Things falling apart.
I've been pretty much done with livejournal for a year now, and I can't relate to anything written in here due to the amount of change I've gone through in that year, but while I'm here I might as well let out some demons at least to show Marissa I'm still alive.
There's really no point in summarizing the events that have happened in the interim, it would only make this entry sound as riddled with angst and complaints as it began, so I'll start with right now.
RIght now I'm at my college's computer lab, which is unusual because I have all but given up on college this semester, I don't think I've attended a class in a month. I've never been a good student I've realized, I excelled at high school because I am naturally very smart, but I have no patience for the tedious nature of college schooling. I've been a full time student since the age of four and I really can't bear much more of it. It's not that I don't appreciate learning, but I feel like I am wasting my time with college if my real goal is to learn. College is for people that need a piece of paper that shows they've accomplished the minimum manditory hour of inane lectures and busy-work papers because they believe it is the only way they can proceed in life. The only reasons I've stayed with it thus far is for the free health insurance and to avoid my mother's disappointment.
Right now I'm torn. I feel alone here in Los Angeles, once again. Despite making a multitude of friends in the past few months, none of them seem to be of any real substance here, and I feel like I may be wasting my time here. I know for sure that I haven't been capitalizing on what LA has to offer, but I also lack the available funds or precious free time to do such things even when the ambition is there. The frightening part is that the logical next place to go would be to return to Rochester, which is no longer my home. I do have a few wonderful friends there, but I could never stay long. I've always wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest but I don't think I could go from here to there without returning to Rochester first to regroup and get myself together first.
Right now I have a million different things running through my head. I have been in love with the same girl since early March, and it's never faltered. There have been definite ups and downs through the year, and after a month and a half of not speaking to her her around September and October, I healed a lot, maybe we both did, and realized just how much I wanted her in my life. Right now I'm confused by it all though, it could all just be the product of my own shattered trust, but I feel like everything is so hot and cold with her. Some days she seems like she has the same thing in mind as I do, others she is very withdrawn and avoids conversation. Although we aren't together any longer and thus no longer "her guy", I can't help but feeling as though there is someone else, at least recently. I've been known to conjure up my own worst fears in my head, and I'd like to believe that is what is happening, but I still wish I could get some reassurance from her. It's a little frightening considering how unwavering my love has been all year for her that after our interlude of not speaking I began to become comfortable with the idea that we may never be together again, and last night for the first time I felt as though I was really being turned away from her, on my own accord, and contemplated if I would be able to walk away from my love for her completely to accept the affection of a girl who I know wants to give it to me. By this morning I realized that isn't what I want, but I still wish I could get her to tell me her true feelings and alleviate some of this emotional torture.
Right now is all about what if's, it seems.