1. The colonies were lead by a bunch of rich families - like the Winners. Should be 'led.'
2. The narrative voice in this chapter feels different from the others -- not bad, just less terse. Maybe there are more commas?
3. It's probably just me being hypersensitive, but it feels like there's a logical gap between 'That would be why Ravachol had shown up solo instead of Mako and a dozen thugs,' and 'Wufei wasn't sure how much that protection was worth.' Clearly the protection is worth Ravachol showing up alone. Maybe something like, 'Wufei wasn't sure how much more that protection was worth,' or just cut to 'But Wufei wasn' about to leave Duo...' etc.? Also, did you mean 'shown up solo instead of with Mako and a dozen thugs'4. One thing I especially like about "Freeport" is that your antagonists, while definitely not good people, aren't crazy either; Ravachol is understandable and he has reasons for what he's trying to do, even though he's wrong. That's useful for realism, and it's also useful because it adds to the stew of
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I love these rich encounters you write with Duo, Wufei and the principles of Freeport. Because the way you describe it, first as the surface of the face, those impressions that make judging him easy on appearance, and then have Wufei find out about the underneath seems so revelatory. There's this nice build up of information that makes you go "Oh" by the end of a chapter.
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2. The narrative voice in this chapter feels different from the others -- not bad, just less terse. Maybe there are more commas?
3. It's probably just me being hypersensitive, but it feels like there's a logical gap between 'That would be why Ravachol had shown up solo instead of Mako and a dozen thugs,' and 'Wufei wasn't sure how much that protection was worth.' Clearly the protection is worth Ravachol showing up alone. Maybe something like, 'Wufei wasn't sure how much more that protection was worth,' or just cut to 'But Wufei wasn' about to leave Duo...' etc.? Also, did you mean 'shown up solo instead of with Mako and a dozen thugs'4. One thing I especially like about "Freeport" is that your antagonists, while definitely not good people, aren't crazy either; Ravachol is understandable and he has reasons for what he's trying to do, even though he's wrong. That's useful for realism, and it's also useful because it adds to the stew of ( ... )
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*checks* Yep, Freeport still makes me happy :D
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