WahWahWah
Dud guys, my book is so awesome. I passed the 30,000 word mark today and I'm reading and agreeing with all my brilliant points. I love myself. :-p~~~
I've been crying all day. First, I watched "Celebrity Rehab" on VH1 last night and that fucking show makes me bawl and have flashbacks and panic attacks every goddamn time I watch it. Fuck that shit. But I want to see what happens just because I remember my own experiences, so I put myself through it and stay up all night freaking out. Then I walk to work in the cold and snow and want to die, then I got to work and I'm tired and we're busy right off the bat, so I jump in and get screamed at by Leesa, formerly known as "crazy pregnant lady." Remember when you asked me if she was always like this or it was only mood swings because she's pregnant blindingrhyme? Well, then I didn't know because I'd only known her when she was pregnant. Now I can safely say she's a fucking cunt and she needs to be knocked off her "I'm queen of the world" pedestal before I break her face. Outside of work, she's ok. Inside she's a Nazi who berates and snaps at everyone for what she perceives as their mistakes, but if she thinks she sees you looking at her crosseyed she screams at you for being so mean and rude. It makes me want to stab things. Namely her face. Everyone was in a pissy, snappy mood today and my migraine hurt and my head hurt (not always the same thing though that may seem strange) plus my feet hurt because they were swollen and bleeding from walking to work in this godforsaken weather and having to be bundled up in socks and shoes all day causes them to swell, crack, and bleed. AGH. Good thing I don't stand on my feet all day at work. Oh wait...
Then I got home and I had a card from my mom. She got my Christmas gift I sent out last Friday. She wants me to write her. This is huge because the last communication I got in the mail from her years ago said she would never understand how I could do what I did to my family and she never wanted to hear from me again but I was always her child and she would always love me. She's large with the guilt-trip, my mom. I saw her for Christmas a few years ago and she looked so old and frail it broke my heart. I took the time to pick out a gift I knew she loved, nutcracker figurines (because she loved collecting them when I was a kid) and I picked out a Christmas card that I knew would touch her heart because it talked about loving memories from the past and how a mother's love was important even if she didn't always hear from me. It was a big deal to hear from her. My brother still hates me, but I do love him, and her, and I do want to try opening lines of communication. I want to shower her with gifts as much as I can on my budget because I want to make her smile. Whatever she did to me as a kid...she did love me, and I know it, and I want to try and make her happy however I can. I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I do love my mom a lot and it means a lot that she wrote me back with no guilt trip, and I just...I'm repeating myself, but I love her and I wan to try and be a family as much as I can.
*takes break to cry for awhile*
So yeah. then i worked on my book and made myself cry again. I need to quit this. what's all this crying bullshit? I used to be cold and uncaring and dead inside; I need to get back to that. It was easier that way.
Ok, so another crying point...remember how I was going to go to chu8rch on Sunday? I still am planning to, but guess who wasn't scheduled to work but is now scheduled to work? Guess! GUESS!!!!! I now HAVE to go to the 8 AM service, no other way I can go, so I have to set my alarm for 6:30, get up, get together and go, sit in church and freak out and die, resurrect myself, dick around for an hour and a half, probably kill myself and resurrect myself again, then walk to work and work an 8 hour shift. YAY OMG IM SO HAPPY CANT U TELL?!?!?
The only redeeming value to all this is now I will have Monday off, a real day off where I don't have to go anywhere or be anything that makes me uncomfortable, and I might have some down time. If any of my friends guilt trip me about not hanging out I will strangle them. seriously, is it that hard to understand my psychosis? Jesus, people.
So yeah...sad day of crying, but YAY BOOK, and OMG NO SCARY CHURCH RUN AWAY looming in the distance. I'm cold. I'm going to go crank my heat and try to find something to eat and resist the urge to splatter my brains across the walls (what brains? Ha ha). I'll catch you all later. Send thoughts of good and prayers and bombs so I don't have to go to church my way if you would. I love you all.
I've been crying all day. First, I watched "Celebrity Rehab" on VH1 last night and that fucking show makes me bawl and have flashbacks and panic attacks every goddamn time I watch it. Fuck that shit. But I want to see what happens just because I remember my own experiences, so I put myself through it and stay up all night freaking out. Then I walk to work in the cold and snow and want to die, then I got to work and I'm tired and we're busy right off the bat, so I jump in and get screamed at by Leesa, formerly known as "crazy pregnant lady." Remember when you asked me if she was always like this or it was only mood swings because she's pregnant blindingrhyme? Well, then I didn't know because I'd only known her when she was pregnant. Now I can safely say she's a fucking cunt and she needs to be knocked off her "I'm queen of the world" pedestal before I break her face. Outside of work, she's ok. Inside she's a Nazi who berates and snaps at everyone for what she perceives as their mistakes, but if she thinks she sees you looking at her crosseyed she screams at you for being so mean and rude. It makes me want to stab things. Namely her face. Everyone was in a pissy, snappy mood today and my migraine hurt and my head hurt (not always the same thing though that may seem strange) plus my feet hurt because they were swollen and bleeding from walking to work in this godforsaken weather and having to be bundled up in socks and shoes all day causes them to swell, crack, and bleed. AGH. Good thing I don't stand on my feet all day at work. Oh wait...
Then I got home and I had a card from my mom. She got my Christmas gift I sent out last Friday. She wants me to write her. This is huge because the last communication I got in the mail from her years ago said she would never understand how I could do what I did to my family and she never wanted to hear from me again but I was always her child and she would always love me. She's large with the guilt-trip, my mom. I saw her for Christmas a few years ago and she looked so old and frail it broke my heart. I took the time to pick out a gift I knew she loved, nutcracker figurines (because she loved collecting them when I was a kid) and I picked out a Christmas card that I knew would touch her heart because it talked about loving memories from the past and how a mother's love was important even if she didn't always hear from me. It was a big deal to hear from her. My brother still hates me, but I do love him, and her, and I do want to try opening lines of communication. I want to shower her with gifts as much as I can on my budget because I want to make her smile. Whatever she did to me as a kid...she did love me, and I know it, and I want to try and make her happy however I can. I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I do love my mom a lot and it means a lot that she wrote me back with no guilt trip, and I just...I'm repeating myself, but I love her and I wan to try and be a family as much as I can.
*takes break to cry for awhile*
So yeah. then i worked on my book and made myself cry again. I need to quit this. what's all this crying bullshit? I used to be cold and uncaring and dead inside; I need to get back to that. It was easier that way.
Ok, so another crying point...remember how I was going to go to chu8rch on Sunday? I still am planning to, but guess who wasn't scheduled to work but is now scheduled to work? Guess! GUESS!!!!! I now HAVE to go to the 8 AM service, no other way I can go, so I have to set my alarm for 6:30, get up, get together and go, sit in church and freak out and die, resurrect myself, dick around for an hour and a half, probably kill myself and resurrect myself again, then walk to work and work an 8 hour shift. YAY OMG IM SO HAPPY CANT U TELL?!?!?
The only redeeming value to all this is now I will have Monday off, a real day off where I don't have to go anywhere or be anything that makes me uncomfortable, and I might have some down time. If any of my friends guilt trip me about not hanging out I will strangle them. seriously, is it that hard to understand my psychosis? Jesus, people.
So yeah...sad day of crying, but YAY BOOK, and OMG NO SCARY CHURCH RUN AWAY looming in the distance. I'm cold. I'm going to go crank my heat and try to find something to eat and resist the urge to splatter my brains across the walls (what brains? Ha ha). I'll catch you all later. Send thoughts of good and prayers and bombs so I don't have to go to church my way if you would. I love you all.