(no subject)
And furthermore...
I think it's funny that people tell me to tell someone the first time something little comes up, when I spend the whole post saying I DO tell someone the first time something little comes up. I do tell people these things. My whole point is that people don't like it, and they can't handle it, and I give tons of reasons why I think this might be so. The point is, people don't like conflict, even of the "Hey, could you use a plastic spatula on the nonstick cookware? The metal ones scratch the surface" variety.
When I say "relationship" I'm basing this off years of experience with friendships, pastors, their wives, roommates, foster parents, etc. Even people who say "I want to know if something I do or say bothers you, please tell me" will eventually get frustrated if you DO bring these things up. Like I said, maybe hearing that something they did was wrong makes them focus on their failures and makes them feel inadequate. I don;t know what it is. But it doesn't matter if you tell people "I need to bring up these concerns when they happen" and you tell people you came from an abusive family where people ignored problems expecting them to go away and it tore the family apart, and you don't want to ignore these things so you're not attacking, you just need to air these concerns and you want them to do the same. Word for word, I've told that to people. And they're ALWAYS supportive of this at the beginning, but after awhile, they start to say you "focus on the negative," which is flat out wrong. I actually went through last time I had a failed relationship attempt (a rather huge one with a pastor and his wife who said they wanted to mentor and "disciple" me) and counted the number of concerns I shared against the number of positive comments and thanks I gave, and the concerns I shares were less than a third of the positive things I shared (and that was just with the things I could remember saying positive, whereas I had a record of every concern I shared because I had the emails and letters to remember them by) and people still say all you do is focus on the negative, because they refuse to see how working out concerns like this is positive, and they want something to attack you with when you make them uncomfortable.
When you say “valuing the relationship more,” is it really more or is it differently? I wonder if it is necessarily wrong to avoid bringing these things up or just a different way of looking at a relationship? Maybe some people can not talk about these kinds of things without them turning into something big. I don’t know. (response I got to my last post from someone on an LJ community)
How can you say it's NOT wrong to not bring up concerns if you have them? If you are hurt by someone and you DON'T mention it, that festers. But even if say, these things don't bother you, that's fine if that's the kind of person you are, but to expect other people to be like you and tell them not to bring up their concerns if they feel it's something they have to do, especially if you said at the beginning of a relationship that's what you WANT them to do, that's just unfair. Even if people say each person values the relationship equally, that's fine, but no way in God's name would the person who addresses concerns be valuing the relationship LESS than the person who ignores them. How am I valuing the relationship less than someone who doesn't let me know if I hurt them? Even if we value the relationship equally, there's no logical way to say I value it less because I care enough to address concerns and not let them tear me apart or pile up and become something big, but that's always what people accuse me of, bringing up ways I am hurt because I don;t value they relationship.
I think it's funny that people tell me to tell someone the first time something little comes up, when I spend the whole post saying I DO tell someone the first time something little comes up. I do tell people these things. My whole point is that people don't like it, and they can't handle it, and I give tons of reasons why I think this might be so. The point is, people don't like conflict, even of the "Hey, could you use a plastic spatula on the nonstick cookware? The metal ones scratch the surface" variety.
When I say "relationship" I'm basing this off years of experience with friendships, pastors, their wives, roommates, foster parents, etc. Even people who say "I want to know if something I do or say bothers you, please tell me" will eventually get frustrated if you DO bring these things up. Like I said, maybe hearing that something they did was wrong makes them focus on their failures and makes them feel inadequate. I don;t know what it is. But it doesn't matter if you tell people "I need to bring up these concerns when they happen" and you tell people you came from an abusive family where people ignored problems expecting them to go away and it tore the family apart, and you don't want to ignore these things so you're not attacking, you just need to air these concerns and you want them to do the same. Word for word, I've told that to people. And they're ALWAYS supportive of this at the beginning, but after awhile, they start to say you "focus on the negative," which is flat out wrong. I actually went through last time I had a failed relationship attempt (a rather huge one with a pastor and his wife who said they wanted to mentor and "disciple" me) and counted the number of concerns I shared against the number of positive comments and thanks I gave, and the concerns I shares were less than a third of the positive things I shared (and that was just with the things I could remember saying positive, whereas I had a record of every concern I shared because I had the emails and letters to remember them by) and people still say all you do is focus on the negative, because they refuse to see how working out concerns like this is positive, and they want something to attack you with when you make them uncomfortable.
When you say “valuing the relationship more,” is it really more or is it differently? I wonder if it is necessarily wrong to avoid bringing these things up or just a different way of looking at a relationship? Maybe some people can not talk about these kinds of things without them turning into something big. I don’t know. (response I got to my last post from someone on an LJ community)
How can you say it's NOT wrong to not bring up concerns if you have them? If you are hurt by someone and you DON'T mention it, that festers. But even if say, these things don't bother you, that's fine if that's the kind of person you are, but to expect other people to be like you and tell them not to bring up their concerns if they feel it's something they have to do, especially if you said at the beginning of a relationship that's what you WANT them to do, that's just unfair. Even if people say each person values the relationship equally, that's fine, but no way in God's name would the person who addresses concerns be valuing the relationship LESS than the person who ignores them. How am I valuing the relationship less than someone who doesn't let me know if I hurt them? Even if we value the relationship equally, there's no logical way to say I value it less because I care enough to address concerns and not let them tear me apart or pile up and become something big, but that's always what people accuse me of, bringing up ways I am hurt because I don;t value they relationship.