Merry SantAtlantis Audreysmagic
TITLE: Waited and Waited
AUTHOR: Santa
RATING: NC-17 McKay/Zelenka
DISCLAIMER: Not mine!
SUMMARY: It's always been him in danger before. He's never been the one left behind until now.
CHALLENGE: malesofatlantis SantAtlantis challenge 2007.
Many, many thanks to wordwitch who pointed out the big hole in my story...Thank you!
For: audreysmagic
Three Things I Want: Rodney/Radek, Carson, possession
Three Things I Don't Want: mpreg, rape, crackfic
Hopefully, I have fulfilled your wish! Have a wonderful Christmas :-)
Rodney stared down at the body on the infirmary bed. He had done this. He had been so busy glorying in his enhanced intelligence obtained from the ascension machine that he had not been paying attention. Instead, when John and Elizabeth had told him the truth, that he was in fact dying, he had allowed his own petty fears to distract him from the critical work he was performing in the Chair. By the time he realized the danger he had caused in parts of the city, it was too late for Radek.
Rodney kept his eyes on Radek, not needing to read the monitors or even Carson's thoughts to know his friend was dying for he could feel the pull of death in the body laid out before him. Almost in a dream, he watched Carson grab the defibrillator paddles and rub them together, yelling instructions to his medteam in a last ditch attempt to hold onto Radek's fading life but Rodney knew it wouldn't work, and so did Carson. The damage was too severe, the power surge destroying more than what was visible on the surface of Radek's skin, cauterizing its way through his body and out through his feet like a lightning bolt seeking ground.
He thought of his last words to Radek in the chair room, and of the unspoken words that kept Radek working on the ascension console long alone after everyone else had walked away. Radek's thoughts had been churning with fear, flashing through scene after scene of Rodney coming back through the Stargate injured, or hurting. Overlaying it all was a single thought....What will I do if I lose you?
It had been so easy to interpret that as purely professional, to see himself as the wind beneath Radek's wings, needing Rodney's brilliance in order to fly. Now, with every other thought driven out of Rodney's head by the sheer horror of what had happened, Rodney felt the truth smack him in the face, that he was loved, silently and unrequited.
As Carson called 'clear' and moved in, Rodney knew what he had to do.
"Move!" He stepped past the nameless medic, eyes fixed on Radek as Carson told him what he already knew, that Radek was dying. "No! Just give me a second, I know..." I know how to heal him; I know how to save him.
He reached out and yet inward at the same time. The tactile pleasure of Radek's warm skin beneath his hands, and the tickle of chest hair on his palms almost distracting him, forcing him to focus harder, deeper, drawing out the knowledge and energy from within his own mind and body. Heat. His hands were burning from the inside, pushing out the energy into Radek, his mind focusing on the damage and healing from the inside out, moving along burned pathways to renew tissue, sinew, muscle and bone, touching Radek more intimately than any lover and yet feeling so apart, so alone. He stepped back as Radek took that first new breath, too ashamed and too weakened from the healing to face his friend when Radek tried to sit up, asking what had happened to him.
Rodney retreated to his laboratory, ignoring Carson's concerned inner voice calling to him, and Elizabeth's, not wanting to stick around to accept any praise for merely fixing what he had almost destroyed with his arrogance. He didn't deserve their praise. He spent the first few minutes lost in thought, head in hands. It had always been him before. It had always been him taking the chances, risking life and limb on alien worlds, coming back bruised and broken, either physically or mentally. Radek was supposed to be safe here, or as safe as anyone could be in an alien city, situated in another galaxy populated by life-sucking vampires. It had been Rodney's duty to keep him safe, to keep all of them safe.
He looked up, full of renewed purpose. He could make amends by working on ways to keep them safe after he had gone.
Time lost true meaning as he worked on the calculations and code that would strengthen the Daedalus's shields and fix a dozen power leakage problems in Atlantis. He found a way to increase the shielding around the Puddlejumpers too, and a means to incorporate a hyperdrive so they were not so vulnerable when the Daedalus was out of range or in another galaxy completely. He searched hard through the database, suddenly understanding the seemingly random index system used but still he could not find the one thing that they needed more than anything, a means to manufacture their own ZPMs. He pushed that objective aside, wondering if the knowledge would come as he continued to evolve.
And then Elizabeth had come to him, holding out a shred of hope. Release your burdens, she had said.
He tried not to but he could read her thoughts telling him to seek out all those moments in his life that had filled him with shame, and make amends for all the pettiness, anger and arrogance. She told him to let go of all the negative thoughts that had held him back from true greatness. Yet he had to be honest with both himself and Elizabeth that he didn't want to ascend because everything he had ever wanted was right here in Atlantis. He wanted to stay here with his team, with Elizabeth and Carson, with all the incredible discoveries just waiting for him to find, and he wanted to share it all with Radek.
He'd overlooked the obvious though, that he could choose to come back in human form, though there was no guarantee that the ascended Ancients would send him back with his memories intact. Still it had worked for Daniel Jackson - twice - so maybe it could work for him too.
***
Radek could only gape at Rodney as he spoke the words he had longed to hear since the day he met this most infuriating man, but he could not help but wish the words spoken were of deeper things than professional courtesies and platonic friendship. Rodney was dying and part of Radek had hoped he would acknowledge Radek's unrequited love for him even as the very thought terrified him. He knew Rodney must have seen it, blazing like a neon sign in his mind every time he looked at Rodney, every time he thought about him. Even when he was annoyed with the man, Radek could not stop the love from shining through his exasperation. Yet Rodney had said nothing. He had praised his abilities, had thanked him for his friendship, had even asked forgiveness for the way he had treated him over the years but he had not given Radek one glimmer of hope that his love was returned.
He sighed, falling back on his mother tongue as he berated himself for fanciful dreams and hopes, and then he went back to work. Rodney was dying and, if ascension failed, then his only hope lay in uncovering the secrets of this console and seeing if they could undo the damage caused to Rodney's DNA.
He worked tirelessly for days, stopping only to eat and take short naps, wishing he could spend the time with Rodney but determined not to believe there was no hope despite everything he had discovered in the Ancient database so far. There had to be a way to fix this, to save the one man that he cared for most in two galaxies. He heard of Rodney's other attempts to 'release his burden', of how he had tried to make amends to others he may have hurt with his rudeness and sarcasm. Miko mentioned Rodney healing Ronon's scars, taking away the discomfort that had reduced his range of movement. Not that anyone would have noticed that slight disability other than Ronon and Carson, but Ronon had come in here earlier looking as if one burden had been taken off his shoulders, quite literally, even as Rodney's impending death added its own weight. Radek had heard about the tea ceremony too, and about Miko's bonsai tree and the small device Rodney had built that would clean Lorne's art brushes far better than any chemical, prolonging their life. Rodney had said or done something for Carson too, something that had the sensitive Scot crying softly, just like that time when they were forced to leave Atlantis to the Ancients, when he admitted he would miss Rodney.
Radek shook his head in remembrance of the shard of envy he had felt that day because Carson had revealed what he could not, had said what he could not say out loud.
"NO," He stated emphatically. He would not start to wallow in loss without making every effort to save Rodney. He would not stop seeking an answer until the last breath had left Rodney's body, until the last neuron had fired in that amazing brain, and those bright, inquisitive and gleaming eyes had closed forever.
He wasn't there when Rodney died, working until that last moment and he shook his head as he watched Ronon pull the wondrously alive man into his arms and slap him on the back. Trust Rodney to figure out a way to save himself, and trust him to wait until it was almost too late to come up with the solution.
Later, he watched from the shadows as Elizabeth was cornered into accompanying Rodney to the mess hall, waiting until they had left the room before stepping up to the whiteboards that had caused Rodney such a headache since his return to whatever passed for normal. The equations written across the boards were so advanced that they were incomprehensible. He doubted that any living creature in the known universe could decipher their meaning, not even the Asgard or the vainglorious Ancients who had taken away their home and exiled them back to Earth for almost two months before their lack of hubris saw their demise. Only someone ascended, or on the cusp of ascension would understand. Yet, here and there, he recognized fragments and, very carefully, he underlined those parts in a red dry marker. Perhaps they could go over those fragments tomorrow - together.
***
Radek adored the moments when he and Rodney were on the same wavelength, postulating theories, extrapolating data, building reality from dreams using their imaginations and mathematical insight. He loved the way Rodney's eyes went big and round when an idea struck him, that childlike intensity full of wonder and joy when something worked exactly the way they had both hoped. He loved the way Rodney would grab him at those times, hugging him, too caught up in the triumph of the moment to be guarded with his thoughts and feelings, and revealing everything that Radek had wanted for so long. Except the moment never lasted. Realization would flood in and the shields would go back up leaving him with the arrogant, defensive and petty Rodney, who would step away.
It was an exercise in frustration and, so many times, Radek had to bite his tongue for fear of saying something that might push Rodney even further away. Simply speaking, Rodney was not ready to admit to his feelings, or to act on them. Instead he continued to make plans with Katie Brown, going on awkward dates that mystified most people who knew the couple, due to the lack of intimacy between them. There were no public signs of affection; no hand holding, no kissing, no romantic gestures from Rodney, and he would almost forget who she was from one 'date' to the next.
One day, though, Radek thought. One day all the fear and pretence would fall away, along with all the reasons for refusing to acknowledge what they both wanted and needed. One day.
***
They lost Carson just a few months later, and on the return trip onboard the Daedalus, Rodney buried himself deep in his work, pushing away anyone who tried to get close because he could not keep doing this. He'd had so few true friends in his life that to lose even one was soul destroying, and there were times following Carson's death that he truly wished that he'd never been his friend, that he'd never opened up and allowed another person to settle so close to his heart. He knew it was unfair to those who had already slipped beneath his defenses but he needed to take a step back. The Daedalus psychiatrist had tried to dissuade him from putting back up his barriers but all Rodney could think was what if it was John next time, or Teyla, Ronon, or Elizabeth? What if it was Radek? He'd told him to give it time but Rodney had been back in Atlantis for two days now and had lost track of the number of times he'd had to choke back the sorrow as one thing or another reminded him of his lost friend.
He pressed the heels of his palms into his tired, gritty eyes and then sat up straight, hands dropping to his lap as he stared at the framed photo that someone had left on his bed for him to find when he returned from Carson's funeral on Earth. He recalled seeing it on Carson's bedside table and placing it into the box of possessions to be sent back to Earth with Carson's body, but he understood why it had not gone. The military style uniforms, and the sidearms they wore strapped to their thighs, would have raised too many questions from Carson's family. Strangely, he couldn't recall Cadman taking the photo but no one else had been with them at the time. He sighed despondently. If the wraith dart had not scooped him up along with Cadman then it might have been a great day though Radek's presence would have made it perfect.
Rodney picked up the photo and stared at Carson's smiling face, a moment captured in time forever, and he sighed raggedly as he thought of Radek keeping a silent vigil beside him all through the journey home. He never pushed too hard, and Rodney felt guilty because he knew Radek had been a good friend to Carson too.
Rodney could admit that he'd loved Carson, perhaps not in the heart stopping, lust-filled way that he adored Radek but, still, it was love. How had John put it? The way a friend loves another friend... or a brother. Family. Some part of him had hoped that he'd feel the same towards Carson's real family but, as wonderful as they were to him, it was hard talking to them when he had to keep so many secrets, adding to the stress of an already miserable day. Worse, he knew Radek was every bit as interested in him as he was in Radek for he'd read that much from Radek's thoughts all those months ago and still he had done nothing to encourage a deeper friendship.
He replaced the frame on the nightstand beside his bed. At least he was home now, back on Atlantis with its familiar walls and sounds and smells, even if everything here did remind him of Carson - or maybe because of that.
The chime of his doorbell brought his head up and Rodney debated whether he should answer or not when he was in such a low mood. For once it seemed unfair to inflict his sadness on those around him. The chime pealed again and, with a sigh of resignation, he thought the door open, turning his head to see who had disturbed his solitude. Rodney stood up quickly, his melancholy momentarily displaced.
"Zelenka! What's...?"
"You usually call me Radek these days."
The tenderness in Radek's voice threatened to overwhelm Rodney, and he slumped back onto the edge of the bed as the touch of wistfulness seeped through his already battered defenses. Part of him wanted to hold onto his tattered shields and keep Radek from getting too close but another small part of him had faced enough pain and loneliness in these past few weeks to last a lifetime. He knew the only reason why he and Radek were not more than friends came down to him. He knew Radek loved him and wanted him, and he knew he returned that love and desire despite every attempt to hide it behind a stagnant relationship with Katie. However, he also knew Radek would never say anything out loud, convinced that Rodney did not return his feelings. If they were ever to move beyond this platonic friendship into something deeper and more meaningful then it would be up to Rodney to make the first move.
Memories of Carson rose up in his mind and he could almost see the exasperation in his friend's eyes, and could almost hear him urging Rodney to take a chance on Radek, and on love. It was so tempting. All he had to do was stand up and reach out to the other man, to allow Radek to hold him, to kiss him. So easy when he knew he would not be rebuffed and yet it was still the most frightening step that Rodney had ever contemplated taking in his life. He wasn't a courageous man, though. No matter how many dangers he had faced on offworld missions, no matter how many times he had pulled their collective asses out of the fire at the last moment, he had never felt particularly brave, just scared but determined. Rodney frowned. Was this moment really any different?
He could sense Carson smiling at him in that fond way of his, could almost feel the hand drawing him to his feet and tugging him towards Radek.
"Katie is... She's really lovely. She is, but..." Why did this have to be so hard? He never managed to run out of words when sparring with Radek in the laboratories and yet here he was like a bumbling idiot. Radek looked back at him in mild confusion.
"But?"
"But I don't love her," he blurted out and Radek simply nodded as if he had suspected as much all along. "I..." He heaved a heavy sigh and straightened up, taking all his courage in his hands. "I love you."
Radek's eyes widened a fraction, and then a ghost of a smile lifted the corners of his mouth. "I know."
"You know?"
Of all the reactions he'd expected to get, this was so far near the bottom of the list that he had not truly contemplated it at all. If anything, he felt affronted that Radek had known of his feelings all along and yet had said nothing, waiting for him to speak up first. Before he could start in on a rant at Radek for wasting so much time, Radek held up a hand.
"You were not ready before. You had too many doubts, and too many reasons not to take the risk."
Rodney stared at him, wondering at how Radek could know him so well but it was all true. He hadn't been ready to commit to someone special, someone who completed him, smoothing the ragged surfaces of his soul. He was still uncertain if he was truly ready, afraid of putting all his heart into loving Radek and having it torn apart.
"And now?" He asked, hating the way his voice wavered.
Radek walked forward, quietly removing his glasses and dropping them carefully onto the desk in passing. He smiled as he reached out to stroke the side of Rodney's face with his thumb. "Now, you are ready." Leaning in, he pressed his lips to Rodney's, soft and gentle at first but deepening quickly, stealing any words of complaint in a hungry, all consuming kiss. Rodney moaned as Radek sucked on his tongue, feeling the scrape of sharp teeth while a hand pushed beneath his t-shirt, rough fingernails scratching across a nipple and sending a flare of desire straight to his already hardening cock. He jerked back, panting harshly, sucking in lungfuls of air as he gazed into heavy lidded eyes filled with desperate need, for once willing to admit that someone else was right, that Radek was right. He was ready for this, needed this almost as much as he needed air to breathe.
"This..." He pulled at Radek's blue science shirt. "Take it off."
"Always so bossy. Why did I think it might be so different in the bedroom?" Radek's smile took any sting from his words as he pulled off his shirt and cast it aside, his hands sliding back to Rodney's shirt and forcing it upwards. "Yes. You must do the same." He barely waited for the shirt to clear Rodney's head before he was pulling him in for another kiss, pressing his wiry but deceptively strong body against Rodney from thigh to chest, before pulling back just far enough to squeeze a hand between their bodies. Clever fingers worked at the fastenings of their pants until he had the restrictive material pulled out of the way and both of them in hand, hot and hard and ready. Rodney bowed his head to Radek's bare shoulder, hands splayed around the slim frame, feeling the ripple of lean muscle and tasting the clean sweat in open mouthed kisses as Radek's hand stroked them both to completion. He choked out his climax in a gasping sob that was muffled against Radek's bristle roughened throat, lips tingling and muscles melting.
They collapsed onto the bed, still wrapped around each other, uncaring of the semen rapidly cooling on their bellies as they burrowed closer, exchanging soft kisses and babbled words of want and need until finally they slept, safe in each other's arms.
***
Rodney awoke a few hours later feeling the cold along his naked back and ass despite the hot body plastered against his chest. Radek rolled to one side as Rodney shifted, and Rodney took advantage of the movement to slip off the narrow bed. He padded to the bathroom and wiped his sticky belly clean before dragging on his crumpled clothing. Once dressed, Rodney stood above the bed for several minutes, watching Radek sleep, seeing a new vulnerability in the man without his glasses to hide behind.
Moving swiftly through the corridors, he entered the transporter and selected one of the far-flung piers. It didn't matter which. It took him ten minutes to walk to the edge where he watched the sun slip towards the horizon, his mind finally quietened after weeks of pain and torment. It was cold, the wind pushing off the sea, ruffling his hair lightly but he felt a warmth along one side and smiled, knowing who it was even before Carson stepped up beside him. Logically, he knew Carson wasn't really there but it felt so real as they talked, feeling the weight lift from his shoulders as Carson absolved him of all guilt, and saying the 'goodbye' that he couldn't face back on Earth at the funeral. He stayed for a moment longer after Carson's presence had faded and then he turned back with a lighter heart.
A few people acknowledged him as he walked back through familiar corridors but Rodney refused to be drawn into any debate with them, quickening his steps as he drew closer to his quarters. He palmed the door and stepped inside, half afraid that Radek might have woken and left but he could see the paleness of naked skin in the dwindling light through the window as the day ended, and he smiled. Quickly, he stripped off his clothes, leaving them in a bundle on the floor, and slipped back into the bed.
Radek awoke with a start, blinking owlishly. He reached for Rodney and pulled him close, pushing one leg between Rodney's thighs and shuddering. "You are cold! Where did you go?"
"To the east pier."
A warm hand brushed at his cheek, thumb tracing over his smile. "Why?"
"Just saying goodbye to a friend."
Radek pulled him in tighter, understanding, and kissed him gently before pulling back a fraction. "Sleep now, yes? And I will wake you before life threatening health conditions overtake you, and we can get a late supper. Or we could eat now."
"My hypoglycemia is...Wait. What?"
He looked over Radek's shoulder and saw a tray ladened with sandwiches and dessert on the bedside table. Rodney sighed softly, lips quirking into a smile because it was plainly obvious now that Radek had awoken after he left their bed. Yet, instead of thinking the worst, he'd cleaned up and fetched them some supper, before slipping back into bed and waiting patiently for Rodney to return. Radek leaned up on one elbow, facing Rodney.
"Of course, you do not deserve this but I am a generous lover, yes?" Rodney raised a warning finger, waving it in Radek's smug face but it had no effect on Radek, lost beneath his boyish delight and in the love and tenderness shining in Radek's blue eyes, just for him.
"This once..."
Rodney reached over and grabbed a packet of sandwiches, tearing into the wrapping even as he wriggled into a seated position with his back against the wall. Radek sat up beside him, pressed in close because of the narrowness of the bed. He grabbed a packet too but opened his more carefully, managing only one bite in the time it took Rodney to finish his first half.
"...But if you think I'm going to get supper next time then..." He mumbled around the mouthful.
"Not to get too many crumbs in the bed, hmmm?"
Grumbling, Rodney pushed in the last bite and shook the covers to dislodge any potential crumbs. Then he eyed the desserts with a wicked smile. Radek let out a curse as Rodney dumped a large dollop of cold butterscotch pudding onto his furred chest, almost giggling girlishly when Rodney lapped it up moments later, intending to feed two hungers at once. By the time they brought each other to a mind blowing orgasm, they were both sticky with dessert, and Rodney knew he'd never be able to eat butterscotch again without the additional taste memory of Radek's release on his tongue.
THE END
AUTHOR: Santa
RATING: NC-17 McKay/Zelenka
DISCLAIMER: Not mine!
SUMMARY: It's always been him in danger before. He's never been the one left behind until now.
CHALLENGE: malesofatlantis SantAtlantis challenge 2007.
Many, many thanks to wordwitch who pointed out the big hole in my story...Thank you!
For: audreysmagic
Three Things I Want: Rodney/Radek, Carson, possession
Three Things I Don't Want: mpreg, rape, crackfic
Hopefully, I have fulfilled your wish! Have a wonderful Christmas :-)
Rodney stared down at the body on the infirmary bed. He had done this. He had been so busy glorying in his enhanced intelligence obtained from the ascension machine that he had not been paying attention. Instead, when John and Elizabeth had told him the truth, that he was in fact dying, he had allowed his own petty fears to distract him from the critical work he was performing in the Chair. By the time he realized the danger he had caused in parts of the city, it was too late for Radek.
Rodney kept his eyes on Radek, not needing to read the monitors or even Carson's thoughts to know his friend was dying for he could feel the pull of death in the body laid out before him. Almost in a dream, he watched Carson grab the defibrillator paddles and rub them together, yelling instructions to his medteam in a last ditch attempt to hold onto Radek's fading life but Rodney knew it wouldn't work, and so did Carson. The damage was too severe, the power surge destroying more than what was visible on the surface of Radek's skin, cauterizing its way through his body and out through his feet like a lightning bolt seeking ground.
He thought of his last words to Radek in the chair room, and of the unspoken words that kept Radek working on the ascension console long alone after everyone else had walked away. Radek's thoughts had been churning with fear, flashing through scene after scene of Rodney coming back through the Stargate injured, or hurting. Overlaying it all was a single thought....What will I do if I lose you?
It had been so easy to interpret that as purely professional, to see himself as the wind beneath Radek's wings, needing Rodney's brilliance in order to fly. Now, with every other thought driven out of Rodney's head by the sheer horror of what had happened, Rodney felt the truth smack him in the face, that he was loved, silently and unrequited.
As Carson called 'clear' and moved in, Rodney knew what he had to do.
"Move!" He stepped past the nameless medic, eyes fixed on Radek as Carson told him what he already knew, that Radek was dying. "No! Just give me a second, I know..." I know how to heal him; I know how to save him.
He reached out and yet inward at the same time. The tactile pleasure of Radek's warm skin beneath his hands, and the tickle of chest hair on his palms almost distracting him, forcing him to focus harder, deeper, drawing out the knowledge and energy from within his own mind and body. Heat. His hands were burning from the inside, pushing out the energy into Radek, his mind focusing on the damage and healing from the inside out, moving along burned pathways to renew tissue, sinew, muscle and bone, touching Radek more intimately than any lover and yet feeling so apart, so alone. He stepped back as Radek took that first new breath, too ashamed and too weakened from the healing to face his friend when Radek tried to sit up, asking what had happened to him.
Rodney retreated to his laboratory, ignoring Carson's concerned inner voice calling to him, and Elizabeth's, not wanting to stick around to accept any praise for merely fixing what he had almost destroyed with his arrogance. He didn't deserve their praise. He spent the first few minutes lost in thought, head in hands. It had always been him before. It had always been him taking the chances, risking life and limb on alien worlds, coming back bruised and broken, either physically or mentally. Radek was supposed to be safe here, or as safe as anyone could be in an alien city, situated in another galaxy populated by life-sucking vampires. It had been Rodney's duty to keep him safe, to keep all of them safe.
He looked up, full of renewed purpose. He could make amends by working on ways to keep them safe after he had gone.
Time lost true meaning as he worked on the calculations and code that would strengthen the Daedalus's shields and fix a dozen power leakage problems in Atlantis. He found a way to increase the shielding around the Puddlejumpers too, and a means to incorporate a hyperdrive so they were not so vulnerable when the Daedalus was out of range or in another galaxy completely. He searched hard through the database, suddenly understanding the seemingly random index system used but still he could not find the one thing that they needed more than anything, a means to manufacture their own ZPMs. He pushed that objective aside, wondering if the knowledge would come as he continued to evolve.
And then Elizabeth had come to him, holding out a shred of hope. Release your burdens, she had said.
He tried not to but he could read her thoughts telling him to seek out all those moments in his life that had filled him with shame, and make amends for all the pettiness, anger and arrogance. She told him to let go of all the negative thoughts that had held him back from true greatness. Yet he had to be honest with both himself and Elizabeth that he didn't want to ascend because everything he had ever wanted was right here in Atlantis. He wanted to stay here with his team, with Elizabeth and Carson, with all the incredible discoveries just waiting for him to find, and he wanted to share it all with Radek.
He'd overlooked the obvious though, that he could choose to come back in human form, though there was no guarantee that the ascended Ancients would send him back with his memories intact. Still it had worked for Daniel Jackson - twice - so maybe it could work for him too.
***
Radek could only gape at Rodney as he spoke the words he had longed to hear since the day he met this most infuriating man, but he could not help but wish the words spoken were of deeper things than professional courtesies and platonic friendship. Rodney was dying and part of Radek had hoped he would acknowledge Radek's unrequited love for him even as the very thought terrified him. He knew Rodney must have seen it, blazing like a neon sign in his mind every time he looked at Rodney, every time he thought about him. Even when he was annoyed with the man, Radek could not stop the love from shining through his exasperation. Yet Rodney had said nothing. He had praised his abilities, had thanked him for his friendship, had even asked forgiveness for the way he had treated him over the years but he had not given Radek one glimmer of hope that his love was returned.
He sighed, falling back on his mother tongue as he berated himself for fanciful dreams and hopes, and then he went back to work. Rodney was dying and, if ascension failed, then his only hope lay in uncovering the secrets of this console and seeing if they could undo the damage caused to Rodney's DNA.
He worked tirelessly for days, stopping only to eat and take short naps, wishing he could spend the time with Rodney but determined not to believe there was no hope despite everything he had discovered in the Ancient database so far. There had to be a way to fix this, to save the one man that he cared for most in two galaxies. He heard of Rodney's other attempts to 'release his burden', of how he had tried to make amends to others he may have hurt with his rudeness and sarcasm. Miko mentioned Rodney healing Ronon's scars, taking away the discomfort that had reduced his range of movement. Not that anyone would have noticed that slight disability other than Ronon and Carson, but Ronon had come in here earlier looking as if one burden had been taken off his shoulders, quite literally, even as Rodney's impending death added its own weight. Radek had heard about the tea ceremony too, and about Miko's bonsai tree and the small device Rodney had built that would clean Lorne's art brushes far better than any chemical, prolonging their life. Rodney had said or done something for Carson too, something that had the sensitive Scot crying softly, just like that time when they were forced to leave Atlantis to the Ancients, when he admitted he would miss Rodney.
Radek shook his head in remembrance of the shard of envy he had felt that day because Carson had revealed what he could not, had said what he could not say out loud.
"NO," He stated emphatically. He would not start to wallow in loss without making every effort to save Rodney. He would not stop seeking an answer until the last breath had left Rodney's body, until the last neuron had fired in that amazing brain, and those bright, inquisitive and gleaming eyes had closed forever.
He wasn't there when Rodney died, working until that last moment and he shook his head as he watched Ronon pull the wondrously alive man into his arms and slap him on the back. Trust Rodney to figure out a way to save himself, and trust him to wait until it was almost too late to come up with the solution.
Later, he watched from the shadows as Elizabeth was cornered into accompanying Rodney to the mess hall, waiting until they had left the room before stepping up to the whiteboards that had caused Rodney such a headache since his return to whatever passed for normal. The equations written across the boards were so advanced that they were incomprehensible. He doubted that any living creature in the known universe could decipher their meaning, not even the Asgard or the vainglorious Ancients who had taken away their home and exiled them back to Earth for almost two months before their lack of hubris saw their demise. Only someone ascended, or on the cusp of ascension would understand. Yet, here and there, he recognized fragments and, very carefully, he underlined those parts in a red dry marker. Perhaps they could go over those fragments tomorrow - together.
***
Radek adored the moments when he and Rodney were on the same wavelength, postulating theories, extrapolating data, building reality from dreams using their imaginations and mathematical insight. He loved the way Rodney's eyes went big and round when an idea struck him, that childlike intensity full of wonder and joy when something worked exactly the way they had both hoped. He loved the way Rodney would grab him at those times, hugging him, too caught up in the triumph of the moment to be guarded with his thoughts and feelings, and revealing everything that Radek had wanted for so long. Except the moment never lasted. Realization would flood in and the shields would go back up leaving him with the arrogant, defensive and petty Rodney, who would step away.
It was an exercise in frustration and, so many times, Radek had to bite his tongue for fear of saying something that might push Rodney even further away. Simply speaking, Rodney was not ready to admit to his feelings, or to act on them. Instead he continued to make plans with Katie Brown, going on awkward dates that mystified most people who knew the couple, due to the lack of intimacy between them. There were no public signs of affection; no hand holding, no kissing, no romantic gestures from Rodney, and he would almost forget who she was from one 'date' to the next.
One day, though, Radek thought. One day all the fear and pretence would fall away, along with all the reasons for refusing to acknowledge what they both wanted and needed. One day.
***
They lost Carson just a few months later, and on the return trip onboard the Daedalus, Rodney buried himself deep in his work, pushing away anyone who tried to get close because he could not keep doing this. He'd had so few true friends in his life that to lose even one was soul destroying, and there were times following Carson's death that he truly wished that he'd never been his friend, that he'd never opened up and allowed another person to settle so close to his heart. He knew it was unfair to those who had already slipped beneath his defenses but he needed to take a step back. The Daedalus psychiatrist had tried to dissuade him from putting back up his barriers but all Rodney could think was what if it was John next time, or Teyla, Ronon, or Elizabeth? What if it was Radek? He'd told him to give it time but Rodney had been back in Atlantis for two days now and had lost track of the number of times he'd had to choke back the sorrow as one thing or another reminded him of his lost friend.
He pressed the heels of his palms into his tired, gritty eyes and then sat up straight, hands dropping to his lap as he stared at the framed photo that someone had left on his bed for him to find when he returned from Carson's funeral on Earth. He recalled seeing it on Carson's bedside table and placing it into the box of possessions to be sent back to Earth with Carson's body, but he understood why it had not gone. The military style uniforms, and the sidearms they wore strapped to their thighs, would have raised too many questions from Carson's family. Strangely, he couldn't recall Cadman taking the photo but no one else had been with them at the time. He sighed despondently. If the wraith dart had not scooped him up along with Cadman then it might have been a great day though Radek's presence would have made it perfect.
Rodney picked up the photo and stared at Carson's smiling face, a moment captured in time forever, and he sighed raggedly as he thought of Radek keeping a silent vigil beside him all through the journey home. He never pushed too hard, and Rodney felt guilty because he knew Radek had been a good friend to Carson too.
Rodney could admit that he'd loved Carson, perhaps not in the heart stopping, lust-filled way that he adored Radek but, still, it was love. How had John put it? The way a friend loves another friend... or a brother. Family. Some part of him had hoped that he'd feel the same towards Carson's real family but, as wonderful as they were to him, it was hard talking to them when he had to keep so many secrets, adding to the stress of an already miserable day. Worse, he knew Radek was every bit as interested in him as he was in Radek for he'd read that much from Radek's thoughts all those months ago and still he had done nothing to encourage a deeper friendship.
He replaced the frame on the nightstand beside his bed. At least he was home now, back on Atlantis with its familiar walls and sounds and smells, even if everything here did remind him of Carson - or maybe because of that.
The chime of his doorbell brought his head up and Rodney debated whether he should answer or not when he was in such a low mood. For once it seemed unfair to inflict his sadness on those around him. The chime pealed again and, with a sigh of resignation, he thought the door open, turning his head to see who had disturbed his solitude. Rodney stood up quickly, his melancholy momentarily displaced.
"Zelenka! What's...?"
"You usually call me Radek these days."
The tenderness in Radek's voice threatened to overwhelm Rodney, and he slumped back onto the edge of the bed as the touch of wistfulness seeped through his already battered defenses. Part of him wanted to hold onto his tattered shields and keep Radek from getting too close but another small part of him had faced enough pain and loneliness in these past few weeks to last a lifetime. He knew the only reason why he and Radek were not more than friends came down to him. He knew Radek loved him and wanted him, and he knew he returned that love and desire despite every attempt to hide it behind a stagnant relationship with Katie. However, he also knew Radek would never say anything out loud, convinced that Rodney did not return his feelings. If they were ever to move beyond this platonic friendship into something deeper and more meaningful then it would be up to Rodney to make the first move.
Memories of Carson rose up in his mind and he could almost see the exasperation in his friend's eyes, and could almost hear him urging Rodney to take a chance on Radek, and on love. It was so tempting. All he had to do was stand up and reach out to the other man, to allow Radek to hold him, to kiss him. So easy when he knew he would not be rebuffed and yet it was still the most frightening step that Rodney had ever contemplated taking in his life. He wasn't a courageous man, though. No matter how many dangers he had faced on offworld missions, no matter how many times he had pulled their collective asses out of the fire at the last moment, he had never felt particularly brave, just scared but determined. Rodney frowned. Was this moment really any different?
He could sense Carson smiling at him in that fond way of his, could almost feel the hand drawing him to his feet and tugging him towards Radek.
"Katie is... She's really lovely. She is, but..." Why did this have to be so hard? He never managed to run out of words when sparring with Radek in the laboratories and yet here he was like a bumbling idiot. Radek looked back at him in mild confusion.
"But?"
"But I don't love her," he blurted out and Radek simply nodded as if he had suspected as much all along. "I..." He heaved a heavy sigh and straightened up, taking all his courage in his hands. "I love you."
Radek's eyes widened a fraction, and then a ghost of a smile lifted the corners of his mouth. "I know."
"You know?"
Of all the reactions he'd expected to get, this was so far near the bottom of the list that he had not truly contemplated it at all. If anything, he felt affronted that Radek had known of his feelings all along and yet had said nothing, waiting for him to speak up first. Before he could start in on a rant at Radek for wasting so much time, Radek held up a hand.
"You were not ready before. You had too many doubts, and too many reasons not to take the risk."
Rodney stared at him, wondering at how Radek could know him so well but it was all true. He hadn't been ready to commit to someone special, someone who completed him, smoothing the ragged surfaces of his soul. He was still uncertain if he was truly ready, afraid of putting all his heart into loving Radek and having it torn apart.
"And now?" He asked, hating the way his voice wavered.
Radek walked forward, quietly removing his glasses and dropping them carefully onto the desk in passing. He smiled as he reached out to stroke the side of Rodney's face with his thumb. "Now, you are ready." Leaning in, he pressed his lips to Rodney's, soft and gentle at first but deepening quickly, stealing any words of complaint in a hungry, all consuming kiss. Rodney moaned as Radek sucked on his tongue, feeling the scrape of sharp teeth while a hand pushed beneath his t-shirt, rough fingernails scratching across a nipple and sending a flare of desire straight to his already hardening cock. He jerked back, panting harshly, sucking in lungfuls of air as he gazed into heavy lidded eyes filled with desperate need, for once willing to admit that someone else was right, that Radek was right. He was ready for this, needed this almost as much as he needed air to breathe.
"This..." He pulled at Radek's blue science shirt. "Take it off."
"Always so bossy. Why did I think it might be so different in the bedroom?" Radek's smile took any sting from his words as he pulled off his shirt and cast it aside, his hands sliding back to Rodney's shirt and forcing it upwards. "Yes. You must do the same." He barely waited for the shirt to clear Rodney's head before he was pulling him in for another kiss, pressing his wiry but deceptively strong body against Rodney from thigh to chest, before pulling back just far enough to squeeze a hand between their bodies. Clever fingers worked at the fastenings of their pants until he had the restrictive material pulled out of the way and both of them in hand, hot and hard and ready. Rodney bowed his head to Radek's bare shoulder, hands splayed around the slim frame, feeling the ripple of lean muscle and tasting the clean sweat in open mouthed kisses as Radek's hand stroked them both to completion. He choked out his climax in a gasping sob that was muffled against Radek's bristle roughened throat, lips tingling and muscles melting.
They collapsed onto the bed, still wrapped around each other, uncaring of the semen rapidly cooling on their bellies as they burrowed closer, exchanging soft kisses and babbled words of want and need until finally they slept, safe in each other's arms.
***
Rodney awoke a few hours later feeling the cold along his naked back and ass despite the hot body plastered against his chest. Radek rolled to one side as Rodney shifted, and Rodney took advantage of the movement to slip off the narrow bed. He padded to the bathroom and wiped his sticky belly clean before dragging on his crumpled clothing. Once dressed, Rodney stood above the bed for several minutes, watching Radek sleep, seeing a new vulnerability in the man without his glasses to hide behind.
Moving swiftly through the corridors, he entered the transporter and selected one of the far-flung piers. It didn't matter which. It took him ten minutes to walk to the edge where he watched the sun slip towards the horizon, his mind finally quietened after weeks of pain and torment. It was cold, the wind pushing off the sea, ruffling his hair lightly but he felt a warmth along one side and smiled, knowing who it was even before Carson stepped up beside him. Logically, he knew Carson wasn't really there but it felt so real as they talked, feeling the weight lift from his shoulders as Carson absolved him of all guilt, and saying the 'goodbye' that he couldn't face back on Earth at the funeral. He stayed for a moment longer after Carson's presence had faded and then he turned back with a lighter heart.
A few people acknowledged him as he walked back through familiar corridors but Rodney refused to be drawn into any debate with them, quickening his steps as he drew closer to his quarters. He palmed the door and stepped inside, half afraid that Radek might have woken and left but he could see the paleness of naked skin in the dwindling light through the window as the day ended, and he smiled. Quickly, he stripped off his clothes, leaving them in a bundle on the floor, and slipped back into the bed.
Radek awoke with a start, blinking owlishly. He reached for Rodney and pulled him close, pushing one leg between Rodney's thighs and shuddering. "You are cold! Where did you go?"
"To the east pier."
A warm hand brushed at his cheek, thumb tracing over his smile. "Why?"
"Just saying goodbye to a friend."
Radek pulled him in tighter, understanding, and kissed him gently before pulling back a fraction. "Sleep now, yes? And I will wake you before life threatening health conditions overtake you, and we can get a late supper. Or we could eat now."
"My hypoglycemia is...Wait. What?"
He looked over Radek's shoulder and saw a tray ladened with sandwiches and dessert on the bedside table. Rodney sighed softly, lips quirking into a smile because it was plainly obvious now that Radek had awoken after he left their bed. Yet, instead of thinking the worst, he'd cleaned up and fetched them some supper, before slipping back into bed and waiting patiently for Rodney to return. Radek leaned up on one elbow, facing Rodney.
"Of course, you do not deserve this but I am a generous lover, yes?" Rodney raised a warning finger, waving it in Radek's smug face but it had no effect on Radek, lost beneath his boyish delight and in the love and tenderness shining in Radek's blue eyes, just for him.
"This once..."
Rodney reached over and grabbed a packet of sandwiches, tearing into the wrapping even as he wriggled into a seated position with his back against the wall. Radek sat up beside him, pressed in close because of the narrowness of the bed. He grabbed a packet too but opened his more carefully, managing only one bite in the time it took Rodney to finish his first half.
"...But if you think I'm going to get supper next time then..." He mumbled around the mouthful.
"Not to get too many crumbs in the bed, hmmm?"
Grumbling, Rodney pushed in the last bite and shook the covers to dislodge any potential crumbs. Then he eyed the desserts with a wicked smile. Radek let out a curse as Rodney dumped a large dollop of cold butterscotch pudding onto his furred chest, almost giggling girlishly when Rodney lapped it up moments later, intending to feed two hungers at once. By the time they brought each other to a mind blowing orgasm, they were both sticky with dessert, and Rodney knew he'd never be able to eat butterscotch again without the additional taste memory of Radek's release on his tongue.
THE END