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I read this in the Evening Standard on the way home tonight, but don't have a scanner, so I transcribed it for you, humble flist.
Slings and arrows of the sci-fi stars - Nick Curtis, The Hamlet Diaries.
--
Act 1, Scene II
Claudius (Patrick Stewart): Though yet of James T Kirk our dear brother’s death the memory be green, we - Jean-Luc Piclaudius - have declared ourselves captain of the Starship Elsinore. Our mission? To boldly go... or not to boldly go. That is the question.
Hamlet (David Tennant): Oh that this too, too, solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a serious actor. I shall perchance see fit to put an antic disposition on. A bit like Tom Baker.
Gertrude (Lis Sladen): Hamlet’s acting very strangely. You could say the Time Lord is out of joint.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson): Let us pluck out the heart of his mystery! The truth is in there.
Polonius (Leonard Nimoy): No, it would be more logical to send my daughter Ophelia to him.
Claudius: Make it so!
Act 2, Scene III
Hamlet: Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow... it’s all much the same if you’ve got a
TARDIS.
Ophelia (Billie Piper): Doctor! I mean, my noble lord Hamlet! ...
Hamlet: Frailty, thy name is woman! Get thee to a nunnery. Or to Gallifrey. Or to Secret Diary of a Call Girl! (Exits)
Ophelia: Oh, what a noble mind is here o’erthrown. It’s almost as if the polarity of his neutron flow has been reversed. (Exits, weeping)
Act 3, Scene IV
Hamlet approaches Claudius praying.
Hamlet: Is this a sonic screwdriver I see before me? Now might I do it pat. But first I must stop the Daleks from activating the dimension portal on Skaro. I’ll get him later. (Exits)
Claudius (getting up): My words are beamed up to heaven, my thoughts remain below. I fear I won’t live long. Or prosper.
Act 4, Scene I
Hamlet confronts Gertrude in her bedchamber, where Polonius is hiding.
Gertrude: Doctor, I mean Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.
Polonius: That is not logical.
Hamlet: Who’s there? (He zaps Polonius with his sonic screwdriver.)
Gertrude: Corks, that’s torn it!
Act 5, Scene I
Enter Laertes and Claudius, followed by Gertrude, Hamlet, Horatio, etc.
Claudius: I want Hamlet dead. Make it so.
Laertes (John Simm): I’ll show him who’s the Master.
He and Hamlet mortally wound each other with sonic screwdrivers, Gertrude and Claudius drink poison.
Claudius: Aaagh, I’m an ex-man. (Dies).
Hamlet: The rest is silence. Until I regenerate. (Dies).
Horatio (John Barrowman): Now cracks a noble heart. Or two.
Fortinbras arrives.
Fortinbras (Davros): Elsinore now belongs to the Daleks! Resistance is useless! Go, bid the soldiers exterminate! Exterminate!!!
Curtain.
--
Can I just say that I would totally go see this?
Slings and arrows of the sci-fi stars - Nick Curtis, The Hamlet Diaries.
--
Act 1, Scene II
Claudius (Patrick Stewart): Though yet of James T Kirk our dear brother’s death the memory be green, we - Jean-Luc Piclaudius - have declared ourselves captain of the Starship Elsinore. Our mission? To boldly go... or not to boldly go. That is the question.
Hamlet (David Tennant): Oh that this too, too, solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a serious actor. I shall perchance see fit to put an antic disposition on. A bit like Tom Baker.
Gertrude (Lis Sladen): Hamlet’s acting very strangely. You could say the Time Lord is out of joint.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson): Let us pluck out the heart of his mystery! The truth is in there.
Polonius (Leonard Nimoy): No, it would be more logical to send my daughter Ophelia to him.
Claudius: Make it so!
Act 2, Scene III
Hamlet: Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow... it’s all much the same if you’ve got a
TARDIS.
Ophelia (Billie Piper): Doctor! I mean, my noble lord Hamlet! ...
Hamlet: Frailty, thy name is woman! Get thee to a nunnery. Or to Gallifrey. Or to Secret Diary of a Call Girl! (Exits)
Ophelia: Oh, what a noble mind is here o’erthrown. It’s almost as if the polarity of his neutron flow has been reversed. (Exits, weeping)
Act 3, Scene IV
Hamlet approaches Claudius praying.
Hamlet: Is this a sonic screwdriver I see before me? Now might I do it pat. But first I must stop the Daleks from activating the dimension portal on Skaro. I’ll get him later. (Exits)
Claudius (getting up): My words are beamed up to heaven, my thoughts remain below. I fear I won’t live long. Or prosper.
Act 4, Scene I
Hamlet confronts Gertrude in her bedchamber, where Polonius is hiding.
Gertrude: Doctor, I mean Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.
Polonius: That is not logical.
Hamlet: Who’s there? (He zaps Polonius with his sonic screwdriver.)
Gertrude: Corks, that’s torn it!
Act 5, Scene I
Enter Laertes and Claudius, followed by Gertrude, Hamlet, Horatio, etc.
Claudius: I want Hamlet dead. Make it so.
Laertes (John Simm): I’ll show him who’s the Master.
He and Hamlet mortally wound each other with sonic screwdrivers, Gertrude and Claudius drink poison.
Claudius: Aaagh, I’m an ex-man. (Dies).
Hamlet: The rest is silence. Until I regenerate. (Dies).
Horatio (John Barrowman): Now cracks a noble heart. Or two.
Fortinbras arrives.
Fortinbras (Davros): Elsinore now belongs to the Daleks! Resistance is useless! Go, bid the soldiers exterminate! Exterminate!!!
Curtain.
--
Can I just say that I would totally go see this?