When there is nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire
After Wes left to go do whatever it was he was gonna do, I curled up underneath the scratchy comforter. The glow of the television cast shadows around the room and I couldn't but feel a little comforted. Nothin' like a trashy dive of a motel room to make a girl feel right at home. I wasn't even sure what was on TV, some old Western. Man, why couldn't life be like old movies? The black hats were always wicked badass and the white hats were always really good. What about the grey hats? How come they never got their props? How come John Wayne never fucked up and accidently killed someone? Even if he did, I bet his white hat cowboy pals wouldn't all turn their backs on him. Not that I was bitter or anything.
Things were so easy in prison, ya know? You knew exactly who had your back (nobody) and you knew exactly who wanted to either kick or tap your ass (everbody). All black and white, clear lines. The guards? They were a little more on the grey side, but I tried not to think about them. Out here? Everything was grey and nothing made sense. B didn't get that, little Miss tightly wound needed to be in control of everything all the time. She didn't know what it was like to feel the rug pulled out from under your feet. Tryin' to get a handle on things and it all just slipped away.
Idly I reached up with a hand and gently rubbed the bruise still tender on my jaw. So yeah, my little run in with big sister slayer? Not exactly surprising. I kinda figured that B wouldn't be jumpin' for joy on account of my untimely release from the joint. I was ready for it, prepared to deal with it. But what I hadn't expected? To be the one that sees dead people. For real, crappy Bruce Willis movies aside? I was startin' to think I was crackin' up or something. Again. It felt different this time though. The last time I'd been so full of rage I couldn't contain it anymore. Like a walking time bomb ready to explode in any direction. Last time I'd been on the less sane side of things but I definitely hadn't talked to dead people. No, this was something new. Something different and it was scaring the shit out of me.
I wasn't the only one who was scared either. I'd seen that look flicker across Wesley's eyes. So familiar and it made me think of sharp, hot, blunt, cold and loud. Wondered if that was how he saw me, how he'd always see me. Wes was the most puzzling part of the entire thing. Why? Why had he bailed me out, helped me escape, patched me up good as new? Why? He was probably kickin' himself in the ass right about now for not leavin' me to die. I wasn't sure that I blamed him, I'd be kickin' myself too if I was him.
I felt so fucking stupid, hiding in a dark little motel room. Curled up under the covers, scared of ghosts and eyeless monsters. I was way too strong for that and I'd already spent too long hiding away from the world. Still would be hidin' if it hadn't been for those bringers. Actually, I'd be dead if it wasn't for Wesley. Funny how fate just reaches right out and bitchslaps ya sometimes.
"Faith, I'm just worried about you, is all. Don't be so angry. Can't I worry about you? I don't want to see you get hurt with him. Wesley's unstable. You can't trust him."
Angel's words still echoed in my head everytime I tried to close my eyes and shut him out. Couldn't trust Wes, well no shit. I'd learned a long time ago that you couldn't trust anything but yourself. All I could count on was me, and well Angel. Almost made me wanna call up Soul Boy for real, hear his voice. Make him tell me that everything was gonna be okay, that I was gonna be just fine. I didn't call though, I didn't do anything. Wasn't sure how to handle that situation yet, but I knew I'd have to eventually. Wouldn't be that long til he found out that I got sprung. Maybe I wanted to see if he'd come lookin' for me. Maybe he'd think I was betraying him by hangin' with Wesley. That thought hadn't really crossed my mind yet, but it wasn't like Angel was there when I was gettin' stabbed by Bringers. He didn't get to save me this time, and that was the kinda thing to give the big broody brat a complex. Didn't wanna deal with that just yet. Already had so much to figure out.
The sound of gunfire filled the room from the television and I immediately reached for the remote and clicked it off. A deafening silence erupted and it was almost worse then the movie I'd just had on. Needed to clear my head, needed to...something. Probably should go out and find something to beat down. Now I could, now I didn't have to contain it, myself, whatever. Self-control was the name of the game and I was gettin' pretty damn good at it. Couple years of practice and it never got any easier, just became a thing. My thing. Couldn't just go out there and pick a fight with the first vamp I found, even though it was wicked tempting. 'Sides, I didn't wanna risk runnin' into Angel or the Mayor again. Least my fucked up imaginary versions of them.
Getting up I walked into the bathroom and flipped on the light switch. Harsh fluroscent light flooded the room and I frowned at my reflection. Big purple bruise on my jaw. Thanks a lot B, I'll be sure to treasure this little parting gift. Bitch. Shaking my head, I turned away from the mirror and starting sifting through my duffel bag. Hidden away inside, I finally found the pack of Marlb's I'd been lookin' for. Taking one out of the pack I lit it up, and took a deep drag. Already feelin' better. Zipping my duffel back up I turned around to walk back out of the bathroom and stopped short when I saw Wesley in the doorway.
"Damn dude! You were a watcher! Didn't they teach you not to sneak up on slayers?"
Things were so easy in prison, ya know? You knew exactly who had your back (nobody) and you knew exactly who wanted to either kick or tap your ass (everbody). All black and white, clear lines. The guards? They were a little more on the grey side, but I tried not to think about them. Out here? Everything was grey and nothing made sense. B didn't get that, little Miss tightly wound needed to be in control of everything all the time. She didn't know what it was like to feel the rug pulled out from under your feet. Tryin' to get a handle on things and it all just slipped away.
Idly I reached up with a hand and gently rubbed the bruise still tender on my jaw. So yeah, my little run in with big sister slayer? Not exactly surprising. I kinda figured that B wouldn't be jumpin' for joy on account of my untimely release from the joint. I was ready for it, prepared to deal with it. But what I hadn't expected? To be the one that sees dead people. For real, crappy Bruce Willis movies aside? I was startin' to think I was crackin' up or something. Again. It felt different this time though. The last time I'd been so full of rage I couldn't contain it anymore. Like a walking time bomb ready to explode in any direction. Last time I'd been on the less sane side of things but I definitely hadn't talked to dead people. No, this was something new. Something different and it was scaring the shit out of me.
I wasn't the only one who was scared either. I'd seen that look flicker across Wesley's eyes. So familiar and it made me think of sharp, hot, blunt, cold and loud. Wondered if that was how he saw me, how he'd always see me. Wes was the most puzzling part of the entire thing. Why? Why had he bailed me out, helped me escape, patched me up good as new? Why? He was probably kickin' himself in the ass right about now for not leavin' me to die. I wasn't sure that I blamed him, I'd be kickin' myself too if I was him.
I felt so fucking stupid, hiding in a dark little motel room. Curled up under the covers, scared of ghosts and eyeless monsters. I was way too strong for that and I'd already spent too long hiding away from the world. Still would be hidin' if it hadn't been for those bringers. Actually, I'd be dead if it wasn't for Wesley. Funny how fate just reaches right out and bitchslaps ya sometimes.
"Faith, I'm just worried about you, is all. Don't be so angry. Can't I worry about you? I don't want to see you get hurt with him. Wesley's unstable. You can't trust him."
Angel's words still echoed in my head everytime I tried to close my eyes and shut him out. Couldn't trust Wes, well no shit. I'd learned a long time ago that you couldn't trust anything but yourself. All I could count on was me, and well Angel. Almost made me wanna call up Soul Boy for real, hear his voice. Make him tell me that everything was gonna be okay, that I was gonna be just fine. I didn't call though, I didn't do anything. Wasn't sure how to handle that situation yet, but I knew I'd have to eventually. Wouldn't be that long til he found out that I got sprung. Maybe I wanted to see if he'd come lookin' for me. Maybe he'd think I was betraying him by hangin' with Wesley. That thought hadn't really crossed my mind yet, but it wasn't like Angel was there when I was gettin' stabbed by Bringers. He didn't get to save me this time, and that was the kinda thing to give the big broody brat a complex. Didn't wanna deal with that just yet. Already had so much to figure out.
The sound of gunfire filled the room from the television and I immediately reached for the remote and clicked it off. A deafening silence erupted and it was almost worse then the movie I'd just had on. Needed to clear my head, needed to...something. Probably should go out and find something to beat down. Now I could, now I didn't have to contain it, myself, whatever. Self-control was the name of the game and I was gettin' pretty damn good at it. Couple years of practice and it never got any easier, just became a thing. My thing. Couldn't just go out there and pick a fight with the first vamp I found, even though it was wicked tempting. 'Sides, I didn't wanna risk runnin' into Angel or the Mayor again. Least my fucked up imaginary versions of them.
Getting up I walked into the bathroom and flipped on the light switch. Harsh fluroscent light flooded the room and I frowned at my reflection. Big purple bruise on my jaw. Thanks a lot B, I'll be sure to treasure this little parting gift. Bitch. Shaking my head, I turned away from the mirror and starting sifting through my duffel bag. Hidden away inside, I finally found the pack of Marlb's I'd been lookin' for. Taking one out of the pack I lit it up, and took a deep drag. Already feelin' better. Zipping my duffel back up I turned around to walk back out of the bathroom and stopped short when I saw Wesley in the doorway.
"Damn dude! You were a watcher! Didn't they teach you not to sneak up on slayers?"