if I am lost for a day, try and find me.filmzbyzachJune 14 2009, 06:35:56 UTC
When he shows up to the apartment, he doesn't knock right away. Nate said the door was open, but that doesn't automatically call for an utterly unannounced entrance, and Zach's never been comfortable with entrances and exits like Kramer anyway--especially not of late though. He runs his hands through his hair, inhaling, exhaling, half turning away and half turning back, repeating. At last, when he does knock, he almost thinks he should take it back, should just go home---is it home really though---and ignore the day and the night as much as possible.
Then he feels immediately ridiculous for such self-indulgence. He doesn't remember being this way once, and it unsettles him to think he's done the opposite of growing here, despite the changes and the experiences.
Waiting, because as said he can't just walk in, even if invited to, he leans his forehead numbly against the flat of the door itself. Maybe the knock was too soft? If so, he really will just turn back. Indecision is his middle name, lately...and maybe his first and last too.
if I am lost for a day, try and find me.malleableworldJune 14 2009, 06:42:33 UTC
Nate has been waiting at the couch near the door, his legs bunched up against his chest. He's worried; it's not a new feeling, to worry about a friend like Zach, especially since there are parts of each other that are so alike. He knows that there isn't any part of Zach that will allow him to enter the apartment without knocking, and so he's listening carefully for the knock.
When it comes he stands and opens the door, carefully. Something is wrong, and Nate knows it, and when he takes the other boy's weight against the door he feels it even more strongly. He pauses and waits for Zach to stand up, completely ready to help him up if he needs to.
"Zach," he says, quietly, his voice almost impossible to hear. "I'm here."
if I am lost for a day, try and find me.filmzbyzachJune 14 2009, 06:53:26 UTC
"I'm tired," he's complaining already, but somehow it sounds more like a fact than anything as subjective as whining tends to be, laden with how ridiculous he finds his own feelings at this point, and how ready he is to go home. Lately, it's been the first few times he's wondered if never seeing Claire again is worse than seeing her every day and feeling like he's gotten hit by a fast moving car. It's a combination of things either way that bring him here now, to a friend from another world who he doesn't really deserve, because the truth is his friendship and, yes, love, of Claire Bennet, has handicapped him in ways he never wanted to admit, but is forced to at least recognize these days. He feels guilty for showing up at all and even as he leans against the blond he stands up again, swallowing discomfort
( ... )
if I am lost for a day, try and find me.malleableworldJune 14 2009, 06:58:39 UTC
Nate doesn't say anything as Zach walks in and proclaims how tired he is, and continues not to say anything as he curls up on his couch. Nate instead feels; he keeps his memories to himself and stays out of Zach's head, even though there's a deep and almost overwhelming sensation to pluck whatever it is that's hurting Zach out. He feels, instead, anxious, and worried, and like his stomach is going to split open. It's not because Zach is on his couch as much as it's because something has driven Zach here, and as much as Nate likes him, he hates seeing him this sad, if sad is even the right word.
"It's okay," he utters, softly, and moves to sit next to him. He hopes that Zach thinks he's safe because he wants Zach to feel safe with him, but he almost thinks that it might be too much to ask. He resists, then, for now, putting an arm around the other boy and drawing him into an embrace. "Do you want to talk about it?"
if I am lost for a day, try and find me.filmzbyzachJune 14 2009, 07:06:11 UTC
"No it's not," and he knows he's being a hypocrite as soon as he says so, because he tells other people the same thing, and means it...right? It's okay. Don't be sorry. You can feel however you want. We all have bad times. These things, he knows, they aren't lies. He really believes them. So why can't he endorse them for himself? Maybe he feels like, because he creates so much of his own conflict by staying near her, by wanting to be near her, he doesn't have the right. Maybe. Maybe it doesn't make a difference and he's still having a terrible double standard. Maybe
( ... )
if I am lost for a day, try and find me.malleableworldJune 14 2009, 07:13:41 UTC
There are days; small days, but days that are growing ever more steady and increasingly larger if he's just a bother to people, and if that's the case, if he minds that he's a bother to people. He holds on tightly to Zach; rather, as tightly as he'll allow himself, not wanting to stretch the boundaries of propriety more than he already has. What is he doing? Why does he keep inviting Zach over when the other teen clearly has worse to handle and doesn't want help? He knows that the definition of crazy is when someone keeps bashing themselves against the same problem with hopes of getting a different result, and Nate doesn't know what the result he's after is, but this, this insistence that he feels deep in his soul for some kind of connection will drive him mad
( ... )
if I am lost for a day, try and find me.filmzbyzachJune 14 2009, 15:26:00 UTC
Zach probably uses Claire's shampoo sometimes, thoughtlessly, just because it's there, but subconsciously because if he can hold onto her in some small if material way, then maybe he can hold onto her altogether, or so goes the ill laid theory. He needs her, but he will lose her, and she will lose so much more than he will that he can't find it in himself to feel badly in his own favor. On a comparative scale in this nexus, he knows he's got no right to complain. What's an ordinary kid's separation issues in the midst of worlds ending and faith being shaken? He can't place himself. He doesn't even try these days, knowing he'll only feel worse for even daring. No, it's not his say, but his own opinion of who he is and where he stands has so nearly become the only one he has. Nate allowing him this sharing of space, a generous thing, he knows, is not lost on him, not in the least
( ... )
if I am lost for a day, try and find me.malleableworldJune 14 2009, 20:09:45 UTC
Nate isn't sure what's going on in Zach's brain; whatever it is obviously weighs heavily against him and he's pressing against Nate's shoulder like it's the very last safe place in the world. He moves a hand up to brush his hand up in Zach's hair, his fingers moving in broad, comforting circles.
"Sleep, Zach," he says, pressing the memory of sleep against Zach, as an option; take the memory or don't, no pressure. He knows that Zach will know what to do, if he feels it, if he decides it's worth his time. If he decides that this is better than whatever suffering is casting long shadows on his face. Nate isn't sure what else to do, other than to just sit there and hold him like there is no other way to hold back whatever pain this is.
if I am lost for a day, try and find me.filmzbyzachJune 17 2009, 21:42:01 UTC
If not the last safe place, it is one of the safest, undoubtedly, and there are so many things to be said for that, none of which Zach will ever feel capable of expressing in full, because he can have the odd encouraging speech, the nudge of reminding people he is there for them, but all in all he has little to nothing grand about him. His feelings maybe come close but he falls short of expressing them properly, so there's that. When people think about best friends, many different qualities come to mind, all changing depending on who the thinker is and who the friend in mind is, where they are from, what their personal circumstances are, and where they'll be, not today, not tomorrow, but someday
( ... )
Then he feels immediately ridiculous for such self-indulgence. He doesn't remember being this way once, and it unsettles him to think he's done the opposite of growing here, despite the changes and the experiences.
Waiting, because as said he can't just walk in, even if invited to, he leans his forehead numbly against the flat of the door itself. Maybe the knock was too soft? If so, he really will just turn back. Indecision is his middle name, lately...and maybe his first and last too.
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When it comes he stands and opens the door, carefully. Something is wrong, and Nate knows it, and when he takes the other boy's weight against the door he feels it even more strongly. He pauses and waits for Zach to stand up, completely ready to help him up if he needs to.
"Zach," he says, quietly, his voice almost impossible to hear. "I'm here."
Those two words aren't simply literal.
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"It's okay," he utters, softly, and moves to sit next to him. He hopes that Zach thinks he's safe because he wants Zach to feel safe with him, but he almost thinks that it might be too much to ask. He resists, then, for now, putting an arm around the other boy and drawing him into an embrace. "Do you want to talk about it?"
He assumes that the answer will be no.
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"Sleep, Zach," he says, pressing the memory of sleep against Zach, as an option; take the memory or don't, no pressure. He knows that Zach will know what to do, if he feels it, if he decides it's worth his time. If he decides that this is better than whatever suffering is casting long shadows on his face. Nate isn't sure what else to do, other than to just sit there and hold him like there is no other way to hold back whatever pain this is.
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