scared
Well, I'm terrified.
I went to work and talked to Kristie and Tim about what happened last night (They are the head honchos who run everything and tell God what to do). Kristie told me we need medical documentation of my pain (the joint and bone and every part of my body pain that Dr. Joyce thinks is RA but has no proof since I can't afford tests) so I'm going to go to the free clinic tomorrow and see what they can do. that of course means two more days of no sleep followed by four straight days of work, but whatever, I can sleep when I'm dead, right? Anyway, she said depending on the restrictions the doctor has for me, I might not be able to do my job and might not have a job (which scares the shit out of me because I need my job and I'm terrified of losing it...literally and physically...I would die if I didn't have a job, seriously). Tim says he's going to talk to Patrick and Justin (the GMs; Justin is the one who yelled at me when I asked to leave early last night) and then try to get the three of us together and talk about what's going on with my health once I have a doctor's note. I don't know what kind of doctor's note the free clinic will be able to get me, but I'm going to try. I have to go in at about 8 AM and wait outside the church for 2 hours to get in to the clinic in order to even have a spot (which is why I predict no sleep) and I'm really terrified. Stomach-churningly scared. I mean, I told Kristie what kind of work I can do, what kind of lifting I can and can't do and I can do almost everything the job calls for, I can't see them firing me...I'm terrified. People will probably say "they can't fire you" but THEY can do a lot of things people think THEY can't do, and Michigan is an "at-will hire" state, which means companies can kind of hire and fire at will here.
So yeah, that terrifies me. And then there's the matter of what terror makes me do. It makes my mind do crazy things. I got home and called my old church (the Episcopal one with the Priest who is a Lesbian, not any of the other even more scary ones, so it's not TOO bad...at least I had a semi-sane alternative to reach for) and she and I are meeting today after two PM to talk. I don't know what about. Maybe we'll get into why I left the church. I mostly just wanted someone to pray for me because I'm really really scared (and sick and tired and in pain and scared and tired and did I say scared?) I was walking home thi9nking how alone I am...I don't have a family I could move in with if things don't work out, and I don't have any money and I don't have insurance so if I lose my job I'm so terrified of what will happen to me, and I hope the doctor can give me something tangible to hold onto but I don't have MUCH hope) and I was wishing I could have my church pray for me, but I screwed the pooch on that one, didn't I? So it finally made me break down and call the church, because even if Christians totally hate you, they'll usually pray for you. And I needed to know people were praying for me. I know that might not make much sense, but there's this community and connection I feel when people are praying for me and I'm praying for them. I miss that.
Argh.
I forgot to even mention this part, but I put in a complaint about the homophobic things I've been hearing from the crew and the managers, too. So yeah. Going to get my ass fired. Yep. Definitely.
I'm so scared.
So if you guys pray, could you guys pray for me? And think of me (think GOOD things of me...there's not a lot of that going around) and...yeah.
I went to work and talked to Kristie and Tim about what happened last night (They are the head honchos who run everything and tell God what to do). Kristie told me we need medical documentation of my pain (the joint and bone and every part of my body pain that Dr. Joyce thinks is RA but has no proof since I can't afford tests) so I'm going to go to the free clinic tomorrow and see what they can do. that of course means two more days of no sleep followed by four straight days of work, but whatever, I can sleep when I'm dead, right? Anyway, she said depending on the restrictions the doctor has for me, I might not be able to do my job and might not have a job (which scares the shit out of me because I need my job and I'm terrified of losing it...literally and physically...I would die if I didn't have a job, seriously). Tim says he's going to talk to Patrick and Justin (the GMs; Justin is the one who yelled at me when I asked to leave early last night) and then try to get the three of us together and talk about what's going on with my health once I have a doctor's note. I don't know what kind of doctor's note the free clinic will be able to get me, but I'm going to try. I have to go in at about 8 AM and wait outside the church for 2 hours to get in to the clinic in order to even have a spot (which is why I predict no sleep) and I'm really terrified. Stomach-churningly scared. I mean, I told Kristie what kind of work I can do, what kind of lifting I can and can't do and I can do almost everything the job calls for, I can't see them firing me...I'm terrified. People will probably say "they can't fire you" but THEY can do a lot of things people think THEY can't do, and Michigan is an "at-will hire" state, which means companies can kind of hire and fire at will here.
So yeah, that terrifies me. And then there's the matter of what terror makes me do. It makes my mind do crazy things. I got home and called my old church (the Episcopal one with the Priest who is a Lesbian, not any of the other even more scary ones, so it's not TOO bad...at least I had a semi-sane alternative to reach for) and she and I are meeting today after two PM to talk. I don't know what about. Maybe we'll get into why I left the church. I mostly just wanted someone to pray for me because I'm really really scared (and sick and tired and in pain and scared and tired and did I say scared?) I was walking home thi9nking how alone I am...I don't have a family I could move in with if things don't work out, and I don't have any money and I don't have insurance so if I lose my job I'm so terrified of what will happen to me, and I hope the doctor can give me something tangible to hold onto but I don't have MUCH hope) and I was wishing I could have my church pray for me, but I screwed the pooch on that one, didn't I? So it finally made me break down and call the church, because even if Christians totally hate you, they'll usually pray for you. And I needed to know people were praying for me. I know that might not make much sense, but there's this community and connection I feel when people are praying for me and I'm praying for them. I miss that.
Argh.
I forgot to even mention this part, but I put in a complaint about the homophobic things I've been hearing from the crew and the managers, too. So yeah. Going to get my ass fired. Yep. Definitely.
I'm so scared.
So if you guys pray, could you guys pray for me? And think of me (think GOOD things of me...there's not a lot of that going around) and...yeah.