AHHHh!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I love just about everything in my life, BUT, I have some ranting to do.
Im so sick and tired, of fucking people thinking they are way rad, and pulling shit, on either my friends or myself. Its like, WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! I havent personally been having problems, but friends have and I think its fucking ridiculous. People need to get lives. honestly, everyone just needs to grow the fuck up.
I decided, im going to try and make myself better, not for anyone else, but me. So many people have called me fat, and you know what, so fucking what? Im fat, and you know what Im perfectly fine with it. If Im fat, thats my problem, not yours, does it honestly make you feel better about yourself when you call me fat? Because it makes me think you have no time on your hands. If Im so fat, then how the fuck did I get someone better than anyone you could ever get? exactly.
I am also, sick and tired of people contridicting themselves. Saying they want one thing, but once someone shows that something to them, or tries to help them in what it is, they blow it off and turn them away. If you want fucking help dont fucking blow it off and dont fucking turn away. YOUR the one who is asking for the help, YOUR the one who has complained about not being happy about. If you dont want anyone to help you, then shut the fuck up.
Im tired of feeling like im in the way, Im tired of feeling like im second best, Im tired of feeling like Im not good enough, when I know damn well I am just that, good enough, and not second best, or in the way. But, I cant help it, I feel that way sometimes, I feel like Im holding certain people back, and I dont like that feeling.
I have been so emotional lately, between crying about relationships, family shit, friendships, and people who dont have a place to be mean to me, being mean to me.
Ive come to the realization, that you cant change other people, and the only people/person you can change is yourself.
To everyone: if you dont want help, dont fucking ask for it.
If you dont like something, fucking fix it, instead of bitching
If you dont like me, too fucking bad.
I wont change myself for you, so stop trying.
I am who I am, and if you dont like me for me, thats on you.
This whole thing is about me being upset, about feeling like I will never be what you thought I would be, about feeling like im the reason it all fell apart.
I havent really gone to anyone about, because everyone else has there own things, and honestly the one person I usually would go to, she is going threw the same thing, and I dont want to burden her with it. So, this is the only thing I can do. Is write about in here, and maybe some of you can help me, maybe.
The root of this, is my dad. He called today, while I was asleep, and I was the only one home to answer the phone. Usually, when Im completely concious of what is going on, I dont even give him the right of being called my dad. But today, when I answered the phone and heard his voice, I called him Dad, instead of Scott. His response to it, was Im not your father, and you are just something I have to pay for every month. Then continued to ask me where my brother and sister were. I told him they were at school, and hung up. Him saying that to me, just made me think of the night in August, the saturday after my birthday, when the cops came, and that fight had happen. It made think of all the horrible things that happened, and then, once I fell back to sleep, I relived the whole thing all over again.
Me and my dad have had our problems, mainly its him, hes an alcoholic, but not only is he an alcoholic he is an abusive one. He used to hurt my mom when they were married and I was little. I used to always get caught in the middle of it, I would run in and cry and scream at him telling him to stop, and scream at my mom telling her to stop from yelling at him, then run to my mom and hug her. Their marriage was ugly, and horrible. Once they got divorced, his drinking got worse, and he didnt really care about his actions or how it affected me or connor or blake. He just didnt give a fuck. Weekends we would go there, court ordered, we had to, and we wanted to at the beginning, he was our dad, and well we loved him. We missed him, we missed the nice, sober him. There was one night, when we had come home, I had marks on my arms from him hitting me, He had a couple drinks in him, he couldnt control himself, and lashed out on me, because I was the oldest. He blaimed me for the divorce, said If I hadnt been born this would have never happened. For so long I thought it was. To this day I still wonder. I still get blaimed by him. It was his fault tho. He was the one who cheated. My dad was never cut out to be a husband, let alone a father.
He hasnt called the house, until today, in 4 months. He didnt see my brother or sister during christmas, or call. Sometimes I wonder, if he is even still alive, or if he got in an accident from drunk driving, or that psycho wife of his kicked him out. That bitch, I fucking hate her, I honestly dont have a lot of hatred for really anyone, but that women, not even women, that thing, I wish she would fucking die and burn in fucking hell. I wonder what life would be like if he was around, if he stopped drinking, if he didnt do drugs, if he wasnt abusive, if he was a good person...instead of calling me names, blaiming me for things, hurting me, whether its emotionally or physically. Thank god Im old enough to say where I want to go in this divorce. My sister, Blake, and my brother, Connor, well if the court says it, they have to. My little sisters birthday is in a matter of days, she even wonders if he will call, or acknowledge it...It makes her sad and I know it does, but she wont admit it, I know it hurts her, just like it hurts Connor. It makes me so mad to see them hurt like it. I saw my mom hurt, then I felt the pain myself, I wont allow them to. It breaks my heart to feel their pain, or see them in that same pain.
...everything happens for a reason...maybe Im meant to be hurt like that, by someone of my own flesh and blood. But like someone I look up to said..."Hes not on my birth certificate.." and they were right, Im my moms kid. He is nothing to me, just a sperm doner. And as far as Im concerned, he is already dead to me.
Im so sick and tired, of fucking people thinking they are way rad, and pulling shit, on either my friends or myself. Its like, WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! I havent personally been having problems, but friends have and I think its fucking ridiculous. People need to get lives. honestly, everyone just needs to grow the fuck up.
I decided, im going to try and make myself better, not for anyone else, but me. So many people have called me fat, and you know what, so fucking what? Im fat, and you know what Im perfectly fine with it. If Im fat, thats my problem, not yours, does it honestly make you feel better about yourself when you call me fat? Because it makes me think you have no time on your hands. If Im so fat, then how the fuck did I get someone better than anyone you could ever get? exactly.
I am also, sick and tired of people contridicting themselves. Saying they want one thing, but once someone shows that something to them, or tries to help them in what it is, they blow it off and turn them away. If you want fucking help dont fucking blow it off and dont fucking turn away. YOUR the one who is asking for the help, YOUR the one who has complained about not being happy about. If you dont want anyone to help you, then shut the fuck up.
Im tired of feeling like im in the way, Im tired of feeling like im second best, Im tired of feeling like Im not good enough, when I know damn well I am just that, good enough, and not second best, or in the way. But, I cant help it, I feel that way sometimes, I feel like Im holding certain people back, and I dont like that feeling.
I have been so emotional lately, between crying about relationships, family shit, friendships, and people who dont have a place to be mean to me, being mean to me.
Ive come to the realization, that you cant change other people, and the only people/person you can change is yourself.
To everyone: if you dont want help, dont fucking ask for it.
If you dont like something, fucking fix it, instead of bitching
If you dont like me, too fucking bad.
I wont change myself for you, so stop trying.
I am who I am, and if you dont like me for me, thats on you.
This whole thing is about me being upset, about feeling like I will never be what you thought I would be, about feeling like im the reason it all fell apart.
I havent really gone to anyone about, because everyone else has there own things, and honestly the one person I usually would go to, she is going threw the same thing, and I dont want to burden her with it. So, this is the only thing I can do. Is write about in here, and maybe some of you can help me, maybe.
The root of this, is my dad. He called today, while I was asleep, and I was the only one home to answer the phone. Usually, when Im completely concious of what is going on, I dont even give him the right of being called my dad. But today, when I answered the phone and heard his voice, I called him Dad, instead of Scott. His response to it, was Im not your father, and you are just something I have to pay for every month. Then continued to ask me where my brother and sister were. I told him they were at school, and hung up. Him saying that to me, just made me think of the night in August, the saturday after my birthday, when the cops came, and that fight had happen. It made think of all the horrible things that happened, and then, once I fell back to sleep, I relived the whole thing all over again.
Me and my dad have had our problems, mainly its him, hes an alcoholic, but not only is he an alcoholic he is an abusive one. He used to hurt my mom when they were married and I was little. I used to always get caught in the middle of it, I would run in and cry and scream at him telling him to stop, and scream at my mom telling her to stop from yelling at him, then run to my mom and hug her. Their marriage was ugly, and horrible. Once they got divorced, his drinking got worse, and he didnt really care about his actions or how it affected me or connor or blake. He just didnt give a fuck. Weekends we would go there, court ordered, we had to, and we wanted to at the beginning, he was our dad, and well we loved him. We missed him, we missed the nice, sober him. There was one night, when we had come home, I had marks on my arms from him hitting me, He had a couple drinks in him, he couldnt control himself, and lashed out on me, because I was the oldest. He blaimed me for the divorce, said If I hadnt been born this would have never happened. For so long I thought it was. To this day I still wonder. I still get blaimed by him. It was his fault tho. He was the one who cheated. My dad was never cut out to be a husband, let alone a father.
He hasnt called the house, until today, in 4 months. He didnt see my brother or sister during christmas, or call. Sometimes I wonder, if he is even still alive, or if he got in an accident from drunk driving, or that psycho wife of his kicked him out. That bitch, I fucking hate her, I honestly dont have a lot of hatred for really anyone, but that women, not even women, that thing, I wish she would fucking die and burn in fucking hell. I wonder what life would be like if he was around, if he stopped drinking, if he didnt do drugs, if he wasnt abusive, if he was a good person...instead of calling me names, blaiming me for things, hurting me, whether its emotionally or physically. Thank god Im old enough to say where I want to go in this divorce. My sister, Blake, and my brother, Connor, well if the court says it, they have to. My little sisters birthday is in a matter of days, she even wonders if he will call, or acknowledge it...It makes her sad and I know it does, but she wont admit it, I know it hurts her, just like it hurts Connor. It makes me so mad to see them hurt like it. I saw my mom hurt, then I felt the pain myself, I wont allow them to. It breaks my heart to feel their pain, or see them in that same pain.
...everything happens for a reason...maybe Im meant to be hurt like that, by someone of my own flesh and blood. But like someone I look up to said..."Hes not on my birth certificate.." and they were right, Im my moms kid. He is nothing to me, just a sperm doner. And as far as Im concerned, he is already dead to me.