Silly Mal, Happiness is for other people.
*Warning, depression speech please pass by to next constructive entry*
I think though we're all wondering when exactly that might be.
I do read my previous entries. Not exactly seeing much other then a long string of "yup, still messed up".
There are things I should be doing right now. Studying for my next promotional exam. Figuring out the best way to take college courses within the time available considering my working hours. Working past this writers block I crashed into on a fan fic I'm doing. Yet here I am, whining to you.
I think I do this in the vein hope that if I put myself on a guilt trip enough times, write it all down, mark it off, It'll actually make me change. Six years now, and I haven't not really.
Feel so damn selfish over complaining because I hurt,over a relationship I broke up.
I hurt someone, horribly, I made this beautiful person cry, and didn't shed so much as one tear at the time,now I whine and mone about how much it hurts they're not here. It seemed like the sensible thing at the time, get him out before my bill collectors closed in, I wasn't "deeply" in love with him. I told myself that. I didn't feel things the same way.
There was so much I was doing wrong at the time.
He almost always had a crush on me. That made me afraid of him. I didn't see how anyone COULD be attracted to me. I didn't see any goodness in me. Nothing that wasn't a lie. I felt myself lying when I said I loved him.Lying when I said as Long as there are horses on the Moon. Lying with every kiss.
I start to wonder If it's because I wouldn't let myself love him. Wouldn't let myself get too close. Wouldn't let myself believe anyone could love me, or that I could have a relationship that was more then just physical.
This doesn't cover everything. Not even close...I'm still avoiding the fact that I don't really want to move forward or back. Just sleep. And dream. And not be in pain, and at my heart I'd be okay with that.
But not all of me would. I keep drinking water, I keep Running. Maybe if I can just set an hour a day to study...
If I can just move a step at a time, maybe I can change.
I think though we're all wondering when exactly that might be.
I do read my previous entries. Not exactly seeing much other then a long string of "yup, still messed up".
There are things I should be doing right now. Studying for my next promotional exam. Figuring out the best way to take college courses within the time available considering my working hours. Working past this writers block I crashed into on a fan fic I'm doing. Yet here I am, whining to you.
I think I do this in the vein hope that if I put myself on a guilt trip enough times, write it all down, mark it off, It'll actually make me change. Six years now, and I haven't not really.
Feel so damn selfish over complaining because I hurt,over a relationship I broke up.
I hurt someone, horribly, I made this beautiful person cry, and didn't shed so much as one tear at the time,now I whine and mone about how much it hurts they're not here. It seemed like the sensible thing at the time, get him out before my bill collectors closed in, I wasn't "deeply" in love with him. I told myself that. I didn't feel things the same way.
There was so much I was doing wrong at the time.
He almost always had a crush on me. That made me afraid of him. I didn't see how anyone COULD be attracted to me. I didn't see any goodness in me. Nothing that wasn't a lie. I felt myself lying when I said I loved him.Lying when I said as Long as there are horses on the Moon. Lying with every kiss.
I start to wonder If it's because I wouldn't let myself love him. Wouldn't let myself get too close. Wouldn't let myself believe anyone could love me, or that I could have a relationship that was more then just physical.
This doesn't cover everything. Not even close...I'm still avoiding the fact that I don't really want to move forward or back. Just sleep. And dream. And not be in pain, and at my heart I'd be okay with that.
But not all of me would. I keep drinking water, I keep Running. Maybe if I can just set an hour a day to study...
If I can just move a step at a time, maybe I can change.