good stuff - Mitch Hedberg

[maliciousshe]

~ "P.S: This is what part of the alphabet would look like if q and r were eliminated."

~ "I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

~ "Do you know where I can get coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

~ "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."

~ "I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too."

~ "I haven't slept for 10 days because that would be too long."

~ "I know a lot about cars. I can look at the headlights and tell you exactly where it's coming."

~ "I don't own a cell phone or pager, I just hang around everyone I know all the time."

~ "A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."

~ "If you had a friend that was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk with him and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."

~ "Who would throw a tomatoe at a band, then I thought who would bring a tomatoe?"

~ "I play tennis, I think the best thing about tennis, I'll never be as good as a wall."

~ " I was walking down the street with my friend and he said I hear music as if there is any other way you can take it, you're not special, that's how I recieve it too, I tried to taste it but that did not work."

~ "I opened up a yogurt and it said please try again because they were having a contest I was unaware of, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me...Fruit on the bottom, hope on the top."

~ "Get your priorities crooked."

~ "I have an underwater camera in case I crash my car in a lake and I see a photo opportunity of a fish I have never seen."

~ "Everytime I go and shave I assume there is someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, I'm gunna shave too."

~ "You can't please people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show."

~ "Every joke has been preapproved, as funny, by me."

~ "Snake eyes, that's a gambling term, or an animal term."