(no subject)
My girlfriend wrote that "At 16 years old, it's always true love. Simply because at 16, you don't really know what's good for you and you have fairy tale expectations." and for once I have to disagree with her. Maybe I'm different than a vast majority of people, I'm pretty sure I am, but all my fairy tale expectations pretty much flew out the window at 13 with a piece of paper saying my ANA test was positive and a later diagnoses of Fibromyalgia then Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I realized then that nothing would come easy for me, and very few people would want to deal with a disabled person for life. I still hoped and dreamed, yes, but always more practical. I dreamed of actually getting through college, making a career, a family with someone stable, maybe not the fairy tale, and I never ever thought I'd get what my parents had, true love at 15 or even NOW, at 18. 15, 16 year olds, 17 year olds too, hell even 18 year olds(though I like to think I'm a special case) aren't really equipped to understand illnesses, at least unless they've dealt with it too. They can be sympathetic, they can care, but I never believed I'd find someone who knew how to deal with me or could truly love me while I was young.
I had 2 boyfriends as a teenager and one semi love before I met either of the boys I dated, and I truly think they were good for me, they were experiences I needed and people to lean on at least for a little while. However, I went into them knowing that my heart would be a little bit broken in the end and it wouldn't last. I loved them in a way, not that burning, live for them and willing to die for them love, but a comfortable, young love. Puppy love, I guess you could call it. Eric, the first boy I ever fell for had his own issues and things ended messy. Christian, well he was great for a while, but eventually things just didn't work out. And Brad, well Brad was more concerned about succeeding in sports and listening to his mommy dearest than actually staying with me. So none of them worked, and I didn't expect them to work so it was okay, because I hadn't gotten my hopes up that the love was a forever type love and I figured my next relationship after the boys wouldn't be my forever love either.
Then I turned 18, joined a roleplay comm and started talking with Nikki. It didn't take too long of talking to her before I started crushing, and crushing hard. For the first time in over a year, I had a crush. And it was a crush on someone I'd never even met and didn't know too terribly much about. I just knew I liked her a helluva lot and I also knew things probably wouldn't work out. I've gotten into the habit of not getting my hopes up about anything so that I don't end up disappointed in the end. I'm not sure if that's good or bad but it's the way it is. So I sentenced myself to talking to her, and being her friend and never having my feelings for her completely realized. Shannon, my sister from another mister, even said she doubted it'd work out but I should at least tell Nikki my feelings. And in the end I told Nikki I had a crush on someone. She said she had a crush on someone else and I felt like my heart broke in that moment, because to me it couldn't possibly be me she'd have a crush on, especially not after she'd told me she couldn't date people younger than her.
Well eventually I'm guessing Shannon and her got sick of hearing about my crush and they were like "TELL HEERRR" And I got sick of keeping it to myself and told her I liked her. She was just like "Well that's irony... The girl I have a crush on is you." I think I was smiling so wide at that time, it felt like my face was going to crack. Well, I'm pretty sure this was like December? Yeah, December because at Christmas I had my little list of questions I needed to ask her to get to know her better in my new journal. Well we didn't do anything for a couple weeks. I was just happy that someone I liked liked ME back. Well until a little after new years and we were talking about being too chicken to ask each other to be each others girlfriends. So she asked then. OF COURSE I SAID YES! Hello, I'd been wanting to be her girlfriend for like a month. So yeah, the third was 2 months. *Squee*
But it's different than any other relationship for me. I went into it at first thinking it'd be like my last ones, I'd get my heart broken or something, but the more and more I talked with Nikki, the more and more I fell in love with her. And the more and more I realized, this is the person I want to work to spending forever with. I still don't dream of the fairy tale, those are perfect and have endings, I want a real relationship that takes work and doesn't have a "the end" That's what's REAL and true to me, something that has lasting power. My parent's relationship is anything but perfect, and they've had so many issues between the both of them but they've been together almost 21 years now, 19 of those married in June, and you know what? They still love each other so fuckin much. I want that. I want the sort of relationship where it's hard to imagine what I'd be without the other person, who I'd be, and I'm getting that. The fact that I can't think of what a day where I didn't at least think of Nikki isn't something I imagine, and the thought of being without her makes my heart feel like it's breaking has to count for something.
I'm well aware of the fact we're both less than perfect, because let's face it, NOBODY is perfect. Everyone's got some flaws and I'm comfortable admitting I've got quite a few. But I think good relationships are about taking two people(or three if you're into that ;) I'm not gonna judge) and making something good out of them. Communication, and trust, and love, and faith in each other are all things that seem important. Being willing to lean on the person you're with and be leaned on equally as much. All these things are what I think are important in relationships, and I know I lean on Nikki already and she leans on me. We've both got things we've got to work through before we get to be together in real life, or at least I know I've got some things to work through. I have to get healthy mentally and physically before I can even think about moving away from home, but one day it'll happen. And until then, well there's plans for her to visit in September, which I'm so excited for! And hopefully after that I'll save up to visit her in MA and we'll go back and forth until we get to live together and be together more than across the phone or computer screen.
I love her with all my heart and I know, I know this is going to work, because it has to and I can't imagine myself with anyone else but her.
Maybe this is a bit disjointed, but it's from the heart and I think that's all that matters.
I had 2 boyfriends as a teenager and one semi love before I met either of the boys I dated, and I truly think they were good for me, they were experiences I needed and people to lean on at least for a little while. However, I went into them knowing that my heart would be a little bit broken in the end and it wouldn't last. I loved them in a way, not that burning, live for them and willing to die for them love, but a comfortable, young love. Puppy love, I guess you could call it. Eric, the first boy I ever fell for had his own issues and things ended messy. Christian, well he was great for a while, but eventually things just didn't work out. And Brad, well Brad was more concerned about succeeding in sports and listening to his mommy dearest than actually staying with me. So none of them worked, and I didn't expect them to work so it was okay, because I hadn't gotten my hopes up that the love was a forever type love and I figured my next relationship after the boys wouldn't be my forever love either.
Then I turned 18, joined a roleplay comm and started talking with Nikki. It didn't take too long of talking to her before I started crushing, and crushing hard. For the first time in over a year, I had a crush. And it was a crush on someone I'd never even met and didn't know too terribly much about. I just knew I liked her a helluva lot and I also knew things probably wouldn't work out. I've gotten into the habit of not getting my hopes up about anything so that I don't end up disappointed in the end. I'm not sure if that's good or bad but it's the way it is. So I sentenced myself to talking to her, and being her friend and never having my feelings for her completely realized. Shannon, my sister from another mister, even said she doubted it'd work out but I should at least tell Nikki my feelings. And in the end I told Nikki I had a crush on someone. She said she had a crush on someone else and I felt like my heart broke in that moment, because to me it couldn't possibly be me she'd have a crush on, especially not after she'd told me she couldn't date people younger than her.
Well eventually I'm guessing Shannon and her got sick of hearing about my crush and they were like "TELL HEERRR" And I got sick of keeping it to myself and told her I liked her. She was just like "Well that's irony... The girl I have a crush on is you." I think I was smiling so wide at that time, it felt like my face was going to crack. Well, I'm pretty sure this was like December? Yeah, December because at Christmas I had my little list of questions I needed to ask her to get to know her better in my new journal. Well we didn't do anything for a couple weeks. I was just happy that someone I liked liked ME back. Well until a little after new years and we were talking about being too chicken to ask each other to be each others girlfriends. So she asked then. OF COURSE I SAID YES! Hello, I'd been wanting to be her girlfriend for like a month. So yeah, the third was 2 months. *Squee*
But it's different than any other relationship for me. I went into it at first thinking it'd be like my last ones, I'd get my heart broken or something, but the more and more I talked with Nikki, the more and more I fell in love with her. And the more and more I realized, this is the person I want to work to spending forever with. I still don't dream of the fairy tale, those are perfect and have endings, I want a real relationship that takes work and doesn't have a "the end" That's what's REAL and true to me, something that has lasting power. My parent's relationship is anything but perfect, and they've had so many issues between the both of them but they've been together almost 21 years now, 19 of those married in June, and you know what? They still love each other so fuckin much. I want that. I want the sort of relationship where it's hard to imagine what I'd be without the other person, who I'd be, and I'm getting that. The fact that I can't think of what a day where I didn't at least think of Nikki isn't something I imagine, and the thought of being without her makes my heart feel like it's breaking has to count for something.
I'm well aware of the fact we're both less than perfect, because let's face it, NOBODY is perfect. Everyone's got some flaws and I'm comfortable admitting I've got quite a few. But I think good relationships are about taking two people(or three if you're into that ;) I'm not gonna judge) and making something good out of them. Communication, and trust, and love, and faith in each other are all things that seem important. Being willing to lean on the person you're with and be leaned on equally as much. All these things are what I think are important in relationships, and I know I lean on Nikki already and she leans on me. We've both got things we've got to work through before we get to be together in real life, or at least I know I've got some things to work through. I have to get healthy mentally and physically before I can even think about moving away from home, but one day it'll happen. And until then, well there's plans for her to visit in September, which I'm so excited for! And hopefully after that I'll save up to visit her in MA and we'll go back and forth until we get to live together and be together more than across the phone or computer screen.
I love her with all my heart and I know, I know this is going to work, because it has to and I can't imagine myself with anyone else but her.
Maybe this is a bit disjointed, but it's from the heart and I think that's all that matters.