But never doubt I love for capturedhear_t {2/2}
Sehun doesn’t call Jongin all weekend. He doesn’t text him and he doesn’t come by Jongin’s house. On Monday at school, Sehun won’t look at Jongin. He won’t touch him like he did before and every aborted punch on the arm feels like a thousand knives in Jongin’s throat. Jongin doesn’t understand. Sehun had seemed just as desperate for nothing to change as Jongin, hadn’t he? They had pinkie promised.
Jongin feels like a child, naïvely believing that things could carry on as before, no consequences.
Of course things had to change. Jongin was no longer the ‘best friend’, the guy who’s always there, no ulterior motives or hidden conditions. Now he just seems like a creep who was waiting like a vulture to seize his chance. Jongin’s not like that. He’s never expected anything from Sehun and he never will but he knows what it looks like and it looks bad.
The worst thing of all is seeing Baekhyun’s guilt-ridden, pitying glances across the table at lunch because none of this is his fault. He doesn’t need Baekhyun’s pity either. This is exactly what he knew would happen were Jongin’s feelings ever made known to Sehun so there’s no need to pity him. He was prepared for this, mostly - his only mistake was daring to hope for anything different. Yes, he may have lost his best friend and he would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt like hell, but it’s no more than he expected.
It’s gotten so bad that even their friends have noticed something’s off - Kyungsoo even drew him aside after class to ask if they’d had a fight.
“No.” He had said. It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t the complete truth either, but Kyungsoo had seemed to get the hint that he didn’t want to talk about it and let him go with just a squeeze on his arm and a whispered ‘whenever you want to’. Jongin really likes that about Kyungsoo - he’ll always be there for you but he won’t baby you. He gets that Jongin needs his space and he trusts Jongin to tell him if he needs him.
Kyungsoo is a good friend. He thinks idly. He should really try to get Baekhyun to stop picking on him.
Jongin accepts Kyungsoo’s offer of hanging out at his place with the other guys though. Better than sitting at home moping. They don’t seem surprised to see him, and it makes him wonder whether Baekhyun has told anything or whether it’s just that obvious how things are wrong between him and Sehun.
It’s fun, even with Baekyhun in full ‘bitch-baek’ mode, and he’s glad he has friends like these. They keep his mind off Sehun for a couple of hours, but when night comes and he’s back home lying in his bed his thoughts can’t help but wander back to Sehun - what he’s doing, whether he’s still seeing that arsehole, whether he’s okay. Even without the whole ‘in love’ thing, Sehun is his best friend, and he misses him.
Xxx
It’s after a couple of weeks of avoidance that Jongin breaks and surprisingly it has nothing to do with Sehun. Well, almost nothing.
Back in January Sehun’d snuck him out to an audition for one of the major dance schools - without telling beforehand what they were doing because apparently Jongin would have chickened out if he’d known - and despite being really angry with Sehun for pulling a fast one on him, he’d auditioned. He’d come that far, he thought he might as well. He hadn’t really had any hopes of getting in.
Except now, five months later in the middle of June, there’s a large white envelope being waved in his face and his mother’s hysterical screeching in his ears and Jongin is starting to wish he’d never auditioned. It doesn’t matter how many times he tells his mum he didn’t think he’d get in, that it was just a joke, she won’t believe him. She keeps going on and on and on about how irresponsible he is, how bad a son he is and Jongin feels like he’s about to explode with anger and frustration because how is wanting to dedicate the rest of his life to doing something he loves being a bad son? How is wanting to dance such a bad thing?
“Why can’t you just let me be happy?” He hears himself scream at her. It’s stupid and clichéd but it’s how he feels. He just got into one of the best fucking schools in the country for dance. He wants to be happy. He wants to be bursting with excitement and joy because it’s a really big fucking deal but instead he feels like he’s three seconds away from a mental breakdown.
He doesn’t hear what she replies, blood boiling under the surface of his skin loud enough to drown her out. He doesn’t even stop to grab his coat, just turns right back out the door and starts running - stumbling, really, because rage has always made him clumsy - towards the only safe place he’s ever known.
It’s not late enough for it to be unacceptable to ring the doorbell when he arrives on Sehun’s lawn, but Jongin doesn’t. He doesn’t want to face Sehun’s parents calling Sehun down only for Jongin to be greeted by Sehun’s indifference and the awkwardness that would surely follow. Even though he needs Sehun more than ever, he wants to give Sehun the choice to see him or not, and besides, throwing stones at windows is kinda their thing, right?
He’s got one resting in his palm - it’s smooth and cool against his sweaty skin - and he flips it over and over as he tries to pluck up the courage to throw it. He prays to anyone who’ll listen that Sehun’s home.
He draws his arm back before he can double guess himself and lets the stone fly, watching with his heart in his mouth as it taps lightly against the glass and falls listlessly against the slightly browning grass of Sehun’s lawn.
There’s movement behind the curtains, but as quickly as Sehun’s face appears from behind the terrible paisley it disappears again and god, it hurts. It feels like his heart is splintering into a thousand pieces and driving into his ribs, attempting to escape his chest. He clenches his eyes shut because he doesn’t want to cry on his former best-friend’s dying lawn.
Suddenly there’s a warm pressure against his chest and a pair of bony arms wrapped around his waist and all the tears he’s been trying to keep in come spilling out onto Sehun’s shoulder despite his rule about not crying in public. He folds himself into Sehun’s embrace and lets himself cry like he hasn’t allowed himself to in what seems like forever.
“Tell me what’s wrong.” Sehun mumbles into his hair. “I want to fix it for you, tell me what’s wrong.”
Jongin cries harder. A million things. Jongin thinks. I’m in love with you and it’s ruined our friendship but I can’t stop. I’m in love with dancing but they’ll never let me be a dancer. I miss you.
He can’t say these things.
“I got in and my mum found the letter.” He chokes out instead.
Sehun pulls back and stares at Jongin. “You got in?”
“Yeah.” Jongin gives a watery smile.
“This is fantastic!” Sehun squeals. “Fuck your mum, you got in to the fucking best dance school in the country!”
It’s strange how easily Sehun can cheer him up. He should probably be telling him off for saying he should ‘fuck his mum’ but he’s kinda feeling the same way right now. In a non-incestuous way.
“One of the best.” He corrects.
Sehun rolls his eyes. “Oh, whatever. C’mon. Let’s get you cleaned up, you look like shit.”
“Thanks for making me feel better.”Jongin says drily as Sehun leads him into his house, up the creaking stairs and gently sits Jongin on his bed.
“I’ll be right back.” He says, ducking out his door. Jongin looks round. Sehun’s room looks the same and Jongin doesn’t know why he feels strange about that - it’s only been less than a month since he’s been here, but it feels like it should be different.
Sehun returns with a wet cloth and instead of offering it to Jongin he passes it gently over Jongin’s cheeks. His tongue pokes out in concentration and the care that he’s putting into cleaning the tear tracks from Jongin’s face makes Jongin fall in love with him all over again. In this moment he feels so loved, so cherished he’s sure his heart is about to sprout wings and fly out his chest.
Sehun throws the cloth somewhere behind him and manhandles Jongin to get him to lie down on the bed with Sehun spooning him from behind. Jongin is so drained and fuzzy that he lets him do it. Sehun flicks off the light and they both lie there, breathing in sync, Sehun’s hand rubbing gentle circles on Jongin’s tummy.
“I knew you’d get in.” Sehun whispers into the darkness. “You’re amazing, Jongin, and even if your parents aren’t proud of you, I am. I’m proud enough for both of them, okay? Your sisters too.”
Jongin kinds laughs and sobs at the same time at that, which is about as disgusting as it sounds.
“You’re gross.” Sehun complains.
“Thanks.” Jongin whispers. They both know what he’s saying thank you for.
“Go to sleep, Jongin.” Sehun all but orders him and as much as Jongin wants to resist, he soon falls asleep to the sound of Sehun’s breath in his ear and the feel of his hand on Jongin’s stomach.
Xxx
If he’d known that having a mental breakdown would be what it took to get Sehun to start treating him like a friend again and not like a pariah he half thinks he would’ve done it sooner. (Only half thinks though, because it really wasn’t much fun).
It’s not the same as before - Sehun won’t rest his head in Jongin’s lap anymore or drape himself over Jongin like a blanket - but they’re friendly again. After the incident, as Jongin has taken to calling it, they don’t see each other outside of school. Jongin doesn’t know whether it’s because Sehun’s still with happy-with-his-fists or he’s avoiding being alone with Jongin but he hopes, even though the idea smarts, that it’s the latter.
Better that than the alternative.
Xxx
They’re lounging on the rooftop as usual before class. It’s just him and Baekhyun, which is unusual. The door creaks open and Sehun steps through, eyes downcast and hair falling over his face and Jongin feels a gnawing in his gut. Something’s not right. It’s like déjà vu, Sehun trying to hide his face from Jongin, ashamed, except this time it’s not three in the morning or on Jongin’s porch.
Before he’s even registered what he’s doing Jongin is pushing himself off the ground and brushing Sehun’s fringe out of his face. Two anxious brown eyes stare back at him. One is painted black. Behind him Jongin can hear Baekhyun’s sharp intake of breath, and he feels his blood boil.
“Sehun, who did this to you?” He asks, voice tight and full of barely controlled anger.
“Doesn’t matter.” Sehun mumbles
.
“It was that guy again, wasn’t it. I’ll kill him.” Jongin seethes.
Sehun’s face closes down. “Fuck off, Jongin. You’re not my boyfriend.”
Jongin recoils as is he’s been slapped. “So I have to be fucking you to care now?”
“Jongin, I-”Sehun starts, guilt painted all over his face, but Jongin cuts him off. He’s had enough of Sehun pushing him away and ignoring what Jongin feels for him. He’s had enough of Sehun going out with scumbags and refusing to see he’s worth better. He’s had enough.
“Save it.” Jongin snaps. “I know you didn’t mean it, dickwad, just like I know it’s not me you’re angry at because funnily enough I’m your best friend.” He pauses. “Thing is, Sehunnie, I may not be your boyfriend but I’m not your punching bag either.”
Jongin brushes past Sehun and throws the door open. “Look after him, Baek.” He calls over his shoulder. He lets the door slam behind him as he leaves.
Xxx
Sehun has always been a stubborn ass so Jongin’s not really expecting an apology, as such; usually Sehun writes him an IOU for a ‘bazillion’ hugs and a promise to let Jongin choose the films at their next marathon and doesn’t actually admit that he may have been wrong. Jongin lets it slide because he’s not very good at saying sorry either (hello ‘free lunch for a week’ card) and because staying mad at someone (anyone, not just Sehun) is really kinda difficult for him.
So he’s slightly surprised when Baek leads him up to the rooftop and finds Sehun sitting on a picnic blanket with a plastic container in his lap and a hopeful smile on his face, because this seems awfully well-thought-out.
“I’ll leave you guys to it.” Baekhyun says with a wink, andcloses the door behind him.
“Hi.” Sehun says.
“Hi.” Jongin replies.
Sehun waves the container a bit. “I made you something.” At Jongin’s sceptical look he corrects himself, “I asked Kyungsoo to make you something.”
Jongin doesn’t move, half in shock that Sehun managed to get Kyungsoo to cook something for him and half because he really doesn’t want to forgive Sehun with just food and a picnic blanket. Not this time.
“Please sit down.” Sehun begs. “I’m trying to make it up to you, okay? Just eat your kimchi spaghetti and hear me out and then you can go. I promise.”
Jongin reluctantly sits down on the edge of the blanket and lets Sehun hand him the container and a fork, noting the way Sehun’s eyes light up when he mumbles a thanks in his direction.
“I’m sorry.” Sehun states, and Jongin nearly chokes on his spaghetti. Sehun frowns. “I’m know I’m pretty bad at saying it… Or well, not saying it, I guess… But I really mean it. It’s not what I said - or it is, but not just that -” Sehun breaks off from his rambling, cheeks colouring a soft pink in embarrassment. “I’m sorry for all of it.”
“For what?” Jongin asks stonily.
“For not thinking about your feelings. For avoiding you. For not listening to you about how much of a lowlife that guy was.” Sehun trails off. “I can keep going if you like.”
Jongin frowns down at his spaghetti. It’s a good start, but there’s still much that they really need to talk about - things that Sehun has been avoiding talking about for years.
“I didn’t want to fall in love with you, hunnie. It would have been so much easier if I hadn’t. And I was never planning on telling you, it just kinda slipped out.”
Sehun nods. “I know. Baek told me.”
“Traitor.” Jongin says without heat.
“I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. It wasn’t fair. I’m just not used to guys like you, I guess.”
“Decent guys.” Jongin pokes at his spaghetti with his fork.
“Yeah.” Sehun admits. He laughs shakily. “I was breaking up with him, you know. That’s why he hit me the second time. The last time.”
“God, what did you see in that guy?” Jongin asks, disgusted.
Sehun’s smile turns ugly. “I sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t I?”
Jongin says nothing, because he doesn’t know what to say to that. It’s hard when it’s kinda true. Sehun notices how awkward the atmosphere has gotten and coughs.
“Doesn’t matter now, I’m sworn off boys for a while anyway.” He says flippantly, sounding eerily like Baekhyun. “I’m not going to have time, not with all the stuff I’m going to have to do for Kyungsoo to pay for your spaghetti.”
It’s a pretty obvious attempt to change the subject, but Jongin rolls with it. There’s been enough soul-bearing for one day, he thinks. Maybe he’s letting Sehun off lightly, but Jongin’s feeling pretty drained himself, and Sehun has put a lot of effort into his apology. The kimchee spaghetti is delicious.
Xxx
After that their relationship shifts back more into what Jongin would classify as ‘best-friends’. There’s still something off, something not quite right, but Sehun appears to be comfortable with Jongin sneaking glances at him and running his fingers through Sehun’s hair so it can only be a step in the right direction, as far as Jongin is concerned. He doesn’t know what Baek told Sehun - Baekhyun’s being surprisingly quiet on the subject - but he doesn’t much feel like questioning it. Not when it almost feels like he has his best friend back.
It’s still not the same as before. He doesn’t want it to be. He invites Sehun to hang out at the guys’ places with him and to his surprise Sehun accepts. He looks a little uncomfortable the first time he shows up - staring down at his feet shyly - but true to form the others welcome him in with open arms and it’s soon forgotten. Soon Sehun’s already there when Jongin gets back from his ballet class (the one dance class he doesn’t have with Sehun) and he’s laughing and joking with the others and Jongin finds amazing.
Sehun is starting to let people in.
Jongin feels stupidly happy because this is all Sehun’s doing. There’s no shitty boyfriend, no disappearing act, just Sehun and their friends and Jongin and it’s Sehun that made it all happen. Jongin can’t help but think this is how it’s supposed to be. This is perfect.
Xxx
For once it’s just the two of them at Jongin’s house. Sometimes they do this now, have days off from guys and just play together, best friends only. It’s not all that often, actually, what with how Sehun’s taken to the guys and they’ve taken to him, but Jongin doesn’t mind at all.
They’re playing Mario kart and Sehun is actually winning for once because he’s actually concentrating on the race while Jongin is busy concentrating on how cute Sehun’s face looks when he’s concentrating because he’s allowed to do that now.
Suddenly the controller vibrates in his hands. Seems he’s been staring a bit too long because Peach has driven straight into a wall.
Sehun glares at him.
“Oops?” Jongin smiles sheepishly.
Sehun does his grumpy-put-out-pout face in response, which is one of Jongin’s favourite Sehun-faces. Then it shifts into Sehun’s mischievous face, which is not one of Jongin’s favourite Sehun-faces because it usually ends very badly for Jongin.
Without warning Sehun flings his controller to the ground and pounces on Jongin with a fierce war cry, mercilessly attacking his sides.
Jongin shrieks and fails wildly trying to escape. Sehun just cackles and goes in for the Kill.
“Not the belly button!” Jongin shrieks. “Not the button!”
Sehun ignores his pleas like the bastard he is and carries on, worming his finger around while Jongin gives up the last of his remaining dignity. (he hasn’t got much.)
Jongin’s stomach is cramping from laughing so hard and his eyes are full of tears and Sehun’s finger is still wedged in his damn belly button and it is generally the least romantic moment ever, but their gazes lock like in one of Baekhyun’s rom-coms and Jongin almost forgets to breathe.
The look on Sehun’s face soft and warm.
“Let me be your boyfriend.” Sehun blurts out.
Jongin squirms uncomfortably, because hadn’t they discussed this before? He opens his mouth to say as much, but Sehun cuts him off.
“I wasn’t finished, dickbag.”
Jongin snorts despite himself. “Romantic.”
“Dude, you know I’m no good with words.” Sehun whines. Jongin finds it oddly endearing and yeah, he’s so far gone.
“Or timing.” Jongin adds, but there’s no bite in it.
“I want that.”
“Timing?”
Sehun rolls his eyes. “No, asshat. Us mucking around and taking the piss and you acting like a little bitch. I want all of that, forever, okay?”
“Forever?” Jongin says, amused. He’s not really taking anything Sehun says seriously because this is Sehun and Sehun doesn’t want him like that.
Sehun shrugs. “I can’t live with you and sleep with you and have all-night xbox marathons with you if you’re married to someone else, can I?”
“Married?” Jongin’s not really planning on getting married.
Sehun looks offended. “You don’t wanna marry me? I thought you loved me, dude.”
Jongin bursts out laughing. “Fuck you, Sehun. You can never do anything by halves, can you?”
“That does include you.” Sehun says, wiggling his eyebrows in a way that Jongin is sure shouldn’t be sexy, but is anyway. “I’m not planning on getting married yet anyways. Don’t have the cash to pay for the dinosaur at the reception yet.”
“You remember that?” Jongin says incredulously.
They’d been seven and hiding under the table at some neighbour’s wedding. They’d found it incredibly boring and decided then and there that their (respective) wedding(s) would be more fun and there’d be no limits on the amount of cake they were allowed to eat.
“Yup. And the bubble machine. And the food fight.” Sehun grins. “I remember everything when it comes to you ‘cause you’re my favourite.”
Jongin gives a pointed look to where Sehun’s finger is tracing circles round his belly button. “If this is what being your favourite is I don’t think I want it anymore.”
“Wait, wait! I’m sorry. Let me try again, okay?” Sehun clears his throat. “Jongin, you’re my best friend. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that ‘cause we’re such awesome best friends that we never needed to say it, it was just true. And before I’d never thought about you that way-”
“I don’t think this is helping.” Jongin deadpans. Sehun gives his belly a particularly vicious pinch.
“Would you please just let me talk?” Sehun huffs and Jongin mimes zipping his lips up in response. Sehun’s face settles into what Jongin recognises as his serious expression and the atmosphere turns heavy. Something churns uncomfortably in his gut. Sehun starts to speak.
“I know you think I rush into things a lot of the time and yeah, maybe proposing before we’ve even starting going out is not really helping my case but I promise you I’m serious about this. I promise you I’ve been thinking about it, just like you asked me to, and this is what I want. Not because I don’t want to lose you and not because I want to try you out but because I realised something.”
Oh god. Jongin thinks. He’s actually serious about this. His mouth dries up. He’s never included this in any of his contingency plans.
“What?” He croaks, overwhelmed.
“You remember Joonmyeon’s leaving party when we were smashed and curled up on his trampoline and Baek-hyung was going on about his soul-mate theory? You asked me what I was thinking about and I said Chanyeollie-hyung.”
Jongin nods mutely. How could he forget the smile that’d been on Sehun’s face that night? So sweet, so open. It was a rare gift and Jongin had committed it to memory even though it had been for someone else.
“I lied.” Sehun says. “I was thinking about you.”
“Me?” Not Chanyeol. The smile had been for him, not Chanyeol. Oh. Oh.
Sehun grins sheepishly. “Yeah, you. I know you don’t believe in any of that soul-mate stuff so I didn’t want to tell you, but as Baekhyun was talking all I could think about was you. The other half of my soul. The one who balances me out. The one I want to spend the rest of my life beside. All of them are you.”
Jongin’s heart stutters in his chest. This is all of his most far-fetched dreams brought to life and the happiness that wells up inside him is suffocating. Words are beyond him at this point so he just stares and stares, almost in disbelief.
“Just took me much, much longer than it should’ve done to figure out I didn’t want to vomit at the thought of touching your dick.” Sehun jokes, awkward under Jongin’s scrutiny. His words are light but his expression is strained and it’s then Jongin realises how much it’s taken Sehun to say this, to put himself out there like this.
Sehun shifts nervously at Jongin’s lack of response. “Say something please.”
Silently, Jongin props himself up on one elbow and reaches up to cup Sehun’s jaw. Sehun’s hand is still splayed on his tummy dangerously near his belly button and the sound of Mario-kart music plays faintly in the background but Jongin couldn’t care less. It feels like he’s in a dream.
Slowly, inexorably, he presses his lips to Sehun’s. It’s soft and gentle and chaste and maybe there’s no fireworks or sparks, but it’s better than that - it’s a wave of warmth that fills him up, spilling out from his heart and the warmth of Sehun’s lips on his and rushing to every corner of his body: the cracks in between his toes, the crooks of his elbows, the tips of his ears. Every inch of him is saturated with love.
“I never actually said it, you know.” Sehun mumbles when Jongin finally pulls away.
“What, ‘I love you’? I know. I just figured that we’re such awesome boyfriends we didn’t need to say it.” Jongin teases.
He’s expecting to get hit for that remark but instead Sehun looks at him like he’s just won the lottery. “Yeah, awesome boyfriends.” He breathes. “I like that. I’d really like that.”
Jongin kisses him again, because he can. And again. And again. He can feel Sehun smiling against his lips and he rolls them over so that Sehun is lying on his back and he can rest comfortably in between his best friend’s legs, never one stopping from laying sweet kisses on his lips.
Sehun looks up at him from the greying carpet, hair fanned around his head like a halo, and smiles. It’s that smile, the sweet, open, loving one from the night of Joonmyeon’s party - the one Jongin now knows is his smile - and more than Sehun’s earlier speech about soulmates it says exactly the words Jongin thought he would never hear from Sehun.
I love you, Jongin.
“I love you too.” Jongin replies.
One | Two