Concerning my mental health...
I was looking at a website that described my life this evening. I've been thinking a lot lately about my crippling fear of straight men, and socializing altogether (and the fact that I'm almost 26 and no closer to my white picket fence), so I went ahead and googled "social phobia". This is what I came up with. Perhaps it will shed some light on what's inside my crazy little head.
My thoughts are in red:
"Social phobia (also sometimes called social anxiety) is a type of anxiety problem. Extreme feelings of shyness and self-consciousness build into a powerful fear. As a result, a person feels uncomfortable participating in everyday social situations."
Oh yes. It's quite a fear. Men terrify me.
"People with social phobia can usually interact easily with family and a few close friends. But meeting new people, talking in a group, or speaking in public can cause their extreme shyness to kick in."
Alas, this is the way it has always been with me. That's why I visit Memere so often. And even she makes me nervous at times.
"With social phobia, a person's extreme shyness, self-consciousness, and fears of embarrassment get in the way of life. Instead of enjoying social activities, people with social phobia might dread them - and avoid some of them altogether."
Seriously. This is all so true.
From another site:
People with social anxiety are many times seen by others as being shy, quiet, backward, withdrawn, inhibited, unfriendly, nervous, aloof, and disinterested. People with social anxiety want to be "normal" socially, they want to make friends and they want to be involved and engaged in social interactions. Having social anxiety prevents people from being able to do the things they want to do. People with social anxiety want to be friendly, open, and sociable. It is fear (anxiety) that holds them back from participating.
I say all the time that I want to hang out with people. There are people I want to hang out, but I'm too scared. Because it's been too long and they'll think it's weird. See?
"Triggering symptoms:
Being introduced to other people
Hate it!
Being teased or criticized
Hate it!
Being the center of attention
When I'm being praised, it's okay. Otherwise, no.
Being watched or observed while doing something
Jose, the sexy maintenance man at work, does this to me. With those sexy Spanish eyes of his. I think he's just messing with me, though.
Having to say something in a formal, public situation
Do not want!
Meeting people in authority ("important people/authority figures")
Not really, but I consider hot guys authority figures, so yes.
Feeling insecure and out of place in social situations ("I don’t know what to say.")
Again, my life.
Embarrassing easily (e.g., blushing, shaking)
I hate to bring up the gelled-hair man and the mini panic attacks he used to give me. Shit, he still does. Except now the shaking is from rage.
Meeting other peoples’ eyes
Ugh, awkward.
Swallowing, writing, talking, making phone calls if in public
Well, I hate making phone calls in general. Because I'm bugging someone when they're doing something.
I have been diagnosed, in my youth, with a form of social phobia. I've certainly improved, but I've realized recently that putting myself out there is still not something I feel comfortable with. It's why I've been single for eight years, why I am slowly losing all my friends, and why I depend on Facebook (since I can participate in the safe zone that is my apartment, without a lot of people noticing me). Really, I only ever update my status because I want comments and attention. I want people to know I'm still here. I don't want them to forget about me. But it's the farthest I'm willing to reach out.
I know one way to get over a phobia is to confront what you're afraid of. This is horrifying. It's like asking me to touch a spider, which I will never do. *shudder* But, like the website says, I have always felt like I'm missing out on something. It makes me hate birthdays because it just reminds me that I've wasted another year and that I'm slowly turning into an old spinster cat lady, which I joke about, but it's true. I feel like my summer is wasted because I want so badly to go to Funtown and the beach and the Pier with my friends (and perhaps even with the boy I really like) while the weather is good for it, but I can't do it and I don't know why. It's very strange that the things I want most in life are the things I'm most scared of. It sucks because there are so many people I miss like crazy, and waiting for them to approach me doesn't work because since I never talk to them, they must think I don't care anymore. But I LOVE all of them.
In closing, I'm even insecure about posting this. Still, I want as many people to know that I'm not shunning them. (And it's not just one person. It's a lot.) There's more, but it's midnight and this is way too long already.
My thoughts are in red:
"Social phobia (also sometimes called social anxiety) is a type of anxiety problem. Extreme feelings of shyness and self-consciousness build into a powerful fear. As a result, a person feels uncomfortable participating in everyday social situations."
Oh yes. It's quite a fear. Men terrify me.
"People with social phobia can usually interact easily with family and a few close friends. But meeting new people, talking in a group, or speaking in public can cause their extreme shyness to kick in."
Alas, this is the way it has always been with me. That's why I visit Memere so often. And even she makes me nervous at times.
"With social phobia, a person's extreme shyness, self-consciousness, and fears of embarrassment get in the way of life. Instead of enjoying social activities, people with social phobia might dread them - and avoid some of them altogether."
Seriously. This is all so true.
From another site:
People with social anxiety are many times seen by others as being shy, quiet, backward, withdrawn, inhibited, unfriendly, nervous, aloof, and disinterested. People with social anxiety want to be "normal" socially, they want to make friends and they want to be involved and engaged in social interactions. Having social anxiety prevents people from being able to do the things they want to do. People with social anxiety want to be friendly, open, and sociable. It is fear (anxiety) that holds them back from participating.
I say all the time that I want to hang out with people. There are people I want to hang out, but I'm too scared. Because it's been too long and they'll think it's weird. See?
"Triggering symptoms:
Being introduced to other people
Hate it!
Being teased or criticized
Hate it!
Being the center of attention
When I'm being praised, it's okay. Otherwise, no.
Being watched or observed while doing something
Jose, the sexy maintenance man at work, does this to me. With those sexy Spanish eyes of his. I think he's just messing with me, though.
Having to say something in a formal, public situation
Do not want!
Meeting people in authority ("important people/authority figures")
Not really, but I consider hot guys authority figures, so yes.
Feeling insecure and out of place in social situations ("I don’t know what to say.")
Again, my life.
Embarrassing easily (e.g., blushing, shaking)
I hate to bring up the gelled-hair man and the mini panic attacks he used to give me. Shit, he still does. Except now the shaking is from rage.
Meeting other peoples’ eyes
Ugh, awkward.
Swallowing, writing, talking, making phone calls if in public
Well, I hate making phone calls in general. Because I'm bugging someone when they're doing something.
I have been diagnosed, in my youth, with a form of social phobia. I've certainly improved, but I've realized recently that putting myself out there is still not something I feel comfortable with. It's why I've been single for eight years, why I am slowly losing all my friends, and why I depend on Facebook (since I can participate in the safe zone that is my apartment, without a lot of people noticing me). Really, I only ever update my status because I want comments and attention. I want people to know I'm still here. I don't want them to forget about me. But it's the farthest I'm willing to reach out.
I know one way to get over a phobia is to confront what you're afraid of. This is horrifying. It's like asking me to touch a spider, which I will never do. *shudder* But, like the website says, I have always felt like I'm missing out on something. It makes me hate birthdays because it just reminds me that I've wasted another year and that I'm slowly turning into an old spinster cat lady, which I joke about, but it's true. I feel like my summer is wasted because I want so badly to go to Funtown and the beach and the Pier with my friends (and perhaps even with the boy I really like) while the weather is good for it, but I can't do it and I don't know why. It's very strange that the things I want most in life are the things I'm most scared of. It sucks because there are so many people I miss like crazy, and waiting for them to approach me doesn't work because since I never talk to them, they must think I don't care anymore. But I LOVE all of them.
In closing, I'm even insecure about posting this. Still, I want as many people to know that I'm not shunning them. (And it's not just one person. It's a lot.) There's more, but it's midnight and this is way too long already.