Time slows down when you look at me...
It's been a long time since I've written, well... anything. I guess I might as well start now...
I worked at McDonald's until yesterday, I was there for a month. I really don't wanna get into why I quit, it's too complicated. I just got tired of being singled out and getting griped at all the time, while everyone else got away with those things. I've never really stood up for myself, and I'm not sure why I chose that time to do so. I just don't wanna be walked on anymore. It was a stupid decision to quit, on my part, because now I have to spend my spare time looking for another dead-end job.
I'm still so much in love with John, that I die a little more each day. When I was dating Jacob, he was obviously jealous, I could tell. I don't think I have the guts to face John now, after what happened between Jacob and I. (To make a dreadfully long story short, Jacob cheated on me with my (then)best friend's cousin... it killed me. I had to find out from his neighbors... he didn't even have the guts to tell me himself.) I have no best friend, no boyfriend... I have nothing, as of right now. I would give up everything, just to be with John. I wanted him to be there, the night I graduated. I wanted to take pictures with him, I wanted it all. He was always teasing me about me being so young, although he's only 2 1/2 years older. He'd always say, "When are you gonna fucking turn 18?!!" I was never quite sure what he meant by that, but it always made me laugh. I miss playing pool with him... he'd usually let me win, so he'd say. I miss the way he'd stand over me, trying to help me make those really difficult shots... and the way he'd look into my eyes when he was talking about something really important to him. I feel like no one could possibly understand the way this feels. I swore to never care about another guy after John... and I'm going to stick with it. I didn't care about Jacob, he was just... one of those things, I guess you could say. But it did hurt me, nonetheless. It hurts to be cheated on, and to be betrayed by my best friend, to whom I entrusted all my secrets, my dreams... everything. I know that I've hurt this much before, but gawd... all of this happening at once is too much to handle.
I would give anything for one more night with John... just one more conversation. I would have let him know the way I really feel, and I wouldn't have let him leave until I was finished. He's not here for me when I need him the most. I wish he was here to hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be alright...
Jimmy got sent away a week ago... he got into alot of trouble a few weeks ago. It seems like he just got back, and now he's gone again. Jimmy has become my best friend, my everything. I didn't appreciate him, to be honest. I used to question why he was so good to me... I just always thought it was because I am his mom's boyfriend's daughter. But now that they've broken up, it seems like we shouldn't be talking anymore. But he promised me that he wouldn't forget me, no matter what happens to him. I sent him a letter yesterday, and I hope he writes back. He should be out of bootcamp and all that by November. I miss him so much that it kills me... all of this pain is just too much for me.
I feel like Amber and I aren't good enough friends to talk to her about all of this, and part of me knows she wouldn't understand. I just feel so empty right now. My 18th birthday was barely celebrated. The whole Jacob/Malina thing happened two days before my birthday... it seems like someone always ruins my birthday. My 16th, Nikki ruined it... 17th, Krista ruined it... and now, my 18th was ruined by my supposed best friend and boyfriend. I feel like digging a deep hole and never coming out of it...
I worked at McDonald's until yesterday, I was there for a month. I really don't wanna get into why I quit, it's too complicated. I just got tired of being singled out and getting griped at all the time, while everyone else got away with those things. I've never really stood up for myself, and I'm not sure why I chose that time to do so. I just don't wanna be walked on anymore. It was a stupid decision to quit, on my part, because now I have to spend my spare time looking for another dead-end job.
I'm still so much in love with John, that I die a little more each day. When I was dating Jacob, he was obviously jealous, I could tell. I don't think I have the guts to face John now, after what happened between Jacob and I. (To make a dreadfully long story short, Jacob cheated on me with my (then)best friend's cousin... it killed me. I had to find out from his neighbors... he didn't even have the guts to tell me himself.) I have no best friend, no boyfriend... I have nothing, as of right now. I would give up everything, just to be with John. I wanted him to be there, the night I graduated. I wanted to take pictures with him, I wanted it all. He was always teasing me about me being so young, although he's only 2 1/2 years older. He'd always say, "When are you gonna fucking turn 18?!!" I was never quite sure what he meant by that, but it always made me laugh. I miss playing pool with him... he'd usually let me win, so he'd say. I miss the way he'd stand over me, trying to help me make those really difficult shots... and the way he'd look into my eyes when he was talking about something really important to him. I feel like no one could possibly understand the way this feels. I swore to never care about another guy after John... and I'm going to stick with it. I didn't care about Jacob, he was just... one of those things, I guess you could say. But it did hurt me, nonetheless. It hurts to be cheated on, and to be betrayed by my best friend, to whom I entrusted all my secrets, my dreams... everything. I know that I've hurt this much before, but gawd... all of this happening at once is too much to handle.
I would give anything for one more night with John... just one more conversation. I would have let him know the way I really feel, and I wouldn't have let him leave until I was finished. He's not here for me when I need him the most. I wish he was here to hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be alright...
Jimmy got sent away a week ago... he got into alot of trouble a few weeks ago. It seems like he just got back, and now he's gone again. Jimmy has become my best friend, my everything. I didn't appreciate him, to be honest. I used to question why he was so good to me... I just always thought it was because I am his mom's boyfriend's daughter. But now that they've broken up, it seems like we shouldn't be talking anymore. But he promised me that he wouldn't forget me, no matter what happens to him. I sent him a letter yesterday, and I hope he writes back. He should be out of bootcamp and all that by November. I miss him so much that it kills me... all of this pain is just too much for me.
I feel like Amber and I aren't good enough friends to talk to her about all of this, and part of me knows she wouldn't understand. I just feel so empty right now. My 18th birthday was barely celebrated. The whole Jacob/Malina thing happened two days before my birthday... it seems like someone always ruins my birthday. My 16th, Nikki ruined it... 17th, Krista ruined it... and now, my 18th was ruined by my supposed best friend and boyfriend. I feel like digging a deep hole and never coming out of it...