I feel crazy --read at own risk.
Random un-coolness hapened today with Troy. Long story short? I was awakened at 8 am and haven't really stopped crying since. Work was completely weird. I felt disconnected from my brain. I still do. I want to cry again but I won't let myself. It will only make my head hurt more. We had sex before he left, before we talked about what we were and how this was going to go.
Before I told him "I'll just be your girliefriend who sometimes does stuff for you" to which he replied,
"Yeah, maybe that's waht I need."
"Does this girliefriend get to kiss you still"
"For now she does."
What I'm reeling from is not whether we're going to get back together, I still have to do some thinking on that. What I'm reeling from is the fact that he would say that after sex. That after what we had done, he'd still consider not being with me. Granted, I'm not giving all the gory details of what happened, but it's really cruel to do that and then give the woman you claim to love any doubt that things won't get better from here.
I cannot be simply friends with Troy. He's not the guy I want to be friends with. I couldn't sit or stand or see him without wanting to kiss him, hold him, tell him I loved him in more than a friendly way. I'd still get the butterflies for him, still get faint when I smell him and still want to jump into bed with him, which i've been told is not something that friends do. Friends don't see eachother every day. Friends don't sleep in the same bed. Friends don't start crying if they imagine seeing their friend with another person. Friends don't cringe at the thought that their friend could be thinking of being intimate with someone else. Friends don't want that intimate person to be them. (in general here)
I just couldn't be his friend. That would be the one thing that would hurt more than any other. It's one thing to never see the man you loved again. He's gone. There's no way you can get back with him, you can dream of it, or hope, but it's not gonna happen. To be his friend after all that's happened between us, It'd be like salt or acid or a fucking crossbow every time I saw him and KNEW for certain that it wasn't going to happen. That I fucked up (YES it was my fault. I suck. I'm shit. I'm so very sorry...) and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I couldn't watch him move on, or hear about him having interest in someone else, even if it was just sexually. I'd be jealous of every woman that he ever talked to. I'd want to catfight every woman he looked at a fraction of the way he looked at me.
That's why I didn't call. That's why I convinced myself before you came back for you laundry that you were gone. That's why I didn't pick up the phone. You weren't here to hear the cries and sobs that came out of me when I heard that phone. You didn't hear the pain when I yelled at it to leave me alone. Please, all I wanted was for it to leave me alone. The only man I had ever really trusted before you was my brother, Chris. Before you, men were games. I hurt the man I love, splattered him into a thousand tiny pieces. I wasn't happy about it. I wasn't ready for it. I admitted to something terrible. I was scared and my worst fears came true, not to mention some of yours. I couldn't hold on to you, part of me didn't want to because I knew you had a right to act the way you did. I deserved every outlash and hurtful word. I deserved for you to come back to my house and torture me by being there. I deserve every uneasy feeling you'll have and every insinuation you'll make. I deserve every barrage of questions and every time you don't believe me, I'll know I made that happen. It will be no one's fault but mine.
That is if you take me back, If you'll have me. I really don't want to foulness of what I talked about in the beginning, to be the end of our relationship. I would really like to believe that you still want to go to Chicago with me on Monday. I would really like to believe that I'll be able to kiss you and hold you and love you, knowing that you want me to and you want to do the same for me. I want to believe that when I tell you what I want on Monday you won't tell me the opposite. I really can't imagine my life without you in it. I mean that, with every shaky muscle in my body. I'm sorry Troy. I'm so very sorry. It will take time, but I hope you'll be able to see that.
All my love,
Danielle
Before I told him "I'll just be your girliefriend who sometimes does stuff for you" to which he replied,
"Yeah, maybe that's waht I need."
"Does this girliefriend get to kiss you still"
"For now she does."
What I'm reeling from is not whether we're going to get back together, I still have to do some thinking on that. What I'm reeling from is the fact that he would say that after sex. That after what we had done, he'd still consider not being with me. Granted, I'm not giving all the gory details of what happened, but it's really cruel to do that and then give the woman you claim to love any doubt that things won't get better from here.
I cannot be simply friends with Troy. He's not the guy I want to be friends with. I couldn't sit or stand or see him without wanting to kiss him, hold him, tell him I loved him in more than a friendly way. I'd still get the butterflies for him, still get faint when I smell him and still want to jump into bed with him, which i've been told is not something that friends do. Friends don't see eachother every day. Friends don't sleep in the same bed. Friends don't start crying if they imagine seeing their friend with another person. Friends don't cringe at the thought that their friend could be thinking of being intimate with someone else. Friends don't want that intimate person to be them. (in general here)
I just couldn't be his friend. That would be the one thing that would hurt more than any other. It's one thing to never see the man you loved again. He's gone. There's no way you can get back with him, you can dream of it, or hope, but it's not gonna happen. To be his friend after all that's happened between us, It'd be like salt or acid or a fucking crossbow every time I saw him and KNEW for certain that it wasn't going to happen. That I fucked up (YES it was my fault. I suck. I'm shit. I'm so very sorry...) and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I couldn't watch him move on, or hear about him having interest in someone else, even if it was just sexually. I'd be jealous of every woman that he ever talked to. I'd want to catfight every woman he looked at a fraction of the way he looked at me.
That's why I didn't call. That's why I convinced myself before you came back for you laundry that you were gone. That's why I didn't pick up the phone. You weren't here to hear the cries and sobs that came out of me when I heard that phone. You didn't hear the pain when I yelled at it to leave me alone. Please, all I wanted was for it to leave me alone. The only man I had ever really trusted before you was my brother, Chris. Before you, men were games. I hurt the man I love, splattered him into a thousand tiny pieces. I wasn't happy about it. I wasn't ready for it. I admitted to something terrible. I was scared and my worst fears came true, not to mention some of yours. I couldn't hold on to you, part of me didn't want to because I knew you had a right to act the way you did. I deserved every outlash and hurtful word. I deserved for you to come back to my house and torture me by being there. I deserve every uneasy feeling you'll have and every insinuation you'll make. I deserve every barrage of questions and every time you don't believe me, I'll know I made that happen. It will be no one's fault but mine.
That is if you take me back, If you'll have me. I really don't want to foulness of what I talked about in the beginning, to be the end of our relationship. I would really like to believe that you still want to go to Chicago with me on Monday. I would really like to believe that I'll be able to kiss you and hold you and love you, knowing that you want me to and you want to do the same for me. I want to believe that when I tell you what I want on Monday you won't tell me the opposite. I really can't imagine my life without you in it. I mean that, with every shaky muscle in my body. I'm sorry Troy. I'm so very sorry. It will take time, but I hope you'll be able to see that.
All my love,
Danielle