I have no idea why both of these fics have people crying in them.
Since they are supposed to be funny and all. Maybe it's the "supposed to be" part. Or maybe they're like. TRAGICOMEDIES or something.
I take no responsibility if reading these makes anyone dumber by osmosis.
Title: The Byakuran Society
Rating: PG
Characters: Byakuran
Notes/Warnings: Spoilers through chapter 261.
Summary: You know that thing he does where he meditates and communicates with his other selves? It turns out those meetings are pretty fabulous.
“I now call this meeting of the Byakuran Society to order,” announced Byakuran, tapping the podium with a gavel to make it official.
“So what’s first on the agenda, everyone?” asked Byakuran as he reclined on the couch and lazily plunked a marshmallow peep into his mouth.
“If no one objects, I have an urgent matter that I would like to bring to everyone’s attention,” spoke up a Byakuran in the corner. “It’s in regards to fashion.”
Instantly a hushed silence fell over the room; Byakuran even ceased munching on his peep so that he could listen all the more attentively.
“It has been brought to my notice,” Byakuran began gravely, “that the calf is no longer high enough.”
“High enough for what?” asked one Byakuran who clearly hadn’t been paying attention in Byakuran School.
“Boots, of course,” Byakuran replied, casting a scornful look in Byakuran’s direction before turning his attention back to his more knowledgeable audience.
Gasps of shock and bewilderment sounded off around the room.
“But if the calf isn’t high enough, what is?” cried one Byakuran who had his hands clasped on either side of his head like that Munch painting. “The knee??”
“The thighs, apparently,” Byakuran reported. “Or even the crotch.”
“The crotch??” several Byakurans gasped at once, and one or two even fainted.
“Yes. I know it sounds crazy, but in order to further our aims of conquering the universe and ruling over everyone with an iron fist, we’re all going to have to start wearing crotch-high boots.” He paused. “Also as many belts as possible. I forget why, exactly, but there’s a certain logic to it. I guess.”
“It’s settled, then. We will all adopt these changes in fashion as soon as possible.” Byakuran banged his gavel again, the picture of efficiency and authority. “Next order of business?”
“There’s a guy in my universe who can’t die,” Byakuran said. “I think his name is Daisy. Anyway, I deposed him because he was trying to do his own little dictator thing in my world, but I just thought you guys might be interested. Could be Funeral Wreath material, you never know.”
“Duly noted.” Bang went the gavel again. “Next?”
“Ah, we discovered the cure to that blight thing.” Byakuran held up a syringe, taking a quick look around. “Didn’t one of you say you were looking for that?”
“Yes, thank you, I’ll take that,” replied Byakuran, holding his palm out eagerly. Byakuran handed him the medicine.
“Thank you, Byakuran, you’re a credit to us all.”
“You’re quite welcome, Byakuran. And might I add that you are looking particularly handsome today.”
“How good of you to say so, Byakuran. And you as well.”
“Yes, we’re all incredibly attractive men, of course,” Byakuran said with an impatient wave of his hand. “But let’s keep things moving along. These meetings aren’t as easy to coordinate as they used to be. Are there any further matters to be addressed?”
“Let’s compare how many times we’ve each had sex this week,” said Byakuran eagerly. “I love it when we do that. And then we should add them all together and find out how much it is total.”
“I got laid sixty times just last weekend,” Byakuran alleged, looking incredibly smug. “I’m not even kidding.”
“Sixty? Pfft. Try two hundred.”
“Byakurans, please, if we could all just focus for a minute?” Byakuran tapped his gavel impatiently.
“I think Shou-chan is plotting against me,” said one Byakuran who looked particularly glum.
“Well, of course he is," replied Byakuran, not the least bit concerned. “They always do eventually.”
“Yeah... But I don’t know, I guess part of me just hoped that mine would be different.”
“We all did. There, there.” Byakuran rubbed his back in sympathy while Byakuran pulled out a tissue and dabbed delicately at the corners of his eyes.
“I suppose this means we’re done, then,” sighed Byakuran, tapping his gavel one more time. “Meeting adjourned,” he said airily, as though he were above it all.
Immediately, mindless chatter broke out across the room.
“I don’t even know if they make crotch-high boots in my world...”
“Hello, who cares, you’re the goddamned emperor of everything. Just order someone to make you a pair.”
“They’re all going to think I’m weird...”
“I just...” Sniff. “...don’t see why it has to come to this!” Hiccup. “We were such good friends... we won first place in the science fair together! I still remember when we went out for ice cream afterward, and I asked him, do you want to be a captain in my awesome new mafia family, and he said sure, and I said great, and he said do I get to wear a cape, and I said sure if you want, and he said awesome, and... a-and...!”
“There, there...”
Gradually, the hum of collective voices began to blur and then fade away. In his meditation room, Byakuran opened his eyes once more to his dark and silent world, where he was, at least for the time being, the only one.
He smiled. It was good to have peace and quiet, but all the same, he did so love those get-togethers with the old gang.
Title: Everybody Hurts Sometimes
Rating: PG
Characters: Everyone's favorite Shimon family!
Notes/Warnings: Spoilers for the most recent manga chapters; I've also taken some speculative liberties regarding the conclusion of this arc. Also everyone is wildly OOC.
Summary: A broken heart brings a family together.
It was a defeat snatched from the jaws of victory. They should have seen it coming, Adelheid supposed, but then again, maybe some of them had, and just hadn’t cared enough to do anything about it. The not caring part certainly applied to most of them.
The one person it didn’t apply to was curled up pitifully on a corner of the couch, beset by an avalanche of despair brought on by that greatest of tragedies, a broken heart. Or something.
“I just can’t believe sh-she would do that! Why? Why?!” he demanded of the heavens before breaking off into an agonized wail.
“There, there, Julie,” said Large uncharacteristically (it wasn’t the words of comfort that were uncharacteristic; it was the words, period). He rubbed Julie’s back in soothing circles.
“It was j-just so sudden, so shocking... I went up to my bed to check on her and she wasn’t... she wasn’t there!”
“We know, Julie-kun,” said Shitt P politely. They had, in fact, all been present when Julie’s girlish screams had echoed through the hideout, quickly followed by him tearing down the stairs and through the main room where they’d all sat congregated like a good mafia family. They had also been present when he’d returned to joylessly announce the simultaneous occurrences of Chrome’s escape from the island and the end of this world as we know it. He had then collapsed into the wretched heap that now sat blubbering snot into the occasional handkerchiefs Large would offer him as each previous one was retired, wet and dripping, from active duty.
“I just don’t understand!” Julie gasped as he came up for air after a particularly long fit of muffled sobs. “I thought what we had was special!”
“What?” said Adelheid in sincere bafflement. Because seriously, what.
“We were going to get married! I thought”-sniff-“I thought we would be together forever!”
“...Why would you think that?”
“Our love was pure! We were like Romeo and Juliet!”
“Romeo and Juliet killed themselves,” informed Shitt P matter-of-factly.
“What?!” Julie shot a horrified glance toward Adelheid, who nodded. “Oh my God,” he moaned before his voice cracked and he began to sob harder than ever.
“Forget her, Julie,” broke in a cold voice all of a sudden. The rest of the family looked over to see Enma pulling off his headphones, the last few brooding notes of a Linkin Park song dissolving into the evening air.
“Enma...” Julie whispered, stunned.
“She’s not worth it. None of them are.” Enma stood up. “Love...” he began as he walked toward the open balcony, the setting sun casting his features in a harsh and dramatic glow. “In the end, where does it get any of us?”
“In the end, nowhere!” put in Aoba excitedly. He turned to the nearest person, Kaoru, and gave him a brofist for absolutely no reason.
“Exactly!” Enma exclaimed. He hunched over the balcony rail, where the entirety of the island stretched out beneath him, an audience of rocks and trees and shadows. “It’s all meaningless. This world is cold and unforgiving. And those few that dare to open their hearts are inevitably betrayed and crushed.” He pounded a fist on the railing, then bowed his head. Adelheid couldn’t be certain, but she thought she saw a single tear roll despondently down his cheek.
“Enma...!” Julie’s tears were considerably less artful as he got to his feet, eyes shining with both pain and admiration for his boss.
“Julie...” Enma turned slowly, dramatically, to conclude his soliloquy. “If we can’t rely on them... we’ll just have to rely on each other!”
Julie gave a shudder and ducked his head, swiping briefly at his flowing tears. Then, without any dignity whatsoever, he launched himself into Enma’s waiting arms.
“Boss!” he sobbed loudly. “Oh, Boss...”
“We’ll get through this,” Enma promised him. “Together. Because, after all... we're Family.”
“Boss...”
Slowly at first, then with great enthusiasm, Shitt P began to applaud. The others followed suit, Aoba and Kaoru pausing occasionally to wipe away stray tears of their own.
Adelheid realized her mouth was hanging open a little. She closed it, then sighed, her breasts heaving wearily.
Maybe it wasn’t too late to consider defecting to the Vongola.
(Yes, Adelheid, if you really want relief from overly gay and melodramatic mafia family antics, the Vongola are definitely the way to go.)
And welcome to reflectives, mycolor, umi_no_suzume, imbrifer, snowpoison, bearit, and victims from the KHR friending meme! ♥ I HOPE THIS POST HAS NOT GIVEN YOU THE WRONG IMPRESSION OF ME. Actually, who am I kidding. It's exactly the correct impression. XD