Something that made my grey day a little bluer
I was rifling through some artists on DA and came across a really great photographer. He'd been in the field for 28 years and was very professional but I read the journal he had up and more lols were had that one time than have been had for days! So here it is, I bring you pelicanh's journal.:
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TMI
YEP...TMI....Too Much Information...that's EXACTLY what it was.
When Sylvia (name has been changed to protect the ...uh...innocent, yea - that's it!) walked into my studio I was almost shocked to see how much she looked like Halle Berry. She was BEAUTIFUL. She arrived with a huge wardrobe and her rather "Rasta" looking husband. He had long dreds and seemed Jamaican to the bone.
I always feel a bit of sympathy for partners of people I am shooting because they are in my studio just sitting for about 3 hours with nothing to do other than look at a few magazines. Nevertheless, he seemed content to park on my studio futon and browse Hang Gliding Magazine and my Alert Diver scuba magazines.
Sylvia sat with my makeup artist for about 35 minutes and was even more beautiful after some layers were added. We had scheduled to shoot about 3 different images for her, the first of which was just a very light makeup "lovely housewife" kind of shot. I decided to shoot it just outside my studio under my carport.
As we walked toward our location I strolled along behind Sylvia and noticed she was wearing a very thin cotton sun dress. The light was nicely glowing through it and you could see she had a lovely body. As I scanned down I noticed she had a tattoo on her thigh.
"WOW, Sylvia, that's quite the tat you have there!" I noted.
Much to my surprise, she stopped in her tracks, pulled her dress up almost half way up her bum, and looked at me.
"Yea - I burned my leg badly so I had a tattoo to cover it up!" she explained.
WOW...that was a lot of information.... I was gonna just drop it then and there but Sylvia seemed intent on telling me more.....a LOT more!
"Then my husband and I had our baby, and I was having trouble losing the weight, so I had a tummy tuck! So - in order to cover THAT scar, I had another tattoo!" she told me.
It was at this point she turned toward me and pulled her dress up to her boobs!!!
"See" she showed!
"OH...uh...wow....yea - that is quite a....uh.....tattoo. Yea - whew.....that IS a big...uh...nice...tat!" I stuttered.
Now, let me explain something here. I've seen a LOT of things in my 28 years of photography. And her tat was indeed a nice little vine crawling across her tummy....but what caught my eye...no...what SEARED my retinas was.....OMG.....THE BIGGEST most monstrous BUSH I have EVER seen!! I mean we're talkin SASQUATCH!!! Or maybe 3 WOOKIES at war! And this poor pathetic little teeny thong that was helpless amongst this dense encroaching forest! I was stunned and didn't know what to say!
And it didn't stop there!
Sylvia volunteered, "Oh, I guess you noticed, I don't like to shave. And I don't like to wax. And my husband likes it natural!"
At this point I'm horrified and wanting it all to just stop. But it's like a plane wreck...I'm stunned. I mean, it's as if there are bodies falling out of the sky and hanging in trees....THAT kind of plane wreck but I'm stuck with my mouth hangin open and speechless.
So she continues, even though I am speechless.... and it gets WORSE!
"So what I like to do," she reported quite matter of factly," is let it grow out REAL LONG, then cut it really short!"
I'm mesmerized.
"And then, "Sylvia delivers the knockout punch, "... I take the hair, wash it, braid it, then make it into an earring. Then I put perfume on it because my husband like to wear it so he can sniff me at work!
I looked around. I felt sure there was a hidden camera....or maybe I was just in the Twilight Zone. I didn't have a CLUE what to say. How does one RESPOND to THAT!!??? "Make me one!!?" I couldn't think of a THING. this has been SEVEN YEARS AGO and I STILL can't think of a thing to say.
I stumbled through the rest of the shoot like a Zombie. I NEVER looked at her husband's ear. We took the rest of the photos, I smiled a lot, she paid me, and they left.
Then I just went out on my patio, sat in the shade of my trees, and had TWO Heinekens! WTF!!!!
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P.S. I might be getting a job at Hollister.
-----------------------------------------------
TMI
YEP...TMI....Too Much Information...that's EXACTLY what it was.
When Sylvia (name has been changed to protect the ...uh...innocent, yea - that's it!) walked into my studio I was almost shocked to see how much she looked like Halle Berry. She was BEAUTIFUL. She arrived with a huge wardrobe and her rather "Rasta" looking husband. He had long dreds and seemed Jamaican to the bone.
I always feel a bit of sympathy for partners of people I am shooting because they are in my studio just sitting for about 3 hours with nothing to do other than look at a few magazines. Nevertheless, he seemed content to park on my studio futon and browse Hang Gliding Magazine and my Alert Diver scuba magazines.
Sylvia sat with my makeup artist for about 35 minutes and was even more beautiful after some layers were added. We had scheduled to shoot about 3 different images for her, the first of which was just a very light makeup "lovely housewife" kind of shot. I decided to shoot it just outside my studio under my carport.
As we walked toward our location I strolled along behind Sylvia and noticed she was wearing a very thin cotton sun dress. The light was nicely glowing through it and you could see she had a lovely body. As I scanned down I noticed she had a tattoo on her thigh.
"WOW, Sylvia, that's quite the tat you have there!" I noted.
Much to my surprise, she stopped in her tracks, pulled her dress up almost half way up her bum, and looked at me.
"Yea - I burned my leg badly so I had a tattoo to cover it up!" she explained.
WOW...that was a lot of information.... I was gonna just drop it then and there but Sylvia seemed intent on telling me more.....a LOT more!
"Then my husband and I had our baby, and I was having trouble losing the weight, so I had a tummy tuck! So - in order to cover THAT scar, I had another tattoo!" she told me.
It was at this point she turned toward me and pulled her dress up to her boobs!!!
"See" she showed!
"OH...uh...wow....yea - that is quite a....uh.....tattoo. Yea - whew.....that IS a big...uh...nice...tat!" I stuttered.
Now, let me explain something here. I've seen a LOT of things in my 28 years of photography. And her tat was indeed a nice little vine crawling across her tummy....but what caught my eye...no...what SEARED my retinas was.....OMG.....THE BIGGEST most monstrous BUSH I have EVER seen!! I mean we're talkin SASQUATCH!!! Or maybe 3 WOOKIES at war! And this poor pathetic little teeny thong that was helpless amongst this dense encroaching forest! I was stunned and didn't know what to say!
And it didn't stop there!
Sylvia volunteered, "Oh, I guess you noticed, I don't like to shave. And I don't like to wax. And my husband likes it natural!"
At this point I'm horrified and wanting it all to just stop. But it's like a plane wreck...I'm stunned. I mean, it's as if there are bodies falling out of the sky and hanging in trees....THAT kind of plane wreck but I'm stuck with my mouth hangin open and speechless.
So she continues, even though I am speechless.... and it gets WORSE!
"So what I like to do," she reported quite matter of factly," is let it grow out REAL LONG, then cut it really short!"
I'm mesmerized.
"And then, "Sylvia delivers the knockout punch, "... I take the hair, wash it, braid it, then make it into an earring. Then I put perfume on it because my husband like to wear it so he can sniff me at work!
I looked around. I felt sure there was a hidden camera....or maybe I was just in the Twilight Zone. I didn't have a CLUE what to say. How does one RESPOND to THAT!!??? "Make me one!!?" I couldn't think of a THING. this has been SEVEN YEARS AGO and I STILL can't think of a thing to say.
I stumbled through the rest of the shoot like a Zombie. I NEVER looked at her husband's ear. We took the rest of the photos, I smiled a lot, she paid me, and they left.
Then I just went out on my patio, sat in the shade of my trees, and had TWO Heinekens! WTF!!!!
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P.S. I might be getting a job at Hollister.