasn't because they truly wanted a friend. They just wanted to be taken here and there and everywhere. I feel really used. It's kind of funny to me how I'm not as in demand as I used to be. I mean now the people that I though were my friends rarely come around anymore. When they do come around, its because they want something, its not because they actually want to hang out and do something with me.
I am just coming to some crazy ass realizations this summer and it kind of hurts. I suppose its better that I find out about them now than later on down the road. Maybe it was a reason as to why I lost my car! If this is the reason; FOR ME TO LEARN AND SEE HOW PEOPLE REALLY ARE!!! Then I guess I am GRATEFUL!!!
My daughter (Alicia) is the one who got me started on this LiveJournal business. We had a hell of a time getting it started. She told that it would help me a lot to just get on here and write sometimes. At first I really didn't believe her (to be honest) but it has helped me maintain the little bit of sanity I have. I just hate feeling like I don't have a purpose. I get up in the mornings exercise sometimes, go to work, get off of work, go back to my room, watch television or do whatever, finally go to be at like 2 and 3 A.M. and then repeat this mundane cycle over again for the next weeks that follow. All of that seems so purposeless, except for monetary means... but MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING!!! Well to me it is very important but I NEED TO LIVE A LIFE!!!
The other girls here that I work with, are always going on weekend road trips and stuff like that. I want to do something like that. If I still had my car I would be gone. Now I feel like I am a freshman in high school when I had to rely on my mom to take me places. She has been real understanding about the whole situation though. Whenever I want to come home she will pick me up and bring me home. But I don't want my mom having to run up under her 20 year daughter as a means of transportation. Though its not my fault I no longer have my car, I still feel guilty for some crazy reason.
My mom has been working a lot lately she is determined to get me another car. I have been working a lot lately too. She said that we could put our money togehter and get a nice used car. A nice used car is whatI wanted in the 1st place. Perhaps if my mom would have listened to me when I got my license and just got me a nice used car like I had asked for in the first place the situation wouldn't have ended up like this. But I don't like to blam my mom.
I LOVE MY MOMMY WITH ALL MY HEART!!! Sometimes SHIT JUST HAPPENES!!! I am sure she didn't plan on things ending up this way. I KNOW SHE WOULD GIVE HER LIFE FOR ME!!! I WOULD DO THE SAME!!! She is the only person in this WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD that really understands me. Yeah we have our moments all the time but at the end of the day she is always there regardless if she disagrees with me or not. LFYE said it MUST BE NICE & I am a testimony that it is nice to have someone there that you can always turn to in time of need.
I was talking to my mommy yesterday and she told me that maybe this whole losing the car situation happened for a reason. I am beginning to see people for how they really are. I have just realized that a lot of people won't do for me what I do for them. That realization really hurts but besides the pain IT IS THE BLATANT TRUTH. I don't know...I guess everyone doesn't have the same morals or values. When I had my car I would offer to take people here and there. Or if they would ask to go somewhere I usually always found time to make myself available to them. But the people that I was generous to at one time have not reciprocated these same actions towards me. I am not going to mention any names, actually it is just one person that I am referring to. This person finally got them a car and now they have started acting real funny. The things that I would do for them they have quickly forgotten. And its cool.
I am really not the type of person to throw up in other people's faces what I have done for them, because I hate for people to do it to me. I do things for people out of the kindness of my heart, because I want to, because MY MOMMY taught me to always ask and offer. But everyone isn't like that. And I have to keep reminding myself of that,whenever I feel like I am being let down by one of my friends. Everyone doesn't have the same morals and values as I do. Maybe that is why I always feel so let down in the end. I try to surround myself with people who I feel I have the same values in common with me. And when they don't meet my expectations it is really disappointing. I just always give people the benefit of the doubt and then when they don't come through, it pisses me off. Then after I a get pissed I become infuriated and then after that point I become saddened (only for a little bit) then finally depression sets in.
I don't like to spare any extra emotions over people who aren't doing shit for me and could probably care less. Once people get theirs and they know that they have all of their stuff in order, they could care less about you. I am beginning to see what my mommy has always tried to tell me about people. I have to live through my own experiences though. Right now I just wished that I would have listened instead of trusting people. I guess it really is "A every man for himself" world out here. That is real unfortunate!
I don't know...now I begin to question friendshp all together. I mean why are people friends with other people in the first place? Is it really because they want someone they share secrets with, spend time, or is it because they look at person and see how that person might be able to benefit them? I just feel like people looked at me to see how I could benefit them. It wasn't because they truly wanted a friend. They just wanted to be taken here and there and everywhere. I feel really used. It's kind of funny to me how I'm not as in demand as I used to be. I mean now the people that I though were my friends rarely come around anymore. When they do come around, its because they want something, its not because they actually want to hang out and do something with me.
I am just coming to some crazy ass realizations this summer and it kind of hurts. I suppose its better that I find out about them now than later on down the road. Maybe it was a reason as to why I lost my car! If this is the reason; FOR ME TO LEARN AND SEE HOW PEOPLE REALLY ARE!!! Then I guess I am GRATEFUL!!!