boredom
Everything around me is so depressing and emotional lately. My cat died this weekend, a friend of ty's who i used to hang out with killed himself earlier this week, jackie disappeared for a while, then there's the whole Nino thing. My brothers in jail and i havent seen him in two weeks and when i went to visit him yesterday they wouldnt let me see him because im not eighteen. Jess is left here pregnant and alone. she's part of the family, though and she knows that, but i know its killing her that tonys not here, even if it is his own damn fault.
Have you ever heard a song that just makes you feel?
maybe not anything in particular, you just get an unnamed emotion when you hear it? i've never - or at least can't remember having ever - felt that way for a song. where it just really moves you, but this one does. i dont know what it is. theres just so much feeling coming out in this song that it just hits me in the gut when i hear it. i mean, sure there's been songs i've liked a lot, and associated with different people and events, but this is just different. i can't really explain it. it just makes me feel....(like more)
Nothing i do with Chino seems to be right. He brought a girl over last night. To MY house, granted he did ask me first, but still he told me he's getting an apartment with her and that they've had sex. i dont want to hear that shit. then he had the nerve to ask me not to be all touchy in front of her, adding only "i'll still kiss you and stuff, but in another room." Fuck That. so i pretty much avoided them all night and mean-mugged them both of them, i hope he noticed, which i dont think he did. i was just so depressed and upset when i went to bed, that i just wanted to sleep and he came down and asked me like once if i was ok, gave me a line - to wake me up and get me horny - then we had sex, and i still tried to be upset with him, but i couldnt. do you know how much that blows? and what sucks the most is that she's actually pretty cool and she knew jess and amanda and deanna, so they were all laughy and chummy and no one cared that we were all supposed to hate her. and chino was all next to her all night, and i know she still digs him. they're probably still fucking. ugh, it makes me sick. all night i just kept picturing it, and everyone knows thats no good. i knows he not mine, but hes the closest thing i have to a boy right now - we've been "seeing each other" for close to six months and we're not even dating. the shit sucks, man.
And what sucks the most about it is im not even me when i'm with him, because i like him so much. with all the other boys, i am me, and if they dont like it fuck them. im a bitch, and i make them MY bitches, and it works, every time. i dont know how, but they all go for it, and still want to be with me. they tell me how much they like me and how cool i am and all that, and it doesnt even matter. because deep down i dont want to hear it from them, i want to hear it from Chino. When i'm with him, im not my usual bitchy, "awesome" self, im HIS bitch, and thats not like me, and i swore i would never do that again, after ty, and i bitch at all my friends when they do it, but here i am doing it anyway. there's not a lot i wont - and haven't - done for that kid, and its like he doesnt even appreciate it. most of the time i just get the feeling the only reason he hangs around is to fuck me and get blow from my dad. and i hate that feeling more than just about anything in the world right now. and i hate myself because i let him do it to me, because i let my stupid fucking emotions get in the way. the other day he got all pissed at me because i was being "too sweet" i swear to god thats what he said. he said he wasnt used to it, so it was getting annoying or some bullshit. im not that way with anyone unless im trying to get something out of it, and with him all i want is for him to return my feelings and do sweet stuff for me, too.
And it is my fault, because before we even talked, he noticed me and i had no idea who he was. I was the one who came up to HIM and started talking, and gave HIM my number, and had HIM calling me and tried to fit him into my schedule, and even while we were fucking, in the begining, i still wanted to be with the other guy i was seeing. and now look whats happened. and he knows what he can do to me and he does it and i hate it. i hate that i let myself be this person when im around him. and i hate that when stupid fucking sara was here he would jump up to get her anything he needed. he NEVER does that shit for me, and never did. he's so fucking lazy when hes here i have to do EVERYTHING for him and once out of every ten times maybe i'll get a half-hearted thank you. AND he was looking at his phone today and his like last five missed calls were from her. and i was looking at it while he was on the computer, and thursday or whenever he was too busy to call me and wouldnt answer my calls, he called like ten different chicks that night. AND me and ty went out for coffee at miraz friday, right after we both found out about his friend, and chino shows up, and sits at a different table, so ty left and i went by chino and we barely talked and i asked if he wanted me to leave and hes like, no you're fine, but i have a friend coming out and when she gets here you might have to move, and i was like to a different table? and he said yeah. fuck that, so i told him i would just leave and he asked how i was getting home so i told him i was gonna walk and he told me not to. well i sure as hell aint gonna fuckin sit here by myself all night while you sit a table away with some chick you wanted to hang out with at two o clock in the morning - when you were supposed to call me - cause you asked me to leave you two alone. what the fuck am i doing? why do i let myself be such a fuckin idiot and why do i let him hurt me over and over like this? oh right, cause im a fuckin dumbass. and i dont want to use the l word, i really dont, i dont even want to contemplate it, but im afraid im going to have to, soon. but goddammit, i dont want to.
and i hate that i made this whole journal entry about him, because i fully intended on maybe only giving him a couple sentences, and i hate that he's all i can think about and i hate that i'll probably never be anything more to him than a pussy. and i hate how im feeling right now typing all this out so i'm gonna stop and try and get some sleep. oh, right, and he's waking me up in the morning to get laid before he goes to work. i hate what i've become with him.
Have you ever heard a song that just makes you feel?
maybe not anything in particular, you just get an unnamed emotion when you hear it? i've never - or at least can't remember having ever - felt that way for a song. where it just really moves you, but this one does. i dont know what it is. theres just so much feeling coming out in this song that it just hits me in the gut when i hear it. i mean, sure there's been songs i've liked a lot, and associated with different people and events, but this is just different. i can't really explain it. it just makes me feel....(like more)
Nothing i do with Chino seems to be right. He brought a girl over last night. To MY house, granted he did ask me first, but still he told me he's getting an apartment with her and that they've had sex. i dont want to hear that shit. then he had the nerve to ask me not to be all touchy in front of her, adding only "i'll still kiss you and stuff, but in another room." Fuck That. so i pretty much avoided them all night and mean-mugged them both of them, i hope he noticed, which i dont think he did. i was just so depressed and upset when i went to bed, that i just wanted to sleep and he came down and asked me like once if i was ok, gave me a line - to wake me up and get me horny - then we had sex, and i still tried to be upset with him, but i couldnt. do you know how much that blows? and what sucks the most is that she's actually pretty cool and she knew jess and amanda and deanna, so they were all laughy and chummy and no one cared that we were all supposed to hate her. and chino was all next to her all night, and i know she still digs him. they're probably still fucking. ugh, it makes me sick. all night i just kept picturing it, and everyone knows thats no good. i knows he not mine, but hes the closest thing i have to a boy right now - we've been "seeing each other" for close to six months and we're not even dating. the shit sucks, man.
And what sucks the most about it is im not even me when i'm with him, because i like him so much. with all the other boys, i am me, and if they dont like it fuck them. im a bitch, and i make them MY bitches, and it works, every time. i dont know how, but they all go for it, and still want to be with me. they tell me how much they like me and how cool i am and all that, and it doesnt even matter. because deep down i dont want to hear it from them, i want to hear it from Chino. When i'm with him, im not my usual bitchy, "awesome" self, im HIS bitch, and thats not like me, and i swore i would never do that again, after ty, and i bitch at all my friends when they do it, but here i am doing it anyway. there's not a lot i wont - and haven't - done for that kid, and its like he doesnt even appreciate it. most of the time i just get the feeling the only reason he hangs around is to fuck me and get blow from my dad. and i hate that feeling more than just about anything in the world right now. and i hate myself because i let him do it to me, because i let my stupid fucking emotions get in the way. the other day he got all pissed at me because i was being "too sweet" i swear to god thats what he said. he said he wasnt used to it, so it was getting annoying or some bullshit. im not that way with anyone unless im trying to get something out of it, and with him all i want is for him to return my feelings and do sweet stuff for me, too.
And it is my fault, because before we even talked, he noticed me and i had no idea who he was. I was the one who came up to HIM and started talking, and gave HIM my number, and had HIM calling me and tried to fit him into my schedule, and even while we were fucking, in the begining, i still wanted to be with the other guy i was seeing. and now look whats happened. and he knows what he can do to me and he does it and i hate it. i hate that i let myself be this person when im around him. and i hate that when stupid fucking sara was here he would jump up to get her anything he needed. he NEVER does that shit for me, and never did. he's so fucking lazy when hes here i have to do EVERYTHING for him and once out of every ten times maybe i'll get a half-hearted thank you. AND he was looking at his phone today and his like last five missed calls were from her. and i was looking at it while he was on the computer, and thursday or whenever he was too busy to call me and wouldnt answer my calls, he called like ten different chicks that night. AND me and ty went out for coffee at miraz friday, right after we both found out about his friend, and chino shows up, and sits at a different table, so ty left and i went by chino and we barely talked and i asked if he wanted me to leave and hes like, no you're fine, but i have a friend coming out and when she gets here you might have to move, and i was like to a different table? and he said yeah. fuck that, so i told him i would just leave and he asked how i was getting home so i told him i was gonna walk and he told me not to. well i sure as hell aint gonna fuckin sit here by myself all night while you sit a table away with some chick you wanted to hang out with at two o clock in the morning - when you were supposed to call me - cause you asked me to leave you two alone. what the fuck am i doing? why do i let myself be such a fuckin idiot and why do i let him hurt me over and over like this? oh right, cause im a fuckin dumbass. and i dont want to use the l word, i really dont, i dont even want to contemplate it, but im afraid im going to have to, soon. but goddammit, i dont want to.
and i hate that i made this whole journal entry about him, because i fully intended on maybe only giving him a couple sentences, and i hate that he's all i can think about and i hate that i'll probably never be anything more to him than a pussy. and i hate how im feeling right now typing all this out so i'm gonna stop and try and get some sleep. oh, right, and he's waking me up in the morning to get laid before he goes to work. i hate what i've become with him.