by gum, he still exists
Not sure what to write. but the fact that i havent updated this in forever has been naggin at me for months. i seem to have had a horrible habit of keeping too much to myself lately. i could have written a ton of entries here, full of all that emotional emo drivel i seem to save so often for this thing. (seriously. every once in awhile i'll skip back a year or three and read over the shit i was writing, and it makes me hate life all over again.)
anyways.
to know me now, you wouldn't believe i am who i am. I do the 9 to 5 thing. i drive to work 5 days a week. i take care of my "family". i pay teh bills. i dont remember the last time i got trashed with a bunch of friends, or went out and partied on into the evening. i feel like responsibility jumped me when i wasnt looking.
I am absolutely drowning in it. all work and no play, at its finest. and i can feel myself slowly but surely, starting to snap. no clue when, how, what, etc. but it'll happen just as surely as i'm writing this. if i cant find some sort of balance, i'll lose more than what i'm holdin on to.
in some ways, i feel i've grown a lot, and that's cool. able to reach the proverbial cereal box on the top shelf, so to speak. in other ways... i feel like i had to give up my sense of childhood, and more, to get here. that sickens me. peter pan be damned, my childlike resilience is what sheltered me through some of the worst storms my life has survived.
i feel like i dream more at night. i actually wake up now and can sorta mentally touch on bits and pieces of what surely must have been dreams i had while sleeping.
and yet, i feel like i no longer dream during the day. and those were the dreams that meant the world to me. i dont seem to think about spinning much at all anymore, fire or music. i no longer think about what "could be", but "what is.". i spend my time worrying whether i have enough money to pay rent this month. or whether there's enough food to eat in the house. i worry about shit like whether i should gas up the car on the way home from work or risk doing it the next morning because it means i might not get to work on time.
WHAT THE FUCK.
I know i'm turning into what the rest of the world thinks i should be. but i'm still fighting with the idea and realization that i'm giving up or losing everything *I* wanted me to be. scary thoughts indeed.
more later.
Maybe.
anyways.
to know me now, you wouldn't believe i am who i am. I do the 9 to 5 thing. i drive to work 5 days a week. i take care of my "family". i pay teh bills. i dont remember the last time i got trashed with a bunch of friends, or went out and partied on into the evening. i feel like responsibility jumped me when i wasnt looking.
I am absolutely drowning in it. all work and no play, at its finest. and i can feel myself slowly but surely, starting to snap. no clue when, how, what, etc. but it'll happen just as surely as i'm writing this. if i cant find some sort of balance, i'll lose more than what i'm holdin on to.
in some ways, i feel i've grown a lot, and that's cool. able to reach the proverbial cereal box on the top shelf, so to speak. in other ways... i feel like i had to give up my sense of childhood, and more, to get here. that sickens me. peter pan be damned, my childlike resilience is what sheltered me through some of the worst storms my life has survived.
i feel like i dream more at night. i actually wake up now and can sorta mentally touch on bits and pieces of what surely must have been dreams i had while sleeping.
and yet, i feel like i no longer dream during the day. and those were the dreams that meant the world to me. i dont seem to think about spinning much at all anymore, fire or music. i no longer think about what "could be", but "what is.". i spend my time worrying whether i have enough money to pay rent this month. or whether there's enough food to eat in the house. i worry about shit like whether i should gas up the car on the way home from work or risk doing it the next morning because it means i might not get to work on time.
WHAT THE FUCK.
I know i'm turning into what the rest of the world thinks i should be. but i'm still fighting with the idea and realization that i'm giving up or losing everything *I* wanted me to be. scary thoughts indeed.
more later.
Maybe.