Frustration
I have no idea what to do.
The only place I know of that I can afford doesn't allow children, and "afford" is relative.
We have a refrigerator that's full of food, though some of it is so old it needs to be thrown out, that the kids wont eat. I do not know what to feed them. I don't know how to keep them in their room at night without pulling off their diapers and getting poop on the floor. Our floor is sticky, yes, even the carpet, because they keep dumping their drinks on the floor and we have nothing to clean it up with. Yes, we've tried paper towels and even toilet paper, but it runs out so quickly when about 16oz of fluid get's dumped on the floor every day. My couch bed is a mess because of this. We've bought mops, but they keep breaking. I don't know if it's the kind Lee insists on buying or if the kids are abusing them.
I'm tired of Aidens fits. I'll open a door, say, to the closet, and he'll stand there and wont let me close it, and when I move him he fits.
Also, I'm afraid to try and wash the floors because the floors are so torn up and all the complaints of water leaking through our floor, but it's not like we're not ALREADY being evicted.
Oh yeah, i forgot to mention that.
We're being evicted.
We're going to move into Adriennes Nanas house in Hazelwood. So I'm going to need to take a bus to work now, adding an additional $80(or more, oh god it probably is more now, isn't it?) a month on top of having to pay for water. Which means getting up at about 5:30am to make sure I get my bus at 6:25 to make my 7 o`clock prep shift. (which has gotten better for the most part, not getting scheduled for the hours I was promised but getting close to them because I keep working past my scheduled shift.) I also got a raise, so I'm making $8/hr now. So, I'm getting.... on average, about ...eh,, let's be modest, $850 a month. If I can manage 35+ hours a week though, I'll make over $1,000 a month.
Back to the subject of the state of the house, though.
It's a mess. We have stuff everywhere, and I don't even know why we have some of it. I really wish we could just get it together and get it out of here. We can probably easily get rid of half the childrens toys in this house since they aren't played with very often if at all. Same thing with a bunch of the clothes. Most of the clothes in this house are dirty to the point of being unwearable becuase we just can't get laundry done. Make that I can't get laundry done, since I can't recall Adrienne or Lee doing more than one or two loads in the two years we've been here. So many of these clothes just need t be tossed out. They aren't being worn and we can't afford to wash them to give them away. They just need to be thrown away.
I like to think of myself as strong willed, but all my strength and willpower must be devoted to not having a breakdown because i can't even manage to sit and read the children a bedtime story, or even give them a proper bedtime ritual. I just feel burnt out all the time.
Clarisa helps that, sometimes. When she's not talking about her trying to make things work with other guys. But this is as much as I'm going to talk about her in this entry. She gets enough page time in all the others.
I need to get my drivers license. I wish I'd just gotten this done when I was younger, but I didn't care then. And later it became kind of a (OMG WHY CAN"T SPELL CHECK FIGURE OUT WHAT WORD I"M TRING TO SPELL!!!!) nusense. Yes. That word is misspelled, see the parenthetical statement. (I can spell parenthetical but not nusence(yes it's spelled differently then last time)
AHA! Nuisance! But I'm going to keep all that above because it's funny.
Anwyay.
Not being able to drive was never a huge inconvenience, except for a couple time when I wanted to date someone. Lately, however, it's becoming a problem. It limits me in ways that are no longer acceptable, and it'd be nice if I could just GO somewhere
However, perhaps because of the "burnt out" feeling I expressed above, perhaps because I'm depressed, or maybe because I'm just lazy, my goal of "get drivers license before summer s over" has not even started. Well, I got the drivers manual, and I got some forms to fill out so I can get a medical exam, but I"ve had the manual for over a month, and the medical forms for two or three weeks. So yeah. I'm stuck and I don't know how to unstick myself.
The only thing is that I know when I think about these things my brain pops like a fuse and I can't even focus on doing things i want to do for fun and end up doing nothing at all, or i don't think about them and nothing gets done anyway.
I don't feel like I'm doing anything to standard. I'm not taking care of the children properly, I'm not performing to(my) standards at work, I'm not following the advice I give others(this is my second and hopefully last, reference to Clarisa.) and I have no idea if I'm losing weight, gaining weight, or sort of hovering.
My worries about Adrienne and the children are keeping me from doing anything to improve my life, as well as my fear of leaving Steak and Shake for a new, hopefully better, job, only to not be able to keep the new job. Not having a car is also limiting my range in regards to work and housing.
Fixing all of this is going to take time, energy, money, and willpower. I don't think I have any of that.
The only place I know of that I can afford doesn't allow children, and "afford" is relative.
We have a refrigerator that's full of food, though some of it is so old it needs to be thrown out, that the kids wont eat. I do not know what to feed them. I don't know how to keep them in their room at night without pulling off their diapers and getting poop on the floor. Our floor is sticky, yes, even the carpet, because they keep dumping their drinks on the floor and we have nothing to clean it up with. Yes, we've tried paper towels and even toilet paper, but it runs out so quickly when about 16oz of fluid get's dumped on the floor every day. My couch bed is a mess because of this. We've bought mops, but they keep breaking. I don't know if it's the kind Lee insists on buying or if the kids are abusing them.
I'm tired of Aidens fits. I'll open a door, say, to the closet, and he'll stand there and wont let me close it, and when I move him he fits.
Also, I'm afraid to try and wash the floors because the floors are so torn up and all the complaints of water leaking through our floor, but it's not like we're not ALREADY being evicted.
Oh yeah, i forgot to mention that.
We're being evicted.
We're going to move into Adriennes Nanas house in Hazelwood. So I'm going to need to take a bus to work now, adding an additional $80(or more, oh god it probably is more now, isn't it?) a month on top of having to pay for water. Which means getting up at about 5:30am to make sure I get my bus at 6:25 to make my 7 o`clock prep shift. (which has gotten better for the most part, not getting scheduled for the hours I was promised but getting close to them because I keep working past my scheduled shift.) I also got a raise, so I'm making $8/hr now. So, I'm getting.... on average, about ...eh,, let's be modest, $850 a month. If I can manage 35+ hours a week though, I'll make over $1,000 a month.
Back to the subject of the state of the house, though.
It's a mess. We have stuff everywhere, and I don't even know why we have some of it. I really wish we could just get it together and get it out of here. We can probably easily get rid of half the childrens toys in this house since they aren't played with very often if at all. Same thing with a bunch of the clothes. Most of the clothes in this house are dirty to the point of being unwearable becuase we just can't get laundry done. Make that I can't get laundry done, since I can't recall Adrienne or Lee doing more than one or two loads in the two years we've been here. So many of these clothes just need t be tossed out. They aren't being worn and we can't afford to wash them to give them away. They just need to be thrown away.
I like to think of myself as strong willed, but all my strength and willpower must be devoted to not having a breakdown because i can't even manage to sit and read the children a bedtime story, or even give them a proper bedtime ritual. I just feel burnt out all the time.
Clarisa helps that, sometimes. When she's not talking about her trying to make things work with other guys. But this is as much as I'm going to talk about her in this entry. She gets enough page time in all the others.
I need to get my drivers license. I wish I'd just gotten this done when I was younger, but I didn't care then. And later it became kind of a (OMG WHY CAN"T SPELL CHECK FIGURE OUT WHAT WORD I"M TRING TO SPELL!!!!) nusense. Yes. That word is misspelled, see the parenthetical statement. (I can spell parenthetical but not nusence(yes it's spelled differently then last time)
AHA! Nuisance! But I'm going to keep all that above because it's funny.
Anwyay.
Not being able to drive was never a huge inconvenience, except for a couple time when I wanted to date someone. Lately, however, it's becoming a problem. It limits me in ways that are no longer acceptable, and it'd be nice if I could just GO somewhere
However, perhaps because of the "burnt out" feeling I expressed above, perhaps because I'm depressed, or maybe because I'm just lazy, my goal of "get drivers license before summer s over" has not even started. Well, I got the drivers manual, and I got some forms to fill out so I can get a medical exam, but I"ve had the manual for over a month, and the medical forms for two or three weeks. So yeah. I'm stuck and I don't know how to unstick myself.
The only thing is that I know when I think about these things my brain pops like a fuse and I can't even focus on doing things i want to do for fun and end up doing nothing at all, or i don't think about them and nothing gets done anyway.
I don't feel like I'm doing anything to standard. I'm not taking care of the children properly, I'm not performing to(my) standards at work, I'm not following the advice I give others(this is my second and hopefully last, reference to Clarisa.) and I have no idea if I'm losing weight, gaining weight, or sort of hovering.
My worries about Adrienne and the children are keeping me from doing anything to improve my life, as well as my fear of leaving Steak and Shake for a new, hopefully better, job, only to not be able to keep the new job. Not having a car is also limiting my range in regards to work and housing.
Fixing all of this is going to take time, energy, money, and willpower. I don't think I have any of that.