Too "insert word" for Photos?
I came across this blog post from my friend feed on facebook. It hits on stuff that I connect with regarding hating to be photographed - specifically feeling too fat to take a good picture. But really it has applied to me even when I wasn't heavy. My friends would say I'm not all that heavy now.
http://myfriendteresablog.com/so-youre-feeling-too-fat-to-be-photographed/
I absolutely don't put pictures of myself online, especially not here. On FB I have maybe 2 pictures that I've posted, anything else with me is where I've been tagged by a friend. I'm almost always slightly aghast at these pictures when they show up. I'm never mortified by an old picture when it shows me in old clothes or haircut, because it's so stupid to think the present looks better and the past looks dated, but I always hone right in on how my face or body looks. And I didn't have to be fat at all, in some older pix I'm crazy thin too - not anorexic, but my EDs are evident.
Another more honest way to put it might be: my discomfort with me eclipses any embarrassment over fashion dated-ness.
I tend to avoid attempts to pose with a group, but I also no longer try to leave the table or setting when a camera pops out. Part of that is exhaustion, camera-phones are so ubiquitous I can't bother to care. Also I know I'm being silly and it doesn't matter. I gave up being a total idiot, basically, because it's too exhausting.
In truth, for me, it's always been about 2 things: control (I can let a picture into the public if I have a chance to take a good one and vet it - but note: that never happens) and some body-dismorphism (which is probably mild for me compared to people who are really hurting). When I acted, I didn't like to watch what I did. But also I could almost pretend the image was the person I was playing and she was supposed to look that way. And also, most of the stuff I was in, I was hired to look like a young, attractive woman, and the lighting and lenses and everything didn't hurt that.
Anyway, I liked what this woman had to say, I would even go so far as to argue that we almost have an obligation as members of society to counterveil the increasingly absurd, retouched ad culture which presents so many unattainable images as models for what it is the be human. I have chosen not to wear make-up for a long time because I think it's strangely defeating if the only way too look "nice" is to be painted (plus I hate the feel of it on my skin) I just can't bring myself to let myself be photographed when I see how terrible I think I look.
In fact, I was going to write a post a few days ago about how I'd seen a picture of myself from a wedding I attended a few weeks back and how much I hated the photo, but as I started to write it just came out so childish and self-hating so I scrapped it. Ironically, my friends who saw my tag on FB (some of whom were at the wedding or have seen my recently, many of whom have not) commented on how stunning they thought I looked and maybe I should make it my profile picture, and all I saw was fat arms, and how my huge chest made my dress look like a tent.
The other thing I thought about this blog post: the woman is a photographer, she values taking pictures of people and is interested in selling them her photography and the whole idea that photos capture life and we treasure them for being "memories." So her confession has kind of got mercenary aim to it, even if it's totally true and real for her emotionally. I can't help but think that people 150 years ago might very well have liked to have some photos, but this idea that you can't appreciate the past without a good album to reflect upon, proxy memories - I don't really identify with.
I didn't want a wedding photographer, partially because I'm a freak, but also because I didn't want someone intruding on the day asking for poses or setting up a bunch of portraits to stop down the feeling of being immersed in the event. I wanted to be attuned to people around me not the dictates of the lens. I see it all the time, people distancing themselves from actual interaction with nature (for example, on the hike this weekend) to be forcing their family to pose inside the tree or on top of the rock) or to be taking photos all the time and not stopping to listen and experience, and smell.
Anyway, it works for them and I try not to judge, because they probably really value those pictures later. But it doesn't work as well for me. Still, maybe I should try to let myself be photographed once in a while, instead of it always coming from a FB tag I couldn't avoid.