(no subject)
I am walking to work today and Mark approaches me from behind. He is grinning and happy. He tells me what he has just been doing, what he did that morning, what he is going to do. He asks me what I’m listening to. Something he gave me. He asks me what I’m up to. He is celebrating, he invites me to come. I decline. I have to go to work. He smiles and nods and says I should come by later if I want and starts to excuse himself. I ask him if he is moving into a new apartment today. He said they are getting the lease and he is looking forward to it. He said they will have to have me over for dinner when they get moved in. This is not the first time he has said this. He is smiling and engaged. I smile back. I give him a big smile and nod and talk.
“Are you really going to get drunk right now?”
“Yep. I’m going to be working on it all day. Come by when you’re done if you want. Come by and hang out.”
We part ways. I walk in to the store where my guy friend is working.
“I just saw him. He’s great. He acted like everything was fine.”
“Good. Everything is.”
“No, I mean he acted like nothing was ever wrong.”
“Nothing ever was. Malevolentsule, it doesn’t mean anything more than what he says it does. Stop thinking so hard about all this. He’s a very at face value kind of guy. You should stop by when you’re done with work.”
I got on the bus and sat there thinking about it. I had an overwhelming urge to really cry. I am HURT. I feel really hurt. No one thinks that’s reasonable though. No one thinks I’ve been hurt but me. I know my feelings are always appropriate (even when they aren’t) because they are feelings and I can’t control them. I also believe that in a relationship I have a right to honest communication. I have a right to know what is going on. But I didn’t ask. I just waited. I just sat there waiting and hurting. And then I start thinking about this underlying theory I have going in therapy. If I am missing some core ability to be alone, for me to be alone is insufficient. If I am looking for someone to act as a mother-figure stand in as far as being so close and so available and so intimate - ok, bullshit. I’m looking for someone to be co-dependant. I’m looking for someone who will NEVER leave me. I’m looking for a level of security that probably isn’t healthy for me or for him. I’m looking for a closeness that isn’t sustainable. And if that is what I seek above most else in my intimate relationships, then someone who draws away when something is hard, or bad, or sad is about as scary as it gets for me. It is threatening. It is the opposite of what I have always looked for. It doesn’t mean it’s not what I need, it means I am very, very uncomfortable. It means it’s really hard for me. And scary. It’s threatening and feels dangerous and it makes me feel all the shit that I have worked so hard to get under control.
What do I do with that? Do I look for someone who is less extreme, closer to what will be comfortable to me? Do I pull down a curtain and maintain a friendship, but close myself off to intimacy? I don’t know. I’m really not sure. Only just now do I feel like I understand what is happening. It’s a huge relief. I feel more in control now that I understand. I feel like I can begin to make choices. It took so long just to figure this out. It was so hard. What did I learn from it?
I’m glad I didn’t fuck anyone else. I’m glad I suffered through it, at least until I understood what I was feeling and why. I’m glad I didn’t attack him and blame him for my hurt. I’m glad of all that because now I can approach him without guilt - or at least not much guilt. Ha. Yeah, I still feel guilty, just for being angry with him, even if I didn’t ever tell him. You know a funny thing? I somehow knew this morning. I didn’t speak to him directly, I didn’t go to him and he didn’t come to me, but somehow I knew that today it would be better. I didn’t know it would be him for sure, but I knew it would be for me. No shit, within an hour of me realizing this he appeared - smiling. I believe in all that spiritual connection bullshit. I believe I am tapped into people in a pretty serious way. I can’t tell you anything about myself, but I have spent my life trying to understand and feel what other people feel. Trying to connect.
Anyway - lessons. He isn’t perfect. Far from it. He is deeply flawed. He has a lot of problems. In a lot of ways, he is just as extremely fucked up as I am. What do I want to do with that? I’m not going to save him. I need to save myself or the world will start spinning too fast. I need to keep my balance. But what do I do about him? I can already tell you that if he asks me to do something I will say yes. I would love to spend time with him. I don’t want to be in a group. I don’t want to watch him entertain and give everyone a smile or a joke to amuse. I want him to talk to me. I want him to engage with me. I want to watch him and him watch me. I want to be close again. But knowing that inevitably he will be gone, do I still want that? Knowing that he will stay separate from me, that I will lay in my bed alone wanting him and hurting, do I want it anyway? I honestly don’t know. I am so scared. I am so scared and so hurt still. SHIT. I wonder if he has any idea how I feel. Ha. That’s funny. I write about my “right to truthfulness and honesty” from him and I feel no reciprocal sense of obligation. Ha. I’m kind of an unfair asshole. My guy friends have been pointing that out. I expect him to ask me and invite me and come to me while I avoid and hide and sulk. Last night his close friend said flat out, “You should come and see him.”
“Why?”
“Because he fucking feels bad.”
“Look. I would love to be comforting and if we were just friends I wouldn’t hesitate. We are in this weird other place where I think he wants to solve his own problems and be all manly and come back feeling competent and together.”
“Hmm. You might be right about that. Hmm. I see what you’re saying. Fine, don’t baby him, but come by the fucking shop and talk to him.”
My other guy friend last night - “So… you KNOW he’s miserable?”
“Yeah, but he hasn’t told me that, I only know because his friend told me.”
“I see. So you know, but you won’t go ask him if he wants to talk or if he’s ok because he didn’t tell you that himself?”
“Yeah. I’m angry and hurt because he isn’t talking to me.”
“What the fuck!? He TOLD you he wanted to be better, to engage with you, but that he just couldn’t. He TOLD you he was feeling bad. What the fuck else is he supposed to do? You can’t respond to that by offering to talk or asking him if he is ok? I know you are trying to let him be all tough because he’s a guy, but he is also a person and people talk about what is going on with other people.”
“I…I guess I could do that.”
“No shit.”
Somehow I come out of this looking like I’m to blame even though I was SURE it was all his fault. Meanwhile he is likely completely unaware that I think there is any blame to be placed. Ok. So if he asks me out again and I accept, then I need to communicate how I’m feeling. Last time I did that and he responded really well. Last time I didn’t tell him how I felt or what I wanted him to do very clearly. I told him what he did wrong and he said he wouldn’t do it again. And admittedly that situation was different. But what do I say? Not the truth for godsake. Here’s how I imagine it -
He asks me out. We have a great time. He comes home with me and we have fantastic, hot, sweaty, sweet sex with lots of kissing with tongues. In the morning we are sipping coffee and I look kind of blurry eyed, but adorable and he is looking at me like I’m an angel. Then I explain to him that I don’t think I can do this with him any more. He looks very concerned and places his hand on my knee and asks why I would say that. I explain that I really like him and I really like what we’re doing, but I’m getting attached and it hurts me a lot when he disappears. I will tell him that I understand that he is kind of a loner and that he doesn’t want to be close with me, but that I do and I will just continue to want it more if I keep seeing him. He will scoot to the edge of his chair or maybe even kneel between my legs and hold my hands. He’ll look into my eyes and tell me that I’m mistaken. He’ll tell me that he does want to be close and he’s been afraid, but he can’t stop thinking about me and I’m perfect and everything he wants.
The problem with that is that I’ve told him how he feels again and when he just blinks at me in surprise I won’t ever know if I was right. I have to just tell him how I feel. How only I feel. Ok, try again.
“Mark, I don’t think I can keep doing this with you.”
“Drink coffee?”
“No, be in this weird limbo of friends who occasionally have sex. I am getting attached to you and I don’t want to be with anyone else and I want to be special to you. I don’t want to feel like you are going to just disappear.”
“I’m not going to disappear and you are special to me.” [He would say that]
“When you don’t talk to me for a week, that’s disappearing. It feels like that when you don’t talk to me for a few days, but I’m trying not to let my insecurities rule the day here. Everyone else talks to me at least every other day, so I don’t think I have unreasonable expectations. I just think you don’t want to do this with me. I think if you liked me enough you would just do this stuff automatically. And on my end that means that each day that you don’t do it, I’m thinking it is a clear message that you don’t think much of me. That’s what I don’t want to keep doing. I hate walking around feeling rejected most of the time.”
I think that’s pretty good. I’m never going to remember it all, but let’s just see if that’s still what I really want to say tomorrow. Gotta go. The work day is over and I’m going to drop in.
“Are you really going to get drunk right now?”
“Yep. I’m going to be working on it all day. Come by when you’re done if you want. Come by and hang out.”
We part ways. I walk in to the store where my guy friend is working.
“I just saw him. He’s great. He acted like everything was fine.”
“Good. Everything is.”
“No, I mean he acted like nothing was ever wrong.”
“Nothing ever was. Malevolentsule, it doesn’t mean anything more than what he says it does. Stop thinking so hard about all this. He’s a very at face value kind of guy. You should stop by when you’re done with work.”
I got on the bus and sat there thinking about it. I had an overwhelming urge to really cry. I am HURT. I feel really hurt. No one thinks that’s reasonable though. No one thinks I’ve been hurt but me. I know my feelings are always appropriate (even when they aren’t) because they are feelings and I can’t control them. I also believe that in a relationship I have a right to honest communication. I have a right to know what is going on. But I didn’t ask. I just waited. I just sat there waiting and hurting. And then I start thinking about this underlying theory I have going in therapy. If I am missing some core ability to be alone, for me to be alone is insufficient. If I am looking for someone to act as a mother-figure stand in as far as being so close and so available and so intimate - ok, bullshit. I’m looking for someone to be co-dependant. I’m looking for someone who will NEVER leave me. I’m looking for a level of security that probably isn’t healthy for me or for him. I’m looking for a closeness that isn’t sustainable. And if that is what I seek above most else in my intimate relationships, then someone who draws away when something is hard, or bad, or sad is about as scary as it gets for me. It is threatening. It is the opposite of what I have always looked for. It doesn’t mean it’s not what I need, it means I am very, very uncomfortable. It means it’s really hard for me. And scary. It’s threatening and feels dangerous and it makes me feel all the shit that I have worked so hard to get under control.
What do I do with that? Do I look for someone who is less extreme, closer to what will be comfortable to me? Do I pull down a curtain and maintain a friendship, but close myself off to intimacy? I don’t know. I’m really not sure. Only just now do I feel like I understand what is happening. It’s a huge relief. I feel more in control now that I understand. I feel like I can begin to make choices. It took so long just to figure this out. It was so hard. What did I learn from it?
I’m glad I didn’t fuck anyone else. I’m glad I suffered through it, at least until I understood what I was feeling and why. I’m glad I didn’t attack him and blame him for my hurt. I’m glad of all that because now I can approach him without guilt - or at least not much guilt. Ha. Yeah, I still feel guilty, just for being angry with him, even if I didn’t ever tell him. You know a funny thing? I somehow knew this morning. I didn’t speak to him directly, I didn’t go to him and he didn’t come to me, but somehow I knew that today it would be better. I didn’t know it would be him for sure, but I knew it would be for me. No shit, within an hour of me realizing this he appeared - smiling. I believe in all that spiritual connection bullshit. I believe I am tapped into people in a pretty serious way. I can’t tell you anything about myself, but I have spent my life trying to understand and feel what other people feel. Trying to connect.
Anyway - lessons. He isn’t perfect. Far from it. He is deeply flawed. He has a lot of problems. In a lot of ways, he is just as extremely fucked up as I am. What do I want to do with that? I’m not going to save him. I need to save myself or the world will start spinning too fast. I need to keep my balance. But what do I do about him? I can already tell you that if he asks me to do something I will say yes. I would love to spend time with him. I don’t want to be in a group. I don’t want to watch him entertain and give everyone a smile or a joke to amuse. I want him to talk to me. I want him to engage with me. I want to watch him and him watch me. I want to be close again. But knowing that inevitably he will be gone, do I still want that? Knowing that he will stay separate from me, that I will lay in my bed alone wanting him and hurting, do I want it anyway? I honestly don’t know. I am so scared. I am so scared and so hurt still. SHIT. I wonder if he has any idea how I feel. Ha. That’s funny. I write about my “right to truthfulness and honesty” from him and I feel no reciprocal sense of obligation. Ha. I’m kind of an unfair asshole. My guy friends have been pointing that out. I expect him to ask me and invite me and come to me while I avoid and hide and sulk. Last night his close friend said flat out, “You should come and see him.”
“Why?”
“Because he fucking feels bad.”
“Look. I would love to be comforting and if we were just friends I wouldn’t hesitate. We are in this weird other place where I think he wants to solve his own problems and be all manly and come back feeling competent and together.”
“Hmm. You might be right about that. Hmm. I see what you’re saying. Fine, don’t baby him, but come by the fucking shop and talk to him.”
My other guy friend last night - “So… you KNOW he’s miserable?”
“Yeah, but he hasn’t told me that, I only know because his friend told me.”
“I see. So you know, but you won’t go ask him if he wants to talk or if he’s ok because he didn’t tell you that himself?”
“Yeah. I’m angry and hurt because he isn’t talking to me.”
“What the fuck!? He TOLD you he wanted to be better, to engage with you, but that he just couldn’t. He TOLD you he was feeling bad. What the fuck else is he supposed to do? You can’t respond to that by offering to talk or asking him if he is ok? I know you are trying to let him be all tough because he’s a guy, but he is also a person and people talk about what is going on with other people.”
“I…I guess I could do that.”
“No shit.”
Somehow I come out of this looking like I’m to blame even though I was SURE it was all his fault. Meanwhile he is likely completely unaware that I think there is any blame to be placed. Ok. So if he asks me out again and I accept, then I need to communicate how I’m feeling. Last time I did that and he responded really well. Last time I didn’t tell him how I felt or what I wanted him to do very clearly. I told him what he did wrong and he said he wouldn’t do it again. And admittedly that situation was different. But what do I say? Not the truth for godsake. Here’s how I imagine it -
He asks me out. We have a great time. He comes home with me and we have fantastic, hot, sweaty, sweet sex with lots of kissing with tongues. In the morning we are sipping coffee and I look kind of blurry eyed, but adorable and he is looking at me like I’m an angel. Then I explain to him that I don’t think I can do this with him any more. He looks very concerned and places his hand on my knee and asks why I would say that. I explain that I really like him and I really like what we’re doing, but I’m getting attached and it hurts me a lot when he disappears. I will tell him that I understand that he is kind of a loner and that he doesn’t want to be close with me, but that I do and I will just continue to want it more if I keep seeing him. He will scoot to the edge of his chair or maybe even kneel between my legs and hold my hands. He’ll look into my eyes and tell me that I’m mistaken. He’ll tell me that he does want to be close and he’s been afraid, but he can’t stop thinking about me and I’m perfect and everything he wants.
The problem with that is that I’ve told him how he feels again and when he just blinks at me in surprise I won’t ever know if I was right. I have to just tell him how I feel. How only I feel. Ok, try again.
“Mark, I don’t think I can keep doing this with you.”
“Drink coffee?”
“No, be in this weird limbo of friends who occasionally have sex. I am getting attached to you and I don’t want to be with anyone else and I want to be special to you. I don’t want to feel like you are going to just disappear.”
“I’m not going to disappear and you are special to me.” [He would say that]
“When you don’t talk to me for a week, that’s disappearing. It feels like that when you don’t talk to me for a few days, but I’m trying not to let my insecurities rule the day here. Everyone else talks to me at least every other day, so I don’t think I have unreasonable expectations. I just think you don’t want to do this with me. I think if you liked me enough you would just do this stuff automatically. And on my end that means that each day that you don’t do it, I’m thinking it is a clear message that you don’t think much of me. That’s what I don’t want to keep doing. I hate walking around feeling rejected most of the time.”
I think that’s pretty good. I’m never going to remember it all, but let’s just see if that’s still what I really want to say tomorrow. Gotta go. The work day is over and I’m going to drop in.