I really like the feel of this piece, but I have a bunch of small grammatical nitpicks.
Aeris paused, giving Zack a pointer look before continuing - this should be "pointed look"
“And you’re going stay alive if you listen to me.” She said with finality in her tone. - there should be a comma at the end of the dialogue, as these are not two separate complete sentences.
“So?” Aeris asked pointedly, bewildering Cloud into bring his stroking Zack’s hair to a pause. This sentence is a little clumsy; perhaps you might consider rephrasing the latter part to "causing Cloud's hand to still in stroking Zack's hair" or something similar.
She had no idea she comfort this person in front of her she barely knew but felt she should, from all the stories Zack had told her of this boy. - Should be "had no idea how to comfort..."
“Stay her, I know there really isn’t anywhere comfortable to sleep in this church but I think Zack would be happy to wake up with you sleeping by his side.” Aeris said with a smile. Second word should be "here," not "her
( ... )
Thanks. ^-^;; I have no beta reader so I don't notice the small obvious things that I can easily point in other people's works. Thank you again. You corrected my grammar and typing but you didn't mention if you liked it or not...
This is really sweet, but I'm itching to edit it... lassarina has pointed out a few things, so I'll make my comments more general. Dialogue tags aren't a separate sentence and therefore there should be no capital letter for 'he said', 'she said' etc. lassarina gave one example, but there are more.
I also think you overuse ellipsis. Too many of those trailing dots and you lose any impact. Also, it might just be that I have a personal vendetta against the word 'stated' but I really think you would be better off using 'said' in those instances. Stated to me suggests a flat, robotic tone and it really stands out as a word, whereas said blends into the background.
An AU where Zack is alive sounds really interesting and I wonder if you're going to continue this? I'm just slightly puzzled over how Aeris and Cloud know each other's names. It's not clear if they've been introduced or if Aeris has been looking after them for some time.
Comments 7
Aeris paused, giving Zack a pointer look before continuing - this should be "pointed look"
“And you’re going stay alive if you listen to me.” She said with finality in her tone. - there should be a comma at the end of the dialogue, as these are not two separate complete sentences.
“So?” Aeris asked pointedly, bewildering Cloud into bring his stroking Zack’s hair to a pause. This sentence is a little clumsy; perhaps you might consider rephrasing the latter part to "causing Cloud's hand to still in stroking Zack's hair" or something similar.
She had no idea she comfort this person in front of her she barely knew but felt she should, from all the stories Zack had told her of this boy. - Should be "had no idea how to comfort..."
“Stay her, I know there really isn’t anywhere comfortable to sleep in this church but I think Zack would be happy to wake up with you sleeping by his side.” Aeris said with a smile. Second word should be "here," not "her ( ... )
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I also think you overuse ellipsis. Too many of those trailing dots and you lose any impact. Also, it might just be that I have a personal vendetta against the word 'stated' but I really think you would be better off using 'said' in those instances. Stated to me suggests a flat, robotic tone and it really stands out as a word, whereas said blends into the background.
An AU where Zack is alive sounds really interesting and I wonder if you're going to continue this? I'm just slightly puzzled over how Aeris and Cloud know each other's names. It's not clear if they've been introduced or if Aeris has been looking after them for some time.
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