dull, kangin/leeteuk
dull / 1157 words
rating: pg13
pairing: kangin/leeteuk
notes: because kangteuk is the only pairing i know how to write anymore. lol. /: includes run-on sentences and lack of capitalization.
it's hard to explain, but there's a constant dull pain in leeteuk's heart lately. he finds that even though he tries to smile as much as he can, more than he's able to, it still won't go away. it hasn't always been like this. he doesn't remember when it started, but he's aware of it every single day now. he pretends it's not there when he's on star king or super junior's miracle. he pretends that it doesn't feel like his heart is shattering into millions of pieces, second after second, because it's not.
but it kind of is.
the most frustrating part about it is that he doesn't know why. he has absolutely no clue why it feels like his world is falling apart around him. he's at the top of his career, he's a successful mc and singer, he's loved by thousands and thousands of people around the world, he's got a loving family. what more could he ask for?
it's not even that he wants love, because love, he knows, he'll find some day. he can wait for that one true love that will consume him. so if it's not the longing for a loved one... then what is it?
he's irritated recently, more so than usual and he's been a lot more emotional. donghae sometimes comes up to him, a casual rub at his shoulder and asks if he's okay, and leeteuk appreciates it - he really does, but it only serves in annoying him further.
for the sake of not snapping at his dongsaeng, he smiles (hollowly, because that seems like the only thing he's been able to do lately) and pats him on the head. "i'm fine." he says and distracts the younger boy with a movie on tv. he then disappears into their shared room and flops onto his bed, arms and legs stretched out wide with his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.
even though things haven't been going all that great lately, with kangin's situation and kibum's absence, leeteuk thinks that everything will be okay. their super show is still as popular as ever, so everything is alright on the official side. he knows it in his heart, but if that's the case, shouldn't he feel more confident? shouldn't he feel like he could conquer the world instead of feeling like he could break down any second of the day? (and he has, actually, but that's different he tells himself)
he fingers his phone for a few minutes, just letting his thumb run over the white cover before it flips open and he's scanning his contact list. he's got several numbers he never calls, because that's the way it works in the industry. if you don't have a certain celebrity's phone number, you might look like a fool if you're asked to call them on a show.
leeteuk bites his lip unconsciously once he reaches about the middle of his list, stopping at 'youngwoon'. it's only been a few hours since he last talked to his dongsaeng. he's at home with his family in seodaemungoo and they were going to make bulgogi for dinner and leeteuk smiled at the happiness in kangin's voice when he told him.
he sighs and flips his phone shut again, this time closing his eyes. he should stop depending so much on kangin. he decided a long time ago he was going to start being more independent, but the roles have already been possessed and it's hard to change them.
leeteuk opens his eyes again and looks down at his phone and before he can stop himself, it flips open and he's dialling his dongsaeng's number.
"hello? jungsoo hyung?" comes the deep voice through the receiver. leeteuk's stomach flips slightly and he takes a second before replying. "hey youngwoon ah. are you busy?"
there's a bit of shuffling in the background that makes it sound like the younger man is in bed. "no, i was kind of dozing off, honestly." kangin laughs and it makes leeteuk's lips curl into a small smile. "was the food good?" he asks and kangin makes an affirmative sound. "it was the best bulgogi i've had in forever. you need to try my mom's new recipe. it's delicious."
leeteuk knows kangin's family well and they treat him like a son, so he's no stranger to kangin's mother's amazing cooking skills. "that sounds great." leeteuk laughs, comfortable and familiar. "though i think imo-nim is making samgyetang. it smells like soup from the kitchen."
kangin snickers and there's some more shuffling, a sign that he's probably turning around. "ahh, there's too much good food around." he sighs, making leeteuk roll his eyes. "you eat too much." he says, earning a grunt from the other side. "yah, i'm resting aren't i? i'm allowed to have some luxuries."
on the other end, leeteuk nods even though there's no one to see it and they fall into a comfortable silence, just listening to each other's breathing. it's a habit they have. whenever one of them feels restless or stressed, they'll call each other and just talk about anything and calm down automatically.
"how are the others?" kangin suddenly asks, jolting leeteuk from his half-asleep state. he'd dozed off somewhere along the line. "they're fine," he replies, "they miss you." he adds with a small, sad smile. he doesn't say 'i miss you the most'. the reality of their situation still hurts too much.
"i miss them too."
leeteuk thinks he hears longing in the younger man's voice and it only serves to make that little dull pain in his heart grow a little bit bigger.
kangin then sighs on the other end and leeteuk bites down on his lip again. "fuck, hyung. i want to come back. i'm going crazy here." he says, an almost desperate tone to his voice. leeteuk knows how kangin can't stand being in one place for too long and can only imagine what his punishment is doing to him. "i know youngwoon ah. it's almost new years... just... keep positive. i want you back here with us soon."
he wants to believe his words have an effect on his dongsaeng, but sometimes, he just isn't so sure. kangin is making a sound of acknowledgement and he pauses, letting silence fall between them again.
"i think i should sleep, hyung." he says quietly and leeteuk's heart drops. kangin always does this. "okay." leeteuk says, knowing that it's pointless talking anymore. "goodnight."
"goodnight hyung. sleep well."
leeteuk removes his phone from his ear and stares at the display for a moment. it's weird, but the pain in his chest is still there. he doesn't know what he'd expected. if he'd expected that talking to kangin would make it all go away, but that's not reality.
reality is that he has to live with things moving a thousand miles per hour around him, and he's never quite able to catch up.
rating: pg13
pairing: kangin/leeteuk
notes: because kangteuk is the only pairing i know how to write anymore. lol. /: includes run-on sentences and lack of capitalization.
it's hard to explain, but there's a constant dull pain in leeteuk's heart lately. he finds that even though he tries to smile as much as he can, more than he's able to, it still won't go away. it hasn't always been like this. he doesn't remember when it started, but he's aware of it every single day now. he pretends it's not there when he's on star king or super junior's miracle. he pretends that it doesn't feel like his heart is shattering into millions of pieces, second after second, because it's not.
but it kind of is.
the most frustrating part about it is that he doesn't know why. he has absolutely no clue why it feels like his world is falling apart around him. he's at the top of his career, he's a successful mc and singer, he's loved by thousands and thousands of people around the world, he's got a loving family. what more could he ask for?
it's not even that he wants love, because love, he knows, he'll find some day. he can wait for that one true love that will consume him. so if it's not the longing for a loved one... then what is it?
he's irritated recently, more so than usual and he's been a lot more emotional. donghae sometimes comes up to him, a casual rub at his shoulder and asks if he's okay, and leeteuk appreciates it - he really does, but it only serves in annoying him further.
for the sake of not snapping at his dongsaeng, he smiles (hollowly, because that seems like the only thing he's been able to do lately) and pats him on the head. "i'm fine." he says and distracts the younger boy with a movie on tv. he then disappears into their shared room and flops onto his bed, arms and legs stretched out wide with his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.
even though things haven't been going all that great lately, with kangin's situation and kibum's absence, leeteuk thinks that everything will be okay. their super show is still as popular as ever, so everything is alright on the official side. he knows it in his heart, but if that's the case, shouldn't he feel more confident? shouldn't he feel like he could conquer the world instead of feeling like he could break down any second of the day? (and he has, actually, but that's different he tells himself)
he fingers his phone for a few minutes, just letting his thumb run over the white cover before it flips open and he's scanning his contact list. he's got several numbers he never calls, because that's the way it works in the industry. if you don't have a certain celebrity's phone number, you might look like a fool if you're asked to call them on a show.
leeteuk bites his lip unconsciously once he reaches about the middle of his list, stopping at 'youngwoon'. it's only been a few hours since he last talked to his dongsaeng. he's at home with his family in seodaemungoo and they were going to make bulgogi for dinner and leeteuk smiled at the happiness in kangin's voice when he told him.
he sighs and flips his phone shut again, this time closing his eyes. he should stop depending so much on kangin. he decided a long time ago he was going to start being more independent, but the roles have already been possessed and it's hard to change them.
leeteuk opens his eyes again and looks down at his phone and before he can stop himself, it flips open and he's dialling his dongsaeng's number.
"hello? jungsoo hyung?" comes the deep voice through the receiver. leeteuk's stomach flips slightly and he takes a second before replying. "hey youngwoon ah. are you busy?"
there's a bit of shuffling in the background that makes it sound like the younger man is in bed. "no, i was kind of dozing off, honestly." kangin laughs and it makes leeteuk's lips curl into a small smile. "was the food good?" he asks and kangin makes an affirmative sound. "it was the best bulgogi i've had in forever. you need to try my mom's new recipe. it's delicious."
leeteuk knows kangin's family well and they treat him like a son, so he's no stranger to kangin's mother's amazing cooking skills. "that sounds great." leeteuk laughs, comfortable and familiar. "though i think imo-nim is making samgyetang. it smells like soup from the kitchen."
kangin snickers and there's some more shuffling, a sign that he's probably turning around. "ahh, there's too much good food around." he sighs, making leeteuk roll his eyes. "you eat too much." he says, earning a grunt from the other side. "yah, i'm resting aren't i? i'm allowed to have some luxuries."
on the other end, leeteuk nods even though there's no one to see it and they fall into a comfortable silence, just listening to each other's breathing. it's a habit they have. whenever one of them feels restless or stressed, they'll call each other and just talk about anything and calm down automatically.
"how are the others?" kangin suddenly asks, jolting leeteuk from his half-asleep state. he'd dozed off somewhere along the line. "they're fine," he replies, "they miss you." he adds with a small, sad smile. he doesn't say 'i miss you the most'. the reality of their situation still hurts too much.
"i miss them too."
leeteuk thinks he hears longing in the younger man's voice and it only serves to make that little dull pain in his heart grow a little bit bigger.
kangin then sighs on the other end and leeteuk bites down on his lip again. "fuck, hyung. i want to come back. i'm going crazy here." he says, an almost desperate tone to his voice. leeteuk knows how kangin can't stand being in one place for too long and can only imagine what his punishment is doing to him. "i know youngwoon ah. it's almost new years... just... keep positive. i want you back here with us soon."
he wants to believe his words have an effect on his dongsaeng, but sometimes, he just isn't so sure. kangin is making a sound of acknowledgement and he pauses, letting silence fall between them again.
"i think i should sleep, hyung." he says quietly and leeteuk's heart drops. kangin always does this. "okay." leeteuk says, knowing that it's pointless talking anymore. "goodnight."
"goodnight hyung. sleep well."
leeteuk removes his phone from his ear and stares at the display for a moment. it's weird, but the pain in his chest is still there. he doesn't know what he'd expected. if he'd expected that talking to kangin would make it all go away, but that's not reality.
reality is that he has to live with things moving a thousand miles per hour around him, and he's never quite able to catch up.