Hi, my name is Kai
It seems to me that when I start to figure something out, my naivety and my illusions kind of give way. More clearly, when some issues resolve themselves (or I learn to deal with them) deeper subjects that I have pushed aside come to the surface.
What is coming to the surface now is me, or rather how I view/feel about/think about me.
I don't feel comfortable. I don't feel *right* for most of the time, and it's something that has been around for a long while. I can't quite explain the feeling, although I think the word dysphoria captures it.
It's like a chaos. A sense of swirling without order or beauty. Like bubbling goo or gears trying to turn against each other. It hangs like dread, but as it has no identifiable cause or reason to it I can (could) only think of it as a funk or some sort of mild depression resulting from low self-esteem.
Essentially, I feel that something is off. That something about me is not complete or is left dormant, sleeping, and atrophying.
I remember it was its strongest from when I was just entering high school until I was a junior. During this time I sought spirituality and religion to better understand what I felt and to find a sense of community and belonging. This time accounts for a lot of my strong spiritual (or superstitious) beliefs, as well as why I have so much random knowledge about esoteric topics.
I also was introduced to the idea of soul/spirit separate from body. How one could not be a match for the other.
Different communities taught me about trans issues before I even knew what that was. And, in a way, transgender as a concept makes more sense to me than queer sexual orientations. (If you're curious about that, I'll explain. Otherwise, it'd just be a long digression).
Well, I pushed and learned and explored on topics of spirituality, started gaining a sexuality and figured queer sexual orientation was the root of my dysphoria (in addition to some other things).
But, that chaos has come back again. My sexual orientation isn't so cut and dry as to be pure lesbian, but I think few peoples' are and I accept that. But, that isn't the root of my disquiet.
More and more, I feel like gender and I are getting rather estranged. It makes me uncomfortable to be viewed as female and as male. I crave some other identification that is outside that system. Plus, the push for labels drives me insane, although I still seek one for myself because I still seek community and the stability and understand it at least appears to bring (for a while).
Being a lesbian is important to me. It's an identity that I feel strongly about and I feel so comfortable being an open, bold lesbian.
Also, being a woman isn't something that I would give up. It's my personal heritage and I'm not ashamed of it in any way.
But, while I don't feel like a man/like I desire total masculinity/something like that, I don't reject it or feel right calling myself a woman.
In instances where people talk to me referring to young women, or I fill out a form, etc I feel like it's wrong. I can make it fit, and I can do it, but it's not all of me.
I feel that I am an androgyne, a genderqueer.
I wish that I could be without gender, but there are gender systems established and we communicate in their terms. So, I wish to mix what is perceived as masculine and what is perceived as feminine. People will make assessments without my input, so I want to take control of it more than now.
Most importantly, I want to reconcile how I view myself with how others view me. I want to make the secret way I view myself to be the one I show to the world. I want to let go of my shame and doubt so that I can finally explore it. Because, as it stands, I'm constantly upset, unsettled, self-conscious, depressed, and bitter.
I want to try living and presenting as the gender I actually am so I can be at peace.
Now, there are several issues with this.
1.) My identity as a lesbian is sort of screwed. I may not have changed and I may still identify with/as lesbian, but queer women may think otherwise. It saddens me, I believe that being androgynous in label and appearance would repel/not attract those that would be attracted were I just androgynous in appearance and female in label. Gender policing has already been an issue for me in a relationship, so I know I don't take it very well.
And this fear carries over to issues to the lesbian community and feminist critiques/digs on female-born people embracing/accepting/seeking masculinity or some thing. It's not just a relationship concern type thing.
Again something I can discuss further, but I just don't feel like it now.
2.) I'm still afraid. I'm nervous and self-conscious presenting as myself, especially at home. I kind of told my mom and she cried. I want to change my name to something more gender-neutral, but I don't want to hurt my family. I feel like that would feel like a betrayal. Like they were losing their daughter, granddaugther,sister, etc.
I'm scared of what people will do around me in public places. I can only shop for men's clothing by myself by thinking that other people will think I'm shopping for someone else. It's a paranoia that someone's going to jump out of the clothes rack and rip the clothes out of my hand. Because I'm false and shouldn't be that way. That how I feel isn't real--- it's crazy.
I constantly feel invalidated by instances that take power over my gender presentation away from me. These instances lower my confidence and make me less likely to stand up for myself.
My name change is a huge issue in that case.
I'm not ready to legally change my name. I can barely ask a friend to call me Kai without hiding or crying. And, it's attached to shame that I can't quite explain.
Each time I think: Kai--- you took that name when you were a little teenage emo-kid researching reincarnation on otherkin sites. Kai is a delusion and it's crazy and arrogant and false.
Kai also sounds too dungeons and dragons. It sounds like you're stealing from other cultures. It sounds like you're pathetic, because you want some cool name you found somewhere. Why don't you just take a name out of Tolkien for Chrissakes?
Being Kai is being me, but calling myself that and embracing my androgyny and being openly genderqueer bring up all the insecurities that I've ever buried as a 13 year old kid.
I need some help with this, you know. If you read this, please try to call me Kai.
Please don't let me run away from being myself like I have before.
Please don't invalidate me.
What is coming to the surface now is me, or rather how I view/feel about/think about me.
I don't feel comfortable. I don't feel *right* for most of the time, and it's something that has been around for a long while. I can't quite explain the feeling, although I think the word dysphoria captures it.
It's like a chaos. A sense of swirling without order or beauty. Like bubbling goo or gears trying to turn against each other. It hangs like dread, but as it has no identifiable cause or reason to it I can (could) only think of it as a funk or some sort of mild depression resulting from low self-esteem.
Essentially, I feel that something is off. That something about me is not complete or is left dormant, sleeping, and atrophying.
I remember it was its strongest from when I was just entering high school until I was a junior. During this time I sought spirituality and religion to better understand what I felt and to find a sense of community and belonging. This time accounts for a lot of my strong spiritual (or superstitious) beliefs, as well as why I have so much random knowledge about esoteric topics.
I also was introduced to the idea of soul/spirit separate from body. How one could not be a match for the other.
Different communities taught me about trans issues before I even knew what that was. And, in a way, transgender as a concept makes more sense to me than queer sexual orientations. (If you're curious about that, I'll explain. Otherwise, it'd just be a long digression).
Well, I pushed and learned and explored on topics of spirituality, started gaining a sexuality and figured queer sexual orientation was the root of my dysphoria (in addition to some other things).
But, that chaos has come back again. My sexual orientation isn't so cut and dry as to be pure lesbian, but I think few peoples' are and I accept that. But, that isn't the root of my disquiet.
More and more, I feel like gender and I are getting rather estranged. It makes me uncomfortable to be viewed as female and as male. I crave some other identification that is outside that system. Plus, the push for labels drives me insane, although I still seek one for myself because I still seek community and the stability and understand it at least appears to bring (for a while).
Being a lesbian is important to me. It's an identity that I feel strongly about and I feel so comfortable being an open, bold lesbian.
Also, being a woman isn't something that I would give up. It's my personal heritage and I'm not ashamed of it in any way.
But, while I don't feel like a man/like I desire total masculinity/something like that, I don't reject it or feel right calling myself a woman.
In instances where people talk to me referring to young women, or I fill out a form, etc I feel like it's wrong. I can make it fit, and I can do it, but it's not all of me.
I feel that I am an androgyne, a genderqueer.
I wish that I could be without gender, but there are gender systems established and we communicate in their terms. So, I wish to mix what is perceived as masculine and what is perceived as feminine. People will make assessments without my input, so I want to take control of it more than now.
Most importantly, I want to reconcile how I view myself with how others view me. I want to make the secret way I view myself to be the one I show to the world. I want to let go of my shame and doubt so that I can finally explore it. Because, as it stands, I'm constantly upset, unsettled, self-conscious, depressed, and bitter.
I want to try living and presenting as the gender I actually am so I can be at peace.
Now, there are several issues with this.
1.) My identity as a lesbian is sort of screwed. I may not have changed and I may still identify with/as lesbian, but queer women may think otherwise. It saddens me, I believe that being androgynous in label and appearance would repel/not attract those that would be attracted were I just androgynous in appearance and female in label. Gender policing has already been an issue for me in a relationship, so I know I don't take it very well.
And this fear carries over to issues to the lesbian community and feminist critiques/digs on female-born people embracing/accepting/seeking masculinity or some thing. It's not just a relationship concern type thing.
Again something I can discuss further, but I just don't feel like it now.
2.) I'm still afraid. I'm nervous and self-conscious presenting as myself, especially at home. I kind of told my mom and she cried. I want to change my name to something more gender-neutral, but I don't want to hurt my family. I feel like that would feel like a betrayal. Like they were losing their daughter, granddaugther,sister, etc.
I'm scared of what people will do around me in public places. I can only shop for men's clothing by myself by thinking that other people will think I'm shopping for someone else. It's a paranoia that someone's going to jump out of the clothes rack and rip the clothes out of my hand. Because I'm false and shouldn't be that way. That how I feel isn't real--- it's crazy.
I constantly feel invalidated by instances that take power over my gender presentation away from me. These instances lower my confidence and make me less likely to stand up for myself.
My name change is a huge issue in that case.
I'm not ready to legally change my name. I can barely ask a friend to call me Kai without hiding or crying. And, it's attached to shame that I can't quite explain.
Each time I think: Kai--- you took that name when you were a little teenage emo-kid researching reincarnation on otherkin sites. Kai is a delusion and it's crazy and arrogant and false.
Kai also sounds too dungeons and dragons. It sounds like you're stealing from other cultures. It sounds like you're pathetic, because you want some cool name you found somewhere. Why don't you just take a name out of Tolkien for Chrissakes?
Being Kai is being me, but calling myself that and embracing my androgyny and being openly genderqueer bring up all the insecurities that I've ever buried as a 13 year old kid.
I need some help with this, you know. If you read this, please try to call me Kai.
Please don't let me run away from being myself like I have before.
Please don't invalidate me.