It's been a while...
Since I've blogged with any sort of dedication, wordiness or regularity. Between Mom's diagnosis and death less than a year and a half later, the absolute shit show that my life became after, the loss of several more family members, and trying to crawl my way out of the deep hole of depression I sunk into... well, it hasn't been pretty and it wasn't anything I was in any state of mind to try to blog about. Most days, the most writing I could manage was some RP tags, and even that was not as regular or as consistent as I would have wanted.
Life isn't perfect right now by any means, but things are a ton better, and I can finally see light, instead of just seeing an occasional glimmer at the end of a very long, steep tunnel. I want to write again. I want to get these things out of my head and someplace where they might do me, or anyone else, some good.
So, to kind of summarize where the last four years has gone:
•Mom was diagnosed with cancer in Sept 2012. Despite being fairly healthy at the start, her health declined pretty steadily afterwards. Partly because of the chemo pill they gave her, which turned out to eat away at heart muscle, so she suffered from about four or so heart attacks, several blood clots, and in the end, decided to stop taking the chemo pills, since the risk of a heart attack or death from a clot became higher than the cancer killing her. She managed to make two more Christmases with us, and was put on hospice in early January 2014. Less than 12 hours later, she died on Jan. 4th. She was 66 and she missed her birthday by eight days.
•Unbeknownst to me, until a couple of months ago, a month later, in Feb 2014, my aunt from Virginia died as well. We weren't close, but she was my Dad's only sister.
•After moving my mother's caretaker into her house a week after she died, my stepfather started up (or had already started, the details remain vague) a relationship with this woman who had been such a good support for my mother. Supposedly Mom approved. Knowing her, she probably did, although if she'd known how it would turn out... anyways. Either because of grief, cowardice, or a reluctance to make waves, my brother and I more or less sat back and let my stepfather ruin our inheritance, steal my mother's shit out from under us, and then he had the audacity to change his will and cut us out of it, a week before he died in March of this year. Left it all to her. Took her two days to even tell us he was dead. In a huge bout of not-surprised, we haven't heard from her since. Not even for any sort of funeral or memorial. Fuck him. Karma's a bitch, asshole.
•Due to some drama at Christmas right before Mom died, and a scene she caused at the viewing, Grandma and I stopped talking, which lasted pretty much right up to her finally being diagnosed for the dementia she's had for years and had taken a sharp decline after my Mom's death. She gave power of attorney to some friends of hers, and more or less cut my brother and I out of her lives, or didn't know enough to keep us in. She was put in a home in March of this year and died on Oct 1st, this year. I have a lot of regrets and anger and unresolved bullshit that's going to stay unresolved now, obviously. She did not cut us out of the will, but that's all tangled up in legal stuff at the moment, so... Not counting any eggs in any baskets. I learned from Mom's death.
•A long, year and a half situation at work, that started up just when I came back from after Mom's death, resulted in taking what was already a dangerously depressed individual, and pulling out the rug from under her. My sense of self-worth, humanity, and any ability to relax or feel comfortable around my co-workers was utterly destroyed, and to make a very long story short, I ended up depressed and thinking about suicide multiple times a week, going so far as to write several notes, until I finally ended up in counseling and on anti-depressants.
•That wasn't a fix-all, of course, and what was a major contributing factor to my depression and lack of self care was the place where I was living and the dangerously unhealthy conditions that existed there. Without going into gross details, I could have easily been featured on an episode of Hoarders. Not surprisingly, management took objection, and gave me two months notice to move out in the beginning of June this year. Cue the fucking panic. Panic where I managed to pay almost $4000 for a service to come help me clean the worst of it, but I still had to pack and find a place to live, and as the time counted down, less and less got done and I got more and more anxious. Finally, about a week before I had to be out, and still sitting in an only half packed apartment, I called a friend, D-, cried like a baby, and got reminded, in a bold, beautiful way, that I did still have friends, people who loved me, who wanted me to be happy, and were just waiting for me to ask. Those friends got me packed and moved out into D-'s house in two days, and I got to give a great big fuck you to that hellhole and nearly floated out when that burden was finally off my shoulders.
•I'm entering what I've begun to call, the last year or so, Hell Month. Where Thanksgiving heralds the reminder that my Father died just a few days after it. I spent the 27th curled up in bed with a raging headache, and a bitchy attitude, with patience for no one and no thing, including myself. Luckily my housemate was forewarned and left me to it until I came out of hiding later that night. His birthday is the 3rd, but I made plans for something fun on the 4th, and I am promising myself that I am going to embrace and enjoy the Christmas holidays this year, because my parents would NOT want me to sit here and feel sorry for myself every year. I have love to give. I have friends, and my brother and his family. I have people to celebrate with. I deserve it. But it is hard having those two dates so close together. 26 years without Daddy, and soon to be three years without Mom.
•Four months later and my life has made a huge turn around for the better. It's not perfect yet- I'm still living at D-'s house, and I miss my own space (AND FAST INTERNET, omg fuck satellite internet, so sloooowwww), and I have ideas for decorating and nesting and settling that I want to do, but in the meantime, I'm in a comfortable, clean, nice house, with a friend who cares about me and has supported me and has enabled me to get back up on my own feet, do my own things, and remember who I am, without judgement or censure. While the anxiety isn't gone, and I still have bad days, they are outnumbered by the good. And I'm going to decorate for Christmas for the first time in eight years and I'm actually excited about it.
•I spent almost a whole one of those months on vacation, half of it visiting
lorax, and it was wonderful, and I am STILL pretty relaxed and happy, even though I went back to work this last weekend. People tell me I have apparently lost weight (which is probably partly because I'm getting out of the house more now, and that I have to get up and down stairs to get to my bedroom. Stupid, helpful stairs.), and I have bought more clothing for myself in the last four months than I probably have in the last four years. Cute clothes, even. Cozy sweaters, and cute tops and lots of colorful panties, and let me tell you, while I'm not going near any runways any time soon, I FEEL good about myself, and that is... a very nice change. I actually said something at work the other night about being "Too cute and fabulous for this BS right now" and I MEANT it.
•There's more to do. There's stuff I still have to handle. There's things I'm still putting off, and things I need to look after. But they no longer feel like insurmountable, impossible, herculean tasks. They're Adulting Things I got to get done at some point, and that's all. It feels, for the first time in almost a decade, like I am someone I can be proud of again.
•Man. Don't even get me started on this fucking election, okay? I felt the Bern. And now I need some ointment for the orange rash that's turned up.
TL:DR - 2012 to 2016 has been some SHITTY years (especially you, 2016, yes I'm looking at you), but being 40 is turning out to be pretty fabulous.
I'd like to keep blogging. I don't know if I will. I've stopped making promises I don't know if I can keep. But we'll see. ;)
This entry originally posted at bansidhe @ dreamwidth , where
comments have been posted.
Life isn't perfect right now by any means, but things are a ton better, and I can finally see light, instead of just seeing an occasional glimmer at the end of a very long, steep tunnel. I want to write again. I want to get these things out of my head and someplace where they might do me, or anyone else, some good.
So, to kind of summarize where the last four years has gone:
•Mom was diagnosed with cancer in Sept 2012. Despite being fairly healthy at the start, her health declined pretty steadily afterwards. Partly because of the chemo pill they gave her, which turned out to eat away at heart muscle, so she suffered from about four or so heart attacks, several blood clots, and in the end, decided to stop taking the chemo pills, since the risk of a heart attack or death from a clot became higher than the cancer killing her. She managed to make two more Christmases with us, and was put on hospice in early January 2014. Less than 12 hours later, she died on Jan. 4th. She was 66 and she missed her birthday by eight days.
•Unbeknownst to me, until a couple of months ago, a month later, in Feb 2014, my aunt from Virginia died as well. We weren't close, but she was my Dad's only sister.
•After moving my mother's caretaker into her house a week after she died, my stepfather started up (or had already started, the details remain vague) a relationship with this woman who had been such a good support for my mother. Supposedly Mom approved. Knowing her, she probably did, although if she'd known how it would turn out... anyways. Either because of grief, cowardice, or a reluctance to make waves, my brother and I more or less sat back and let my stepfather ruin our inheritance, steal my mother's shit out from under us, and then he had the audacity to change his will and cut us out of it, a week before he died in March of this year. Left it all to her. Took her two days to even tell us he was dead. In a huge bout of not-surprised, we haven't heard from her since. Not even for any sort of funeral or memorial. Fuck him. Karma's a bitch, asshole.
•Due to some drama at Christmas right before Mom died, and a scene she caused at the viewing, Grandma and I stopped talking, which lasted pretty much right up to her finally being diagnosed for the dementia she's had for years and had taken a sharp decline after my Mom's death. She gave power of attorney to some friends of hers, and more or less cut my brother and I out of her lives, or didn't know enough to keep us in. She was put in a home in March of this year and died on Oct 1st, this year. I have a lot of regrets and anger and unresolved bullshit that's going to stay unresolved now, obviously. She did not cut us out of the will, but that's all tangled up in legal stuff at the moment, so... Not counting any eggs in any baskets. I learned from Mom's death.
•A long, year and a half situation at work, that started up just when I came back from after Mom's death, resulted in taking what was already a dangerously depressed individual, and pulling out the rug from under her. My sense of self-worth, humanity, and any ability to relax or feel comfortable around my co-workers was utterly destroyed, and to make a very long story short, I ended up depressed and thinking about suicide multiple times a week, going so far as to write several notes, until I finally ended up in counseling and on anti-depressants.
•That wasn't a fix-all, of course, and what was a major contributing factor to my depression and lack of self care was the place where I was living and the dangerously unhealthy conditions that existed there. Without going into gross details, I could have easily been featured on an episode of Hoarders. Not surprisingly, management took objection, and gave me two months notice to move out in the beginning of June this year. Cue the fucking panic. Panic where I managed to pay almost $4000 for a service to come help me clean the worst of it, but I still had to pack and find a place to live, and as the time counted down, less and less got done and I got more and more anxious. Finally, about a week before I had to be out, and still sitting in an only half packed apartment, I called a friend, D-, cried like a baby, and got reminded, in a bold, beautiful way, that I did still have friends, people who loved me, who wanted me to be happy, and were just waiting for me to ask. Those friends got me packed and moved out into D-'s house in two days, and I got to give a great big fuck you to that hellhole and nearly floated out when that burden was finally off my shoulders.
•I'm entering what I've begun to call, the last year or so, Hell Month. Where Thanksgiving heralds the reminder that my Father died just a few days after it. I spent the 27th curled up in bed with a raging headache, and a bitchy attitude, with patience for no one and no thing, including myself. Luckily my housemate was forewarned and left me to it until I came out of hiding later that night. His birthday is the 3rd, but I made plans for something fun on the 4th, and I am promising myself that I am going to embrace and enjoy the Christmas holidays this year, because my parents would NOT want me to sit here and feel sorry for myself every year. I have love to give. I have friends, and my brother and his family. I have people to celebrate with. I deserve it. But it is hard having those two dates so close together. 26 years without Daddy, and soon to be three years without Mom.
•Four months later and my life has made a huge turn around for the better. It's not perfect yet- I'm still living at D-'s house, and I miss my own space (AND FAST INTERNET, omg fuck satellite internet, so sloooowwww), and I have ideas for decorating and nesting and settling that I want to do, but in the meantime, I'm in a comfortable, clean, nice house, with a friend who cares about me and has supported me and has enabled me to get back up on my own feet, do my own things, and remember who I am, without judgement or censure. While the anxiety isn't gone, and I still have bad days, they are outnumbered by the good. And I'm going to decorate for Christmas for the first time in eight years and I'm actually excited about it.
•I spent almost a whole one of those months on vacation, half of it visiting
lorax, and it was wonderful, and I am STILL pretty relaxed and happy, even though I went back to work this last weekend. People tell me I have apparently lost weight (which is probably partly because I'm getting out of the house more now, and that I have to get up and down stairs to get to my bedroom. Stupid, helpful stairs.), and I have bought more clothing for myself in the last four months than I probably have in the last four years. Cute clothes, even. Cozy sweaters, and cute tops and lots of colorful panties, and let me tell you, while I'm not going near any runways any time soon, I FEEL good about myself, and that is... a very nice change. I actually said something at work the other night about being "Too cute and fabulous for this BS right now" and I MEANT it.
•There's more to do. There's stuff I still have to handle. There's things I'm still putting off, and things I need to look after. But they no longer feel like insurmountable, impossible, herculean tasks. They're Adulting Things I got to get done at some point, and that's all. It feels, for the first time in almost a decade, like I am someone I can be proud of again.
•Man. Don't even get me started on this fucking election, okay? I felt the Bern. And now I need some ointment for the orange rash that's turned up.
TL:DR - 2012 to 2016 has been some SHITTY years (especially you, 2016, yes I'm looking at you), but being 40 is turning out to be pretty fabulous.
I'd like to keep blogging. I don't know if I will. I've stopped making promises I don't know if I can keep. But we'll see. ;)
This entry originally posted at bansidhe @ dreamwidth , where
comments have been posted.