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Jul 13, 2009 17:07

I turned 32 today. I had a really wonderful first half and a disappointing second half. Disappointing isn’t all it was, I am glad for the clarity it provided, but it gives you an idea of the contrast. In the morning I wheeled a cartload and cooler full of food and blankets and water balloons and flowers and bubbles and dogs to the park. I set up barbeque chicken, salmon, pasta salad, asian coleslaw, forbidden rice salad, watermelon, apple tarts and birthday cake. I think 8 friends showed up in all. It felt like a good number. I was pleased. They brought me very thoughtful and sweet gifts. They came and played and gave me cards that I could tell they picked out carefully. None of my dishes were broken and at the end they helped me load it all up and I got it home with ease. Once home I packed up several servings of everything and took it to the shop where Mark and my friend were working. Neither of them had managed to attend the picnic, but they insisted that it had been very busy all day. I arrived and Mark came up and talked to me, but his attitude is different. It has been for the last week. Since I wrote that fucking card. He doesn’t try to impress me, he tries to act overly casual about everything I say. He tries to send a message like he doesn’t care one way or another. Nonchalance. And that frustrates and disappoints me. I waited for a full week for him to express some interest, to do something, to not pressure him and nothing came. He asks me to go to the coffee shop with him. We go and while we are sitting there I say, “Are you trying to date me?”
He turns to look at me with an expression like he wished I hadn’t asked him that question and he kind of can’t believe I would before saying, “Ha ha. You know what happened last time you asked me a question like that. You know I get all freaked out about this stuff. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I don’t know why we have to put a label on it, but I guess if we do, I mean we hang out. We are hanging out. We have a good time together, but let’s just see where that goes. Let’s just do that for a while.”
I didn’t say anything in response to that. My immediate reaction was to think he is a moron. I have no doubt that he likes me. I have no doubt that whatever he sees in me is more than he sees in the other people around him. He has said enough to me that I know he highly values me and not just physically. I also know he enjoys my company. He told me just today that he thinks I inject a sense of balance in his life. He says I am full of wonderment for the world and I’m joyful. He says he feels like I’m always talking him down off ledges. And this is the shit I get in return. This is what he is going to give me back. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves by suggesting that we are TRYING to date? What in Christ!? I have tried so hard to give him what he needs to be able to do this with me. I’ve tried so hard to be understanding and his response is THIS!?
He didn’t even get me a fucking card.
How come I end up feeling like I’m harassing someone who doesn’t like me in return? How come I feel like I am mooning over someone who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings?
Fuck. I was so excited about this. It’s not the end of the world. I have made big progress. I’m moving in the right direction. I did this pretty well. I’m ok with how I handled it. More than ok, I’m proud of myself. It’s time to give it up though. It’s weird how confident I feel that he is making a mistake. I don’t know why I feel like I can have any perspective on this, but I think I do. I look at his life and I see the events and activities and people moving through it and I think I am a bright spot. I think he is going to regret this.
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Here’s my problem with it.
1. While the only promise he really made was to not freak out and disappear again (which he is boarderline doing now) he was intimate with me. He was open and close and then he shut the door in my face. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was because he still goes through some of the motions, but it makes me angry and scared and frustrated and sad and I don’t know what to do about it.
2. You date someone to get to know them. To say, “We are dating” is to say, “I know I like this person and I’m going to actively invest a part of myself and my time into seeing how this relationship develops.” To say you are “hanging out” implies that the primary reason for doing any thing is because it’s convenient.
3. I let him in. I opened up and let him hold me while I was sleeping. I cooked him breakfast and told him my secrets. I was myself. I never, never do this and I did it with him and he shoved me away. I know he liked what he found. I know he did, it hurts anyway though.
Yesterday he said, “I’ve been throwing pebbles at your window at night, but you are never there.”
“That’s strange. I keep looking for you out my window and I never see you. I guess we keep missing each other.”
“Maybe I should throw harder.”
“I guess you should try something different.”
I live high up in an apartment building, there are no pebbles.
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