GETHSEMANE.
Day 2 hasn't been easy. Got emotional in Service today. The songs, they all reminded me of God's great love for me and how His mercies are never failing. In spite of all the wrongs that I've made (especially in the past year) and even now in my time of despair, He reassures me that He is here and, best of all, He never left. Weeping in Church has been an experience I've encountered a number of times, with each time leaving me more comforted than before.
Truly, I believe He is doing something to work in my life. His work in me is not yet done; there is so much more that has yet to be fulfilled. Only time will tell His Will that will work out.
Today's sermon rly spoke to me. I just wish you had been around to hear it. Jesus at Gethsemane gave up His life; He surrendered it to the Father and asked God to take control. Likewise, what I need now is total surrender. I am so tired. Tired of when I was trying to make things work for us, and tired of seeing you so upset because of what I had done. Those faults of mine, they can only be attributed to the sin that cannot be removed from me, because it exists so unfortunately in my human nature. If I had a chance to speak to you again, I would tell you that I am terribly sorry. I am sorry for the hurt that I have caused you, and I am sorry for having pushed you so hard. I shouldn't have, I rly shouldn't...
To let go is something I feel like I am unable to do, and definitely not right now. Yet, it is something I have to. Just as Christ gave it up, so must I. But no, I am not giving up on us per se; I can't do that just yet. What I am giving up on is the grasp I had over trying to humanly "make things work". That is no longer within my control now. I may pray and pray that it is God's Will we remain, and you return, but rly, I have to leave that to Him now. Giving up something you want so badly but you know you can't have - that, quite frankly, cuts so deep. But with God's love and the angels He has sent me in the form of family and friends, I will learn to accept what He has thrown my way.
I have done enough. I have tried enough. And, I must recognize it is not enough. (Because I haven't been relying on Him enough.)
I miss you, I miss you so badly. Therefore, even more, I will pray, and I will continue to pray. For me, for you, for us.