Long post is long
heh I suppose that since I'm awake right now, I really should be trying to finish up my sleep theory thesis paper... Unfortunately, my head is spinning with too many thoughts, so I can't focus.
So long time no post, yeah? I think the last one was back in June or so. Life has just been busy I guess.
don't really have to read this unless you're interested
I guess you could say that I've been on sort of a downward spiral since then. For lack of a better word everything has just been completely fucked. Not too long ago, I was actually getting ready to delete everything, my facebook, LJ, everything but decided against it Thanks to certain people in my life, I've become more and more drawn into myself. The few friendships that I had have been completely erased. And I can't make new ones because of the walls I've built up around myself and all of my anxieties and insecurities. This is something that I don't completely understand. Not really in the sense of why because I know why, we've simply grown to hate each other. Its more of why I'm unable to keep any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone past mere acquaintances. And that makes me feel horrible. There are people that can sit there and call me their friend and yet I don't see them as anymore than someone that I can call when I forgot what an assignment was or something like that. And I've thought and thought and I still can't understand why. I can only think that its my sort of self defense mechanism against the abandonment issues that I've obviously developed over the past few years. I don't know...I don't know.
Being completely honest though, I've been really depressed. My anxiety has been worse than ever. And not being able to just deal and cope with it like I've always been able to any longer, I tried to get help for it but the only result has been being absolutely sick all the fucking time thanks to my doctor deciding that venlafaxine was the best choice to go with. It's not. It is a bitch to get used to taking and to get off of. The only thing that I can compare the side effects to is what a heroin addict goes through when suffering withdrawal symptoms. So yeah, not pleasant at all. But I had to do something. It was getting to the point where as an example, I had to walk into the cafeteria three to four times before I could bring myself to say anything to anyone. I guess that now its a tiny bit better but only to the extent that the meds have just made it to where I can just force myself to do something.
Going back to the depression thing.....its so sudden. Maybe it just that even though I try to be strong all the time, things lately have become too much to bear by myself. I can't even tell my family that I have been depressed because I don't want to deal with the way that they would react.
Lets see....
My grandfather is dying of stage four pancreatic cancer and has 6 months at the most.
My grandmother has been a mess since finding out and now I worry about her.
The anniversary of my best friend dying is coming up.
I just saw my father for the first time in over a year and a half and he decided to ignore me the entire day in order to keep up appearances in front of his wife.
I've recently come to the conclusion that I will never, ever, be able to have a relationship with him as long as he is married to her because she won't allow it.
I have no friends.
I'm becoming distant from the rest of family.
and a million other things.
I am becoming more and more of a pathetic person every day...
ah I'm about to cry. It is best though because this is something I never talk about. And even though I continue to do so, holding everything this like this isn't good. I do feel however that a tiny bit of pressure is released off my mind. maybe now I can finish my paper lol.
and sorry if this is a a jumbled choppy mess and I've repeated things over and over...
I've decided that because I have such difficulties talking about myself, that I will start making frequent posts. At the least maybe a few words or a picture or just me randomly listing things from my day. Just something to help chip through all my insecurities little by little. Even if no one reads it besides me. I originally wanted to post something every day but between studying, classes, tutoring, and work, I don't have the time. And honestly I'm not interesting enough for a post a day. So my goal is three to four times a week. And I'll try extremely hard to not second guess myself and not delete anything. I need to work on making myself a better person so this will be the step I'll take in doing so, even though it isn't necessarily the most... ideal, I suppose, way of doing it.
So something for today:
Okay, so the beginning of the semester my sensei managed to convince me to be a tutor for the Japanese IA class. I couldn't really say no because she's extremely nice and I would have felt bad saying no, but I'm starting to regret it. Just because I happen to be vague when I speak and I say things like 'oh you can contact me anytime you need help on homework' in an effort to be approachable, does not mean that you can call me at midnight. I will not be happy. And this has happened more than once.
And since I'm on the subject of class, tonight I was listening to music on my Itouch as I was looking up kanji and my partner decided to be funny and unplug my earphones. While Gackt was playing.... and everyone knows me as the rocker type. Not that anything is wrong with that of course. So here I am all like FUUUUU but then my sensei was all "oh its Gackt!" and she knew exactly what song it was. And my face was just like ⊙△⊙ literally... It was awesome lol
And because I said I'd start posting pictures too...
Here is my cat preventing me from doing my work
And me just after waking up.
ah I've never noticed how oddly perfect my hair is （゜◇゜） no bed head lol
Now I think I should stop before this gets any longer and go finish my paper....
So long time no post, yeah? I think the last one was back in June or so. Life has just been busy I guess.
don't really have to read this unless you're interested
I guess you could say that I've been on sort of a downward spiral since then. For lack of a better word everything has just been completely fucked. Not too long ago, I was actually getting ready to delete everything, my facebook, LJ, everything but decided against it Thanks to certain people in my life, I've become more and more drawn into myself. The few friendships that I had have been completely erased. And I can't make new ones because of the walls I've built up around myself and all of my anxieties and insecurities. This is something that I don't completely understand. Not really in the sense of why because I know why, we've simply grown to hate each other. Its more of why I'm unable to keep any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone past mere acquaintances. And that makes me feel horrible. There are people that can sit there and call me their friend and yet I don't see them as anymore than someone that I can call when I forgot what an assignment was or something like that. And I've thought and thought and I still can't understand why. I can only think that its my sort of self defense mechanism against the abandonment issues that I've obviously developed over the past few years. I don't know...I don't know.
Being completely honest though, I've been really depressed. My anxiety has been worse than ever. And not being able to just deal and cope with it like I've always been able to any longer, I tried to get help for it but the only result has been being absolutely sick all the fucking time thanks to my doctor deciding that venlafaxine was the best choice to go with. It's not. It is a bitch to get used to taking and to get off of. The only thing that I can compare the side effects to is what a heroin addict goes through when suffering withdrawal symptoms. So yeah, not pleasant at all. But I had to do something. It was getting to the point where as an example, I had to walk into the cafeteria three to four times before I could bring myself to say anything to anyone. I guess that now its a tiny bit better but only to the extent that the meds have just made it to where I can just force myself to do something.
Going back to the depression thing.....its so sudden. Maybe it just that even though I try to be strong all the time, things lately have become too much to bear by myself. I can't even tell my family that I have been depressed because I don't want to deal with the way that they would react.
Lets see....
My grandfather is dying of stage four pancreatic cancer and has 6 months at the most.
My grandmother has been a mess since finding out and now I worry about her.
The anniversary of my best friend dying is coming up.
I just saw my father for the first time in over a year and a half and he decided to ignore me the entire day in order to keep up appearances in front of his wife.
I've recently come to the conclusion that I will never, ever, be able to have a relationship with him as long as he is married to her because she won't allow it.
I have no friends.
I'm becoming distant from the rest of family.
and a million other things.
I am becoming more and more of a pathetic person every day...
ah I'm about to cry. It is best though because this is something I never talk about. And even though I continue to do so, holding everything this like this isn't good. I do feel however that a tiny bit of pressure is released off my mind. maybe now I can finish my paper lol.
and sorry if this is a a jumbled choppy mess and I've repeated things over and over...
I've decided that because I have such difficulties talking about myself, that I will start making frequent posts. At the least maybe a few words or a picture or just me randomly listing things from my day. Just something to help chip through all my insecurities little by little. Even if no one reads it besides me. I originally wanted to post something every day but between studying, classes, tutoring, and work, I don't have the time. And honestly I'm not interesting enough for a post a day. So my goal is three to four times a week. And I'll try extremely hard to not second guess myself and not delete anything. I need to work on making myself a better person so this will be the step I'll take in doing so, even though it isn't necessarily the most... ideal, I suppose, way of doing it.
So something for today:
Okay, so the beginning of the semester my sensei managed to convince me to be a tutor for the Japanese IA class. I couldn't really say no because she's extremely nice and I would have felt bad saying no, but I'm starting to regret it. Just because I happen to be vague when I speak and I say things like 'oh you can contact me anytime you need help on homework' in an effort to be approachable, does not mean that you can call me at midnight. I will not be happy. And this has happened more than once.
And since I'm on the subject of class, tonight I was listening to music on my Itouch as I was looking up kanji and my partner decided to be funny and unplug my earphones. While Gackt was playing.... and everyone knows me as the rocker type. Not that anything is wrong with that of course. So here I am all like FUUUUU but then my sensei was all "oh its Gackt!" and she knew exactly what song it was. And my face was just like ⊙△⊙ literally... It was awesome lol
And because I said I'd start posting pictures too...
Here is my cat preventing me from doing my work
And me just after waking up.
ah I've never noticed how oddly perfect my hair is （゜◇゜） no bed head lol
Now I think I should stop before this gets any longer and go finish my paper....