heh.
it's been a long long long time since i've explored the realm of automatic writing, or stream-of-consciousness writing. in fact, the last time i did it, i was sitting in match class in highschool, and i threw away what i wrote because it scared the hell out of me. i had somehow outlined all the probable steps to achieve godhood, and in my fear i thought it meant either i was tapping into things i shouldnt, or that if i chose to believe what i was writing, surely i was crazy.
but now a mixture of impatience, depression, insanity, ICP pounding in my earphones, I feel like i should try again. I might mark it private afterwards. i might not. either way, read it at your own risk, the thoughts contained are not neccessarily my own, just an attempt at expanding on any thought that enters my head until either a different thought is followed or the original one is exhausted.
heh. not even sure where to start. but this i guess is as good a place as any. it's not like i dont start most random conversations in the middle of other thoughts.
I cant believe i did that. what was i thinking. i shouldnt have sent that message. i should have stuck with my silence, while it causes loneliness it's kept me from getting hurt. i wonder if i'll end up regretting the decision to say hello yet again. one way to find out.....
WE TAKIN OVER ONE CITY AT A TIME. great song. dj khaled makes me giggle on the inside. still cant explain why that song puts tears in my eyes. something about the idea that there's something bigger out there. something with a plan. something that will put all the wrongs right.
bounce bounce bounce pogo bounce.... system of a down will probably always remind me of shades if for no other reason than than that's the cd that was in the cd player during the drive from the funeral home to the cemetary. miss ya dude. the details of our last conversation sting in ways i cant share with people that wouldnt understand. i prided myself on being part of a very small list of people that had turned their back on you. right up until the very end, when i turned my back on you, and you died that night. i dont want to go into details in a quasi-public setting, but you were there, you know what was going on, and i would like to think you forgive me for walking out the door, even though i still cant forgive myself for doing it.
cant believe i fucked this up. i really wanted things to work with us. with one exception, you were the only person in the last 7-8 years that i trusted enough to start a relationship with. yes, there were other relationships in that time, but every one of them was with an ex that either forgave me or i forgave them. which means that with one exception, you are the only person i really took a chance with. and it blew up in my fuckin face. god that hurts. seriously. i spend nights pacing back and forth, or crying, hating myself for the problems i've caused, and hating the situation for not knowing how to get around it. not you tho. I'd like to think i'll never hate you.
editor's note: ok none of this was stream of consciousness. apparently i didnt trust my fingers enough to actually let go. i'll try again. if you dont see it, it's prolly marked ultra-private or i didnt write it after all.
but now a mixture of impatience, depression, insanity, ICP pounding in my earphones, I feel like i should try again. I might mark it private afterwards. i might not. either way, read it at your own risk, the thoughts contained are not neccessarily my own, just an attempt at expanding on any thought that enters my head until either a different thought is followed or the original one is exhausted.
heh. not even sure where to start. but this i guess is as good a place as any. it's not like i dont start most random conversations in the middle of other thoughts.
I cant believe i did that. what was i thinking. i shouldnt have sent that message. i should have stuck with my silence, while it causes loneliness it's kept me from getting hurt. i wonder if i'll end up regretting the decision to say hello yet again. one way to find out.....
WE TAKIN OVER ONE CITY AT A TIME. great song. dj khaled makes me giggle on the inside. still cant explain why that song puts tears in my eyes. something about the idea that there's something bigger out there. something with a plan. something that will put all the wrongs right.
bounce bounce bounce pogo bounce.... system of a down will probably always remind me of shades if for no other reason than than that's the cd that was in the cd player during the drive from the funeral home to the cemetary. miss ya dude. the details of our last conversation sting in ways i cant share with people that wouldnt understand. i prided myself on being part of a very small list of people that had turned their back on you. right up until the very end, when i turned my back on you, and you died that night. i dont want to go into details in a quasi-public setting, but you were there, you know what was going on, and i would like to think you forgive me for walking out the door, even though i still cant forgive myself for doing it.
cant believe i fucked this up. i really wanted things to work with us. with one exception, you were the only person in the last 7-8 years that i trusted enough to start a relationship with. yes, there were other relationships in that time, but every one of them was with an ex that either forgave me or i forgave them. which means that with one exception, you are the only person i really took a chance with. and it blew up in my fuckin face. god that hurts. seriously. i spend nights pacing back and forth, or crying, hating myself for the problems i've caused, and hating the situation for not knowing how to get around it. not you tho. I'd like to think i'll never hate you.
editor's note: ok none of this was stream of consciousness. apparently i didnt trust my fingers enough to actually let go. i'll try again. if you dont see it, it's prolly marked ultra-private or i didnt write it after all.