Dreams do come true in New Orleans
Hey y'all.
So when I got home for spring break on Friday, I starting writing this really really long post that I never actually finished. I've decided to post what I have now (it is legit longer than nearly every paper I have written for school), and write/post the rest of what I had to talk about later, along with an update about spring break.
I'll section it off via cut for you.
Spring Break is here and I'm home. I can honestly say that while I still miss home, I can make the switch easier. I feel just as happy coming into Tallahassee as I do coming into Coral Springs, and I think that says a lot.
I have a lot to talk about, and not all of it is bad, so if you avoid my emo posts you don't have to avoid this one :).
Let's start with how I'm doing in school.
I took my Archaeology midterm (or really, Test 2) on Thursday, and the whole thing was surrounded by one unlucky inconvenience after another. Being the lazy bum that I am, I skipped a lot of the classes this time around (bad idea, as some of the test questions are anecdotal or about his opinion) and barely glanced at the textbook. A study session the night before fell through, and I was unable to buy the notes from Bill's, as it had closed earlier than I expected. I decided to look over what little notes I had and the truncated online Powerpoints instead, wake up the next morning and buy the notes to read for the two hours before the test. So much for that. I woke up at 10:30 and barely made it to the exam on time. I got a 76%. I have four tests, three of which are 20% of my grade, and one of which is 30% (the other 10, for those keeping track, is in-class assignments and homework/quizzes). On the first test I got an 83%. I know this doesn't bode well, but I've accepted the fact that I will not get an A in this class. I've already made up my mind to make up for lost time and do some actual studying after/during spring break, so at least I'll get something along the lines of a B. I will say this, though. The man has no idea how to formulate test questions.
My German midterm was also Thursday, and I think I did much better than last time. Hopefully, seeing as I got an 89% last time. I do know one thing though, and that's I'm forgetting a lot of what I should already know. My vocab is down the tubes and I'm forgetting case-specific pronouns and articles right and left. I'm seriously considering getting a Beginning German textbook and just starting over for my own benefit, because I really do like this language. I've also considered, for my own amusement, finding a book I've already read, translated into German (The Bronze Horseman/Die Liebenden von Leningrad comes to mind), and just going through slowly with an online dictionary at ready. I don't mind the actual going to class anymore. I psych myself out, saying it's only 50 minutes, you don't need to think, just be there and get the attendance points. Seeing as how this thing is a four minute walk from my room, it works.
Language and Culture scared the fuck out of me, let me tell you. That midterm was Tuesday, and I think I did alright, but my essay could've done with some work. The argument was all over the place, but the facts were there. I studied with a twenty-six year old Anthropology student getting her Bachelor's with a husband and a year-and-a-half-old daughter. And she made Dean's List, which is more than I can say for myself. Also, her name is Melissa :). Another reason I should really get my ass in gear. I got extra credit for going to class Thursday, so that's good. Almost didn't go for want of studying for German, but I got the notes and I'm glad I went. I got my paper back Thursday, too, and I got a B+. I was disappointed, but it makes sense. I was kind of proud of the essay, but I could have put more time into it. I guess it's also karma for fake-citing a book when the facts were from Wikipedia. Oh well.
Archaeology lab is, as my friend Anna puts it, gay-and-a-half, and mostly a waste of time. We learned about determining and reconstructing sustainance patterns in ancient peoples based on macrobotanical remains, mainly charred seeds. I'm talking about a DRY. ASS. SUBJECT here. I did have a moment of SQUEE though, because there were bones in the last lab (REAL ones!), including an entire FUCKING HUGE pig skull. I mean, it was to determine where people hunted/got meat when, but STILL. BONES. There's also another thing concerning this class that I'll go into later.
Band is...band. I hate that it's so late at night after a long fucking day, and I hate carrying Horace Hrnk Bassoon all the way to the band building, but it's really not that bad once I sit down. I mean, we're absolutely out of tune and horrible, and I want to kill the mental patient who arranged this West Side Story medley and thought it might be a good idea to put, in the 2nd bassoon part, a high A flat after a G. In fast fucking triplets. Just...what. I am also absolute crap at playing this instrument in general, and I'm so glad I'm home so I can play Nora and remind myself that I am, actually, a decent musician.
I guess I'd be flipping out a lot more about my GPA if it weren't for the fact that I've given up graduating with the honors medallion. I need fifteen more honors credits that I'd need to get done with in two semesters and a summer session, and I really just don't have that sort of drive. All the honors classes are gen-ed anyway, and if I'm going to take non-major classes, I'm going to take something I'm interested in. Still, I need to keep it up enough to keep my scholarships, as well as for my own personal pride. Or something.
Two weekends ago I took the Greyhound to visit my bffl Sara in Gainesville. The level of school spirit there is tangible. The first night was spent first at an awesome sushi bar, then at the student union for an improv show by the school troupe she's part of. Attended the afterparty, which involved cans of Bud Light (ick), a certain green illegal substance I believe I got a contact high from (shit smells AWFUL, jesus), and an informative lesson about how quickly my metabolism works through the previously mentioned (it is honestly scary/frustrating how instantaneously I sober up. Just, BOOM). Spent the night on her friend's floor, which was hard and a stray computer cord bruised my hip where I was laying on it. Second day was lazing about and half-sleeping most of the day. In the evening we went to another show at the Hillel (holy crap, that thing is HUGE, compared to FSU's quaint little house), that Sara was actually in and hilarious at. Afterward we went traipsing across town in search of an Irish bar that was to be host to ANOTHER improv show and karaoke. Was treated to better alcohol by Sara's kind, over-21 friend with a bar tab, and learned the joys of Blue Moon beer, and how to acquire a taste for stouts. Proceeded to crash on his rather comfortable couch, and woke up with my first, very very mild, hangover--that I didn't even notice until I was in the car on the way back to her place. That day, I was given a walking tour of UF, which is nice in its own way--very spread out with lovely, random ponds and a giant fucking lake in the middle. Also ate at the most heavenly burger joint ever: Relish. Watched Groundhog Day, and then went to the fourth and final improv show, which was unique and, of course, a riot. Crashed on the first friends floor again, and was read a bedtime story! (Oh the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss). Got home Monday with time to spare before German. Good fucking weekend.
Weekend after that I saw my school's production of Rent and Hamlet (not at the same time >_>). Rent was amazing. Mark was very Jewish and cute, and Roger wore a pink shirt and sounded very much like Adam Pascal. They did nothing for the slash fan in my head and were very much Best Friends Who Are Very Straight. Mimi was white, tiny, and talented as FUCK. She blew me away singing and acting, but she was very much a harsher Mimi than I was used to. It was almost asynchronous to her "no day but today" optimism, but it worked, and her chemistry with Roger was really great. Joanne was talented but didn't leave much of an impression. Which is normally what every Collins ever does, but this man. Ohhh my God. Collins thoroughly and utterly charmed me the minute he got on stage. His voice was deep and gorgeous, he had a wonderful smile, and I just wanted to be friends with him instantly. Also he was a white boy with a very furry face :). His sadness at Angel's death was palpable...how he just stood there, fucking carrying this skinny boy in a sheet, just standing there, letting the atmosphere fill up before he said "It's over." I'll Cover You Reprise had the entire house bawling, and the entire cast too (Goodbye Love was therefore vocally wanting, but it's understandable). Anyway. Benny was surprisingly relateable and very good. Angel was cute, but could've been a better singer. Maureen blew my mind, simple as that. Four foot nine fucking powerhouse with amazing comedic timing. I...think that covers everyone. The extras were, of course, great and everyone just understood the show so well. I really missed Rent and all that it meant to me in high school, and I was glad to come back to it. Experiencing it after a long time without listening or seeing anything made the experience really special and carried a whole new meaning. Also, oddly, I felt like I could actually relate more than normal, being apart of a group of friends that loves each other but can't fucking be civil for five minutes, haha.
Hamlet was orgasmic, but I don't want to waste your time too much with it. Basically it was Steampunk!Hamlet with flashlights, coattails, metallic setpieces, eyeliner, a female Guildenstern and a stage in the middle of the audience. The talent in this fucking school, Jesus. Polonius was hilarious, Gertrude was wonderful, I wanted to bang Claudius (which is odd, let me tell you), R&G were charming, Hamlet was obviously godly. And I wanted him to make out with Horatio. The entire performance was so nuanced, filled with these little choices and silent moments and implied meanings and it was just eye opening. It was a damn shame that Ophelia was flat flat flat flat flat. She knew how to say the lines, and said them well, but...that's it. She performed the lines. It was very obviously a performance in which she let the director tell her everything and she spoke the emotions she was supposed to feel. But I didn't feel it. It was really, really disappointing.
Also, I received the exciting news that our school will be doing Spelling Bee next year. FUCK YES.
Wednesday I saw Up in the Air with George Clooney, which was...a good movie, don't get me wrong, but I don't think it was the Best Picture Nom type. George Clooney was dashing, obviously, Anna Kendrick was funny and awkward, Vera Farmiga was GORGEOUS, and I loved the celebrity cameos. The decidedly un-Hollywood ending intrigued me, and I believe it was a great choice artistically, but as a viewer I'm not sure I liked it. It was definitely one of those It Got Me Thinking movies. Still. I didn't walk away thinking "Oscar Nom" with this one. It felt much more like an indie film.
Speaking of indie films, I've been on a huge kick for finding gay-themed cinema. I have downloaded:
-Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss: Starring Sean Hayes of Will&Grace fame. A charming watch, with an ending that is...much like Up in the Air, but with a decided note of optimism. Really witty script, obscure-but-familiar actors. Worth a watch.
Trick: I adore this movie. It's low-key, simple, funny, and sweet. Also, the boys are gorgeous. I recommend it to anyone. My only real issues were: there's a bit of hammy acting from the supporting character side (I'm looking at YOU, baby Tori Spelling), and I feel like the character of Mark could've been more...thought out? Given a better chance to show himself? Just more. Despite the fact that many things that keep the plot going very much date the movie, like the lack of cell phones or the very-much-reduced presence of the computer (also, this was before musical theatre's comeback in popularity, thus there were a lot of jokes about it being a dying art), it's still a really nice story and a fun watch. Also, Miss Coco Peru, aka The Drag Queen in the Bathroom, has the best monologue ever.
-Affinity: A cool looking supernatural-undertoned lesbian movie I haven't seen yet.
-Beautiful Thing: I have, of course, seen this zillions of times but now I have my own permanent copy, and can even understand a bit more of the unintelligible London accents.
-Bent: Jesus fucking Christ this fucking fucking movie. FUCK. Gauge my heart out with a spoon. Watch it, that's all I'm saying. And God, the money I would've paid to see Sir Ian McKellan as the main character on Broadway forty years ago. Jesus.
-Between Love and Goodbye: I wanted to like this movie, but I didn't even finish it. It doesn't help that the entire thing is about a couple falling out of love, and I think it's the plot more than anything that drove me off. The actors are good and GOD are they beautiful, all of them, and they do their best with some of the cheesiest dialogue ever. The music the band plays is...good, I guess? Mediocre with bad lyrics, idk. Kyle's handsome and charming and all-over convincing as a human being. I want Marcel in my pants speaking French NOW. April/Cole is gorgeous and bitchy and catty and wonderful, and so convincing an MTF that it actually took me a minute to recognize. If the movie weren't so damned pessimistic I would probably love it. Did I mention Marcel? He's naked half the time. And beautiful. And French. And I WANT. HIM.
-Brokeback Mountain: Finally have my own copy. Not even gonna bother talking about how much I love everything about this movie.
-But I'm a Cheerleader: I saw this in my Blockbuster video from the time I was six and had no clue what it was about. It was cute. The charicatured style took a bit to get used to, but over all it was a charming movie, that I got a few giggles at (especially considering how many actors I know were in this movie before they were discovered. Hello Michelle Williams and Zuko. Hi.) One thing that bugged me was GRAHAM'S. HAIR. I GET that she was supposed to be boyish and less concerned about her appearance, but didn't the girl SHOWER? I mean really. Ick.
-Imagine Me and You: Another lesbian movie, haven't seen, but it looked cute.
-Make the Yuletide Gay: I know this one's going to be cheesy and kinda bad in a Not Another Gay Movie sort of way, but I figure, if I ever need something light and mindless to watch, I've got this queued up.
-Soldier's Girl: I'm dreading watching this, because I know how heartbreaking it is, but I know I need to :).
-Swoon: Leopold and Loeb. Also haven't seen it yet, can't wait to.
-The Birdcage: Saw this a long time ago, love Nathan Lane and Robin Williams, can't wait to see again.
-The Living End: Ohhh boy. Okay. So. This movie is about two boys from two completely different walks of life, two opposite personalities, who both find out they have HIV. It could be a good movie. But. It's. NOT. It's weird and the lines are choppy and odd and the side characters scare me and the bad boy's actor, while gorgeous, is just AWEFUL. Like, I-was-an-extra-in-my-high-school-play aweful. I do want to finish it, just for the story, but AUGH.
-Velvet Goldmine: WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN THIS YET.
-Wilde: It's Stephen Fry and Jude Law in a movie about Oscar Wilde. Enough said. Still haven't seen it though.
-XXY: Haven't seen it. Looks interesting and focuses on being genderqueer as opposed to just gay.
-Yossi & Jagger: Israeli film in Hebrew about two soldiers who get it on. I've seen a couple minutes in and it's okay--the subtitles are kind of badly translated, and Yossi's face really throws me off. But I hear all over the place that this is an amazing, life-changing movie, so I'm obviously going to give it a chance when I'm once again in the mood for heavy stuff.
-In my download queue, I have: Can't Think Straight (lesbian film that was shown at the LGBTQ film festival at FSU that I missed), Available Men (buncha short films), Love! Valour! Compassion! (looks amazing and hilarious and I can't wait), and Twist (modern gay "twist" on the Oliver Twist story).
Any suggestions and download links are welcome and encouraged. As a note, I already have and have seen Latter Days, and I intend on downloading Dream Boys when I can find the link again.
Time to put my srs pants on, though. I do have a couple things I want to get off my chest.
Blah blah, my friends do nothing but bitch about/at each other blah blah it's pissing me off blah moving on.
I had a run-in with Real Feelings recently. I don't quite know what else to call them. Legit Feelings For Someone? I've felt for people before, I've liked people, and pretty strongly in one or two cases, but this is...different? Different for me, anyway. Cliche for everyone else on the planet and in every teen novel. Some of you know the story, but I only explained about half of it in detail, and not colored with the right tone, considering my current circumstances.
There's a guy who drives me to lab every Wednesday. I did not meet him until I got in the car with him a few weeks ago, having sent out a mass e-mail to my class asking for a ride. His name is Jon. The first ride in his car indicated a few things to me. He has unbelievably good taste in music. He is Very Good-Looking. He's a gentleman. He's 23. He's a Geography major. He's in the Marines (I call him Marine Man in my head and to the friends I told him about, because no one readily remembers names like Jon). I began dressing nicer and putting on makeup on Wednesdays, knowing I'd be in his car. At that point, though, it was really just me trying to impress a cute boy. Once, he found a song for me that I had been talking about the previous week. Surely not everyone thinks about the song that the girl you drive to lab likes, enough to put it on your iPod and play it for her the next week. Surely. His thoughtfulness got me excited, and Thinking. I figure, okay, that's a fair signal. I can maybe actually for the first time in ever pursue someone without the Fraidycat Factor (long story) ruining things for me. There could be legit mutual feelings going on here. I really started to like him. Look forward to going to lecture, lab. I sat next to him last Tuesday, he smiled, complimented my hat, and we talked occasionally through lecture. Occasionally he'd take his glasses off to rub his eyes and I'd die a little. He nodded off at one point and I died a lot. My sneaker touched his boot like I was in fourth grade, though I'm not positive he felt it, boots being pretty thick and all. No idea what the lecture was about. I left class and went home fucking skipping. We had a "study date" Wednesday evening I could look forward to if only the stress of midterms hadn't left me a cold sore on my lip (it looks more like a cut, really, so it's not too bad). Whatever metaphorical manhood I possessed went out the fucking window, and I was this estrogen-fueled ball of ovarian squee for an entire day. Let me stress again that I don't get like this. Ever. Not for people, anyway. Books, fandoms, characters, maybe, but never people. I tell myself to watch it, don't get my hopes up, I could be misinterpreting signals or the Fraidy Cat could rear its ugly head at an inopportune moment and I'll be left with nothing but anger at myself. It was good advice, but I think my subconscious ignored it.
Last Wednesday I get pretty for when he picks me up, except I woke up late, so I was a bit more frazzled than I would have liked. On the way back from lab, he tells me that his Astronomy class is kicking him in the ass (I believe him; Astronomy is ridiculous), and that he'd have to cancel our study date so he could focus on that class. I'm disappointed, but not too much, because really, it's fair. There's a minute or two of music-listening silence, when I ask him when he's leaving for spring break. It turns out, his fiancee is coming to Tallahassee and they're leaving to go home to Cape Canaveral on Saturday. His fiancee. Whom he is marrying in June on the beach next to an air force base. His fiancee, who is the daughter of one of his superior officers, who works on a submarine. She graduated last year, so he doesn't see her as much as he likes to.
Of. Fucking. Course. Why would it be any different? Why could I honestly believe that--after screwing myself over so many times by letting the Fraidy Cat win; being picky as fuck considering my, at the very best, better-than-average looks; being a little shut-in life-newbie at nineteen; being more emotionally butch than most of the males I know--that I could possibly meet this wonderful person and not only have him be single, but have him feel for me. I have wanted this so. so. bad. for a long time and because of this I was obviously projecting so hard my eyes were showing powerpoints on the walls.
What really twists the goddamn switchblade is that, whatever signals I got from him--the door holding, finding the song for me, driving to east campus for me, whatever...it's not becase he liked me, it's just because he's that fucking nice.
Whoever that June bride is, she's a lucky one. And she better love him. That's all I'm saying.
It's not a huge deal, but I'm gaining weight. More than I have since probably middle school. I don't know how much I weigh, I don't want to, but it's enough that my jeans are noticeably tighter and I don't look nearly as good in form-fitting shirts. Whatever I may think about my actual looks, I've always had a pretty damn good body image, even when I was a teenager. And I know for a fact it's not because I'm getting older and my metabolism has slowed. It's because of what I eat, how much I'm eating, and my marked lack of exercise (save walking across campus and climbing stairs). I have always loved food, picky phase or not. I enjoy it. I love fast food, cheeseburgers, pizza with everything on it, I love it all. In high school, however, especially over the summer, I ate very little overall. Not an unhealthy amount of little--I would never do that to myself. I just got full very very easily. When I got to college, it was the classic story of there being too much cheap and unhealthy food at my disposal, without my mother's cooking to balance it out. There's dining hall food, which makes an honest attempt at healthy, but because I love variety and would much rather eat a little of everything than a lot of one thing, I would get multiple plates. And to my astonishment I began to be able to finish it all. I'd cut down but now I have an internal meal clock that goes off predictably every six hours and DEMANDS food, or so help my blood sugar. I've decided that if eating less isn't gonna work as well, I'll try and eat healthier and work my way back down to that. Maybe now that I'm home it'll be easier to do that. One big problem is I mostly loathe vegetables and refuse to believe salad is considered a meal (I don't care what you put on it. Salad is an appetizer or a side dish and it always will be). Speaking of which I am REALLY hungry right now. Salivating. But I'm going to wait it out till morning when I can make myself a nice breakfast.
I've always been relatively skinny (except when I was fourteen but I don't think anyone fits into their skin at that age), and it is not that I've gotten chubby, even. Far from it. But I know that if I don't stop what I'm doing now it'll only get worse. I really liked the way I looked when I entered college. And even though it's not a huge difference (it is visible though--my mother noticed today), it's still where I'd like to be. I've always loathed the idea of a diet and having to watch what I eat because I love food the way I do, but I'm willing to be a little disciplined here if it means I can actively like my body and maybe climb a set of stairs without dying.
Yeah, I said it was long. But I hope you found it amusing if you chose to read. I'm not even going to bother with a TLDR summary.
More to come later.
So when I got home for spring break on Friday, I starting writing this really really long post that I never actually finished. I've decided to post what I have now (it is legit longer than nearly every paper I have written for school), and write/post the rest of what I had to talk about later, along with an update about spring break.
I'll section it off via cut for you.
Spring Break is here and I'm home. I can honestly say that while I still miss home, I can make the switch easier. I feel just as happy coming into Tallahassee as I do coming into Coral Springs, and I think that says a lot.
I have a lot to talk about, and not all of it is bad, so if you avoid my emo posts you don't have to avoid this one :).
Let's start with how I'm doing in school.
I took my Archaeology midterm (or really, Test 2) on Thursday, and the whole thing was surrounded by one unlucky inconvenience after another. Being the lazy bum that I am, I skipped a lot of the classes this time around (bad idea, as some of the test questions are anecdotal or about his opinion) and barely glanced at the textbook. A study session the night before fell through, and I was unable to buy the notes from Bill's, as it had closed earlier than I expected. I decided to look over what little notes I had and the truncated online Powerpoints instead, wake up the next morning and buy the notes to read for the two hours before the test. So much for that. I woke up at 10:30 and barely made it to the exam on time. I got a 76%. I have four tests, three of which are 20% of my grade, and one of which is 30% (the other 10, for those keeping track, is in-class assignments and homework/quizzes). On the first test I got an 83%. I know this doesn't bode well, but I've accepted the fact that I will not get an A in this class. I've already made up my mind to make up for lost time and do some actual studying after/during spring break, so at least I'll get something along the lines of a B. I will say this, though. The man has no idea how to formulate test questions.
My German midterm was also Thursday, and I think I did much better than last time. Hopefully, seeing as I got an 89% last time. I do know one thing though, and that's I'm forgetting a lot of what I should already know. My vocab is down the tubes and I'm forgetting case-specific pronouns and articles right and left. I'm seriously considering getting a Beginning German textbook and just starting over for my own benefit, because I really do like this language. I've also considered, for my own amusement, finding a book I've already read, translated into German (The Bronze Horseman/Die Liebenden von Leningrad comes to mind), and just going through slowly with an online dictionary at ready. I don't mind the actual going to class anymore. I psych myself out, saying it's only 50 minutes, you don't need to think, just be there and get the attendance points. Seeing as how this thing is a four minute walk from my room, it works.
Language and Culture scared the fuck out of me, let me tell you. That midterm was Tuesday, and I think I did alright, but my essay could've done with some work. The argument was all over the place, but the facts were there. I studied with a twenty-six year old Anthropology student getting her Bachelor's with a husband and a year-and-a-half-old daughter. And she made Dean's List, which is more than I can say for myself. Also, her name is Melissa :). Another reason I should really get my ass in gear. I got extra credit for going to class Thursday, so that's good. Almost didn't go for want of studying for German, but I got the notes and I'm glad I went. I got my paper back Thursday, too, and I got a B+. I was disappointed, but it makes sense. I was kind of proud of the essay, but I could have put more time into it. I guess it's also karma for fake-citing a book when the facts were from Wikipedia. Oh well.
Archaeology lab is, as my friend Anna puts it, gay-and-a-half, and mostly a waste of time. We learned about determining and reconstructing sustainance patterns in ancient peoples based on macrobotanical remains, mainly charred seeds. I'm talking about a DRY. ASS. SUBJECT here. I did have a moment of SQUEE though, because there were bones in the last lab (REAL ones!), including an entire FUCKING HUGE pig skull. I mean, it was to determine where people hunted/got meat when, but STILL. BONES. There's also another thing concerning this class that I'll go into later.
Band is...band. I hate that it's so late at night after a long fucking day, and I hate carrying Horace Hrnk Bassoon all the way to the band building, but it's really not that bad once I sit down. I mean, we're absolutely out of tune and horrible, and I want to kill the mental patient who arranged this West Side Story medley and thought it might be a good idea to put, in the 2nd bassoon part, a high A flat after a G. In fast fucking triplets. Just...what. I am also absolute crap at playing this instrument in general, and I'm so glad I'm home so I can play Nora and remind myself that I am, actually, a decent musician.
I guess I'd be flipping out a lot more about my GPA if it weren't for the fact that I've given up graduating with the honors medallion. I need fifteen more honors credits that I'd need to get done with in two semesters and a summer session, and I really just don't have that sort of drive. All the honors classes are gen-ed anyway, and if I'm going to take non-major classes, I'm going to take something I'm interested in. Still, I need to keep it up enough to keep my scholarships, as well as for my own personal pride. Or something.
Two weekends ago I took the Greyhound to visit my bffl Sara in Gainesville. The level of school spirit there is tangible. The first night was spent first at an awesome sushi bar, then at the student union for an improv show by the school troupe she's part of. Attended the afterparty, which involved cans of Bud Light (ick), a certain green illegal substance I believe I got a contact high from (shit smells AWFUL, jesus), and an informative lesson about how quickly my metabolism works through the previously mentioned (it is honestly scary/frustrating how instantaneously I sober up. Just, BOOM). Spent the night on her friend's floor, which was hard and a stray computer cord bruised my hip where I was laying on it. Second day was lazing about and half-sleeping most of the day. In the evening we went to another show at the Hillel (holy crap, that thing is HUGE, compared to FSU's quaint little house), that Sara was actually in and hilarious at. Afterward we went traipsing across town in search of an Irish bar that was to be host to ANOTHER improv show and karaoke. Was treated to better alcohol by Sara's kind, over-21 friend with a bar tab, and learned the joys of Blue Moon beer, and how to acquire a taste for stouts. Proceeded to crash on his rather comfortable couch, and woke up with my first, very very mild, hangover--that I didn't even notice until I was in the car on the way back to her place. That day, I was given a walking tour of UF, which is nice in its own way--very spread out with lovely, random ponds and a giant fucking lake in the middle. Also ate at the most heavenly burger joint ever: Relish. Watched Groundhog Day, and then went to the fourth and final improv show, which was unique and, of course, a riot. Crashed on the first friends floor again, and was read a bedtime story! (Oh the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss). Got home Monday with time to spare before German. Good fucking weekend.
Weekend after that I saw my school's production of Rent and Hamlet (not at the same time >_>). Rent was amazing. Mark was very Jewish and cute, and Roger wore a pink shirt and sounded very much like Adam Pascal. They did nothing for the slash fan in my head and were very much Best Friends Who Are Very Straight. Mimi was white, tiny, and talented as FUCK. She blew me away singing and acting, but she was very much a harsher Mimi than I was used to. It was almost asynchronous to her "no day but today" optimism, but it worked, and her chemistry with Roger was really great. Joanne was talented but didn't leave much of an impression. Which is normally what every Collins ever does, but this man. Ohhh my God. Collins thoroughly and utterly charmed me the minute he got on stage. His voice was deep and gorgeous, he had a wonderful smile, and I just wanted to be friends with him instantly. Also he was a white boy with a very furry face :). His sadness at Angel's death was palpable...how he just stood there, fucking carrying this skinny boy in a sheet, just standing there, letting the atmosphere fill up before he said "It's over." I'll Cover You Reprise had the entire house bawling, and the entire cast too (Goodbye Love was therefore vocally wanting, but it's understandable). Anyway. Benny was surprisingly relateable and very good. Angel was cute, but could've been a better singer. Maureen blew my mind, simple as that. Four foot nine fucking powerhouse with amazing comedic timing. I...think that covers everyone. The extras were, of course, great and everyone just understood the show so well. I really missed Rent and all that it meant to me in high school, and I was glad to come back to it. Experiencing it after a long time without listening or seeing anything made the experience really special and carried a whole new meaning. Also, oddly, I felt like I could actually relate more than normal, being apart of a group of friends that loves each other but can't fucking be civil for five minutes, haha.
Hamlet was orgasmic, but I don't want to waste your time too much with it. Basically it was Steampunk!Hamlet with flashlights, coattails, metallic setpieces, eyeliner, a female Guildenstern and a stage in the middle of the audience. The talent in this fucking school, Jesus. Polonius was hilarious, Gertrude was wonderful, I wanted to bang Claudius (which is odd, let me tell you), R&G were charming, Hamlet was obviously godly. And I wanted him to make out with Horatio. The entire performance was so nuanced, filled with these little choices and silent moments and implied meanings and it was just eye opening. It was a damn shame that Ophelia was flat flat flat flat flat. She knew how to say the lines, and said them well, but...that's it. She performed the lines. It was very obviously a performance in which she let the director tell her everything and she spoke the emotions she was supposed to feel. But I didn't feel it. It was really, really disappointing.
Also, I received the exciting news that our school will be doing Spelling Bee next year. FUCK YES.
Wednesday I saw Up in the Air with George Clooney, which was...a good movie, don't get me wrong, but I don't think it was the Best Picture Nom type. George Clooney was dashing, obviously, Anna Kendrick was funny and awkward, Vera Farmiga was GORGEOUS, and I loved the celebrity cameos. The decidedly un-Hollywood ending intrigued me, and I believe it was a great choice artistically, but as a viewer I'm not sure I liked it. It was definitely one of those It Got Me Thinking movies. Still. I didn't walk away thinking "Oscar Nom" with this one. It felt much more like an indie film.
Speaking of indie films, I've been on a huge kick for finding gay-themed cinema. I have downloaded:
-Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss: Starring Sean Hayes of Will&Grace fame. A charming watch, with an ending that is...much like Up in the Air, but with a decided note of optimism. Really witty script, obscure-but-familiar actors. Worth a watch.
Trick: I adore this movie. It's low-key, simple, funny, and sweet. Also, the boys are gorgeous. I recommend it to anyone. My only real issues were: there's a bit of hammy acting from the supporting character side (I'm looking at YOU, baby Tori Spelling), and I feel like the character of Mark could've been more...thought out? Given a better chance to show himself? Just more. Despite the fact that many things that keep the plot going very much date the movie, like the lack of cell phones or the very-much-reduced presence of the computer (also, this was before musical theatre's comeback in popularity, thus there were a lot of jokes about it being a dying art), it's still a really nice story and a fun watch. Also, Miss Coco Peru, aka The Drag Queen in the Bathroom, has the best monologue ever.
-Affinity: A cool looking supernatural-undertoned lesbian movie I haven't seen yet.
-Beautiful Thing: I have, of course, seen this zillions of times but now I have my own permanent copy, and can even understand a bit more of the unintelligible London accents.
-Bent: Jesus fucking Christ this fucking fucking movie. FUCK. Gauge my heart out with a spoon. Watch it, that's all I'm saying. And God, the money I would've paid to see Sir Ian McKellan as the main character on Broadway forty years ago. Jesus.
-Between Love and Goodbye: I wanted to like this movie, but I didn't even finish it. It doesn't help that the entire thing is about a couple falling out of love, and I think it's the plot more than anything that drove me off. The actors are good and GOD are they beautiful, all of them, and they do their best with some of the cheesiest dialogue ever. The music the band plays is...good, I guess? Mediocre with bad lyrics, idk. Kyle's handsome and charming and all-over convincing as a human being. I want Marcel in my pants speaking French NOW. April/Cole is gorgeous and bitchy and catty and wonderful, and so convincing an MTF that it actually took me a minute to recognize. If the movie weren't so damned pessimistic I would probably love it. Did I mention Marcel? He's naked half the time. And beautiful. And French. And I WANT. HIM.
-Brokeback Mountain: Finally have my own copy. Not even gonna bother talking about how much I love everything about this movie.
-But I'm a Cheerleader: I saw this in my Blockbuster video from the time I was six and had no clue what it was about. It was cute. The charicatured style took a bit to get used to, but over all it was a charming movie, that I got a few giggles at (especially considering how many actors I know were in this movie before they were discovered. Hello Michelle Williams and Zuko. Hi.) One thing that bugged me was GRAHAM'S. HAIR. I GET that she was supposed to be boyish and less concerned about her appearance, but didn't the girl SHOWER? I mean really. Ick.
-Imagine Me and You: Another lesbian movie, haven't seen, but it looked cute.
-Make the Yuletide Gay: I know this one's going to be cheesy and kinda bad in a Not Another Gay Movie sort of way, but I figure, if I ever need something light and mindless to watch, I've got this queued up.
-Soldier's Girl: I'm dreading watching this, because I know how heartbreaking it is, but I know I need to :).
-Swoon: Leopold and Loeb. Also haven't seen it yet, can't wait to.
-The Birdcage: Saw this a long time ago, love Nathan Lane and Robin Williams, can't wait to see again.
-The Living End: Ohhh boy. Okay. So. This movie is about two boys from two completely different walks of life, two opposite personalities, who both find out they have HIV. It could be a good movie. But. It's. NOT. It's weird and the lines are choppy and odd and the side characters scare me and the bad boy's actor, while gorgeous, is just AWEFUL. Like, I-was-an-extra-in-my-high-school-play aweful. I do want to finish it, just for the story, but AUGH.
-Velvet Goldmine: WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN THIS YET.
-Wilde: It's Stephen Fry and Jude Law in a movie about Oscar Wilde. Enough said. Still haven't seen it though.
-XXY: Haven't seen it. Looks interesting and focuses on being genderqueer as opposed to just gay.
-Yossi & Jagger: Israeli film in Hebrew about two soldiers who get it on. I've seen a couple minutes in and it's okay--the subtitles are kind of badly translated, and Yossi's face really throws me off. But I hear all over the place that this is an amazing, life-changing movie, so I'm obviously going to give it a chance when I'm once again in the mood for heavy stuff.
-In my download queue, I have: Can't Think Straight (lesbian film that was shown at the LGBTQ film festival at FSU that I missed), Available Men (buncha short films), Love! Valour! Compassion! (looks amazing and hilarious and I can't wait), and Twist (modern gay "twist" on the Oliver Twist story).
Any suggestions and download links are welcome and encouraged. As a note, I already have and have seen Latter Days, and I intend on downloading Dream Boys when I can find the link again.
Time to put my srs pants on, though. I do have a couple things I want to get off my chest.
Blah blah, my friends do nothing but bitch about/at each other blah blah it's pissing me off blah moving on.
I had a run-in with Real Feelings recently. I don't quite know what else to call them. Legit Feelings For Someone? I've felt for people before, I've liked people, and pretty strongly in one or two cases, but this is...different? Different for me, anyway. Cliche for everyone else on the planet and in every teen novel. Some of you know the story, but I only explained about half of it in detail, and not colored with the right tone, considering my current circumstances.
There's a guy who drives me to lab every Wednesday. I did not meet him until I got in the car with him a few weeks ago, having sent out a mass e-mail to my class asking for a ride. His name is Jon. The first ride in his car indicated a few things to me. He has unbelievably good taste in music. He is Very Good-Looking. He's a gentleman. He's 23. He's a Geography major. He's in the Marines (I call him Marine Man in my head and to the friends I told him about, because no one readily remembers names like Jon). I began dressing nicer and putting on makeup on Wednesdays, knowing I'd be in his car. At that point, though, it was really just me trying to impress a cute boy. Once, he found a song for me that I had been talking about the previous week. Surely not everyone thinks about the song that the girl you drive to lab likes, enough to put it on your iPod and play it for her the next week. Surely. His thoughtfulness got me excited, and Thinking. I figure, okay, that's a fair signal. I can maybe actually for the first time in ever pursue someone without the Fraidycat Factor (long story) ruining things for me. There could be legit mutual feelings going on here. I really started to like him. Look forward to going to lecture, lab. I sat next to him last Tuesday, he smiled, complimented my hat, and we talked occasionally through lecture. Occasionally he'd take his glasses off to rub his eyes and I'd die a little. He nodded off at one point and I died a lot. My sneaker touched his boot like I was in fourth grade, though I'm not positive he felt it, boots being pretty thick and all. No idea what the lecture was about. I left class and went home fucking skipping. We had a "study date" Wednesday evening I could look forward to if only the stress of midterms hadn't left me a cold sore on my lip (it looks more like a cut, really, so it's not too bad). Whatever metaphorical manhood I possessed went out the fucking window, and I was this estrogen-fueled ball of ovarian squee for an entire day. Let me stress again that I don't get like this. Ever. Not for people, anyway. Books, fandoms, characters, maybe, but never people. I tell myself to watch it, don't get my hopes up, I could be misinterpreting signals or the Fraidy Cat could rear its ugly head at an inopportune moment and I'll be left with nothing but anger at myself. It was good advice, but I think my subconscious ignored it.
Last Wednesday I get pretty for when he picks me up, except I woke up late, so I was a bit more frazzled than I would have liked. On the way back from lab, he tells me that his Astronomy class is kicking him in the ass (I believe him; Astronomy is ridiculous), and that he'd have to cancel our study date so he could focus on that class. I'm disappointed, but not too much, because really, it's fair. There's a minute or two of music-listening silence, when I ask him when he's leaving for spring break. It turns out, his fiancee is coming to Tallahassee and they're leaving to go home to Cape Canaveral on Saturday. His fiancee. Whom he is marrying in June on the beach next to an air force base. His fiancee, who is the daughter of one of his superior officers, who works on a submarine. She graduated last year, so he doesn't see her as much as he likes to.
Of. Fucking. Course. Why would it be any different? Why could I honestly believe that--after screwing myself over so many times by letting the Fraidy Cat win; being picky as fuck considering my, at the very best, better-than-average looks; being a little shut-in life-newbie at nineteen; being more emotionally butch than most of the males I know--that I could possibly meet this wonderful person and not only have him be single, but have him feel for me. I have wanted this so. so. bad. for a long time and because of this I was obviously projecting so hard my eyes were showing powerpoints on the walls.
What really twists the goddamn switchblade is that, whatever signals I got from him--the door holding, finding the song for me, driving to east campus for me, whatever...it's not becase he liked me, it's just because he's that fucking nice.
Whoever that June bride is, she's a lucky one. And she better love him. That's all I'm saying.
It's not a huge deal, but I'm gaining weight. More than I have since probably middle school. I don't know how much I weigh, I don't want to, but it's enough that my jeans are noticeably tighter and I don't look nearly as good in form-fitting shirts. Whatever I may think about my actual looks, I've always had a pretty damn good body image, even when I was a teenager. And I know for a fact it's not because I'm getting older and my metabolism has slowed. It's because of what I eat, how much I'm eating, and my marked lack of exercise (save walking across campus and climbing stairs). I have always loved food, picky phase or not. I enjoy it. I love fast food, cheeseburgers, pizza with everything on it, I love it all. In high school, however, especially over the summer, I ate very little overall. Not an unhealthy amount of little--I would never do that to myself. I just got full very very easily. When I got to college, it was the classic story of there being too much cheap and unhealthy food at my disposal, without my mother's cooking to balance it out. There's dining hall food, which makes an honest attempt at healthy, but because I love variety and would much rather eat a little of everything than a lot of one thing, I would get multiple plates. And to my astonishment I began to be able to finish it all. I'd cut down but now I have an internal meal clock that goes off predictably every six hours and DEMANDS food, or so help my blood sugar. I've decided that if eating less isn't gonna work as well, I'll try and eat healthier and work my way back down to that. Maybe now that I'm home it'll be easier to do that. One big problem is I mostly loathe vegetables and refuse to believe salad is considered a meal (I don't care what you put on it. Salad is an appetizer or a side dish and it always will be). Speaking of which I am REALLY hungry right now. Salivating. But I'm going to wait it out till morning when I can make myself a nice breakfast.
I've always been relatively skinny (except when I was fourteen but I don't think anyone fits into their skin at that age), and it is not that I've gotten chubby, even. Far from it. But I know that if I don't stop what I'm doing now it'll only get worse. I really liked the way I looked when I entered college. And even though it's not a huge difference (it is visible though--my mother noticed today), it's still where I'd like to be. I've always loathed the idea of a diet and having to watch what I eat because I love food the way I do, but I'm willing to be a little disciplined here if it means I can actively like my body and maybe climb a set of stairs without dying.
Yeah, I said it was long. But I hope you found it amusing if you chose to read. I'm not even going to bother with a TLDR summary.
More to come later.