._.
I sobbed my eyes out after Salla texted me yesterday morning. I couldn't stop.
I went downstairs and still couldn't stop. My mom gave me a huge hug and it took a bit to get composed.
All day was a fog. I'd randomly start tearing up badly, I started crying washing some dishes with everyone around, I tried to get drunk so much but it just never happened.
After everyone left, mom took a shower and then I did. I stood in the shower sobbing for I don't know how long, but the water ran ice cold before I got out.
And then I stood wrapped in a towel for another 10, 15 minutes maybe, sobbing more. The towel felt like a hug and I just.. collapsed.
I finished up eventually, grabbed another beer and went to my room. I'm trying to find a song... something.
"You and I Will Meet Again" by Tom Petty was my song for Steve and David. I tried it for Evan and it doesn't hit right.
"Say Hello 2 Heaven" was my Evelyn song and.. it isn't right for Evan, either. It isn't really right for Evelyn, to be clear, but that song hit right in my soul then. That, and Zeppelin. All the Zeppelin.
For Evan... I'm having a tough time. Yes, the quote from ROTK is perfect. Parts of "Into the West" are perfect. But the song.. the song that hits your heart and soul and weaves a melody with the pain - haven't found it just yet.
Haven't logged into Lotro to break the news, either. I'm dreading that.
God, I miss him so much. It is so unbelievably devastating that I'm going to miss him this way for the rest of my life.
I'm really not okay. Sleep did not come easy, and I've been up since 6am. I'm randomly falling to pieces today and have done no work at all.
I just keep refreshing Facebook reading the tagged posts and waiting to hear about funeral info, which likely won't come until tomorrow. And funerals are capped at 25 people for some inexplicable assinine covid reason so I won't get to go to that, either.
Also not sure how or when or if I'll get to see Salla. I'm going to fall to pieces again when I see him. I fall apart just thinking about seeing him.
My Evan. I loved that kid so much.
I am so far from okay. I can't even imagine how upset and wrecked Sherri and the family are.
It should have been me, somehow, instead. I wish it was. 24 fucking years old. Fuck.
I went downstairs and still couldn't stop. My mom gave me a huge hug and it took a bit to get composed.
All day was a fog. I'd randomly start tearing up badly, I started crying washing some dishes with everyone around, I tried to get drunk so much but it just never happened.
After everyone left, mom took a shower and then I did. I stood in the shower sobbing for I don't know how long, but the water ran ice cold before I got out.
And then I stood wrapped in a towel for another 10, 15 minutes maybe, sobbing more. The towel felt like a hug and I just.. collapsed.
I finished up eventually, grabbed another beer and went to my room. I'm trying to find a song... something.
"You and I Will Meet Again" by Tom Petty was my song for Steve and David. I tried it for Evan and it doesn't hit right.
"Say Hello 2 Heaven" was my Evelyn song and.. it isn't right for Evan, either. It isn't really right for Evelyn, to be clear, but that song hit right in my soul then. That, and Zeppelin. All the Zeppelin.
For Evan... I'm having a tough time. Yes, the quote from ROTK is perfect. Parts of "Into the West" are perfect. But the song.. the song that hits your heart and soul and weaves a melody with the pain - haven't found it just yet.
Haven't logged into Lotro to break the news, either. I'm dreading that.
God, I miss him so much. It is so unbelievably devastating that I'm going to miss him this way for the rest of my life.
I'm really not okay. Sleep did not come easy, and I've been up since 6am. I'm randomly falling to pieces today and have done no work at all.
I just keep refreshing Facebook reading the tagged posts and waiting to hear about funeral info, which likely won't come until tomorrow. And funerals are capped at 25 people for some inexplicable assinine covid reason so I won't get to go to that, either.
Also not sure how or when or if I'll get to see Salla. I'm going to fall to pieces again when I see him. I fall apart just thinking about seeing him.
My Evan. I loved that kid so much.
I am so far from okay. I can't even imagine how upset and wrecked Sherri and the family are.
It should have been me, somehow, instead. I wish it was. 24 fucking years old. Fuck.