(no subject)
Well, Dustin is leaving for Shevport tomorrow. I don't know when I'll see him again. Soon I'll be gone as well and I'll have no close friends. No friends like Kelly and Dustin. It'll be harder to make new friends this time. I don't really care about much anymore. I'm tired of giving affection to people only to be disrespected or just plain ignored. Then I think back about all the time and money I've spent. It seems like such a waste. I don't really have anything to show for it. All of those people I tried so hard to get closer too are now just farther away. Now I have just coldness. The inability to fall in love. Unable to care like I used to. I don't act as playful as I used to. Am I depressed? No. I don't really feel much about it. Maybe just annoyance. Sometimes I wish I could just forget. Forget all the times people have disrespected me. But while I talked to them it always crosses my mind. Reminding myself what they're capable of. And it keeps me from caring too much. The constant repeating of the words they said to me. And even though things are perfectly fine, I still remind myself. And I'm sure they've forgotten about it a long time ago. I can even remember back when I was probably 10 or so and my sister telling me that I made everyone upset or angry. Stupid simple minded bitch. I bet she has no memory of that. But I do. And I always will. I enjoy watching her waste away her life. She care so much about me, but yet I feel nearly nothing for her. And she doesn't even know it. I know they'll all forget and I'll be the only one who remembers. I'm tired of being nice. I'm tired of being polite. I'm tired of being generous. Because I know they'll forget that too. They'll forget all the nice things I've done for them. All the times I've went out of my way to try to make them happy. And I don't ask for much in return. I don't need material things. I don't need all or alot of attention. All I wanted was respect. It's not that hard. But it'll never be like that because they'll never realize. Their actions never keep crossing their minds like mine do. But I can't say all of them don't care. There are those who do show respect. I will continue being generous and nice to those who respect me. The thing is that I can be the most caring and understanding person. I can be the most devoted friend. And all it takes it alittle thought. Alittle kindness. Alittle respect. Not forgetting me like I never existed. Not attacking me when you're in a bad mood or I say the wrong thing. I don't see how those things are so hard. I've been able to do them for a long time. So have other people. What I hate the most is one day treating me like I'm some asshole for no reason, then the next day I'm your best friend and you act like nothing ever happened.