(no subject)
I hate being confused. It just aggravates me when I don't know which way is the way I want to go. Dating Carrie has been a major role reversal for me and I'm not sure how well I am adapting to it. I like that she spoils me and wants to buy me things but on the other hand I want to be able to buy my own things too. It also bothers me that I don't make the kind of money that she does and so hence I can't buy her the kind of gifts that she does me. To her it's not important that I don't make as much and I know it should be the same for me as well... but it's just not. I feel that if I can't buy my own things than I am owned, not a free being. So a part of me wants to wait in really committing to her till after I finish my schooling. Then I can get a job were I make a lot more money and can afford to spoil her as much as she does me.
The other things that kind of makes me put on the brakes is that she is always talking about making me into a "lady"... what the hell exactly is a Lady and if she's talking I am going to have to behave like Mrs. Fucking Cleaver then she's going to be in for a big surprise. Accept me for who I am, thuggish attitude and all! Don't try to change me. I'm sick to death of people trying to change me. I can better myself educationally but don't think I'm going to act prim and proper so that I can mingle with the "Upper class" folk. I come from the streets and I'm not ashamed of were I am from or the life that I have lived. I may not be proud of all the things I have done but dammit I am not going to change the person I am now. I worked hard to be who I am and I refuse to change me. It's taken me a long time to love the person looking back at me in the mirror. I love me! :D This is me, take me for who I am.
I have only met one person that has accepted me for who I am. Dark and demented side and all and that was my buddy Vickie. She's never judged me, never tried to change me. She just lets me be me and I love her to death for that. *laughs* Why just the other day we were chatting about that very subject. She told me how she's let me get closer than anyone in her life because of the fact that I don't judge her. I accept her for her and nothing more. There is a Native Proverb that says that a true friend will take all the things that he knows about you and hold it in the palm of his hand like grain. He will see the good along with all the bad but he will toss it all to the wind and let the bad float away, catching only the good grain. This is how I live. This is what I believe. If you can't accept me with all the bad and the good together for that is what makes me who I am, than don't accept me at all.
Some of the other things that I need to vent out or at least get a load off is the subject of sunshine. I had the craziest dream about her last night. I dreamed that we were at my parents house together and I asked her to tell me honestly the real reason she broke up with me. What she said was probably the most shocking thing I have ever heard. She told me that she stopped dating me because she just couldn't see herself spending her whole life with someone that looked like a "nigger"! Don't ask me were the hell that came from!! I was so shocked that I had to ask her again to make sure I understood her correctly! That the reason she broke up with me was because I had dark skin?? When she agreed I turned around and said I was leaving. As I was walking away I saw my Coca Cola tray sitting on a table and I grabbed it and slammed it into the side of her head. I grabbed her by the hair and banged her head into the table. All the while telling her how can she expect me NOT to be angry at such a thing. That for six years she LIED to me about everything!! I woke up trying to choke my pillow. I don't really know what kicked that in but maybe my brain is trying to deal with something I'm not realizing. There is nothing worse than the unknown and that is basically what has happened here. She suddenly for no particular reason chose to no longer be with me and broke off the relationship as if it never happened. *shrugs* Either way, I have never slept so sweetly and soundly since she has left. My house is done and it's clean. I don't have to worry about her bitching at me or messing up the house with her filthy habits. I have come to the realization that her leaving me was the best thing that could have ever happened in my life!
Which moves me on to another subject. I now have the house to myself. I finally live alone again. I can't explain how nice it feels to say that. This is my house. My home. I share it with no one except my "boys". That would be Bruiser, Powder, Pinky and of course George. Ironically I seem to own nothing but male pets. Xena when she finally gets here will be the only girl other than me in this house. Later, only Bruiser and Pinky will be the only males that not fixed. I looked up a school here in San Jose that I am going to go check out in a few weeks to start attending classes for Massage Therapy. I know Carrie wants me to move out there and start then but I want to get my life on the move. I don't want to wait and see if this relationship is going to move forward till I go to school. I want to do it now. So that is what I am going to do. I know there is a driving school here to that is about a hundred or so bucks and they guarantee that you will pass your driver's test and I intend on doing that this coming week as well. On top of all that I have to go and make an appointment with the D.A. here and discuss the subject of the internet fraud that sunshine used Jessica's and my name in. I want to see what I can do about clearing up our names on this so that we are no longer "unfounded suspects" in it. With sunshine gone to unknown places I'm sure she has no intentions of paying it off anymore. I mean, it's not under her name why should she worry if someone else's neck is in the noose to do federal prison time for her stupidity. And if it means pressing charges against her for identity theft and fraud.... well then,... I guess that will be what I am going to do. I am no longer her escape goat and pansy. She's on her own and I am free of the bitch. I am going to move ahead with my life and as Carrie is always telling me, I am going to improve myself. *grins* And pray for the world for this Dragoness has spread her wings and is going to reap some havoc!!
The other things that kind of makes me put on the brakes is that she is always talking about making me into a "lady"... what the hell exactly is a Lady and if she's talking I am going to have to behave like Mrs. Fucking Cleaver then she's going to be in for a big surprise. Accept me for who I am, thuggish attitude and all! Don't try to change me. I'm sick to death of people trying to change me. I can better myself educationally but don't think I'm going to act prim and proper so that I can mingle with the "Upper class" folk. I come from the streets and I'm not ashamed of were I am from or the life that I have lived. I may not be proud of all the things I have done but dammit I am not going to change the person I am now. I worked hard to be who I am and I refuse to change me. It's taken me a long time to love the person looking back at me in the mirror. I love me! :D This is me, take me for who I am.
I have only met one person that has accepted me for who I am. Dark and demented side and all and that was my buddy Vickie. She's never judged me, never tried to change me. She just lets me be me and I love her to death for that. *laughs* Why just the other day we were chatting about that very subject. She told me how she's let me get closer than anyone in her life because of the fact that I don't judge her. I accept her for her and nothing more. There is a Native Proverb that says that a true friend will take all the things that he knows about you and hold it in the palm of his hand like grain. He will see the good along with all the bad but he will toss it all to the wind and let the bad float away, catching only the good grain. This is how I live. This is what I believe. If you can't accept me with all the bad and the good together for that is what makes me who I am, than don't accept me at all.
Some of the other things that I need to vent out or at least get a load off is the subject of sunshine. I had the craziest dream about her last night. I dreamed that we were at my parents house together and I asked her to tell me honestly the real reason she broke up with me. What she said was probably the most shocking thing I have ever heard. She told me that she stopped dating me because she just couldn't see herself spending her whole life with someone that looked like a "nigger"! Don't ask me were the hell that came from!! I was so shocked that I had to ask her again to make sure I understood her correctly! That the reason she broke up with me was because I had dark skin?? When she agreed I turned around and said I was leaving. As I was walking away I saw my Coca Cola tray sitting on a table and I grabbed it and slammed it into the side of her head. I grabbed her by the hair and banged her head into the table. All the while telling her how can she expect me NOT to be angry at such a thing. That for six years she LIED to me about everything!! I woke up trying to choke my pillow. I don't really know what kicked that in but maybe my brain is trying to deal with something I'm not realizing. There is nothing worse than the unknown and that is basically what has happened here. She suddenly for no particular reason chose to no longer be with me and broke off the relationship as if it never happened. *shrugs* Either way, I have never slept so sweetly and soundly since she has left. My house is done and it's clean. I don't have to worry about her bitching at me or messing up the house with her filthy habits. I have come to the realization that her leaving me was the best thing that could have ever happened in my life!
Which moves me on to another subject. I now have the house to myself. I finally live alone again. I can't explain how nice it feels to say that. This is my house. My home. I share it with no one except my "boys". That would be Bruiser, Powder, Pinky and of course George. Ironically I seem to own nothing but male pets. Xena when she finally gets here will be the only girl other than me in this house. Later, only Bruiser and Pinky will be the only males that not fixed. I looked up a school here in San Jose that I am going to go check out in a few weeks to start attending classes for Massage Therapy. I know Carrie wants me to move out there and start then but I want to get my life on the move. I don't want to wait and see if this relationship is going to move forward till I go to school. I want to do it now. So that is what I am going to do. I know there is a driving school here to that is about a hundred or so bucks and they guarantee that you will pass your driver's test and I intend on doing that this coming week as well. On top of all that I have to go and make an appointment with the D.A. here and discuss the subject of the internet fraud that sunshine used Jessica's and my name in. I want to see what I can do about clearing up our names on this so that we are no longer "unfounded suspects" in it. With sunshine gone to unknown places I'm sure she has no intentions of paying it off anymore. I mean, it's not under her name why should she worry if someone else's neck is in the noose to do federal prison time for her stupidity. And if it means pressing charges against her for identity theft and fraud.... well then,... I guess that will be what I am going to do. I am no longer her escape goat and pansy. She's on her own and I am free of the bitch. I am going to move ahead with my life and as Carrie is always telling me, I am going to improve myself. *grins* And pray for the world for this Dragoness has spread her wings and is going to reap some havoc!!