whoa, isme
First of all, I'm really proud of this review, so if you could all give it a read sometime, I'd really appreciate it: http://www.cinema-crazed.com/r-z/uncletom.htm
Second of all...bleh. I don't know what to say. It's been a rough week. Scratch that, it hasn't been "rough," it's been a horrible week (month year life) and thus I've let things get to me that normally I'd be able to brush off, and I've had a friend from college come back into my life and hound me that if I "return to God" he will help me "Heal this sin" of homosexuality, and another girl who kind of set me up like she wanted to date and met with me and hung out dropped the bomb that she used to be gay but God healed her of that lifestyle and he can heal me too, and my church was closed on Wednesday night (with a sign on the door that read "Healing Service Closed due to illness" which made me laugh because I am an asshole) so I walked by another church on my way home, and decided "why not" and went in, and they have a whole "12 weeks to getting the sin out of your life" counseling program that they offer...here's the link to their article about homosexuality, which they list as one of the major sins people fall into (I think they only mentioned that to me because I happened to be carrying a biography of Harvey Milk with me to church tonight http://www.revivalchristian.org/120106.htm ) and I KNOW what you're thinking because I'm thinking it too, I know better. I've been there, done that. But this week isn't like other weeks, it's hard to even put one foot in front of the other right now, so I was way more vulnerable than I should have been, and now I don't know what to do. I know this stuff isn't true, don't I?
I kind of half-jokingly mentioned this in my Facebook status, and there were a lot of cool comments, but one of my friends who has been hounding me to "seek God and change" replied with this: "I thought you could use a bible verse for encouragement Proverbs 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And he shall make your path straight."
Um...that's good advice, but not for the reasons you probably think it is.
It's like they think I don't read the bible or know God at all. It's so discouraging. I'm at a loss right now.
The thing I keep telling myself, and the only thing that REALLY gets me through, is that I know how those "retraining" programs work, and I know they're going to ask me to kneel and renounce all my "homosexual activity" and all my "homosexual acts" and they'll ask me for the names of people I've "sinned with" (trust me, that's what they do, I've been there, done that, and this was back when I was "straight" and didn't have any names to give them, which they of course thought I was lying about) and I remember that and I keep thinking this...am I willing to renounce what Bailey and I had? Am I willing to call that a sin? Am I willing to ask forgiveness for that as though it were evil? I think about it that way, and the truth is, I know I can't honestly do that in good conscience. I mean, Bailey and I fucked up a lot, we messed things up and we did sin, but that was in other things we did. We loved each other, and the sex we had came out of that, I know it did. As flawed as our relationship was, there's not a doubt in my mind that we did love each other, and I'm not going to apologize for that to ANYONE because I don't think it was wrong, and I'm not going to apologize to God, because I honestly, truly, deeply don't think he thinks it was wrong, either. I don't see how He could be all knowing and all seeing like I'm supposed to believe he is and at the same time condemn something that brought so much good to me. So yeah. SEE SAW IN MY HEAD COME ON EVERYBODY LET'S RIDE!
In other "I hate everything" news, my church is giving me hives. Let me explain.
St. Andrews is an Episcopalian church, which means about halfway through the service (or something like that) the Priest says "The peace of the Lord be with you" and we repeat "And also with you," and then we all stand and shake people's hands and say "Peace be with you" to each other. It's a cool little thing I remember from my days at St. Paul's Catholic church, but it's sometimes hard to get into, because I think technically, when you shake someone's hand, one of you is supposed to say "peace be with you" and the other is supposed to reply "and also with you" but it's easy to get tripped up and forget which to say at which time. So a few months ago, I remembered something we used to do in our days at St. Paul's. Me and my friend Mike started it, because we were talking one day about how it's easy to get tripped up one what you were supposed to say, and he said we should just give the "peace sign" with our fingers, and that seemed like a cool idea, so we did it. the people all thought it was funny and it soon spread until a lot of other people were doing it, too, and we'd all shake each other's hands and laugh and it was fun. It felt like connecting. Well, I thought, this was such a cool thing to do that I should start doing it at St. Andrews, too. I felt like I was getting to know the people there, and I felt comfortable enough to share a piece of myself with them, so I decided to try giving the "peace sign" to people during the next passing of the peace. So the next service I went to, I tried it, and the first girl I did it to said "Fine, I won't shake your hand," all offended, and I said "No, it doesn't mean I don't want to shake your hand," and I shook her hand. that should have been a sign to me to stop doing it, but I thought, "well, she didn't get it, but other people will, and eventually it will be ok." So I kept trying it, and people kept thinking it meant I didn't want to shake their hands. Um...if I didn't want to shake your hands, I wouldn't BE HERE this morning. Trust me, I have other things I could be doing. I kept making the peace sign with one hand and holding out the other hand to shake, and some people walked by, and some people shook my hand, but it didn't seem to "catch on" like it had at St. Paul's. No one thought it was cool. But here's the thing. The Priest saw me make the peace sign, and she returned it, and I thought, "Ok, she gets is." Hoo boy. So anyway, I mentioned something in Wednesday bible study group about how people thought me making the "peace sign" was a sign that I didn't want to shake their hand, and the priest said "Hey, we understand, not everyone is comfortable shaking hands, we'll let you have your space." Um...but...um...I've been coming here for a few years now, off and on, and I always shake people's hands, I still do it now, I just use the peace sign instead of saying "peace" when the people shake my hand, so how does this mean I'm not "comfortable" shaking people's hands? I tried to bring that up to her, and she said again that they want to give people their space, blah blah blah. Well, I was pissed off about this, but I didn't want to argue with her, so I just tried to brush it off. I kept giving the "peace sign" at church while also aggressively reaching out for people's hands, hoping they would get the point, but the Priest still made the sign and walked by me and didn't shake my hand. Now I was really pissed, so a few weeks later, I tried bringing it up again, and she repeated the same thing about how some people aren't comfortable shaking hands, and they understand that. No, obviously you don't understand ANYTHING (and obviously you have amnesia for all the times before this when I have shaken your hand). It really started to get to me, but I didn't know what to do, since I'd tried to talk to her about it before, twice, and failed. A fee weeks ago I brought my friend Ashley to the Wednesday evening "healing service," and when I was telling her what went on during the service (since she'd never been to an episcopalian church) I told her I gave the "peace sign" instead of saying "peace be with you," and the Priest said AGAIN that some people don't feel comfortable shaking hands, and my head nearly exploded. I tried AGAIN to explain to her that this wasn't what I meant, but she kept walking by. So I considered talking to her about it again, but I was too tired and too pissed to be tactful about it, so I refrained. I stopped making the "peace sign" after that, and the Priest commented at one service "I got a handshake! I feel special!" Yes, let's ALL get amnesia and forget that I've shaken your hand tons of times. Wave the little light pen from the Men in Black movies. It never happened. I hoped if I ignored it, it would go away. Last week was the absolute LAST STRAW though. I sent the Priest an email telling her about my friend Courtney's suicide and asking them to pray, and the Priest replied to my email, saying they would pray, and thanking me for my response to the sermon that week, and then she said "It's so good to see you shaking people hands during the passing of the peace." Ok, THAT'S IT. For the LAST TIME, I SHAKE PEOPLE'S HANDS ALL THE TIME THIS IS NOT ANYTHING NEW STOP SAYING IT IS.
This might sound like a small thing, but it really upsets me. First of all, I feel like she's mocking me. Second of all, shaking people's hands is actually a step BACKWARD, not FORWARD. Making the peace sign was something I did as a way of reaching out, I did it because I wanted to connect with people and because I felt comfortable being myself at this church. Getting kicked in the face like I did with the response I got from the people HURT ME, it didn't HELP ME, and now all the amnesia people are experiencing is really getting to my brain. Do they really not remember that I shake people's hands all the time? Do they really think I'm unfriendly? Why does she keep talking like I've never shaken anyone's hand before when first of all, I did it before, second of all, I did it WHILE I WAS MAKING THE PEACE SIGN YOU JUST DIDN'T NOTICE BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY WALKING AWAY WITHOUT SHAKING MY HAND AND IGNORING ME WHEN I TRIED TO MENTION THIS FACT TO YOU and third of all, I still shake people's hands now. Finally...it really bugs me to have my intentions misinterpreted and misrepresented like this, especially in an email she sent TO ME. If ANYONE knows how I feel and what I was doing, it's me, so don't tell ME that I'm more open now than I was before in church. If anything, this whole fiasco makes me LESS open, not MORE open. I keep thinking that she got her wish, finally, for the first time in my life, I DON'T want to shake people's hands in church. I dread it every Sunday because I know some snide remark about me shaking hands is coming, and it really gets under my skin.
I get it. I don't fit in. Again I am reminded of why I don't seek people out and why I hate going to church. The people there don't understand me, even though they THINK they do, and anything I try to do to show them who I really am is going to backfire and further remind me of what a freak and outcast I am. I get it now. But should it be that way? I don't think I did anything to deserve this really, except be different. This really upsets me and I don't know what to do about it. Send her an email? Great, how to word that? "You pissed me off, here's why." THAT should be well-received. Plus I've tried talking to her about this already, and we see how well that's gone.
Life upsets me right now. I have to train two new people at work, half our crew is on vacation next week, and I'm exhausted and dreading church tomorrow (if I even go at all). I found out today that the Arizona ice tea bottle I've been using to make and take tea to work has been all moldy inside for God knows how long (even though I wash it all the time...ew...so that's probably why I've been getting so sick at work. Poo. I wish I'd never said anything to any of those church people in the first damn place. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
Second of all...bleh. I don't know what to say. It's been a rough week. Scratch that, it hasn't been "rough," it's been a horrible week (month year life) and thus I've let things get to me that normally I'd be able to brush off, and I've had a friend from college come back into my life and hound me that if I "return to God" he will help me "Heal this sin" of homosexuality, and another girl who kind of set me up like she wanted to date and met with me and hung out dropped the bomb that she used to be gay but God healed her of that lifestyle and he can heal me too, and my church was closed on Wednesday night (with a sign on the door that read "Healing Service Closed due to illness" which made me laugh because I am an asshole) so I walked by another church on my way home, and decided "why not" and went in, and they have a whole "12 weeks to getting the sin out of your life" counseling program that they offer...here's the link to their article about homosexuality, which they list as one of the major sins people fall into (I think they only mentioned that to me because I happened to be carrying a biography of Harvey Milk with me to church tonight http://www.revivalchristian.org/120106.htm ) and I KNOW what you're thinking because I'm thinking it too, I know better. I've been there, done that. But this week isn't like other weeks, it's hard to even put one foot in front of the other right now, so I was way more vulnerable than I should have been, and now I don't know what to do. I know this stuff isn't true, don't I?
I kind of half-jokingly mentioned this in my Facebook status, and there were a lot of cool comments, but one of my friends who has been hounding me to "seek God and change" replied with this: "I thought you could use a bible verse for encouragement Proverbs 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And he shall make your path straight."
Um...that's good advice, but not for the reasons you probably think it is.
It's like they think I don't read the bible or know God at all. It's so discouraging. I'm at a loss right now.
The thing I keep telling myself, and the only thing that REALLY gets me through, is that I know how those "retraining" programs work, and I know they're going to ask me to kneel and renounce all my "homosexual activity" and all my "homosexual acts" and they'll ask me for the names of people I've "sinned with" (trust me, that's what they do, I've been there, done that, and this was back when I was "straight" and didn't have any names to give them, which they of course thought I was lying about) and I remember that and I keep thinking this...am I willing to renounce what Bailey and I had? Am I willing to call that a sin? Am I willing to ask forgiveness for that as though it were evil? I think about it that way, and the truth is, I know I can't honestly do that in good conscience. I mean, Bailey and I fucked up a lot, we messed things up and we did sin, but that was in other things we did. We loved each other, and the sex we had came out of that, I know it did. As flawed as our relationship was, there's not a doubt in my mind that we did love each other, and I'm not going to apologize for that to ANYONE because I don't think it was wrong, and I'm not going to apologize to God, because I honestly, truly, deeply don't think he thinks it was wrong, either. I don't see how He could be all knowing and all seeing like I'm supposed to believe he is and at the same time condemn something that brought so much good to me. So yeah. SEE SAW IN MY HEAD COME ON EVERYBODY LET'S RIDE!
In other "I hate everything" news, my church is giving me hives. Let me explain.
St. Andrews is an Episcopalian church, which means about halfway through the service (or something like that) the Priest says "The peace of the Lord be with you" and we repeat "And also with you," and then we all stand and shake people's hands and say "Peace be with you" to each other. It's a cool little thing I remember from my days at St. Paul's Catholic church, but it's sometimes hard to get into, because I think technically, when you shake someone's hand, one of you is supposed to say "peace be with you" and the other is supposed to reply "and also with you" but it's easy to get tripped up and forget which to say at which time. So a few months ago, I remembered something we used to do in our days at St. Paul's. Me and my friend Mike started it, because we were talking one day about how it's easy to get tripped up one what you were supposed to say, and he said we should just give the "peace sign" with our fingers, and that seemed like a cool idea, so we did it. the people all thought it was funny and it soon spread until a lot of other people were doing it, too, and we'd all shake each other's hands and laugh and it was fun. It felt like connecting. Well, I thought, this was such a cool thing to do that I should start doing it at St. Andrews, too. I felt like I was getting to know the people there, and I felt comfortable enough to share a piece of myself with them, so I decided to try giving the "peace sign" to people during the next passing of the peace. So the next service I went to, I tried it, and the first girl I did it to said "Fine, I won't shake your hand," all offended, and I said "No, it doesn't mean I don't want to shake your hand," and I shook her hand. that should have been a sign to me to stop doing it, but I thought, "well, she didn't get it, but other people will, and eventually it will be ok." So I kept trying it, and people kept thinking it meant I didn't want to shake their hands. Um...if I didn't want to shake your hands, I wouldn't BE HERE this morning. Trust me, I have other things I could be doing. I kept making the peace sign with one hand and holding out the other hand to shake, and some people walked by, and some people shook my hand, but it didn't seem to "catch on" like it had at St. Paul's. No one thought it was cool. But here's the thing. The Priest saw me make the peace sign, and she returned it, and I thought, "Ok, she gets is." Hoo boy. So anyway, I mentioned something in Wednesday bible study group about how people thought me making the "peace sign" was a sign that I didn't want to shake their hand, and the priest said "Hey, we understand, not everyone is comfortable shaking hands, we'll let you have your space." Um...but...um...I've been coming here for a few years now, off and on, and I always shake people's hands, I still do it now, I just use the peace sign instead of saying "peace" when the people shake my hand, so how does this mean I'm not "comfortable" shaking people's hands? I tried to bring that up to her, and she said again that they want to give people their space, blah blah blah. Well, I was pissed off about this, but I didn't want to argue with her, so I just tried to brush it off. I kept giving the "peace sign" at church while also aggressively reaching out for people's hands, hoping they would get the point, but the Priest still made the sign and walked by me and didn't shake my hand. Now I was really pissed, so a few weeks later, I tried bringing it up again, and she repeated the same thing about how some people aren't comfortable shaking hands, and they understand that. No, obviously you don't understand ANYTHING (and obviously you have amnesia for all the times before this when I have shaken your hand). It really started to get to me, but I didn't know what to do, since I'd tried to talk to her about it before, twice, and failed. A fee weeks ago I brought my friend Ashley to the Wednesday evening "healing service," and when I was telling her what went on during the service (since she'd never been to an episcopalian church) I told her I gave the "peace sign" instead of saying "peace be with you," and the Priest said AGAIN that some people don't feel comfortable shaking hands, and my head nearly exploded. I tried AGAIN to explain to her that this wasn't what I meant, but she kept walking by. So I considered talking to her about it again, but I was too tired and too pissed to be tactful about it, so I refrained. I stopped making the "peace sign" after that, and the Priest commented at one service "I got a handshake! I feel special!" Yes, let's ALL get amnesia and forget that I've shaken your hand tons of times. Wave the little light pen from the Men in Black movies. It never happened. I hoped if I ignored it, it would go away. Last week was the absolute LAST STRAW though. I sent the Priest an email telling her about my friend Courtney's suicide and asking them to pray, and the Priest replied to my email, saying they would pray, and thanking me for my response to the sermon that week, and then she said "It's so good to see you shaking people hands during the passing of the peace." Ok, THAT'S IT. For the LAST TIME, I SHAKE PEOPLE'S HANDS ALL THE TIME THIS IS NOT ANYTHING NEW STOP SAYING IT IS.
This might sound like a small thing, but it really upsets me. First of all, I feel like she's mocking me. Second of all, shaking people's hands is actually a step BACKWARD, not FORWARD. Making the peace sign was something I did as a way of reaching out, I did it because I wanted to connect with people and because I felt comfortable being myself at this church. Getting kicked in the face like I did with the response I got from the people HURT ME, it didn't HELP ME, and now all the amnesia people are experiencing is really getting to my brain. Do they really not remember that I shake people's hands all the time? Do they really think I'm unfriendly? Why does she keep talking like I've never shaken anyone's hand before when first of all, I did it before, second of all, I did it WHILE I WAS MAKING THE PEACE SIGN YOU JUST DIDN'T NOTICE BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY WALKING AWAY WITHOUT SHAKING MY HAND AND IGNORING ME WHEN I TRIED TO MENTION THIS FACT TO YOU and third of all, I still shake people's hands now. Finally...it really bugs me to have my intentions misinterpreted and misrepresented like this, especially in an email she sent TO ME. If ANYONE knows how I feel and what I was doing, it's me, so don't tell ME that I'm more open now than I was before in church. If anything, this whole fiasco makes me LESS open, not MORE open. I keep thinking that she got her wish, finally, for the first time in my life, I DON'T want to shake people's hands in church. I dread it every Sunday because I know some snide remark about me shaking hands is coming, and it really gets under my skin.
I get it. I don't fit in. Again I am reminded of why I don't seek people out and why I hate going to church. The people there don't understand me, even though they THINK they do, and anything I try to do to show them who I really am is going to backfire and further remind me of what a freak and outcast I am. I get it now. But should it be that way? I don't think I did anything to deserve this really, except be different. This really upsets me and I don't know what to do about it. Send her an email? Great, how to word that? "You pissed me off, here's why." THAT should be well-received. Plus I've tried talking to her about this already, and we see how well that's gone.
Life upsets me right now. I have to train two new people at work, half our crew is on vacation next week, and I'm exhausted and dreading church tomorrow (if I even go at all). I found out today that the Arizona ice tea bottle I've been using to make and take tea to work has been all moldy inside for God knows how long (even though I wash it all the time...ew...so that's probably why I've been getting so sick at work. Poo. I wish I'd never said anything to any of those church people in the first damn place. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.