This might be pointless.
I'm honestly not even sure if anyone reads this thing anymore. I haven't posted in such a long time, I'm surprised I even come to this site sometimes.
So much has gone on in my life since the last time I actually really updated this thing... I'm not even sure where to start. Or, if I even want to open that can of worms.
I guess, since I'm bored at work... and have a lot of things on my mind it won't kill me to try to express those thoughts here.
Where do I start? I'm still working on the ambulance. I still love it. I'm waiting to transfer over and start working as a paramedic. I think, hopefully, in the next month or so I should be able to do that. I went through a phase where I didn't even want to work as a medic, but I'm starting to get the itch again. I think that's a good sign. I need change. I need something different.
I'm lonely. Viciously lonely. I'll deny it to your face... I'll smile and say everything is fine, but sometimes I just want to scream. Yes, I have myself surrounded with a group of friends who mean more to me than I could ever possibly explain. They keep me sane. They keep me grounded. They keep me together. I love them dearly for that. I love watching my friends families grow. I love watching their children grow and change. I love being apart of that. However, more and more I've noticed an ache in my heart. I want to be a part of that, too. I want my husband and my pregnancy and children and house... and group nights at the house with good beer and good friends talking about the funny new things the kids are doing and saying. I'm beginning to fear more and more that I may never have that. Yes, I know... I am young... I have so much time... blah blah blah. I've heard it all. And, trust me, my head completely understands that. I'm logical enough to understand all the facts. It's my stupid heart that is tripping me up. I don't usually listen to my heart, the heart is a fickle, temper-mental, delicate thing that seems to do nothing but get people in trouble. Well, atleast it seems to only gets me in trouble. Anytime I think I feel a trickle of anything flowing from my heart it only ends up making tears flow out my eyes. I'm trying so hard not to be a bitter person... not to be a hard shell. But, honestly, how much disappointment can one person take before you just refuse to let anyone else in at all? I mean disappointment with "love" or whatever you want to call it. Not necessarily in general. My friends, my CLOSE friends, aren't a disappointment. They are genuine. Real. Loyal. They are the glue that keeps me together after disappointment after disappointment...after disappointment. When do you give up? When do you finally say NO? I'm scared I may never open my heart up to anyone again... and I don't like that feeling. I want the warmth and the butterflies and the companionship and the trust and the person to share my everything with... that one person I can rely on. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe I should just give up. I don't want to though. Maybe it's my fault... but I don't understand that. People say I just "choose" the wrong guys... well, honestly... maybe I do. But, I can't be that terrible at judging people because everyone else I surround myself with is amazing...so how can I be so good with my friends, and yet so terrible everywhere else? I hate butterflies. I hate the stupid tricks they play on my head after my heart releases them into my stomach to flutter around and play games with me. Asshole butterflies. I know it's never a good thing when I feel them. I hate when my heart hatches them in my gut.
Maybe someday someone will prove me wrong.... but, honestly, I won't hold my breath.
So much has gone on in my life since the last time I actually really updated this thing... I'm not even sure where to start. Or, if I even want to open that can of worms.
I guess, since I'm bored at work... and have a lot of things on my mind it won't kill me to try to express those thoughts here.
Where do I start? I'm still working on the ambulance. I still love it. I'm waiting to transfer over and start working as a paramedic. I think, hopefully, in the next month or so I should be able to do that. I went through a phase where I didn't even want to work as a medic, but I'm starting to get the itch again. I think that's a good sign. I need change. I need something different.
I'm lonely. Viciously lonely. I'll deny it to your face... I'll smile and say everything is fine, but sometimes I just want to scream. Yes, I have myself surrounded with a group of friends who mean more to me than I could ever possibly explain. They keep me sane. They keep me grounded. They keep me together. I love them dearly for that. I love watching my friends families grow. I love watching their children grow and change. I love being apart of that. However, more and more I've noticed an ache in my heart. I want to be a part of that, too. I want my husband and my pregnancy and children and house... and group nights at the house with good beer and good friends talking about the funny new things the kids are doing and saying. I'm beginning to fear more and more that I may never have that. Yes, I know... I am young... I have so much time... blah blah blah. I've heard it all. And, trust me, my head completely understands that. I'm logical enough to understand all the facts. It's my stupid heart that is tripping me up. I don't usually listen to my heart, the heart is a fickle, temper-mental, delicate thing that seems to do nothing but get people in trouble. Well, atleast it seems to only gets me in trouble. Anytime I think I feel a trickle of anything flowing from my heart it only ends up making tears flow out my eyes. I'm trying so hard not to be a bitter person... not to be a hard shell. But, honestly, how much disappointment can one person take before you just refuse to let anyone else in at all? I mean disappointment with "love" or whatever you want to call it. Not necessarily in general. My friends, my CLOSE friends, aren't a disappointment. They are genuine. Real. Loyal. They are the glue that keeps me together after disappointment after disappointment...after disappointment. When do you give up? When do you finally say NO? I'm scared I may never open my heart up to anyone again... and I don't like that feeling. I want the warmth and the butterflies and the companionship and the trust and the person to share my everything with... that one person I can rely on. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe I should just give up. I don't want to though. Maybe it's my fault... but I don't understand that. People say I just "choose" the wrong guys... well, honestly... maybe I do. But, I can't be that terrible at judging people because everyone else I surround myself with is amazing...so how can I be so good with my friends, and yet so terrible everywhere else? I hate butterflies. I hate the stupid tricks they play on my head after my heart releases them into my stomach to flutter around and play games with me. Asshole butterflies. I know it's never a good thing when I feel them. I hate when my heart hatches them in my gut.
Maybe someday someone will prove me wrong.... but, honestly, I won't hold my breath.