(no subject)
I don't usually do this type of thing but my friend edtheripper posted this, it's from a guy he knows from a message board...
"I hope I do not make anybody upset by posting this, but I could use the forum's help. I am entered in a contest hosted by a local radio station in Cincinnati. It is located here
http://www.wkrq.com/pages/n_hothusband.php (I am Jeff)
I know this might not look that great, but hear me out. I am married and my mother in law is battling breast cancer. My father in law puts everybody first and never takes care of himself. I want to win this contest and donate the prize to him. That is why I am aksing you to vote(Even if you think I am extremely ugly)
Please help me out with this."
So, if you wouldn't mind, click the link and vote for Jeff. It seems to be for a good cause in that it'd be taking care of someone who puts others first. If you're down with the cause, pass the word around and help this guy's father-in-law out. Thanks!
I just voted for the guy, and he's not only trying to help someone, he's actually a hottie, so I'm happy with my vote. :-p
In other news...
In This Entry My friend peskipiksi says I'm "smarter than" she is. Which boggles my mind. Because, like, nu-uh, no I'm not, I'm not even in grad school. I was talking with someone this week, and he kept saying that God loves me, God thinks I'm awesome, and he kept giving me all these things I've done and accomplished and all these reasons I should hope, and I kept shaking my head not because I'm willfully insolent but because it doesn't register, no matter what he or anyone says, I can't think anything but that I'm worthless, manipulative, a failure, stupid, etc. His list of reasons this isn't true is as follows:
1. I never went to school, my mom pulled my brother and I out of school and paid tuition at a home school so she'd have papers saying we were in school if the police ever checked, but she never taught us (she tried a few times, but her temper always led her to go off and scream at me and quit so i was afraid of her) so I taught myself to read and write and such, and I got one year of high school after I went into foster care which I used to pass my GEDs and ACTs and STILL went to college and graduated with a 4.0.
2. I have a job. At McDonald's, but it IS a job.
3. I'm pretty.
4. I admit I need help and keep seeking it, even though it's failed me 390834293409290340932 times.
He kept listing those things, and I know those things about myself. I am proud of my accomplishment in school (it's the only thing I can point to that I KNOW I kicked ass at) but honestly, it feels like it was my one shot at glory and I aced it, but it's in the past now because now that I've graduated, I still can't SOUND intelligent when I try to talk to people and I can't look people in the eye and I'm terrified, etc. I know I have a job, but even though I like my job, I don't feel like it makes me a success. It's a low-wage, low-respect job, and it's not enough for me to pay all my loans back and pay all my bills and tithe and keep my Compassion child...I feel very stuck. He keeps reminding me that I'm lucky to be employed at all with the horrible economy and not to listen to the creditors who say "well you should have thought of this BEFORE you took out that school loan," and I KNOW that, but knowing that doesn't make me feel any less stuck. I know I'm not hideously ugly, and there's times I think I actually look teh hawtt, but that doesn't mean I don't have times I want to look like Adrienne Curry. Note: Do NOT reply to this with "you're pretty, I've TOLD you so," because it WILL. NOT. HELP. Ass. I KNOW you're trying to help, I KNOW you mean well, but don't you see the lack of intelligence in reading me say "I don't think I'm pretty no matter what people say" and then saying, "I think you're pretty"? Duh, moron, my point is that it's hard for me to believe positive things about myself, you telling me I SHOULD believe positive things about myself isn't going to help, genius. And don't tell me "Adrianne Curry has times she doesn't think she's pretty, too," I KNOW we're all insecure sometimes, that doesn't change the fact that I wish I could look like HER and be insecure, at least I'd look like a model. :-p I'm not fishing for compliments, I don't want them, my point is I have trouble believing good things about myself and have NO PROBLEM believing the bad things. And finally, I KNOW I must not be hopelessly insane if I can realize I have negative crap going on and I need help to get out of it, and I keep seeking said help, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less when said help kicks me in the face. I keep looking for something, ANYTHING that will help (and that means PROFESSIONAL help, not you, as much as I know you have "Good Intentions" (tm) telling me what I should think). So I've seen over 20 counselors and talked with pastors and joined support groupd and confessed my sins a million times (real sins and imagined sins) and prayed for hours and hours and wept, and had pastors tell me there was something wrong with me because I prayed for hours and wept, and read the bible and memorized the bible and quoted the bible...And on and on and on...I've done all the right things, I've done good things, I could quote for you every single thing I SHOULD believe about what God thinks about me. But it doesn't change the fact that deep down, I feel like a selfish, ungrateful, evil wicked filthy slutty miserable worthless failure, and I'm afraid people will get to know me and discover the truth about me and be sick of me and hate me. That's why, when people like peskipiksi say nice things about me, even if they say these things a lot, I think, "yeah, she thinks that NOW, but as soon as she finds out the truth, she'll hate me" and any time I have a fight with my friends I think, "well, it's over, they'll hate me now," and any time people even act a tiny bit like they're tired of me I think, "well, so much for THAT friendship, they don't really want me around anymore, they've finally gotten tired of me."
So this guy who was talking to me this week, he got quiet for awhile, and then he said, "Wow, your mother must have really messed you up if she got a beautiful, intelligent person like you to believe you're so ugly and stupid and worthless." And...yeah, I don't know. Maybe there was a time when I could have broken out of it, but it's been reinforced so many times...this guy said he has a Ph.D in psychology and HE didn't think I was worthless, and I countered with "I had a guy with a Ph.D in psychology tell me I was manipulative and only making things up to keep drama in my life, and I had another guy with a Ph.D ion osychology who was a christian AND a pastor facilitate me taking off my clothes and being held down in a room while he told me I was just trying to get attention and I didn't want help and I was just playing the victim, and I wasn't really a Christian like I was pretending to be. So I don't hold a very high opinion of what people with Ph.D's in psychology think. I think...I think I gave up then, only a little, but enough so when the next 484384983894398549054954 times I sought help from the church and my fears were reinforced I just...decided I didn't WANT hope anymore. Because hope is what hurts me. I don't get hurt because I'm cynical and jaded and don't have hope, I get hurt when I have hope and it gets crushed. And we ended our meeting with this guy saying he was out of things to say and he was going to pray and he wanted me to pray about what we could do to counter this...
Anyway, I'd rather not write about all this, but I did, so here are some ground rules. Do not reply to this post with the comment "I think you're smart" or anything like that (I'm looking at YOU, e_w_gullet...in fact it might be better if you don't reply at all to this, because you're the worst offender in this category). I am NOT making this post because I want you to tell me what to do or tell me what I should think and feel, that does NOT help me and in fact you only make things worse when you do so. I understand you're all trying to help, but I do NOT want "help" at this point, because the very nature of what I'm discussing is an ingrained thought pattern that makes people's "advice" and logical reasoning moot because of how I've viewed myself all my life. Therefore, saying "That's not true, people don't think you're worthless, I've heard people like Dani say you're smart all the time" (still looking at you, e_w_gullet) when I'm trying to explain how I feel does NOT help me, it only makes me feel like crap, and I'm NOT saying something that "isn't true," I'm explaining how I honestly FEEL, so inturrupting me with 3983298932392 examples of why I'm wrong isn't HELPING, it's only invalidating how I feel and the POINT is that, for some reason, no matter how many times people say these good things about me, I don't believe them. That's the whole truth of this, and why it's so frustrating. It's so hard to get out of thinking I'm worthless (HERE I AM NOT INVITING YOU TO REPLY AND ADVISE ME WITH "OMG, LEIK, HEER IS HOW 2 STOP FEELING TIHS WAY" BECAUSE I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL, BUT YOUR "ADVICE" DOES NOT HELP ME STOP FEELING THIS WAY, IT ONLY MAKES ME FEEL BAD BECAUSE ALL ANY OF YOU EVER SAY IS STUFF I KNOW AND HAVE TRIED 39324983429034209094320934209342 ALL MY LIFE, SO IT'S ONE MORE REASON TO FEEL GUILTY THAT I'M NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH, SO PLEASE ONLY REPLY TO DISCUSS THIS IN A DETACHED MANNER, NOT BY SAYING, "HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, LILLIAN." IF YOU REALLY THINK I'M SMART, THEN ACT LIKE IT, AND REALIZE THAT I PROBABLY KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO AND HAVE TRIED TO DO SO FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS WITH NO SUCCESS, THAT'S WHY I'M FRUSTRATED).
Edit: this entry took me 39238949234893429083420943 years to write, because I kept getting distracted and drooling over Stabler in the icon below. Mmmmmmmm...Stabler...