Males vs Females

[malorion]

Someone posted this elsewhere recently and I decided to post a response about how the list doesn't apply to me and my lovely wife. Their post form didn't allow a message that long so I thought I might inflict it on you gentle folk instead. Feel free to ignore but I thought some might find some parts amusing :)


(The italic bits are mine)

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: I've suffered from depression, my wife hasn't or at least not to my extent.

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put. My wife's did but then that's a security issue because of her job. All the bills are in my name.
  
• The garage is all yours. Actually, I park my bike in it but most of the rest is hers.
  
• Wedding plans take care of themselves. That was a joint effort. I wasn't allowed to sit back and do nothing :)
  
• Chocolate is just another snack. Are you kidding? She binges on chocolate every now and then. I can't survive without it!
  
• You can be President. Not here I can't. Not yet, at least and I doubt it'll be limited to males.
  
• You can never be pregnant. Yeah, but I don't want to be. She does.
  
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Err... I sometimes wear the old white t-shirt that my wife used to swim in. Never bothered her.
  
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Believe me, I'm sure you'd rather she wore no shirt than me. She's much better to look at!
  
• Car mechanics tell you the truth. Pfff! When's the last time you spoke to a mechanic and got a straight answer?
  
• The world is your urinal. Good point, not that I tend to take advantage of that.
  
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. Yes and no. She just won't use a public toilet at all.
  
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Neither of us do
  
• Same work, more pay. Ok, so how come she's got a better job than me and gets paid more?
  
• Wrinkles add character. And just how do I stop her from reminding me that I'm older and got more wrinkles?
  
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$ 100. Customer made gothic style(-ish) wedding dress $1200. Black custom made Priest Coat (think Neo's coat in the Matrix and you're pretty close - it was a very different wedding :) ) $400
  
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. She's got a stare-at-able chest. And people do stare at mine, probably coz I'm that bit taller than average.
  
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. She's been taught by the best: her brother.
  
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. When's the last time you bought a new pair of leather work shoes? I hate the darn things! She's used to army boots and doesn't complain.
  
• One mood all the time. ! Ha! She calls me grumpy! Maybe I'm just grumpy all the time?
  
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. I wish! We're as bad as each other. Can I send you my phone bill??
  
• You know stuff about tanks. She knows stuff about Black Hawks! (That she's not allowed to repeat.)
  
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. Exact opposite for us. The army taught her well. I like to be prepared for any weather.
  
• You can open all your own jars. Ya got me. I open hers too.
  
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. True, that. Good for avoiding a night in the doghouse :) (I'm kidding - I do them because I like to see her happy)
  
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. I moved down from Sydney to be with her, none of my friends expect me to fly back up for one event so they don't invite me anyway.
  
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. And boy does that make her mad!
  
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. She's only slightly ahead of me there and I've only got three pairs.
  
• You almost never have strap problems in public. About the same. The elastic in my undies seems to go about as often as she has to make any major adjustments. But people aren't surprised at seeing a female adjusting her top. Seeing a guy shove his hand down his pants and pull something up is a little more of a shock.
  
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. I iron my work shirts. She says she did enough in the army.
  
• Everything on your face stays its original color. My eyes change from hour to hour. She hardly ever wears makeup.
  
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. And don't I hear about it :(
  
• You only have to shave your face and neck. Yeah, but I have to shave mine every day. She can get away with once a month or so in a relaxing bath. I know which I'd rather.
  
• You can play with toys all your life. Ah but I have justification: I'm studying to be a games programmer - I'll be able to write my toys off on tax! :P
  
• Your belly usually hides your big hips. I'm a bean pole. That statement used to hold true for her but she's on her way back down to her old army weight (a little over my current one) and I'm so proud of her for it! (A little over half way and still going :)
  
• One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. Admittedly she's got 10 handbags at the moment but it's a bulk lot she bought off eBay and she's re-selling 9 of them.
  
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You haven't seen my knees!
  
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. Only coz my Leatherman has scissors strong enough to cut them. I can do up case screws with mine!
  
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. And we are both pleased that that's a decision she doesn't have to make!
  
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. Hell no! She had been adamant about not buying presents until she met me. I'm not great on them either but I like seeing people happy with presents we've picked for them.
  

A brief explanation: My wife spent 7 years in the army, the first 3 as a carpentry apprentice. So when powertools are given as presents, she's the recipient, not me. I bought the air compressor, but the lathe, drop saw, drill etc are all hers :)