Fic: Xin ai, thy name is Serenity
Title: Xin ai, thy name is Serenity
Author: jazzfic
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Mal/River, Simon/Kaylee (implied)
Words: 7400 approx
Summary: Sometimes it takes the love of one to understand another.
Written for: mirageofmae for malriv_ficathon. So, I took one of the specifics given and expanded it to the point where it kind of took over the whole fic. Using Simon's voice was not an easy task to get right, believe me, but I think (I hope) I got somewhere.
Beta: A big shiny thankyou to whatever_we_are, not only for the beta, but above all for convincing me that I could actually make this work.
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership of these characters, and make no profit from them. Joss, to quote Nathan, is Boss.
To mirageofmae, I hope you like it. It's all about the muse, baby ;)
Their screams I can hear through the metal, in the metal, in the bullets and the musk from Jayne's gun. I can smell their rage and their blood, as I can Kaylee's, Zoe's. As I can my own.
The confusion is close around us. Stifling. Hot. I fall back, the projectile piercing deep into my ribcage, loud and angry like the Reaver who shot it. My eyes are wide open, staring at the grating above me. There is murmuring from the others; Kaylee, too weak herself, chokes out my name, her breath cut with blood thick in her throat and in her mouth.
And then River appears. Little River, not a weapon on her, bare limbs covered by flimsy green fabric. She kneels beside me, and she is crying.
She is crying for my life. She shouldn't be here. She should not have had to choose.
River...River, I'm sorry...
No, she says, eyes wide, bright and burning with tears. No. You take care of me, Simon.
Carries not a weapon because she is a weapon. She presses cool fingers to my cheek and stands up, whispers through the gunfire, through the screams. Words only we can hear, the two of us alone.
My turn, she says. Then she runs.
My turn.
In lessons taught back on Earth-That-Was, schoolchildren learnt to refer to the years in which they lived as being after the birth of Christ, Anno Domini, but for us I guess you could say that we lived before Miranda, as we now live after Miranda.
Since my earliest recollections I had always known I would do well in life. But inasmuch as I outshone my parents' wishes, I somehow at the same time felt an undue resistance, and for a great part of my childhood and adolescence this confused me. For you see it is not in my nature to turn against expectations--my father, though he remained at a distance throughout the time I knew him, had the knowledge of my lofty goals drummed into me from my first days of learning. Indeed, it would not have surprised me to know my career was picked out and put into motion before I had taken my first steps.
But then my sister was born, and in the best and the worst stroke of fate, quickly overtook me, believed the lie of a happy future in the arms of men who could see what she could not. Things none of us could see, because they were too terrible to even dream of, because we underestimated the greed for power which lay in our keepers, our doctors, our government. These men, though, they understood. They understood her abilities, her power, and the extent to which this little girl fuelled that greed. Just like that, they erased her life, took her memories and left an entire world's dirty little secret in place of nothing.
River. What I would give to go back, change every idea, every choice, every cut that tore her and altered her.
River, mei-mei...what I would give to never change her at all.
To change in itself is not always liked. It can be a terrible, uncomfortable thing, but there is always some good, hidden deep underneath. It's like slicing the skin with a scalpel; the first incision, that first step is always the worst. The hardest part is realising that what we took to be so terrible, so uncomfortable, is often that which turns out to be our yun qi, the good born from the bad.
In this way River changed, too; before Miranda her fears and longings was scattered, undone and wrapped up in a million angry voices in her head. After, though the fears still reached out, this time they shot forward and landed, took hold of things. It changed more than I was immediately aware of, fundamental, irretrievable changes; the geng de xin that can be the cause of more pain than good, especially to a girl who had lived as an adult from too early a time, for too long a time.
I mention all this, you see, because of what happened around the time that six or seven months had passed since our battling the Reavers and losing Wash--and a month after that, Inara, who left for the last time for Sihnon. I mention this because my understanding that we shared everything and kept nothing turned out to be a misconception, for River, my little sister, after Miranda built a secret in her head and would not let it go.
Secrets are like skin and bone to us Tams; they seep into our lives and turn our hearts into angry beasts. They so are familiar, and yet I hate them. River's secret grew out of the simple step of taking charge of her own actions, like running not from the Reavers, but at them, whereupon her fear became her weapon.
But this was not a war in her mind, nor on the outside. It was her nei xin. The beating of her heart.
"Simon?"
Woken quietly from a lazy, dreamless state, I felt the sudden sensation of cool skin dragging the sheets from my body, and before I could react she jumped in beside me, her frame small and trembling as a pool of liquid.
"River..."
She peeked darkly at me over a hem of cotton. "Can't sleep." A frown pinched her lips. "You're too cold."
Kaylee, poor girl, was on the recovering end of a bout of the flu and had banished me from her room, claiming her coughing kept me awake through the night. Which was true, it did, but I didn't care in the slightest, and had told her so, though to no avail. Which was why I was here, back in the so-called guest's quarters, but what were and really always would be River's and mine. Back again to having my sister crawl into my bed at all hours. I shifted up so my torso was exposed, grabbed the tee shirt I had discarded earlier in the night and quickly shrugged it on. I wished she'd get out from under my blankets, but when I turned back to look all I could see were her eyes and her toes, pale in the darkness. I sighed and reached for the light.
It was, I knew, an awkward situation, grown out of my relationship with Kaylee and the fact that River's recovery had given her more room to mature and discover things about herself that weren't necessarily wrapped up in pure scientific intellect. And this in itself was the hardest to voice, I not wanting to push her away, and River...well, I wouldn't say she knew no better, because she always, always knew the truth. It was only that her thickest skin was her innocence, or more importantly the veneer of innocence into which she had grown from day one. It was something even the blue-handed men could never remove. Which had been fine before. But now, living in a situation of relative normality, were she to up and crawl into my bed as an adult as she had as a child--not so good.
"River," I said again, trying to wrestle some control from the situation, "you really shouldn't be here--"
"Something's wrong. Something's changed."
Her voice was indistinct, shot through with a barely audible tremor. I had inoculated the crew immediately when Kaylee had fallen ill, but I placed a hand on her forehead anyway, finding the skin cool and dry. "What's wrong?" I repeated kindly, leaning against the wall. "Jayne hasn't been teasing you again, has he?"
For this I received a roll of the eyes which managed to be both painfully tender and wholly exasperated. "Not Jayne, then," I said quickly. "Is it--"
"Hear his confusion, his longing. He wants silk and colours, he wants the butterfly to bite back, tear him, love him. He can't love in return, he knows there is no feeling. Doesn't see in which direction the feelings point. But I do. I do and it hurts."
"River, what...who are you talking about?"
A blush, slight and transitory as if she had been pricked with a needle, burned her cheeks for a second and then faded. But I caught it. "His xin ai," she whispered, and lifted the sheet from where it pushed against her lips. "His Serenity."
I closed my eyes. "Please, mei-mei, don't...don't go looking for something that isn't there. This...someone, he's not--"
"Names don't matter," she cut in, "they're too bu liang..." But she'd caught herself, opened up something she perhaps hadn't wanted to. I felt the sheets pulled aside, a flash of movement past my body, and when I opened my eyes again she was gone.
Breakfast was a fairly subdued affair, what with Kaylee coughing into her protein cereal and River studiously avoiding my every attempt to meet her eyes. I liked to think I had infinite patience though, so I persevered; eventually she relented and flicked an irritated glance in my direction. But this was followed with a hint of a smile, so I knew I was forgiven.
Last night, when I was alone again, I had laid back and stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours, and considering the fuzziness that was taking more than a few cups of tea to escape my brain this morning, probably was. Trying to make sense of thoughts from a dulled and confused state--settling on no more helpful conclusions than the fact that my sister had seen something in Captain Reynolds' mind, and had taken it very, very close to heart.
I looked again and saw that the smile had returned; she sat, bowl pushed to the side, one knee drawn up to her chin, looking carefully at Mal with her dark head tilted like a silent question mark. As I watched, he noticed her staring and caught her eye over the rim of his mug. "Little one, you're understanding the course for today? On a bit of a tight schedule to drop this load off--window of opportunity bein' as it is on the lean side, I'm gonna want to be well off sight of Boros 'fore Alliance patrol get a sniff."
"Of course," she said quickly, as if it had been unnecessary for him to suggest she be anything other than his watcher, the second gun at his reach. "Feet won't touch the earth. She will go faster than the wind, if I ask. Ship knows me now, I won't let her break."
"I'm sure you won't, darlin'."
I noticed Zoe's gaze rest on River, watching, as I did, the press of my sister's lips as she kept her eyes pinned on Mal. I knew the last remark had brought Wash to her mind, though I believe he never was all that far, his memory tucked fiercely into that very private sphere from which Zoe's love rarely drifted. Perhaps in the same way it struck Mal too; his smile shifted from the coffee in his mug to River's hands as she twirled a fork absently between her fingers. I suspect he thought that keeping something forever from the threat of breakage was a foolish thing to swear to. Maybe it was better just to trust and be done.
At the far end of the table, Jayne grinned and winked roguishly at our general audience. "Think I'll stay a while after the deal's shook. Maybe head into Everton an' get me some tasty."
Mal blinked. "Am I speakin' Old Londinium or are you operating on time delay again?" He stared down at the mercenary, almost as if he was overcompensating for a powerful urge to do something else. Like laugh. As poor Kaylee was beside me, with considerably less success.
"Huh?"
I patted Kaylee on the back as Mal set his mug down and sighed.
"Quote of the day, Jayne, and feel free to write this down: Bu shi hou liu. Tight. Schedule."
"Tight?"
"Like the seat of my pants."
It was almost possible to see the wheels slowly rotating as this cryptic thought was processed into meaning. "Huh," Jayne muttered to himself. "Damn."
"Exactly." Mal stood up, speaking briskly. "So what's say we adhere to that principle and get going. Kaylee, am I goin' to be able to count on you to not fall into the engine, you feel anything other than a tickle in that throat of yours?"
She sniffed. "I'm perfectly in control of my faculties."
I glared stiffly at Mal, edged closer to Kaylee in indignant solidarity, which naturally he was only too happy to ignore. "That a yes?"
"Shi de, Cap'n."
"Shiny." Then finally he glanced down at my sister, who had throughout this exchange kelp her mouth shut but her eyes open, soaking up like a sponge the mixture of emotions that had played in circles underneath every spoken word. Zoe's silence, Jayne's confusion, Kaylee's loyalty, my annoyance. And rising above all of it, Mal Reynolds' unyielding resolve. Where River's belief at this moment stood might have been a hazy guess for anyone else, but for my part I saw it all too clearly.
Once I would have assumed unthinkingly that her belief was in me, but right now, seeing the half-smile on her lips, the way her eyes followed the captain across the room, and the dark lucidity with which they leant into his every movement, I realised last night she had not been speaking in half-truths.
"River," Mal said, turning to look over his shoulder, and without a word she glided off her chair and followed his booted steps on bare feet, across the room and out of the hatch. He hadn't needed to say anything more.
"She trusts. She follows without issue," I murmured, understanding, at which Kaylee frowned.
"Simon?"
"Nothing," I said quickly. I smiled at her, no effort in making that seem real. "Really. It's nothing."
She muffled a cough and took my arm. "You look upset, is all. Like you've seen a ghost."
"No," I said, holding on to the smile in the hope that it would convince us both. "Just a heart trying not to break."
Later that morning I found myself standing in the cargo hold beside the door controls with Kaylee, watching Mal, in his long boots and brown coat, and Jayne, with a gun strapped to each side, load a half-dozen large crates into the mule where Zoe tethered them down.
"Gorramn watch it!"
As usual, things were running smoothly.
"Did you not hear what I said? Move where I move. Step where I step."
"Then how's about you watch where you step, huh?"
"Boys." Zoe was waving her hands to get their attention. "A little less of the pointless bickering might be nice."
"Pointless my ass. He's the one who wanted these ruttin' things packed up so damn high..."
"Jayne! Shut up and work."
River had placed herself on one of these crates at the edge of the hold, legs tucked neatly underneath her. As they hefted the second to last into the already elevated transport, Mal turned back and without a word or reason gently pulled her down. She landed on the metal flooring with a hop and floated away, trailing her fingers out of his grasp. I saw a look of something sit momentarily in his gaze as he watched the back of her, before he was turning away and climbing into the mule next to Zoe.
"Okay, let's do this, people."
Aware suddenly that this leaving party of theirs still had an audience, he turned and looked at the three of us, River having since wandered around and planted herself neatly at my shoulder. When I glanced over her expression was blank, a hard mirror to Mal's own.
"Now I'm plannin' on being out and back within the hour," Mal said, raising his voice over the increasing roar coming from the mule's engine. "So don't go wandering off and getting yourselves into a great big pile of stupid."
We pretended to ignore this. "Have fun," Kaylee piped up helpfully as I pressed the controls and the door yawned open. Mal continued to look in our direction, his eyes drifting towards River before a waver of something not unlike confusion forced him to break away.
The mule rumbled unceremoniously out, leaving behind a noxious wake of fuel and dust. I left the doors open to savour the fresh air, despite that fact that the dull sky of Boros in the gap was looking more than a little unsettled.
"Rain," said River quietly, and I couldn't tell if it was a statement or a question. In any case she continued staring out, and her mouth opened as if to speak again, but she closed it and turned away.
"Don't go hiding, mei-mei," I began, but she shook her head, moving past Kaylee to the catwalk.
"My turn to watch," she offered over her shoulder. "Up high, small and safe in the crow's-nest. Responsibility's a heavy keel, Simon. I'm the anchor." Her eyes focused somewhere beyond me, out into the silent landscape, and it was unclear if they were shining with sadness or hope. "And I don't hide any more."
She disappeared up the steps. I rubbed a hand over my eyes, a wave of exhaustion settling lead-like in my stomach. Beside me Kaylee pulled supportively at my arm, smiling unflinchingly with those happy round eyes. "I know Cap'n said no wanderin', but if you want I can grab the deck chair and we can just...sit?"
I looked affectionately down at her. "You spoke in the singular. Who gets the chair?"
"Silly." She poked me in the ribcage. "We can share."
I sighed, looking back to the catwalk, thinking again of River. "All right."
Kaylee noticed my indecision. "She's okay, Simon. You've gotta cut her some slack." She hesitated at my side a moment longer, then turned away. "Back in a sec."
There was a rumble, low in the distance. A light breeze, warm and heavy, kicked at the dusty soil and pulled cloyingly at my hair. We had parked a few miles from the outer reaches of Everton, the nearest town. God knows where today's transaction was actually being made, but with that almost comically overblown load they had scuttled off with, I suspected it wasn't going to be in the main thoroughfare. Probably out somewhere in the hills. Mal hadn't actually said.
I hadn't actually asked, come to think of it. As usual, I was operating on a need-to-know basis, but I wasn't exactly helping my argument by not making some sort of effort myself.
Well, you know, he's probably told River...
River. It occurred to me that in all the time those two spent together in the cockpit, until River's vague confessional last night, of all the things she was constantly telling me--how Serenity was feeling, how she was feeling, what the stars told her, what Zoe, Jayne and Kaylee told her, both actual and in their thoughts--she had never spoken specifically of Mal, or what they did, or said, up there all alone. And to be honest, I had given it little thought until now. I think I had always assumed they just...flew.
Yes. Just like everyone assumed Wash would still be doing the flying. That Inara would never leave. That Book would still be here as our conscience and be lifting weights with Jayne.
"Don't assume," I said to the wind and the dust. "You'll just fall flat on your face."
"Here it is! I knew I'd hidden this thing somewhere. "
I turned to see Kaylee struggle towards the ramp, deck chair tucked precariously under one arm, basket dangling from the other. I quickly grabbed the chair--which was on closer inspection actually a sort of lounge--and set about untangling its metal struts.
"What's in the basket?"
"Lunch. Well, actually seeing as it's only mid-mornin' it's more like brunch...but it's food!" She laughed which started her coughing again. After a moment she added, as if I needed convincing, "It's all good. Really."
I frowned as the wind whipped at my shirt. "I'm not sure how long we should stay out here, Kaylee. I think the sky's about to fall at out feet."
"Oh, don't be such a worrywart. It's beautiful. Just sit would you?"
Worrywart? That's a new one. She had a point though, I supposed. With a small sigh I looked down at her as she swivelled the chair so it was sitting lengthways. Satisfied everything was where it should be, she placed herself on one end and patted the other.
"Sit."
I did so. She rummaged in the basket. "So. You want the protein bar...or the protein bar?"
This brought a grin to my face. "Do you know, I just can't make up my mind."
A gentle smile, and she pressed one of the foil wrapped shapes in my hand. "Will the variety never end?"
I looked away. "Everything ends," I said, softly. "At some point."
She gazed carefully at me, her round lips bent with a frown, though like her smile they remained gentle. Like Kaylee, everything always gentle, safe. I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of love for this girl, sitting there as the Boros sky murmured and crackled with electricity, ready to break and crash and hurt. Ready to shock us all. Where River was, I didn't know; where she was going I knew neither, and it punched me in the gut to think I was afraid of asking. And here was Kaylee, bringing me food, bringing me company. Sympathy she so desperately wanted to give, and I was taking none of it.
Something had to change. It was not about River. Or Mal. It was a feeling beyond that. Something in my heart had to let go, or I would never move again.
"I think River loves Captain Reynolds." I didn't know why I spoke, or how to stop the words as they left my mouth. All I felt for certain was that I no longer knew how to keep them away. "And I think I hate myself for it."
"Oh..."
"She came to me last night. I thought--this is my little sister, crawling into my bed, making me want to push her away but at the same time feeling so happy that she's not still crying into my pillow. 'Something's changed', she said. 'Something's changed'. And then how it hurt. How she hurt. I don't know...I don't know what she heard, what he said to her. I don't even know if he said anything--"
"Simon--"
"What could she have been thinking? He's nearly twice her age, and the only thing he truly shows any love for is this ship. That man has an zi lian...he's--he's gorramn held a candle for Inara close to six months now and she's not coming back, he knows it, but he's never going to let go. And River...if she believes in something that's not there, if she lays her heart bare for a promise that's as dead as the last man Mal shot, then it scares--" I pressed my hand against my eyes, not wanting to look at anything but the black. "It scares me it that will break her again."
For a long time Kaylee looked at me; I couldn't read her expression, I didn't know what I could read any more. Empathy had run clean out of my system, taking with it the lid that had until now bottled my frustrations.
"Simon," she said at last, and at this I laughed. It felt like my name had become a dying mantra, almost pathetically repetitive. "Do you really think that?"
"Thinking gets us all into so much trouble."
"Why?"
I frowned. "I don't follow..."
"Why should you brand everything like different points on a compass? Ain't it possible that somewhere in the middle things might just come right on their own?"
"Kaylee, I--like who? And can we just back track a moment here? You've yet to actually register surprise about the fact that my sister's in love with...with a man who not only has about as much feeling in him as that brown coat he wears, but barely a year ago, would happily have dumped the pair of us on the nearest moon."
Her lips tightened, the sympathetic look wavering slightly. "I'll just pretend you didn't say half of that. But, look, Simon, I'm surprised, yeah. But it don't make me angry. It makes me hope."
"Hope?"
"That there's a chance for some folks out there to find something, and pull it in, make it theirs. And you wanna know why I believe in that?"
I nodded. She took my hand, grasped it firmly, and her eyes were shining.
"It's what we're sitting on now. It's Serenity."
A drop of rain fell onto my shirt. Then another, warm and clean. I looked up at the grey mass, looked into the dark clouds and the swirling air, and I shook my head. "That's what River said."
And then the rain really fell. A great angry rush, as if the sky itself was weeping.
I think it was the weather that started it all. I don't remember clearly what happened after we scrambled up all our things and went back in, except that it was all very fast. I was closing the up the hold and Kaylee was stowing the deck chair away, when there was an almighty thud, making the pair of us jump and our boots rattle on the floor.
"Thunder?" Kaylee stared ay me.
"It didn't feel like thunder." The door sealed, I stepped away from the controls, when it came again.
Only this time, it was worse. Much worse.
One minute my hand was hovering over the panel, the next I found myself eye to eye with the hard metal grating. The whole ship shuddered, and my brain executed a series of g-force landings that brought stars to my eyes.
"Simon!" Kaylee's booted feet appeared in my peripheral vision, followed by her face, twisted with worry. She was coughing, a hoarse rasping cough. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." I struggled to a sitting position then stood up carefully. Already the pain in my head was fading. "What was that?"
"I don't know. It felt...electric. Like some sort of pulse went right through the ship."
I stared at my hand, breathing deeply. "I was almost touching..."
"But you weren't."
"No, I--"
River. "Oh, dear god."
"Quick," said Kaylee. But I was already running.
She had fallen to the ground, a delicate crumpled tangle of limbs and hair beside the pilot's seat. I skidded to a stop and knelt frantically at her side. "River, River..." My words were locked on repeat, slurred with panic.
Kaylee, awake to the practicalities, examined the navigation panel and frowned. "It must have been a surge through the grid, but I can't see any damage. Whatever it was, it came and went too fast for her to react."
"She's unconscious--she's...god, she's breathing. River, it's okay, I've got you..."
I lifted her, ignoring the aftershocks of dizziness, and moved to carry her out of the cockpit when above our heads the comm buzzed.
It was Mal. "Kaylee, 'fraid we've caught a slight hiccup in our midst here. It would be appreciated if you were to get those doors open, pronto. River, I want her ready to jump soon as we're on."
"They don't know," I said, desperately. "There could be another one of those...things. We need to fly. Now."
"I'm on it..."
"Hold on." I held on to River, close and breathing in the scent of her, afraid I would forget it was ever there. "Hold on."
Down in the infirmary, rows of instruments lined up on the bench began rattling with the noise and movement as the ship fought to escape Boros' atmosphere, but as I stood there alone with River, I barely noticed them. I had given her oxygen, watched her until she seemed stable, until her vital signs settled. For my part, my heart was a frantic pulse hard in my chest but I ignored it, just like I ignored the dizziness, and the hard and angry pull of the ship.
None of it meant anything any more. My world was in this room, fused to this small space of bright, white light, painful and silent.
"Shi yu," I whispered. "Qi shi yu, mei-mei."
"River..."
He stood at the doorway, unmoving, staring past my gaze at my sister, and if he had not just that second spoken aloud I might have doubted he had a single breath in his own lungs. There was blood high on his cheekbone and a ragged stain on his forearm.
"Is--" His voice was hoarse, and I wondered what fights he had ploughed through to get back to us. "Is she..?"
"She's stable. Breathing is steady," I offered tersely. "But she's unconscious."
At last Mal moved forward. "I, uh, we we're followed. Into Napei Valley. They said--we were gonna feel it, if we didn't give them the load. Jayne took three of 'em, Zoe shook us some distance, but we were too heavy. Dumped the cargo. 'Gonna feel what?', I asked. Didn't believe them. Thought they was small trade...an' I didn't believe them."
"Well, you should have. They did something. Two shocks, just before you called. Kaylee and I were in the hold, but River..."
"Doin' what I asked," he said softly, ignoring my words, "wouldn't do it any other way. She said, 'Feet won't touch the earth'." For a long moment he stood very still, then suddenly he took her wrist, knelt down and held her small hand between his own. As I watched his gaze broke, softened and released into an expression I had never seen before. "Her words..." But it was fleeting, disappeared, replaced by the tough, hard Mal that had stared with confusion at River back in the cargo hold. He stood up, looked away. "I'd...I can't stay here. Left Zoe at the helm. We've still gotta get out of this system, 'fore any of us can breathe easy again."
"That's a lie."
Hard eyes blazed into mine. He turned shoulder, exhaled sharply and headed for the door. "You can feel free to elaborate on that any time in the next day or so, Doc, but right now I've gotta keep us runnin', and I can't be doin' that here."
"Ni sha gua dan, damn you, Mal, it's River who does that," I said sharply. "And here's the thing you don't seem to understand--you're the one who keeps her running. Because for some reason--and I don't know how it came, or why, or when--but it's there, like...tong de gu du xin di, like there's a wounded space deep inside of her that needs something, someone to hold it so it can heal. My sister looks at you like she's never looked on anyone before, and it's because--" I took a deep breath, placed a hand down on River's forehead and brushed a damp strand of hair off her cheek. "It's because I can only do so much. You're it, Mal. It's your turn."
He gazed at me, stood upright and resolute at the doorway for what seemed like an eternity. His eyes were dark, blurred suddenly with what in any other man might have been tears, but my confusion and anger had left me so wrapped in uncertainty, that I found I could no longer tell.
At last he spoke. "I understand. I understand more than you know."
With a jerk he pulled the door open, stepped out, and as he did I realised we had both at that moment understood the truth, that angst really does split love into jealousy and longing. And that River was right. It hurt like hell.
It was close to midnight when she woke. I was in the process of hunting around for a painkiller for myself to relieve the headache that was thumping away quietly but insistently, when her eyes opened.
"Fell down," she whispered. "Fell down but didn't break."
I smiled, relieved beyond measure, and smoothed a hand over her forehead.
"No. You didn't."
I kept her in the infirmary for longer than was necessary. It gave me the excuse to watch over her. I don't know what I was worried about; she seemed even stronger than I as she lay there asleep. Maybe it was a case of emotional avoidance, though from which quarter I honestly didn't know. Had River been not so inclined to fall asleep right then she might well have read my mind, and I wasn't sure if I had the excuses just yet. In any case, Mal didn't return. Zoe and Jayne both came at various times to look in, but his name wasn't mentioned, and I didn't bother to ask.
That is, until I was joined by Kaylee, who arrived last and revealed that he had taken to the bridge shortly after leaving me, and hadn't emerged since.
"What did you say to him?" she asked curiously, looking down at the sleeping River and gently stroking the long stream of black hair as it fanned across the pillow.
I shrugged. I didn't want to talk about Mal any more. What I'd said was the truth, it had torn me up inside to do so, and I was tired, so tired, that all I wanted at that moment was focus my energy on my sister.
Kaylee shook her head sadly. "Well, whatever it was, I think you made your point."
"I suppose you can guess." I smiled ruefully.
"Yeah," she said. "Suppose I can."
"I watched him, you know. And there was a moment, just a moment, Kaylee, when he looked at her and all I could see in his eyes was love. But it closed up so fast, like it scared him. Like it was too much to bear."
"It funny," she said, after a pause, "before, you couldn't stop thinkin' on River, how all this was gonna affect her. And now you seem more worried 'bout the cap'n's feelings."
I bit back a short laugh. "Yes. The irony."
We fell silent. Kaylee rubbed my back lightly, then in time pressed a kiss at the nape of my neck. "Simon. There's still some dinner left upstairs."
"That's all right, I'm not that hungry."
"No, I mean it." She peered sternly at me then muffled a cough, which slightly lessened the severity. "Or at least go make yourself a drink. It's okay. I'll stay here."
I sighed, wiped a tired palm over my eyes. My skin felt like sandpaper. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure. Go."
I hesitated, made to say something further but she was already pushing me gently out the door, and eventually I gave in and left.
The galley was quiet. I noticed a covered plate on the end of the table and found it to be still warm, but I decided my stomach wasn't quite up to reconstituted protein, so I left it and instead pulled out a mug from the cupboard. I leaned against the bench, waiting for the tea to draw.
On my way up I had glanced down the corridor and considered stopping by the bridge. But I realised there wasn't anything else I could say to Mal, at least not tonight. Now River had regained consciousness the only relationship I was interested in was hers alone. But standing there in the quiet, I realised how rightly that implied what I had been arguing against all this time; that there'd be a day when I would accept my sister's attraction to a man I had up until that moment considered too unlawful, too emotionally empty, too old and too damaged himself, to be worthy of her.
"Well, that's a first," I said aloud.
It was all getting to be too much for my tired brain to process. I picked up the tea, breathed in the fragrant steam, and walked out, leaving the room in darkness.
Looking back, I don't know if it was that moment by myself in the galley that triggered the change, or what I witnessed shortly after. Perhaps I should have seen it coming, but it is a hard thing to remember why certain things truly move us, to recall in detail without bias, without prejudice. Accepting the choices my sister had made throughout her life was something I had come to believe in as a process, an emotional gap sitting forever outside of my influence.
But that did not make them easy. If they were we'd be living a fairytale, and I had long since stopped believing in those.
"Kaylee?"
I found her perched at the top of the stairs leading down to the infirmary. At the sound of my footsteps she turned and put a hand out to stop me proceeding.
"Simon, uh, you'd better not..."
"What do you mean?"
She looked up at me, genuine feeling in her eyes. "Cap'n came back."
At once I edged past, ignoring her hand on my arm. Near the bottom I was able to see in, and there I stopped.
River was not only awake again, but completely out of bed; she had nestled herself in a sitting position on one of the benches that rimmed the far side of the room, one leg pulled neatly up beneath her, the other dangling gracefully over the edge. Her arms were at hard angles against her thighs, fingers pressing firmly against the bench top. There was a tense feeling to her pose, which I might have taken for irritation or indifference, had I not then seen her eyes.
She was gazing across the room, and they were dark, so intensely dark, that whoever was in their focus must have surely found it impossible to look away.
As Mal stepped into view, I realised how right I was.
Neither of them spoke, and the one look they shared was held fixed as if they had run so far but could not move that final distance. He stopped a few steps away, his eyes focused entirely on her, washed with a strange mix of anxiety and remorse, and beneath it all, raw and fragile, that admission of feeling he must have fought so hard to deny. It was an awakening to a deep and absolute attraction, a sensation so vivid in the air between them, that these words unspoken might have alone broken the silence.
Perhaps this was all they needed.
I should have turned away but I simply couldn't move. I should have listened to Kaylee, but this was River, and for River I felt so much, would always lose just a little part with every tear she shed or lie she suffered. I won't lie and say at this moment that did not happen, because it did, because she is my sister, but as I watched I felt the hurt start to dissolve, just a bit. Enough not to forget.
She spoke, a silent plea and suddenly he was there, leaning against the bench, close in beside her. She gently, hesitantly touched his shoulders with both hands, let them sit on the indigo shirt, fingers pressing fleetingly at his collarbone, studying here a fraying buttonhole, here a splattering of blood, here a tiny scar at his throat. And all the time her eyes were upon him, a brilliant stare, delicately and darkly afire.
His lips moved. He shook his head, tensed as if to step back but she checked him, cupped pale hands to his face, spoke again, urgent and low. It worked. Mal dropped his head and River touched her lips to his brow, over and over, on his eyelids and cheek and then he lifted his head back, breathed one word against her parted mouth, and in a moment flashed past hesitation when neither of them could think any more, they kissed and kissed again, slowly, urgently and wholly desperate.
Kaylee moved quietly in behind me, murmured quickly at my shoulder. "Simon..." She did not look at River, or Mal, only at me, and as she spoke she wrapped her hand into mine. "Let 'em be."
I let the breath go that I had not until that moment realised I was holding. "I might have to."
Through the glass, in the soft and vacant light, Mal stood and held my sister, his arms wrapped tightly around her small body, and River, hair falling softly over her face, closed her eyes against his chest, still and silent as if understanding had come to them both at last.
There is quiet all around us. No one breathes because we don't dare.
Please, I think. Ting zhi jie shu. Qi, ting zhi jie shu.
There is silence and terror behind those doors--I can feel it, past the numbness in my chest, past the ringing in my ears, there is silence and it screams and I can feel it like a heavy weight through me and upon me.
The last I saw of her was a pale, bloodied face, drawn white with horror and desperation, drawn tight with courage. Her arms pulled and clawed at by dozens of animalistic, salivating hands and teeth, and all the time she was looking back at us, at me.
But now the doors are closed, and silent. And I don't know what to think any more.
Behind us the lift jerks into motion, hauling itself down on ancient mechanics, and out of its yawning mouth steps Mal. He looks like hell, but he is alive.
One word comes from his cut and bruised lips. One word, laced with all the anguish and cursed pride of a man who has seen too much of the dark and wants only one hope to prevail, to live again.
River...
As he speaks the great doors rumble apart, spilling light into our greasy, dark hold. Light, too bright upon our eyes but none of us can look away.
She stands, fragile and bent into an awkward pose of destruction. It is a painful sight, a wonderful sight. It is a thing of beauty.
When I stare, it is at my sister. But Mal is staring at River, and he is locked into the eyes of a dream where nothing but the true beyond will move him again.
I spent a half hour in the galley. It was late, and I should have been trying to get some sleep myself, but my brain was overloaded with thought. Most of which I poured out to Kaylee as she stood quietly and made a fresh pot of tea for the both of us.
She told me how she believed I would come to accept River's choice, that acceptance was the hardest part to break. I didn't say how deeply I already knew this, but I thanked her anyway, because this was Kaylee, and I loved her.
I stood up, apologised, said I needed to go back. She nodded, knowing the reasons why but never speaking them.
"Come back after, 'kay?"
With a smile I leant over, touched her on the cheek. "I will."
The lights were still on in the infirmary but I found River alone. She was back on the bed, staring vacantly up at the ceiling. When she saw me at the door she smiled slightly, held a hand out.
I stepped in, stopped close by her side. The blue light illuminated the darkness of her hair, making her skin look paler than ever. But there was a hint of colour in her cheeks, and her wrist when I held it to feel the pulse felt cool to the touch. I stood there, silence hanging in the space between us, and I opened my mouth to speak, the words trying to find purchase, find acceptance and reason. It was the worry I no longer wanted to feel, the uncertainty I needed to tell.
"Ragged soul," she said softly, seeing at once the look in my eyes. "Up too late to wander and cry. You'll be sorry in the morning."
I laughed, a choked gush of relief.
"Oh, mei-mei..."
But she spoke no further. After a moment she smoothed a hand to rest under her cheek, smiled into the pillow and looked away with a gallant tranquillity, as if I had done no more than stir her gently from a dream.
end
Translations:
Xin ai -- beloved. Mei-mei -- little sister. Yun qi -- luck. Geng de xin -- change of heart. Nei xin -- innermost being. Bu liang -- harmful. Bu shi hou liu -- no time to linger. Shi de -- yes. An zi lian -- secretly long for. Shi yu -- be better/recover. Ni sha gua dan -- you fool. Tong de gu du xin di -- the ache of a lonely heart. Qi ting zhi jie shu -- please let it end.
Author: jazzfic
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Mal/River, Simon/Kaylee (implied)
Words: 7400 approx
Summary: Sometimes it takes the love of one to understand another.
Written for: mirageofmae for malriv_ficathon. So, I took one of the specifics given and expanded it to the point where it kind of took over the whole fic. Using Simon's voice was not an easy task to get right, believe me, but I think (I hope) I got somewhere.
Beta: A big shiny thankyou to whatever_we_are, not only for the beta, but above all for convincing me that I could actually make this work.
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership of these characters, and make no profit from them. Joss, to quote Nathan, is Boss.
To mirageofmae, I hope you like it. It's all about the muse, baby ;)
Their screams I can hear through the metal, in the metal, in the bullets and the musk from Jayne's gun. I can smell their rage and their blood, as I can Kaylee's, Zoe's. As I can my own.
The confusion is close around us. Stifling. Hot. I fall back, the projectile piercing deep into my ribcage, loud and angry like the Reaver who shot it. My eyes are wide open, staring at the grating above me. There is murmuring from the others; Kaylee, too weak herself, chokes out my name, her breath cut with blood thick in her throat and in her mouth.
And then River appears. Little River, not a weapon on her, bare limbs covered by flimsy green fabric. She kneels beside me, and she is crying.
She is crying for my life. She shouldn't be here. She should not have had to choose.
River...River, I'm sorry...
No, she says, eyes wide, bright and burning with tears. No. You take care of me, Simon.
Carries not a weapon because she is a weapon. She presses cool fingers to my cheek and stands up, whispers through the gunfire, through the screams. Words only we can hear, the two of us alone.
My turn, she says. Then she runs.
My turn.
In lessons taught back on Earth-That-Was, schoolchildren learnt to refer to the years in which they lived as being after the birth of Christ, Anno Domini, but for us I guess you could say that we lived before Miranda, as we now live after Miranda.
Since my earliest recollections I had always known I would do well in life. But inasmuch as I outshone my parents' wishes, I somehow at the same time felt an undue resistance, and for a great part of my childhood and adolescence this confused me. For you see it is not in my nature to turn against expectations--my father, though he remained at a distance throughout the time I knew him, had the knowledge of my lofty goals drummed into me from my first days of learning. Indeed, it would not have surprised me to know my career was picked out and put into motion before I had taken my first steps.
But then my sister was born, and in the best and the worst stroke of fate, quickly overtook me, believed the lie of a happy future in the arms of men who could see what she could not. Things none of us could see, because they were too terrible to even dream of, because we underestimated the greed for power which lay in our keepers, our doctors, our government. These men, though, they understood. They understood her abilities, her power, and the extent to which this little girl fuelled that greed. Just like that, they erased her life, took her memories and left an entire world's dirty little secret in place of nothing.
River. What I would give to go back, change every idea, every choice, every cut that tore her and altered her.
River, mei-mei...what I would give to never change her at all.
To change in itself is not always liked. It can be a terrible, uncomfortable thing, but there is always some good, hidden deep underneath. It's like slicing the skin with a scalpel; the first incision, that first step is always the worst. The hardest part is realising that what we took to be so terrible, so uncomfortable, is often that which turns out to be our yun qi, the good born from the bad.
In this way River changed, too; before Miranda her fears and longings was scattered, undone and wrapped up in a million angry voices in her head. After, though the fears still reached out, this time they shot forward and landed, took hold of things. It changed more than I was immediately aware of, fundamental, irretrievable changes; the geng de xin that can be the cause of more pain than good, especially to a girl who had lived as an adult from too early a time, for too long a time.
I mention all this, you see, because of what happened around the time that six or seven months had passed since our battling the Reavers and losing Wash--and a month after that, Inara, who left for the last time for Sihnon. I mention this because my understanding that we shared everything and kept nothing turned out to be a misconception, for River, my little sister, after Miranda built a secret in her head and would not let it go.
Secrets are like skin and bone to us Tams; they seep into our lives and turn our hearts into angry beasts. They so are familiar, and yet I hate them. River's secret grew out of the simple step of taking charge of her own actions, like running not from the Reavers, but at them, whereupon her fear became her weapon.
But this was not a war in her mind, nor on the outside. It was her nei xin. The beating of her heart.
"Simon?"
Woken quietly from a lazy, dreamless state, I felt the sudden sensation of cool skin dragging the sheets from my body, and before I could react she jumped in beside me, her frame small and trembling as a pool of liquid.
"River..."
She peeked darkly at me over a hem of cotton. "Can't sleep." A frown pinched her lips. "You're too cold."
Kaylee, poor girl, was on the recovering end of a bout of the flu and had banished me from her room, claiming her coughing kept me awake through the night. Which was true, it did, but I didn't care in the slightest, and had told her so, though to no avail. Which was why I was here, back in the so-called guest's quarters, but what were and really always would be River's and mine. Back again to having my sister crawl into my bed at all hours. I shifted up so my torso was exposed, grabbed the tee shirt I had discarded earlier in the night and quickly shrugged it on. I wished she'd get out from under my blankets, but when I turned back to look all I could see were her eyes and her toes, pale in the darkness. I sighed and reached for the light.
It was, I knew, an awkward situation, grown out of my relationship with Kaylee and the fact that River's recovery had given her more room to mature and discover things about herself that weren't necessarily wrapped up in pure scientific intellect. And this in itself was the hardest to voice, I not wanting to push her away, and River...well, I wouldn't say she knew no better, because she always, always knew the truth. It was only that her thickest skin was her innocence, or more importantly the veneer of innocence into which she had grown from day one. It was something even the blue-handed men could never remove. Which had been fine before. But now, living in a situation of relative normality, were she to up and crawl into my bed as an adult as she had as a child--not so good.
"River," I said again, trying to wrestle some control from the situation, "you really shouldn't be here--"
"Something's wrong. Something's changed."
Her voice was indistinct, shot through with a barely audible tremor. I had inoculated the crew immediately when Kaylee had fallen ill, but I placed a hand on her forehead anyway, finding the skin cool and dry. "What's wrong?" I repeated kindly, leaning against the wall. "Jayne hasn't been teasing you again, has he?"
For this I received a roll of the eyes which managed to be both painfully tender and wholly exasperated. "Not Jayne, then," I said quickly. "Is it--"
"Hear his confusion, his longing. He wants silk and colours, he wants the butterfly to bite back, tear him, love him. He can't love in return, he knows there is no feeling. Doesn't see in which direction the feelings point. But I do. I do and it hurts."
"River, what...who are you talking about?"
A blush, slight and transitory as if she had been pricked with a needle, burned her cheeks for a second and then faded. But I caught it. "His xin ai," she whispered, and lifted the sheet from where it pushed against her lips. "His Serenity."
I closed my eyes. "Please, mei-mei, don't...don't go looking for something that isn't there. This...someone, he's not--"
"Names don't matter," she cut in, "they're too bu liang..." But she'd caught herself, opened up something she perhaps hadn't wanted to. I felt the sheets pulled aside, a flash of movement past my body, and when I opened my eyes again she was gone.
Breakfast was a fairly subdued affair, what with Kaylee coughing into her protein cereal and River studiously avoiding my every attempt to meet her eyes. I liked to think I had infinite patience though, so I persevered; eventually she relented and flicked an irritated glance in my direction. But this was followed with a hint of a smile, so I knew I was forgiven.
Last night, when I was alone again, I had laid back and stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours, and considering the fuzziness that was taking more than a few cups of tea to escape my brain this morning, probably was. Trying to make sense of thoughts from a dulled and confused state--settling on no more helpful conclusions than the fact that my sister had seen something in Captain Reynolds' mind, and had taken it very, very close to heart.
I looked again and saw that the smile had returned; she sat, bowl pushed to the side, one knee drawn up to her chin, looking carefully at Mal with her dark head tilted like a silent question mark. As I watched, he noticed her staring and caught her eye over the rim of his mug. "Little one, you're understanding the course for today? On a bit of a tight schedule to drop this load off--window of opportunity bein' as it is on the lean side, I'm gonna want to be well off sight of Boros 'fore Alliance patrol get a sniff."
"Of course," she said quickly, as if it had been unnecessary for him to suggest she be anything other than his watcher, the second gun at his reach. "Feet won't touch the earth. She will go faster than the wind, if I ask. Ship knows me now, I won't let her break."
"I'm sure you won't, darlin'."
I noticed Zoe's gaze rest on River, watching, as I did, the press of my sister's lips as she kept her eyes pinned on Mal. I knew the last remark had brought Wash to her mind, though I believe he never was all that far, his memory tucked fiercely into that very private sphere from which Zoe's love rarely drifted. Perhaps in the same way it struck Mal too; his smile shifted from the coffee in his mug to River's hands as she twirled a fork absently between her fingers. I suspect he thought that keeping something forever from the threat of breakage was a foolish thing to swear to. Maybe it was better just to trust and be done.
At the far end of the table, Jayne grinned and winked roguishly at our general audience. "Think I'll stay a while after the deal's shook. Maybe head into Everton an' get me some tasty."
Mal blinked. "Am I speakin' Old Londinium or are you operating on time delay again?" He stared down at the mercenary, almost as if he was overcompensating for a powerful urge to do something else. Like laugh. As poor Kaylee was beside me, with considerably less success.
"Huh?"
I patted Kaylee on the back as Mal set his mug down and sighed.
"Quote of the day, Jayne, and feel free to write this down: Bu shi hou liu. Tight. Schedule."
"Tight?"
"Like the seat of my pants."
It was almost possible to see the wheels slowly rotating as this cryptic thought was processed into meaning. "Huh," Jayne muttered to himself. "Damn."
"Exactly." Mal stood up, speaking briskly. "So what's say we adhere to that principle and get going. Kaylee, am I goin' to be able to count on you to not fall into the engine, you feel anything other than a tickle in that throat of yours?"
She sniffed. "I'm perfectly in control of my faculties."
I glared stiffly at Mal, edged closer to Kaylee in indignant solidarity, which naturally he was only too happy to ignore. "That a yes?"
"Shi de, Cap'n."
"Shiny." Then finally he glanced down at my sister, who had throughout this exchange kelp her mouth shut but her eyes open, soaking up like a sponge the mixture of emotions that had played in circles underneath every spoken word. Zoe's silence, Jayne's confusion, Kaylee's loyalty, my annoyance. And rising above all of it, Mal Reynolds' unyielding resolve. Where River's belief at this moment stood might have been a hazy guess for anyone else, but for my part I saw it all too clearly.
Once I would have assumed unthinkingly that her belief was in me, but right now, seeing the half-smile on her lips, the way her eyes followed the captain across the room, and the dark lucidity with which they leant into his every movement, I realised last night she had not been speaking in half-truths.
"River," Mal said, turning to look over his shoulder, and without a word she glided off her chair and followed his booted steps on bare feet, across the room and out of the hatch. He hadn't needed to say anything more.
"She trusts. She follows without issue," I murmured, understanding, at which Kaylee frowned.
"Simon?"
"Nothing," I said quickly. I smiled at her, no effort in making that seem real. "Really. It's nothing."
She muffled a cough and took my arm. "You look upset, is all. Like you've seen a ghost."
"No," I said, holding on to the smile in the hope that it would convince us both. "Just a heart trying not to break."
Later that morning I found myself standing in the cargo hold beside the door controls with Kaylee, watching Mal, in his long boots and brown coat, and Jayne, with a gun strapped to each side, load a half-dozen large crates into the mule where Zoe tethered them down.
"Gorramn watch it!"
As usual, things were running smoothly.
"Did you not hear what I said? Move where I move. Step where I step."
"Then how's about you watch where you step, huh?"
"Boys." Zoe was waving her hands to get their attention. "A little less of the pointless bickering might be nice."
"Pointless my ass. He's the one who wanted these ruttin' things packed up so damn high..."
"Jayne! Shut up and work."
River had placed herself on one of these crates at the edge of the hold, legs tucked neatly underneath her. As they hefted the second to last into the already elevated transport, Mal turned back and without a word or reason gently pulled her down. She landed on the metal flooring with a hop and floated away, trailing her fingers out of his grasp. I saw a look of something sit momentarily in his gaze as he watched the back of her, before he was turning away and climbing into the mule next to Zoe.
"Okay, let's do this, people."
Aware suddenly that this leaving party of theirs still had an audience, he turned and looked at the three of us, River having since wandered around and planted herself neatly at my shoulder. When I glanced over her expression was blank, a hard mirror to Mal's own.
"Now I'm plannin' on being out and back within the hour," Mal said, raising his voice over the increasing roar coming from the mule's engine. "So don't go wandering off and getting yourselves into a great big pile of stupid."
We pretended to ignore this. "Have fun," Kaylee piped up helpfully as I pressed the controls and the door yawned open. Mal continued to look in our direction, his eyes drifting towards River before a waver of something not unlike confusion forced him to break away.
The mule rumbled unceremoniously out, leaving behind a noxious wake of fuel and dust. I left the doors open to savour the fresh air, despite that fact that the dull sky of Boros in the gap was looking more than a little unsettled.
"Rain," said River quietly, and I couldn't tell if it was a statement or a question. In any case she continued staring out, and her mouth opened as if to speak again, but she closed it and turned away.
"Don't go hiding, mei-mei," I began, but she shook her head, moving past Kaylee to the catwalk.
"My turn to watch," she offered over her shoulder. "Up high, small and safe in the crow's-nest. Responsibility's a heavy keel, Simon. I'm the anchor." Her eyes focused somewhere beyond me, out into the silent landscape, and it was unclear if they were shining with sadness or hope. "And I don't hide any more."
She disappeared up the steps. I rubbed a hand over my eyes, a wave of exhaustion settling lead-like in my stomach. Beside me Kaylee pulled supportively at my arm, smiling unflinchingly with those happy round eyes. "I know Cap'n said no wanderin', but if you want I can grab the deck chair and we can just...sit?"
I looked affectionately down at her. "You spoke in the singular. Who gets the chair?"
"Silly." She poked me in the ribcage. "We can share."
I sighed, looking back to the catwalk, thinking again of River. "All right."
Kaylee noticed my indecision. "She's okay, Simon. You've gotta cut her some slack." She hesitated at my side a moment longer, then turned away. "Back in a sec."
There was a rumble, low in the distance. A light breeze, warm and heavy, kicked at the dusty soil and pulled cloyingly at my hair. We had parked a few miles from the outer reaches of Everton, the nearest town. God knows where today's transaction was actually being made, but with that almost comically overblown load they had scuttled off with, I suspected it wasn't going to be in the main thoroughfare. Probably out somewhere in the hills. Mal hadn't actually said.
I hadn't actually asked, come to think of it. As usual, I was operating on a need-to-know basis, but I wasn't exactly helping my argument by not making some sort of effort myself.
Well, you know, he's probably told River...
River. It occurred to me that in all the time those two spent together in the cockpit, until River's vague confessional last night, of all the things she was constantly telling me--how Serenity was feeling, how she was feeling, what the stars told her, what Zoe, Jayne and Kaylee told her, both actual and in their thoughts--she had never spoken specifically of Mal, or what they did, or said, up there all alone. And to be honest, I had given it little thought until now. I think I had always assumed they just...flew.
Yes. Just like everyone assumed Wash would still be doing the flying. That Inara would never leave. That Book would still be here as our conscience and be lifting weights with Jayne.
"Don't assume," I said to the wind and the dust. "You'll just fall flat on your face."
"Here it is! I knew I'd hidden this thing somewhere. "
I turned to see Kaylee struggle towards the ramp, deck chair tucked precariously under one arm, basket dangling from the other. I quickly grabbed the chair--which was on closer inspection actually a sort of lounge--and set about untangling its metal struts.
"What's in the basket?"
"Lunch. Well, actually seeing as it's only mid-mornin' it's more like brunch...but it's food!" She laughed which started her coughing again. After a moment she added, as if I needed convincing, "It's all good. Really."
I frowned as the wind whipped at my shirt. "I'm not sure how long we should stay out here, Kaylee. I think the sky's about to fall at out feet."
"Oh, don't be such a worrywart. It's beautiful. Just sit would you?"
Worrywart? That's a new one. She had a point though, I supposed. With a small sigh I looked down at her as she swivelled the chair so it was sitting lengthways. Satisfied everything was where it should be, she placed herself on one end and patted the other.
"Sit."
I did so. She rummaged in the basket. "So. You want the protein bar...or the protein bar?"
This brought a grin to my face. "Do you know, I just can't make up my mind."
A gentle smile, and she pressed one of the foil wrapped shapes in my hand. "Will the variety never end?"
I looked away. "Everything ends," I said, softly. "At some point."
She gazed carefully at me, her round lips bent with a frown, though like her smile they remained gentle. Like Kaylee, everything always gentle, safe. I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of love for this girl, sitting there as the Boros sky murmured and crackled with electricity, ready to break and crash and hurt. Ready to shock us all. Where River was, I didn't know; where she was going I knew neither, and it punched me in the gut to think I was afraid of asking. And here was Kaylee, bringing me food, bringing me company. Sympathy she so desperately wanted to give, and I was taking none of it.
Something had to change. It was not about River. Or Mal. It was a feeling beyond that. Something in my heart had to let go, or I would never move again.
"I think River loves Captain Reynolds." I didn't know why I spoke, or how to stop the words as they left my mouth. All I felt for certain was that I no longer knew how to keep them away. "And I think I hate myself for it."
"Oh..."
"She came to me last night. I thought--this is my little sister, crawling into my bed, making me want to push her away but at the same time feeling so happy that she's not still crying into my pillow. 'Something's changed', she said. 'Something's changed'. And then how it hurt. How she hurt. I don't know...I don't know what she heard, what he said to her. I don't even know if he said anything--"
"Simon--"
"What could she have been thinking? He's nearly twice her age, and the only thing he truly shows any love for is this ship. That man has an zi lian...he's--he's gorramn held a candle for Inara close to six months now and she's not coming back, he knows it, but he's never going to let go. And River...if she believes in something that's not there, if she lays her heart bare for a promise that's as dead as the last man Mal shot, then it scares--" I pressed my hand against my eyes, not wanting to look at anything but the black. "It scares me it that will break her again."
For a long time Kaylee looked at me; I couldn't read her expression, I didn't know what I could read any more. Empathy had run clean out of my system, taking with it the lid that had until now bottled my frustrations.
"Simon," she said at last, and at this I laughed. It felt like my name had become a dying mantra, almost pathetically repetitive. "Do you really think that?"
"Thinking gets us all into so much trouble."
"Why?"
I frowned. "I don't follow..."
"Why should you brand everything like different points on a compass? Ain't it possible that somewhere in the middle things might just come right on their own?"
"Kaylee, I--like who? And can we just back track a moment here? You've yet to actually register surprise about the fact that my sister's in love with...with a man who not only has about as much feeling in him as that brown coat he wears, but barely a year ago, would happily have dumped the pair of us on the nearest moon."
Her lips tightened, the sympathetic look wavering slightly. "I'll just pretend you didn't say half of that. But, look, Simon, I'm surprised, yeah. But it don't make me angry. It makes me hope."
"Hope?"
"That there's a chance for some folks out there to find something, and pull it in, make it theirs. And you wanna know why I believe in that?"
I nodded. She took my hand, grasped it firmly, and her eyes were shining.
"It's what we're sitting on now. It's Serenity."
A drop of rain fell onto my shirt. Then another, warm and clean. I looked up at the grey mass, looked into the dark clouds and the swirling air, and I shook my head. "That's what River said."
And then the rain really fell. A great angry rush, as if the sky itself was weeping.
I think it was the weather that started it all. I don't remember clearly what happened after we scrambled up all our things and went back in, except that it was all very fast. I was closing the up the hold and Kaylee was stowing the deck chair away, when there was an almighty thud, making the pair of us jump and our boots rattle on the floor.
"Thunder?" Kaylee stared ay me.
"It didn't feel like thunder." The door sealed, I stepped away from the controls, when it came again.
Only this time, it was worse. Much worse.
One minute my hand was hovering over the panel, the next I found myself eye to eye with the hard metal grating. The whole ship shuddered, and my brain executed a series of g-force landings that brought stars to my eyes.
"Simon!" Kaylee's booted feet appeared in my peripheral vision, followed by her face, twisted with worry. She was coughing, a hoarse rasping cough. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." I struggled to a sitting position then stood up carefully. Already the pain in my head was fading. "What was that?"
"I don't know. It felt...electric. Like some sort of pulse went right through the ship."
I stared at my hand, breathing deeply. "I was almost touching..."
"But you weren't."
"No, I--"
River. "Oh, dear god."
"Quick," said Kaylee. But I was already running.
She had fallen to the ground, a delicate crumpled tangle of limbs and hair beside the pilot's seat. I skidded to a stop and knelt frantically at her side. "River, River..." My words were locked on repeat, slurred with panic.
Kaylee, awake to the practicalities, examined the navigation panel and frowned. "It must have been a surge through the grid, but I can't see any damage. Whatever it was, it came and went too fast for her to react."
"She's unconscious--she's...god, she's breathing. River, it's okay, I've got you..."
I lifted her, ignoring the aftershocks of dizziness, and moved to carry her out of the cockpit when above our heads the comm buzzed.
It was Mal. "Kaylee, 'fraid we've caught a slight hiccup in our midst here. It would be appreciated if you were to get those doors open, pronto. River, I want her ready to jump soon as we're on."
"They don't know," I said, desperately. "There could be another one of those...things. We need to fly. Now."
"I'm on it..."
"Hold on." I held on to River, close and breathing in the scent of her, afraid I would forget it was ever there. "Hold on."
Down in the infirmary, rows of instruments lined up on the bench began rattling with the noise and movement as the ship fought to escape Boros' atmosphere, but as I stood there alone with River, I barely noticed them. I had given her oxygen, watched her until she seemed stable, until her vital signs settled. For my part, my heart was a frantic pulse hard in my chest but I ignored it, just like I ignored the dizziness, and the hard and angry pull of the ship.
None of it meant anything any more. My world was in this room, fused to this small space of bright, white light, painful and silent.
"Shi yu," I whispered. "Qi shi yu, mei-mei."
"River..."
He stood at the doorway, unmoving, staring past my gaze at my sister, and if he had not just that second spoken aloud I might have doubted he had a single breath in his own lungs. There was blood high on his cheekbone and a ragged stain on his forearm.
"Is--" His voice was hoarse, and I wondered what fights he had ploughed through to get back to us. "Is she..?"
"She's stable. Breathing is steady," I offered tersely. "But she's unconscious."
At last Mal moved forward. "I, uh, we we're followed. Into Napei Valley. They said--we were gonna feel it, if we didn't give them the load. Jayne took three of 'em, Zoe shook us some distance, but we were too heavy. Dumped the cargo. 'Gonna feel what?', I asked. Didn't believe them. Thought they was small trade...an' I didn't believe them."
"Well, you should have. They did something. Two shocks, just before you called. Kaylee and I were in the hold, but River..."
"Doin' what I asked," he said softly, ignoring my words, "wouldn't do it any other way. She said, 'Feet won't touch the earth'." For a long moment he stood very still, then suddenly he took her wrist, knelt down and held her small hand between his own. As I watched his gaze broke, softened and released into an expression I had never seen before. "Her words..." But it was fleeting, disappeared, replaced by the tough, hard Mal that had stared with confusion at River back in the cargo hold. He stood up, looked away. "I'd...I can't stay here. Left Zoe at the helm. We've still gotta get out of this system, 'fore any of us can breathe easy again."
"That's a lie."
Hard eyes blazed into mine. He turned shoulder, exhaled sharply and headed for the door. "You can feel free to elaborate on that any time in the next day or so, Doc, but right now I've gotta keep us runnin', and I can't be doin' that here."
"Ni sha gua dan, damn you, Mal, it's River who does that," I said sharply. "And here's the thing you don't seem to understand--you're the one who keeps her running. Because for some reason--and I don't know how it came, or why, or when--but it's there, like...tong de gu du xin di, like there's a wounded space deep inside of her that needs something, someone to hold it so it can heal. My sister looks at you like she's never looked on anyone before, and it's because--" I took a deep breath, placed a hand down on River's forehead and brushed a damp strand of hair off her cheek. "It's because I can only do so much. You're it, Mal. It's your turn."
He gazed at me, stood upright and resolute at the doorway for what seemed like an eternity. His eyes were dark, blurred suddenly with what in any other man might have been tears, but my confusion and anger had left me so wrapped in uncertainty, that I found I could no longer tell.
At last he spoke. "I understand. I understand more than you know."
With a jerk he pulled the door open, stepped out, and as he did I realised we had both at that moment understood the truth, that angst really does split love into jealousy and longing. And that River was right. It hurt like hell.
It was close to midnight when she woke. I was in the process of hunting around for a painkiller for myself to relieve the headache that was thumping away quietly but insistently, when her eyes opened.
"Fell down," she whispered. "Fell down but didn't break."
I smiled, relieved beyond measure, and smoothed a hand over her forehead.
"No. You didn't."
I kept her in the infirmary for longer than was necessary. It gave me the excuse to watch over her. I don't know what I was worried about; she seemed even stronger than I as she lay there asleep. Maybe it was a case of emotional avoidance, though from which quarter I honestly didn't know. Had River been not so inclined to fall asleep right then she might well have read my mind, and I wasn't sure if I had the excuses just yet. In any case, Mal didn't return. Zoe and Jayne both came at various times to look in, but his name wasn't mentioned, and I didn't bother to ask.
That is, until I was joined by Kaylee, who arrived last and revealed that he had taken to the bridge shortly after leaving me, and hadn't emerged since.
"What did you say to him?" she asked curiously, looking down at the sleeping River and gently stroking the long stream of black hair as it fanned across the pillow.
I shrugged. I didn't want to talk about Mal any more. What I'd said was the truth, it had torn me up inside to do so, and I was tired, so tired, that all I wanted at that moment was focus my energy on my sister.
Kaylee shook her head sadly. "Well, whatever it was, I think you made your point."
"I suppose you can guess." I smiled ruefully.
"Yeah," she said. "Suppose I can."
"I watched him, you know. And there was a moment, just a moment, Kaylee, when he looked at her and all I could see in his eyes was love. But it closed up so fast, like it scared him. Like it was too much to bear."
"It funny," she said, after a pause, "before, you couldn't stop thinkin' on River, how all this was gonna affect her. And now you seem more worried 'bout the cap'n's feelings."
I bit back a short laugh. "Yes. The irony."
We fell silent. Kaylee rubbed my back lightly, then in time pressed a kiss at the nape of my neck. "Simon. There's still some dinner left upstairs."
"That's all right, I'm not that hungry."
"No, I mean it." She peered sternly at me then muffled a cough, which slightly lessened the severity. "Or at least go make yourself a drink. It's okay. I'll stay here."
I sighed, wiped a tired palm over my eyes. My skin felt like sandpaper. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure. Go."
I hesitated, made to say something further but she was already pushing me gently out the door, and eventually I gave in and left.
The galley was quiet. I noticed a covered plate on the end of the table and found it to be still warm, but I decided my stomach wasn't quite up to reconstituted protein, so I left it and instead pulled out a mug from the cupboard. I leaned against the bench, waiting for the tea to draw.
On my way up I had glanced down the corridor and considered stopping by the bridge. But I realised there wasn't anything else I could say to Mal, at least not tonight. Now River had regained consciousness the only relationship I was interested in was hers alone. But standing there in the quiet, I realised how rightly that implied what I had been arguing against all this time; that there'd be a day when I would accept my sister's attraction to a man I had up until that moment considered too unlawful, too emotionally empty, too old and too damaged himself, to be worthy of her.
"Well, that's a first," I said aloud.
It was all getting to be too much for my tired brain to process. I picked up the tea, breathed in the fragrant steam, and walked out, leaving the room in darkness.
Looking back, I don't know if it was that moment by myself in the galley that triggered the change, or what I witnessed shortly after. Perhaps I should have seen it coming, but it is a hard thing to remember why certain things truly move us, to recall in detail without bias, without prejudice. Accepting the choices my sister had made throughout her life was something I had come to believe in as a process, an emotional gap sitting forever outside of my influence.
But that did not make them easy. If they were we'd be living a fairytale, and I had long since stopped believing in those.
"Kaylee?"
I found her perched at the top of the stairs leading down to the infirmary. At the sound of my footsteps she turned and put a hand out to stop me proceeding.
"Simon, uh, you'd better not..."
"What do you mean?"
She looked up at me, genuine feeling in her eyes. "Cap'n came back."
At once I edged past, ignoring her hand on my arm. Near the bottom I was able to see in, and there I stopped.
River was not only awake again, but completely out of bed; she had nestled herself in a sitting position on one of the benches that rimmed the far side of the room, one leg pulled neatly up beneath her, the other dangling gracefully over the edge. Her arms were at hard angles against her thighs, fingers pressing firmly against the bench top. There was a tense feeling to her pose, which I might have taken for irritation or indifference, had I not then seen her eyes.
She was gazing across the room, and they were dark, so intensely dark, that whoever was in their focus must have surely found it impossible to look away.
As Mal stepped into view, I realised how right I was.
Neither of them spoke, and the one look they shared was held fixed as if they had run so far but could not move that final distance. He stopped a few steps away, his eyes focused entirely on her, washed with a strange mix of anxiety and remorse, and beneath it all, raw and fragile, that admission of feeling he must have fought so hard to deny. It was an awakening to a deep and absolute attraction, a sensation so vivid in the air between them, that these words unspoken might have alone broken the silence.
Perhaps this was all they needed.
I should have turned away but I simply couldn't move. I should have listened to Kaylee, but this was River, and for River I felt so much, would always lose just a little part with every tear she shed or lie she suffered. I won't lie and say at this moment that did not happen, because it did, because she is my sister, but as I watched I felt the hurt start to dissolve, just a bit. Enough not to forget.
She spoke, a silent plea and suddenly he was there, leaning against the bench, close in beside her. She gently, hesitantly touched his shoulders with both hands, let them sit on the indigo shirt, fingers pressing fleetingly at his collarbone, studying here a fraying buttonhole, here a splattering of blood, here a tiny scar at his throat. And all the time her eyes were upon him, a brilliant stare, delicately and darkly afire.
His lips moved. He shook his head, tensed as if to step back but she checked him, cupped pale hands to his face, spoke again, urgent and low. It worked. Mal dropped his head and River touched her lips to his brow, over and over, on his eyelids and cheek and then he lifted his head back, breathed one word against her parted mouth, and in a moment flashed past hesitation when neither of them could think any more, they kissed and kissed again, slowly, urgently and wholly desperate.
Kaylee moved quietly in behind me, murmured quickly at my shoulder. "Simon..." She did not look at River, or Mal, only at me, and as she spoke she wrapped her hand into mine. "Let 'em be."
I let the breath go that I had not until that moment realised I was holding. "I might have to."
Through the glass, in the soft and vacant light, Mal stood and held my sister, his arms wrapped tightly around her small body, and River, hair falling softly over her face, closed her eyes against his chest, still and silent as if understanding had come to them both at last.
There is quiet all around us. No one breathes because we don't dare.
Please, I think. Ting zhi jie shu. Qi, ting zhi jie shu.
There is silence and terror behind those doors--I can feel it, past the numbness in my chest, past the ringing in my ears, there is silence and it screams and I can feel it like a heavy weight through me and upon me.
The last I saw of her was a pale, bloodied face, drawn white with horror and desperation, drawn tight with courage. Her arms pulled and clawed at by dozens of animalistic, salivating hands and teeth, and all the time she was looking back at us, at me.
But now the doors are closed, and silent. And I don't know what to think any more.
Behind us the lift jerks into motion, hauling itself down on ancient mechanics, and out of its yawning mouth steps Mal. He looks like hell, but he is alive.
One word comes from his cut and bruised lips. One word, laced with all the anguish and cursed pride of a man who has seen too much of the dark and wants only one hope to prevail, to live again.
River...
As he speaks the great doors rumble apart, spilling light into our greasy, dark hold. Light, too bright upon our eyes but none of us can look away.
She stands, fragile and bent into an awkward pose of destruction. It is a painful sight, a wonderful sight. It is a thing of beauty.
When I stare, it is at my sister. But Mal is staring at River, and he is locked into the eyes of a dream where nothing but the true beyond will move him again.
I spent a half hour in the galley. It was late, and I should have been trying to get some sleep myself, but my brain was overloaded with thought. Most of which I poured out to Kaylee as she stood quietly and made a fresh pot of tea for the both of us.
She told me how she believed I would come to accept River's choice, that acceptance was the hardest part to break. I didn't say how deeply I already knew this, but I thanked her anyway, because this was Kaylee, and I loved her.
I stood up, apologised, said I needed to go back. She nodded, knowing the reasons why but never speaking them.
"Come back after, 'kay?"
With a smile I leant over, touched her on the cheek. "I will."
The lights were still on in the infirmary but I found River alone. She was back on the bed, staring vacantly up at the ceiling. When she saw me at the door she smiled slightly, held a hand out.
I stepped in, stopped close by her side. The blue light illuminated the darkness of her hair, making her skin look paler than ever. But there was a hint of colour in her cheeks, and her wrist when I held it to feel the pulse felt cool to the touch. I stood there, silence hanging in the space between us, and I opened my mouth to speak, the words trying to find purchase, find acceptance and reason. It was the worry I no longer wanted to feel, the uncertainty I needed to tell.
"Ragged soul," she said softly, seeing at once the look in my eyes. "Up too late to wander and cry. You'll be sorry in the morning."
I laughed, a choked gush of relief.
"Oh, mei-mei..."
But she spoke no further. After a moment she smoothed a hand to rest under her cheek, smiled into the pillow and looked away with a gallant tranquillity, as if I had done no more than stir her gently from a dream.
end
Translations:
Xin ai -- beloved. Mei-mei -- little sister. Yun qi -- luck. Geng de xin -- change of heart. Nei xin -- innermost being. Bu liang -- harmful. Bu shi hou liu -- no time to linger. Shi de -- yes. An zi lian -- secretly long for. Shi yu -- be better/recover. Ni sha gua dan -- you fool. Tong de gu du xin di -- the ache of a lonely heart. Qi ting zhi jie shu -- please let it end.