I don't get it
all the color is gone and he has only been gone five days. It didn't start until Monday night, but I am officially in a funk mood. I am thinking the most awful thoughts of making a command decision about the relationship because he is still stuck in the maybe/I don't know. I don't want to let the relationship go, but I am beginning to think that perhaps it is the best thing to do. Maybe this time away from me will help bring things into better perspective for him, but I highly doubt it. To me, you either want something or you don't. Sometimes I get caught up in indecision and that is when I gather enough information on the subject to make one. I don't understand why he won't/can't communicate to me, let me help him help himself. I am lost right now, swimming in an emotional pool and I can't find air. This is not like me, to be so emotional, so angry or impatient nor intolerant of another. I have been angry since Friday, very uncharacteristicly angry and crabby, Monday it changed into something more manageable but it is still awful. Today the tears came, and as usual I broke down and my daughter wrapped her little arms around me and told me how much she loved me. She asked me why I was crying, and I told her I was sad. I didn't really know why. We started talking about my boyfriend, how she thinks he loves me(she said he told her he did) and how I think he doesn't. She asked me why and I told her that I don't think any man in this world could love me. AS I said it, I realized it was true. The reason why I don't believe I will have any traditional "happily ever after" is because I don't think anyone will fall in love with me. I usually fall fast, but stop short of full loving due to fear, in the end defeating my own purpose. This is something I need to move past. Perhaps I have answered my own dillema, perhaps we should work through this instead of let it go. I know in my heart of hearts that he is what I want.