Between Hurricane and Harbor is Where I Make My Home
Hey peskipiksi, I discovered how to make Ketchup edible.
1/2 cup Ketchup
3 TBSP Sriracha Chili Sauce
(This stuff is worth buying, it's amazing, and no, terminal83, I'm not taking that term lightly, I was literally amazed how good this sauce tastes)
3 TBSP Dijon mustard
1 TBSP Schezuan stir fry sauce
3 tsp garlic salt
I used this as a dip for my homemade French fries, and man, they were delicious.
...
....
.....
......Guys, I don't know how to begin this. Ok, my friend Randy has a sister named Brianne. Brianne is a conservative Christian. She sent me an email awhile ago and said when she first saw my myspace page she was offended because she thought I was some satanic self-mutilator, and she even talked to Allison about me because she didn't want them hanging out with me. But now she read my "About Me" section on my page (um...why didn't you do that before if you wanted to know about me?) and she wanted to apologize for judging me (ok, that's cool of you) and also tell me she thinks God sent her to help me (uh oh). So she and I have been emailing back and forth, and she's bent on me turning to God and if I do, God will change me. God will make me not a sinner anymore, God will fulfill all my needs, all the same stuff I've been sold before all my life. I tried explaining to her that while I believe there are things I do that aren't good ways of coping with my pain that regardless, there are things about me that are just the way I am and they won't change, and trying to make them change has resulted in a lot of unnecessary self-hatred and blame.
Now here we are, two grown adults, pussyfooting around and talking about things without naming them. We didn't say the GAY word (or The L Word, which I'm told is a very good show, and we didn't say the BI word, we just said a lot of other words, performing verbal acrobatics to avoid talking about what we actually meant) and she just replied insisting that if I really "gave it to God" then I WOULD change. Cue me pulling all my hair out.
Now lest you think Brianne is just a clueless bitch, she's not. She's a very kind person, and she's been handed more than her fair share of shit in life. I won't reveal some of the things she's told me about her past, but trust me, it wasn't pretty, and she still deals with a lot of the feelings and emotions I do because of it. She rebelled when she was younger in ways I never did, and the church saved her from an empty dangerous life, so I totally get why she's so set in her beliefs; she feels the deliverance I used to feel. I'm not going to sit on some ivory tower and say she's not analyzing things enough because she feels secure in her faith because I don't want to be an arrogant prick, and her faith works for her. Not only all this, but her husband is suffering terribly and dying of cancer. It's been going on for years now and he's getting so bad now that it's really hard for her. So she's not without her trials, and she does know pain. I don't dispute that or belittle it.
It's just that every time I try to raise issues with her or say that I don't agree with her interpretation of the bible or her brand of Christianity, she says something like "there there honey, keep talking, let it out. TGhis is the only way God will heal you and take away your pain and make you whole! I hope you keep letting me love you!" She reminded me of the "spiritual warrior" people I used to encounter in my Christian days, that every time you made some valid debate point with them, they'd change the subject by saying something like "you can try to push me away as much as you like, but I will always love you and so will Jesus. " I don't know how to respond to that! I still want to be Brianne's friend, but I can't have her thinking she will change me someday, and she doesn't seem to be getting that when I try to tell her. Well today she told me she was talking to her cousin about me and about my scars (hey! That's personal information you numbskull!) and he said that the apostle Paul had scars too, and she went off about Jesus having scars, and how He loves me, and how I need to stop hating myself and accept His love, because if I really accept His love I will stop hating myself. I couldn't take it anymore, so I tried to respond as lovingly as I could. Let me know if I fucked this up:
Hey Brianne. I've been thinking about you a lot too, and there are some things I need to say. I know I don't know you very well, but I care about you a lot, so I hope that you don't take any of these things the wrong way...I just need to say them.
I love God and Jesus with all my heart and I have a relationship with both of them. It doesn't look like your relationship with them, but I'm ok with that. I know that you really really care and you really really want to share things with me, and I appreciate that, but I am the person that I am and this hate and pain has come from hating myself over the years and trying to change who I was, and that needs to stop. I'm not straight and I never will be. I don't talk about this much and this is probably the only time I'll ever mention it, but it's the truth. I know that you might believe thats wrong and you might believe it's a sin that God can change. If that's what you believe, you and I will simply never agree on that issue and it's something we're going to have to not talk about, because I'm very tired of hearing the conservative Christian side of this issue. I heard it and believed it for years...it's part of why I still hate myself so much today. I know it well. I know the bible well. I have the book of Romans memorized, I have many verses memorized, I quote them and sing the songs when I need comfort. I might not interpret the bible now the same way a lot of Christians do, but I DO read and study it and I DO know it well. I hope you and I can still be friends after I tell you this, because I have lots of friends who don't always agree with me and I don't always agree with them but we love each other so we look past that, but I DO have to tell you this because it's something that's been weighing on me. I've been worried you might be angry once you heard this, or that you might want to change me or something like that, and I don't want things to be like that because I think you and I can still be friends even if we don't agree on some things.
About the "me hating myself" thing...I know people mean well, but they have to understand that they're talking to someone who's hated herself since she was four years old. I know people mean well when they say "don't hate yourself" to me, but people telling me not to hate myself isn't going to make me stop hating myself. Me telling myself doesn't make me stop, either. It's something that's just going to take time. People aren't comfortable with pain. We want to see our friends and family healed and we don't want to see them suffer, and sometimes, especially when it's emotional pain, after awhile it hurts us so much to see them suffering that we try to make it stop, and when what we do or say doesn't make the suffering stop, we become angry with the person in pain, blaming them for not taking our advice or for being in pain and making it their fault. I DON'T THINK YOU ARE DOING THIS, please know that. I've just seen it happen to me and to others over and over again. I know I'm wounded, but I'm at the stage in my life where I'm realizing that instead of pretending I'm not in pain or instead of pretending that "giving my pain to Jesus" means I hand it to Him and suddenly it's gone, I need to be here, in my pain, not disassociating like I do to avoid it, but really explore it, because that's the only way I'm going to be able to know it and ease it. I don't know if you agree with this or not, but please believe me, I've spent years weeping on my knees in blood sweat and tears begging God to take the pain away and it hasn't helped. Now in this space of exploring why I feel this way, it's the closest I've come to healing in years and years. I think this might be why someone told you and Richard that the cancer was somehow his fault (though that really pisses me off that someone would say something so ridiculous and insensitive to you and it makes me want to hit them). People just have this nature where we want to DO SOMETHING when we see others suffering, and if we can't do anything about it we have to find some way to blame the people who are in pain so that we can feel justified walking away from them. then we don't have to see them suffer anymore. My Aunt had breast cancer and someone from church told her that it was because she wasn't giving everything to Jesus, and then when the cancer went into remission, the lady told my Aunt it was because she was finally being righteous and giving things to Jesus. People are so strange sometimes.
There's a book that I'd like to give you (I have a few extra copies). It's called "Stumbling Toward Faith" and it's by Renee Alston. It's the closest thing to my journey that I've ever read even though the author and I are very different from each other, and the book gives me hope that someone like me can still have a place in God's plan.
I'm sorry you and Richard are struggling so much right now. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I don't know what else to say or do. That was the best I could come up with. I hope she doesn't hate me. But I'm struggling enough right now without having someone try, however well-meaning she may be, to get me to hate who I am even more and get back on the cycle of trying to "change who I am" which amounts to nothing more than trying to act every day like I'm someone I'm not.
1/2 cup Ketchup
3 TBSP Sriracha Chili Sauce
(This stuff is worth buying, it's amazing, and no, terminal83, I'm not taking that term lightly, I was literally amazed how good this sauce tastes)
3 TBSP Dijon mustard
1 TBSP Schezuan stir fry sauce
3 tsp garlic salt
I used this as a dip for my homemade French fries, and man, they were delicious.
...
....
.....
......Guys, I don't know how to begin this. Ok, my friend Randy has a sister named Brianne. Brianne is a conservative Christian. She sent me an email awhile ago and said when she first saw my myspace page she was offended because she thought I was some satanic self-mutilator, and she even talked to Allison about me because she didn't want them hanging out with me. But now she read my "About Me" section on my page (um...why didn't you do that before if you wanted to know about me?) and she wanted to apologize for judging me (ok, that's cool of you) and also tell me she thinks God sent her to help me (uh oh). So she and I have been emailing back and forth, and she's bent on me turning to God and if I do, God will change me. God will make me not a sinner anymore, God will fulfill all my needs, all the same stuff I've been sold before all my life. I tried explaining to her that while I believe there are things I do that aren't good ways of coping with my pain that regardless, there are things about me that are just the way I am and they won't change, and trying to make them change has resulted in a lot of unnecessary self-hatred and blame.
Now here we are, two grown adults, pussyfooting around and talking about things without naming them. We didn't say the GAY word (or The L Word, which I'm told is a very good show, and we didn't say the BI word, we just said a lot of other words, performing verbal acrobatics to avoid talking about what we actually meant) and she just replied insisting that if I really "gave it to God" then I WOULD change. Cue me pulling all my hair out.
Now lest you think Brianne is just a clueless bitch, she's not. She's a very kind person, and she's been handed more than her fair share of shit in life. I won't reveal some of the things she's told me about her past, but trust me, it wasn't pretty, and she still deals with a lot of the feelings and emotions I do because of it. She rebelled when she was younger in ways I never did, and the church saved her from an empty dangerous life, so I totally get why she's so set in her beliefs; she feels the deliverance I used to feel. I'm not going to sit on some ivory tower and say she's not analyzing things enough because she feels secure in her faith because I don't want to be an arrogant prick, and her faith works for her. Not only all this, but her husband is suffering terribly and dying of cancer. It's been going on for years now and he's getting so bad now that it's really hard for her. So she's not without her trials, and she does know pain. I don't dispute that or belittle it.
It's just that every time I try to raise issues with her or say that I don't agree with her interpretation of the bible or her brand of Christianity, she says something like "there there honey, keep talking, let it out. TGhis is the only way God will heal you and take away your pain and make you whole! I hope you keep letting me love you!" She reminded me of the "spiritual warrior" people I used to encounter in my Christian days, that every time you made some valid debate point with them, they'd change the subject by saying something like "you can try to push me away as much as you like, but I will always love you and so will Jesus. " I don't know how to respond to that! I still want to be Brianne's friend, but I can't have her thinking she will change me someday, and she doesn't seem to be getting that when I try to tell her. Well today she told me she was talking to her cousin about me and about my scars (hey! That's personal information you numbskull!) and he said that the apostle Paul had scars too, and she went off about Jesus having scars, and how He loves me, and how I need to stop hating myself and accept His love, because if I really accept His love I will stop hating myself. I couldn't take it anymore, so I tried to respond as lovingly as I could. Let me know if I fucked this up:
Hey Brianne. I've been thinking about you a lot too, and there are some things I need to say. I know I don't know you very well, but I care about you a lot, so I hope that you don't take any of these things the wrong way...I just need to say them.
I love God and Jesus with all my heart and I have a relationship with both of them. It doesn't look like your relationship with them, but I'm ok with that. I know that you really really care and you really really want to share things with me, and I appreciate that, but I am the person that I am and this hate and pain has come from hating myself over the years and trying to change who I was, and that needs to stop. I'm not straight and I never will be. I don't talk about this much and this is probably the only time I'll ever mention it, but it's the truth. I know that you might believe thats wrong and you might believe it's a sin that God can change. If that's what you believe, you and I will simply never agree on that issue and it's something we're going to have to not talk about, because I'm very tired of hearing the conservative Christian side of this issue. I heard it and believed it for years...it's part of why I still hate myself so much today. I know it well. I know the bible well. I have the book of Romans memorized, I have many verses memorized, I quote them and sing the songs when I need comfort. I might not interpret the bible now the same way a lot of Christians do, but I DO read and study it and I DO know it well. I hope you and I can still be friends after I tell you this, because I have lots of friends who don't always agree with me and I don't always agree with them but we love each other so we look past that, but I DO have to tell you this because it's something that's been weighing on me. I've been worried you might be angry once you heard this, or that you might want to change me or something like that, and I don't want things to be like that because I think you and I can still be friends even if we don't agree on some things.
About the "me hating myself" thing...I know people mean well, but they have to understand that they're talking to someone who's hated herself since she was four years old. I know people mean well when they say "don't hate yourself" to me, but people telling me not to hate myself isn't going to make me stop hating myself. Me telling myself doesn't make me stop, either. It's something that's just going to take time. People aren't comfortable with pain. We want to see our friends and family healed and we don't want to see them suffer, and sometimes, especially when it's emotional pain, after awhile it hurts us so much to see them suffering that we try to make it stop, and when what we do or say doesn't make the suffering stop, we become angry with the person in pain, blaming them for not taking our advice or for being in pain and making it their fault. I DON'T THINK YOU ARE DOING THIS, please know that. I've just seen it happen to me and to others over and over again. I know I'm wounded, but I'm at the stage in my life where I'm realizing that instead of pretending I'm not in pain or instead of pretending that "giving my pain to Jesus" means I hand it to Him and suddenly it's gone, I need to be here, in my pain, not disassociating like I do to avoid it, but really explore it, because that's the only way I'm going to be able to know it and ease it. I don't know if you agree with this or not, but please believe me, I've spent years weeping on my knees in blood sweat and tears begging God to take the pain away and it hasn't helped. Now in this space of exploring why I feel this way, it's the closest I've come to healing in years and years. I think this might be why someone told you and Richard that the cancer was somehow his fault (though that really pisses me off that someone would say something so ridiculous and insensitive to you and it makes me want to hit them). People just have this nature where we want to DO SOMETHING when we see others suffering, and if we can't do anything about it we have to find some way to blame the people who are in pain so that we can feel justified walking away from them. then we don't have to see them suffer anymore. My Aunt had breast cancer and someone from church told her that it was because she wasn't giving everything to Jesus, and then when the cancer went into remission, the lady told my Aunt it was because she was finally being righteous and giving things to Jesus. People are so strange sometimes.
There's a book that I'd like to give you (I have a few extra copies). It's called "Stumbling Toward Faith" and it's by Renee Alston. It's the closest thing to my journey that I've ever read even though the author and I are very different from each other, and the book gives me hope that someone like me can still have a place in God's plan.
I'm sorry you and Richard are struggling so much right now. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I don't know what else to say or do. That was the best I could come up with. I hope she doesn't hate me. But I'm struggling enough right now without having someone try, however well-meaning she may be, to get me to hate who I am even more and get back on the cycle of trying to "change who I am" which amounts to nothing more than trying to act every day like I'm someone I'm not.