(no subject)
I think I’m having a romance. I mean, I think I might be dating someone. I haven’t been writing about it because it’s so enjoyable and easy going, but I think I need to be careful and journaling is so helpful to my thought process so here goes….
When I met him and he smiled at me I felt like I had been pinched. Or zapped with electricity. It wasn’t a kick in the stomach, it was pleasant and very unexpected. I met him when I first moved back here almost 6 months ago. I thought he has a nice smile and he makes me laugh, but I decided he wasn’t for me. I couldn’t tell you why I just thought that my instant reaction meant I should probably stay away from him (romantically) since I always pick so poorly. But I liked to be around him so we became friends. I would tell him all about bobwasb and my other exploits. He didn’t really seem to have much in the way of exploits but he did hook up with a girl and tell me about it. No details, but he told me that she was someone he had known a long time and now she wouldn’t take his calls. He seemed very bothered by it.
Bobwasb saw me talking to him and told me to stay away from him. He told me that we weren’t really friends and that this guy was just trying to get sex. But the guy never tried and he did seem to be giving me good advice and to be honest I think bobwasb may have been threatened. So me and this guy continued to spend time together. He never really made a move on me, but he would compliment my appearance and tell me I’m smart and that I’m a good friend and a good person. Once without thinking about it I leaned over and whispered in his ear and he turned and whispered back in my ear, “I don’t have anything to say I’m just whispering in your ear because it’s nice to be this close to you.” And even though we never even touch it didn’t make me uncomfortable. It just made me smile and not want to move away.
He owns a little shop in the neighborhood that he opened this winter. I took Em by to introduce him and when we walked out she said we had been flirting. I said we weren’t and she looked at me like I was crazy. I took my gay friend and when we walked out he said, “that guy likes you.” I said we were just friends. He and I would go out to dinner sometimes. The last time I was telling him about my subscription to eharmony. He told me to let my friend pick for me and say yes to everyone and then start throwing them out if they didn’t pay for my dinner. I said I didn’t think a guy needed to pay. He said, “Malevolentsule, your company is a pleasure. The least they can do is pay for your dinner. You are too nice. If they mess up one time throw them out!” And all the while I was asking him about dating and he was giving me good advice I was aware that I would rather spend my time with him and I enjoyed it, but I just kept telling myself that he wasn’t for me and I am not attracted to him. Then my friend said she thinks he’s cute and if she were single she would go for it and asked me why I hadn’t. I couldn’t give a single reason. I think mostly I just feel scared. I feel that if I pick someone that means there MUST be something horribly wrong with them. They must be mentally ill and/or abusive. She pointed out that I didn’t pick him. She pointed out that I was friends with him first and he is a good friend and that is exactly the way to do it. I blinked at her. I didn’t know what to say.
Then I started thinking about him when I tried to go to sleep at night. And all my thinking turned into fantasizing. I would lay in bed and think about what it might be like to have my friend in bed next to me or naked or touching me. And the more I thought about it the more natural it seemed.
I think he might have sensed my change. Or maybe he had been continually testing the waters all along, but last week he invited me to go to a concert. He got us tickets to a sold out show because he used to play with one of the band members. He waited outside for me. He bought my drink. He paid for the taxi. I kept offering, but he kept saying, “oh, no it’s cool, I got it.” At the end of the night we got out of the taxi and stood there awkwardly. He finally put his arms out to hug me and I stepped forward and we had our first hug. Ha. Can you believe it? 6 months for a hug! He knows how sexually liberal I am too. I think he might be intimidated, but maybe not. Honestly I don’t know what he’s thinking. I have caught him checking me out several times. I look him right in the eye and he just gets a big smile and I give him a big smile back. I like it when he looks at me. It makes me feel warm all over and I just can’t stop grinning at him like I’m loopy. And it seems like he grins back the same way.
So we went to a concert on Tuesday and on Thursday he invited me to a movie. We went and he paid for the taxi and the movie. I paid for the popcorn. We whispered in each others ears and half way through he got up and asked me if I wanted anything. He came back with slurpy. He offered me the first sip and I leaned over while he held the cup and putting my mouth on the straw and getting the sweet, cool slush when I was so close to him was extremely pleasurable. My skin was warming from being near him and he hardly has a smell at all, no cologne, just kind of - guy smelling. I couldn’t describe it, it’s just an awareness that he is near - maybe pheromones. It makes me feel calm and content. When I leaned back in my seat I snuggled down and just felt happy. After the movie he asked me if I wanted to get a drink. On the walk there we ran into a girl who had an unreal body. She was tall and lean with huge breasts and long blond hair. He waved and said hello - he knew her. I went instantly from feeling cute in my summer dress, sandals and pig tails to frumpy and childish. He invited her to join us. She came inside and it turned out she had just turned 19 years old (he is 37-38 I think). This great night was going downhill fast. I go to the bathroom and call my friend furious. I go back to the table and when he leaves for a minute I ask her how they met. She used to work there. She was a server. He recognized her from being a server and I think that was it. When he and I left before we even got to the exit he says, “I forgot how young she was.” I think it was a very polite ‘sorry’. We cabbed home and had another awkward parting. I was planning on him walking me home, but then he stayed in the cab and I got out so…nothing. I was all upset until I realized I had a wonderful time and there was no reason to rush into bed with him.
You don’t need all the details of every conversation, but the point is that I think we are transitioning from friends to more and it’s really fun. Tonight I’m going to try and kiss him.
My concerns are as follows: 1. I always pick poorly and I picked him so…? 2. I think he used to be a pretty serious partier, though he has made several comments to various people (yes, I spy on him) that he no longer does that stuff 3. I am thinking about him ALL the time. I think I should be thinking about me and cleaning my apartment and buying groceries for me and I don’t. I live in garbage, but when I think he might come over I clean and cook and the place looks great.
When I met him and he smiled at me I felt like I had been pinched. Or zapped with electricity. It wasn’t a kick in the stomach, it was pleasant and very unexpected. I met him when I first moved back here almost 6 months ago. I thought he has a nice smile and he makes me laugh, but I decided he wasn’t for me. I couldn’t tell you why I just thought that my instant reaction meant I should probably stay away from him (romantically) since I always pick so poorly. But I liked to be around him so we became friends. I would tell him all about bobwasb and my other exploits. He didn’t really seem to have much in the way of exploits but he did hook up with a girl and tell me about it. No details, but he told me that she was someone he had known a long time and now she wouldn’t take his calls. He seemed very bothered by it.
Bobwasb saw me talking to him and told me to stay away from him. He told me that we weren’t really friends and that this guy was just trying to get sex. But the guy never tried and he did seem to be giving me good advice and to be honest I think bobwasb may have been threatened. So me and this guy continued to spend time together. He never really made a move on me, but he would compliment my appearance and tell me I’m smart and that I’m a good friend and a good person. Once without thinking about it I leaned over and whispered in his ear and he turned and whispered back in my ear, “I don’t have anything to say I’m just whispering in your ear because it’s nice to be this close to you.” And even though we never even touch it didn’t make me uncomfortable. It just made me smile and not want to move away.
He owns a little shop in the neighborhood that he opened this winter. I took Em by to introduce him and when we walked out she said we had been flirting. I said we weren’t and she looked at me like I was crazy. I took my gay friend and when we walked out he said, “that guy likes you.” I said we were just friends. He and I would go out to dinner sometimes. The last time I was telling him about my subscription to eharmony. He told me to let my friend pick for me and say yes to everyone and then start throwing them out if they didn’t pay for my dinner. I said I didn’t think a guy needed to pay. He said, “Malevolentsule, your company is a pleasure. The least they can do is pay for your dinner. You are too nice. If they mess up one time throw them out!” And all the while I was asking him about dating and he was giving me good advice I was aware that I would rather spend my time with him and I enjoyed it, but I just kept telling myself that he wasn’t for me and I am not attracted to him. Then my friend said she thinks he’s cute and if she were single she would go for it and asked me why I hadn’t. I couldn’t give a single reason. I think mostly I just feel scared. I feel that if I pick someone that means there MUST be something horribly wrong with them. They must be mentally ill and/or abusive. She pointed out that I didn’t pick him. She pointed out that I was friends with him first and he is a good friend and that is exactly the way to do it. I blinked at her. I didn’t know what to say.
Then I started thinking about him when I tried to go to sleep at night. And all my thinking turned into fantasizing. I would lay in bed and think about what it might be like to have my friend in bed next to me or naked or touching me. And the more I thought about it the more natural it seemed.
I think he might have sensed my change. Or maybe he had been continually testing the waters all along, but last week he invited me to go to a concert. He got us tickets to a sold out show because he used to play with one of the band members. He waited outside for me. He bought my drink. He paid for the taxi. I kept offering, but he kept saying, “oh, no it’s cool, I got it.” At the end of the night we got out of the taxi and stood there awkwardly. He finally put his arms out to hug me and I stepped forward and we had our first hug. Ha. Can you believe it? 6 months for a hug! He knows how sexually liberal I am too. I think he might be intimidated, but maybe not. Honestly I don’t know what he’s thinking. I have caught him checking me out several times. I look him right in the eye and he just gets a big smile and I give him a big smile back. I like it when he looks at me. It makes me feel warm all over and I just can’t stop grinning at him like I’m loopy. And it seems like he grins back the same way.
So we went to a concert on Tuesday and on Thursday he invited me to a movie. We went and he paid for the taxi and the movie. I paid for the popcorn. We whispered in each others ears and half way through he got up and asked me if I wanted anything. He came back with slurpy. He offered me the first sip and I leaned over while he held the cup and putting my mouth on the straw and getting the sweet, cool slush when I was so close to him was extremely pleasurable. My skin was warming from being near him and he hardly has a smell at all, no cologne, just kind of - guy smelling. I couldn’t describe it, it’s just an awareness that he is near - maybe pheromones. It makes me feel calm and content. When I leaned back in my seat I snuggled down and just felt happy. After the movie he asked me if I wanted to get a drink. On the walk there we ran into a girl who had an unreal body. She was tall and lean with huge breasts and long blond hair. He waved and said hello - he knew her. I went instantly from feeling cute in my summer dress, sandals and pig tails to frumpy and childish. He invited her to join us. She came inside and it turned out she had just turned 19 years old (he is 37-38 I think). This great night was going downhill fast. I go to the bathroom and call my friend furious. I go back to the table and when he leaves for a minute I ask her how they met. She used to work there. She was a server. He recognized her from being a server and I think that was it. When he and I left before we even got to the exit he says, “I forgot how young she was.” I think it was a very polite ‘sorry’. We cabbed home and had another awkward parting. I was planning on him walking me home, but then he stayed in the cab and I got out so…nothing. I was all upset until I realized I had a wonderful time and there was no reason to rush into bed with him.
You don’t need all the details of every conversation, but the point is that I think we are transitioning from friends to more and it’s really fun. Tonight I’m going to try and kiss him.
My concerns are as follows: 1. I always pick poorly and I picked him so…? 2. I think he used to be a pretty serious partier, though he has made several comments to various people (yes, I spy on him) that he no longer does that stuff 3. I am thinking about him ALL the time. I think I should be thinking about me and cleaning my apartment and buying groceries for me and I don’t. I live in garbage, but when I think he might come over I clean and cook and the place looks great.