In Progress

[bemypuppet]

Title: Now My Head's Been Filled With Doubt
Characters: Dai, Belldandy
Location: Belldandy's room
Rating: PG-13, language and talk about violent things
Summary: Dai can't sleep and there's only one person he can think to go to
Day/Time: 64/65, late night/early morning

Comments

[presentkindness]

Belldandy awoke at the knock, looking over at the door blearily. "I'll be there in a minute." She called, sitting up and getting out of bed, grabbing a robe and putting it on over her nightgown, walking over to the door, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

She opened the door, blinking a few times before it registered it was Dai. It was a few more moments before she smiled and stepped out of the way. "Come in." She said, turning on the main light.

[bemypuppet]

"Sorry I woke you up," he said quietly. He normally didn't apologize, but right now Dai's mind was far from its normal self. Dai stepped inside, bare feet barely making a sound. "I can't sleep right now."

[presentkindness]

"It's all right." Belldandy said, closing the door after him. "I'll be awake in a minute." Belldandy said, brushing away stray strands of hair. "Have a seat." She said, gesturing to the small table with two chairs. Just in case she wanted to meet with someone in her room for tea or something of the like.

[bemypuppet]

Dai sat down and sighed loudly. Trying to explain what was spinning around in his head would probably take forever, and it probably wouldn't make any sense. But part of him said it was the only thing that would give him any sort of chance to rest or have relief from his guilt. "I don't know where to start with what I want to say."

[presentkindness]

"How about...you start what happened exactly with that phone call?" Belldandy asked, working on starting the coffee maker. She wanted to be aware when Dai was talking to her, after all. She could listen, but she wanted to think clearly as well.

[bemypuppet]

Coffee seemed like a good idea right now. Dai watched Belldandy start it, nodded slowly, and took a slow breath before starting.

"At first, we talked about little things like how Naru was doing now that he dropped out of school and why I hadn't called him until last night. Jaehee called me a fucking moron for what I did to Mao. My brother wants me out and he's trying to think of a way to convince my father to get me out. Then I asked him if he knew how Ms. Jin was doing." Dai had never spoken her real name before, simply the nickname everyone gave her.

His voice grew shaky. "Jaehee told me that she'd been released from the hospital and went back to school, but she kept dropping things and couldn't read what she just wrote on the blackboard. So she went back to the doctor and they found out that part of her skull is pressed against her optic nerves. They can't fix it." Thinking about it made the world spin and Dai once again felt that he was about to crash and break into a million pieces.

[presentkindness]

So she was going blind. Belldandy looked over at Dai. "And you feel guilty for that?" She asked.

[bemypuppet]

He sighed. "Of course. If I hadn't taken her out and got her drunk enough to be put into that sleeping bag, she'd be just fine. She'd be praying for me and that punk who tried to think he was tougher than me. Her losing her sight is all my fault." Dai's eyes were full of tears, but he didn't want to let them fall. He didn't want to break, not now that he didn't even deserve to have Jaehee put him back together.

[presentkindness]

Belldandy watched Dai for a few moments longer than normal before walking over, reaching out to gently touch his cheek. She usually didn't make such contact without more thought, but she was still a bit hazy. "Dai, holding back in times like these...will do no good." She said. "Letting them out the way they want to come out is better so you don't hurt yourself again."

[bemypuppet]

He closed his eyes tightly when she touched him and felt the tears start to fall. He didn't deserve her being nice to him, not when he'd messed up so far beyond what any typical person would be able to forgive. Dai leaned forward to rest his head on his right arm.

"If I go back to Korea, she'll just look at me and say it's okay, that she already forgave me and she's not mad even though I ruined her life," he sobbed. "Jaehee will try to act like he understands why I did it. I don't deserve someone as nice as him, not when I'm such a bastard to him over and over again. Didn't even warn him before I got shipped here."

[presentkindness]

Belldandy smiled gently wrapping her arms around him, motherly instincts taking over. "It's all right, Dai. Let it all out." She whispered gently, rubbing his back gently.

[bemypuppet]

Dai shook his head and tensed when Belldandy tried to hug him. If she touched him, there was a chance he'd hit her and that was not what he wanted right now. "I just wanted the other punks to get scared stupid enough to leave people the fuck alone and instead I ruined the life of someone completely good. I don't deserve her forgiveness or Jaehee's love. I should just disappear, never go back to Seoul or talk to any of the people I knew there again."

Saying that made his heart ache. He knew what Jaehee would be like if he left him after all the shit they'd done to each other.

[presentkindness]

"Everyone deserves forgiveness if they regret their actions." Belldandy said softly. "And everyone deserves love."

[bemypuppet]

"I regret this. Never thought I would, either. But I hurt the people I love." Dai kept pushing people away; Jaehee and his teacher are the only ones who haven't given up and run away. He took a slow, shuddering breath. This hurt even worse then his grandma's death had.

[presentkindness]

"Then you can be forgiven." Belldandy whispered soothingly. "Regret is to tell us what we don't want to do again. Listen to it and learn."

[bemypuppet]

"She can forgive me," he began, choking on the words and trying to make himself say the next part. "But I'm not sure I can. I can't face her after this. I can hurt anyone who comes after me or Jaehee...just not the innocent." Admitting that hurt, and opened the door for him to also regret what had happened to Eunhyung.