Hooray for drunken fathers and broken children
Wanna hear something cute?
during the summer my dad started drinking and he became very verbally abusive. eventually, i couldn't handle it and went to the police station. they called DSS and i got put into foster care for almost 3 months until he straightened out.
Tonight he randomly disappeared for hours and came back with that stupid ass drunk look on his face. his eyes were glazed, face reddish, saying stupid shit that really means nothing. he tried to say that he's just been smoking pot. bullshit. i'm not a fucking idiot. i've lived with him for my whole life. i know the difference between his stoned face and his stupid ass drunk face.
so i said something to him. yeah, rude things were said. but i don't care. i think my problem is that i don't regret things. but i dont really consider it a problem. i'm referring to it as a problem because other people see it as so. and yeah, my dad often falls victem to that. but, i honestly don't care. and i don't feel the need to change that. i lost a lot of respect for my dad throughout the years and it's because of situations like this. and it's not like this has happened once. he has gone into detox a grand total of almost 50 times throughout my lifetime along. that's not an estimation, thats on his record. i have been taken away from my dad for this SAME reason 3 fucking times. the first time when i was an infant, the second when i was going into 3rd grade, and the 3rd just a few months ago. so yeah, i'm pretty pissed. i told him that i know that he's drinking and he can't deny it. and if he continues he's not going to have a relationship with me at all after high school. and i'd end this little fucked up thing we have that's supposed to be a father/daughter relationship sooner if it weren't for high school. and you probably don't understand.
call me a bitch. call me an angsty teenager. call me whatever you want. the fact is that you haven't had to deal with this the same way or the same amount of times as me. and the few people my age who know remotely what i'm talking about have only been taken away from their family once. it's TOTALLY different to go through it 3 times in 10 years and then have it continue. and that's not including all the times when he got drunk and abusive and DSS wasn't involved. you don't know what it's like to deal with it once, have it resolved, promises that your dream of being a normal kid with a good family made... then broken repeatedly. again and again and again. i can't count how many times i woke up christmas morning excited only to have my mood completely turn around because my dad came stumbling out of bed hung over and presented us with donated presents because he would rather spend his money on alcohol then on his kids. you don't know what it's like. you don't know what it's like to go to bed hungry wanting to cry out to someone but the only person that has ever been there for you is dead. and all you want to do is cry out for your mother but she's in jail because of drug abuse. and all of this is going through your young mind while your father screams at your older brother to get his keys and his wallet so he can stumble his way to the car and drive to the liquor store. you don't know. so don't say i'm holding an unneccessary grudge... because all of you have at least one parent you could've fallen back on. i had no one.
and now i have to deal with this again?
i can't do this anymore.
during the summer my dad started drinking and he became very verbally abusive. eventually, i couldn't handle it and went to the police station. they called DSS and i got put into foster care for almost 3 months until he straightened out.
Tonight he randomly disappeared for hours and came back with that stupid ass drunk look on his face. his eyes were glazed, face reddish, saying stupid shit that really means nothing. he tried to say that he's just been smoking pot. bullshit. i'm not a fucking idiot. i've lived with him for my whole life. i know the difference between his stoned face and his stupid ass drunk face.
so i said something to him. yeah, rude things were said. but i don't care. i think my problem is that i don't regret things. but i dont really consider it a problem. i'm referring to it as a problem because other people see it as so. and yeah, my dad often falls victem to that. but, i honestly don't care. and i don't feel the need to change that. i lost a lot of respect for my dad throughout the years and it's because of situations like this. and it's not like this has happened once. he has gone into detox a grand total of almost 50 times throughout my lifetime along. that's not an estimation, thats on his record. i have been taken away from my dad for this SAME reason 3 fucking times. the first time when i was an infant, the second when i was going into 3rd grade, and the 3rd just a few months ago. so yeah, i'm pretty pissed. i told him that i know that he's drinking and he can't deny it. and if he continues he's not going to have a relationship with me at all after high school. and i'd end this little fucked up thing we have that's supposed to be a father/daughter relationship sooner if it weren't for high school. and you probably don't understand.
call me a bitch. call me an angsty teenager. call me whatever you want. the fact is that you haven't had to deal with this the same way or the same amount of times as me. and the few people my age who know remotely what i'm talking about have only been taken away from their family once. it's TOTALLY different to go through it 3 times in 10 years and then have it continue. and that's not including all the times when he got drunk and abusive and DSS wasn't involved. you don't know what it's like to deal with it once, have it resolved, promises that your dream of being a normal kid with a good family made... then broken repeatedly. again and again and again. i can't count how many times i woke up christmas morning excited only to have my mood completely turn around because my dad came stumbling out of bed hung over and presented us with donated presents because he would rather spend his money on alcohol then on his kids. you don't know what it's like. you don't know what it's like to go to bed hungry wanting to cry out to someone but the only person that has ever been there for you is dead. and all you want to do is cry out for your mother but she's in jail because of drug abuse. and all of this is going through your young mind while your father screams at your older brother to get his keys and his wallet so he can stumble his way to the car and drive to the liquor store. you don't know. so don't say i'm holding an unneccessary grudge... because all of you have at least one parent you could've fallen back on. i had no one.
and now i have to deal with this again?
i can't do this anymore.