Title: The Difference
Author: Luxuria_Oceanus
Rating: PG-13 I think
Disclaimer: I don’t own Firefly, Serenity, or any of the characters in them, they all belong to Joss, but boy oh boy if they were mine…
Pairings: Mal/River
Notes: This is just another piece, not a fic. This is really… sad, yet sweet, I’d say, but then again so is the song that inspired it. It’s actually a song in Spanish, I was browsing through an artists’ lyrics and when I read this one, it just screamed “RIVER” so I had to go there lol Bear with me, I’m crazy and still kind of tipsy… and to think I only drank ONE bottle of Smearnoff. Oy. I’m actually going to use the lyrics in the song, but they’ll be translated. Obviously the song is in Spanish, so it sounds better in Spanish, but for your sake (and my sake) I’ll translate it :) The song is called “La Diferencia” (the difference) by Nadia.
The Difference
Even if you waste your time without my love
Even if you don’t want this love I offer you
Even if you don't want to pronounce my humble name
Either way, I will keep on loving you
River watched as Mal walked towards her, no, not towards her, but past her. In that moment when he walked up the stairs, she could feel him look at her. Even though it was only for a second, the effect it had on her was incredible. Two years since the Miranda incident. In those two years everything and nothing had changed. Simon and Kaylee were married. Zoe had learned how to smile, even if they were only her usual hidden smiles, and Jayne was still Jayne. River sighed as she looked at her boots. She had worn them because she thought he’d take her with them on their job, but he didn’t. He had been this way ever since she kissed him. He had pushed her back. He had done it in a gentle manner, a kind manner, but it still felt like a kick in the gut for her.
He didn’t even call her by her usual nickname anymore. He barely crossed eyes with her. She wished she could see what was in his mind, to understand it, to decipher it, but he would avoid her at all costs and keep his thoughts cloaked. It was something he had learned, they had all learned with time; to replace thoughts with other thoughts to keep their mind shielded. She hated it, yet regardless of all the torture, regardless of everything he did, her heart would still beat like possessed drums every time she thought of him in danger.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I know that you will never, you will never love me
That I came too late for your love
Don’t hate me, it's not my fault, don't be cruel
Because you are the one I dream of falling in love with
She was standing at the bridge, looking at the way he looked into the nothingness as if there was something he could see. She wanted to be that something. She wanted to be anything as long as it would bring him that look on his face like the one he had then. “Mal” she whispered. She knew he heard her. She could feel the shiver she had caused him, and all she did was say his name. “Hey kid” he said. She winced. ‘Kid’ She had preferred it when he called her lil’ albatross, but now this was his way of reminding her why it wouldn’t work. She didn’t choose to be born later than him. It wasn’t her fault her young heart yearned for his. It was cruelty, and she never expected it from him, but it never made her love him any less.
She sat on Wash’s seat drawing her legs up to her chest. She felt him look at her, but she didn’t look back. “Not a kid. One day you will have to see that” she whispered. He sighed, and said nothing, but his thoughts said too much. She bit her lip and shook her head. “Not my fault… didn’t choose it, it chose me” she said bitterly as she glared at him, a glare of love instead of hate. He caught it for a moment, he even looked like he was going to respond, but before he could open his mouth, and he stood up and walked away. Fear. She had felt it. He had been careless and let her read that part. He was afraid… but of what?
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What harm can I do to you by loving you?
If you don't love me, I understand
I know perfectly that I wasn't born for you
But what can I do, if I already love you?
She was angry, but he was angrier. She had broken into his bunk, and he was not in a good mood to begin with and he still had a bottle of alcohol in his hand. “What are you so afraid of? Do I scare you? Afraid I’ll kill you in your sleep?” she hissed, not wanting to scream, but almost getting there. They had come from a little party that a town had thrown in their honor for scaring off some bandits. River had enjoyed it, they were dancing, all of them, except Jayne and Zoe. When the music hit a certain beat they had to switch partners with whoever stood beside them, and when Mal noticed he was beside River, he had turned to sit down. He used the excuse that he was tired, but River saw the truth. He had shut her down, in front of everyone, even if they didn’t see it that way.
“That door was locked for a reason, so I think you should turn an’ leave, right now” he said with an angry look on his face. “No. Not getting rid of me. I want to know. I want to understand. Why do I make you so afraid? Don’t understand. Do understand what you don’t feel, but don’t understand what you do feel” she said, her little voice having more strength than she knew, and it was having an effect on him. “Understand that it shouldn’t be, but can’t control it. Too late, already there, and I don’t want to turn around” she said crossing her arms. He dropped his bottle, rushed to her, taking her face in his hands as he kissed her roughly, as her eyes remained open in surprise. She returned his kiss after two seconds, but it was all in vain because he stopped it before she could return it properly. “Go” he whispered through gritted teeth. “But” “I said GO!” he yelled making her run to the ladder, tears escaping her eyes.
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Let me live this way
I love you just as you are, without conditions
Without waiting, that one day you will love me as I love you
I am conscious that you will never love me.
It was worse now. He no longer avoided her, but ignored her. He only spoke to her when it was fully necessary, and it would just be the relationship of a pilot and a captain. She hated it. She was lying down on her bed when the door opened. She stared at the open door of her room and at the man who had opened it. “This has gotta stop” he whispered. He had been drinking again. She closed her eyes and turned her back on him. “You’re the one with the problem. I’m fine.” she thought hugging her body tighter with each second that passed. “Is that so?” he asked. She bit her lip to keep from sobbing, and she nodded, not caring whether he saw through her or not. Just as he was going to close the door, she let her mouth utter words that she didn’t know if she’d regret, “I love you, Mal, want me or don’t want me, I want you” she said. The door finally closed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Maybe tomorrow I'll awake alone
But for the moment I want to keep dreaming
Don’t wake me; can't you see I'm happy this way?
I'm conscious that you are not for me.
She awoke in her bed, the trace of dry tears on her cheeks, as she stretched. She hugged her pillow, dreaming it was Mal, and feeling that tight pain in her heart. Mal had tried talking to her again. To convince her she needed to forget about that kiss, to forget about what she said. Now more than ever he was determined to talk to her, to tell her to forget about everything, but she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t let him. She had told him what she thought. She knew he wouldn’t love her. She knew he’d always have that fear in him. She called him a coward repeatedly, but he would just wince and walk away. But she wouldn’t let him crush what she felt, as much as it hurt, it made her happy at the same time. It was a pain that brought her joy. It was a pain that made her feel alive, human, and normal.
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There is no need for you to hate me
Put yourself in my place and see what you would do
The difference between you and me, my love
That I in your place... I in your place...
I... I would love you...
He was as drunk as ever now. He had been drinking so much lately that River had not thought of forming a pattern. He drank whenever she was on his mind. Why? What was he trying to accomplish with that? He was trying to numb something, but what? She looked at him across the bar and saw him walk outside. She followed him into the darkness, and lost him in an alley. It took her a moment to realize he was hiding from her. “Havin’ fun followin’ me?” he asked plainly. She sighed. “Wouldn’t call it fun” she said not turning to face him. She didn’t want to see his face and see it match his hateful tone. “Why…” she began to ask but couldn’t form the words properly.
“Why what?” he asked, his back resting on the wall of the bar. She sighed. She drew strength from the one place she barely had any in. Her heart was weak, but it had enough strength for this. “Why do you hate me? Why? Walk a mile in my shoes… see what road you would choose. That’s the difference between us, Malcolm.” she said, feeling him wince when she said his name in its’ complete form, “If I was in your shoes, I’d… I’d love me” she muttered looking at the floor in front of her. It was a surprise when she felt him turn her around and kiss her. She closed her eyes with him now. This time she couldn’t sense the fear, she couldn’t sense the hesitation, but she felt passion, yearning and wanting. All the feelings she had thought she was feeling alone, he was feeling them now.
He broke the kiss, holding her body close to his now, his head on her shoulder as she held her arms around his neck, hoping this wasn’t a dream. “For a reader, ya haven’t been doin’ your job right… I… I never hated you, bao bay. I love you… love you too much to ruin you, an’ that’s the real difference between us” he said making her laugh between sobs. She understood now. His fear, his hesitation, it was all clear to her now. While she was ready to risk it all for him, he wasn’t ready to risk her life for his feelings, and that was all she needed to know.
~*~*~*~The End~*~*~*~