(no subject)
well i have a row app due tomorrow, a lab due monday, a movie scene for recruitment due tomorrow, AND i have a midterm monday. i also didnt turn in my econ pset on friday for the third time in a row. i dont want to fail that class but im definitely sucking because i havent studied for the midterm yet. blah, i suck. i miss brayton so much. i cant do work right now, i just feel overwhelmed and i just miss him so much. i wish he was here to just hold me and whisper everything will be ok in my ear. i cant cry like this anymore. i was also hung over all day. going out was fun last night but its just not the same without brayton here. its like i lost my best friend which is really shitty. and really shitty is such an understatement. i saw he just not that into you tonight with my sorority. it made me cry because everyone in the movie finds love or at least accepts that they arent in love. ben affleck and jennifer anniston's relationship reminded me of brayton and i. he is just so amazing, he takes care of me and just makes me happy. which makes it just that much harder when hes not here. this reminds me of freshman year when i used to cry to bj everyday we were apart. i thought that era in my life was over. i really dont want to break up with brayton, i just dont know how else to be happier without him here. i need to not let thoughts of him rule my day. i wish i could just move to spokane and brayton and i would have all the money we need and we could just live together happily. just do whatever we want every day. i guess thats what everyone wishes for right. and obviously life is not fair, because if it was, brayton would be kissing my cheeking and telling me that im a silly girl for being upset that he was gone and that he was staying with me always for good. when i get really sad, i always wonder what it would be like if i could really just fuck stanford and leave. would i be happy? i really dont know. i know that i really wouldnt want to work at crappy job that made me unhappy, but maybe itd be worth it if i got to be with brayton every day. i really miss summer. cant i go back to summer, spending time with bray, watching movies, dancing in his kitchen, listing to lupe. blah. i want to go to sleep and just not wake up until i can be with brayton. honestly, but then i wonder...i mean could that really be me. like live a life just brayton and i. i love being the center of attention and i am a selfish little girl who loves to be loved by everyone. i have always strove to be that girl that every guy wants and every girl wants to be and i honestly feel like i had that in high school and now, i dont know anyone who would want to be me much less be with me. bray was that for me. he makes me feel like that girl again. i want to be with bray, but then i wish that i could have a real, perfect college experience like i always dreamed of. i keep blowing off therapy. i only went twice but its worthless but they keep scheduling me appointments, i really need to call them and make them stop. i hope i made the right decision by stopping therapy. it just made me really sad after because i miss bray and i am fucking up in school, period. which sucks. blah poor pitful me yadda yadda yadda. i suck. i just never want to wake up again unless brayton is here. at least he'll be here on thursday thank god. i think i am just going to spend every moment of every second that he is here with him, touching him, holding him, just because, i honestly dont know when im going to see him again, which makes me again really sad because he really is my best friend. ugh. maybe i should just go to sleep and wake up early, get coffee and go to the library. i think that might be better for me to do. maybe i can play games with bray and then go to bed. that'd make me happy i think. god i hate this. i want bray. mat invited me to go home tomorrow because he owes me clam chowder because i bet the steelers would win the superbowl and i was right and he was wrong so i won! but i cant go home tomorrow because i have a million and one things to do as usual. i just want bray to make it all go away. i just want it all to go away, bray doesn't even hav e to it, its not his responsibility or burden to bear, its mine which sucks but i just really need to get through stanford and then i can be happy again. i really want to be happy again